3.6m Omlet Chicken Run for sale, Brand New in Boxes, Milton Keynes (MK19)

[lillybettybabs]

OH's youngest son has always been a challenge - My second meeting with him was horrid as he

threw a bit fit on the door step for no reason.

He is 12 now and ruins the weekends he is here with his argumentative, rude, defiant and sometime

violent behavior. I have said for a few years now that he needs to see someone before it is too late

and both his sets of grandparents have experienced his behavior and my mum and all say the same.

 

The problem is his mum doesn't think that there is anything wrong with him but i have heard from his

brother that he does kick off at home but his mum lets him get away with it (her husband has left her a few times over it). It has got to the stage where his oldest brother stays in his room all the time or goes out to avoid it all when he is at home.

It got very bad last night and he bit his dad as he wouldn't listen on how to make the fire in the living room

and his dad tried to get him to listen. He then called his mum telling her all types of lies about me and his dad

and said he wanted to go home, she went ballistic and said she was going to court for full custody (i secretly couldn't care less if she did).

Id had enough of him by this point and helped him pack his bags and put the ready by the door and went to the

kennels for dog snuggles whilst round two kicked off. He didn't go in the end and calmed down before bed, he only kicked off again this morning and refused to be told to put his shoes on as he would be late for school.

OH's feels powerless but something needs to be done to stop him ending up in a bad crowd but he is ruining other

peoples lives now something needs to be done.

Any advice i have had enough now.

[bluekarin]

I have no advice to offer I am afraid, just wanted to say how awful. I wonder if he has always been like this, or if it is due to his parents splitting up? I find boys don't tend to open up about their feelings - my son used to get in horrendous rages due to not being able to explain his feelings. He is much better now but is 14 so more able to deal with things. How is your OH son at school? Have they voiced any concerns as far as you know? Other than that I am not too sure what else to say. I am sure someone with more knowledge will be here soon. Try not to let things get between you and your partner. Show a united front, even if at the time you don't agree with each other, don't let the boy know.

[Chickendoodle]

Golly what a difficult situation. You as the stepmother cannot do a lot I feel without being seen as interfering. He sounds like a very unhappy boy - maybe he has not coped very well with the divorce.

 

Can your OH talk to his ex without a full scale row (difficult I know) and maybe speak to the school together as they will have access to a psychologist. If he is fine at school it may be that he is just very unhappy about his home life and kicks off because he can't tell anyone how he feels without feeling it would upset them.

 

Is he particularly close to one of his grannies, as children can often talk to their grandparents about things that are troubling them. If his Mum is threatening things like going to court to get full custody he will be hearing that and no doubt getting very churned up inside - also sounds like she may well be bad mouthing your OH at home which is so destructive to young minds.

 

I am a step parent myself (aged 12 & 15 when I took them on) so you have my sympathy.

[patsylabrador]

I think that bluekarin is right especially about showing a united front. If possible when he's in a rage, stand together like a wall and watch him having his tantrum. It was something I remember from work, to stand and watch, don't get sucked into the violent emotions and placate when possible - on your terms. At twelve, with no reward, as in a reaction from OH it could peter out hopefully with a touch of embarrassment.

After I would say sit down and think about what happened.

I'm inclined to think that at twelve it's almost too late but it's surprising how many seriously horrible teens turn into great adults. I've got inmind one girl I know who used to hit her mother and threatened suicide, she is now a sweet and dedicated mother of two and gets on well with her own mum.

It's easy to say when you're not in the heat of the moment but if he starts getting mouthy my inclination would be to shrug my shoulders and say "you're boring me".

I don't work with children so would be interested to hear their suggestions.

Best wishes for you and OH, that all sounds horribly complicated.

[lillybettybabs]

The ex kicks off and blames him for leaving and not caring about him if he mentions it. She also hides any school problems (we find out from the oldest son) but she is well known to the school for complaining if he is told off at school . He is below average at school and doesn't seem to have many friends, He keeps saying he wants to die which is disturbing but she says that he as just picked it up from somewhere and doesn't mean it.

She tells him that OH favors the oldest son which isn't true it's just that he is a well-rounded lad that we only have a few hormone outburst once in a blue moon where as we have to tell the youngest off all day everyday.

i think the mum has problems too, it is so sad ans stressful.

[The Dogmother]

Oh K, I am sooo sorry a big cyber hug for you XX

 

The 3 boys I helped bring up 20-odd years ago were much younger, so no experience with teenage boys really. A friend has a lad of about the same age who 'has issues', she has taken him to a therapist (recommended by the doctor) they had several family sessions, he had one-to-ones and is now seeing a hypnotherapist and doing well. He is borderline with Asperger's (he's very clever) and is now settling down to do well. I remember some kicking off being reported and he was violent at home at times, but my understanding is that it was because he found it hard to articulate his emotions and felt he wasn't being listened to.

 

I've had some windings up from Rosie in the past too, but she's bit more settled now.

 

I hope that you get it sorted K, and that A isn't worrying too much (know he will be) shout if you need to call for a chat.

[chickencam]

Can your OH speak to the school directly about how he seems there? It does sound like he is feeling very insecure as a result of the split between his parents which presumably was at quite an early age. Perhaps his dad could make a request for a psychological assessment through the school, don't know the ins and outs of parental rights in this situation. Was he difficult as a younger boy, if not it sounds more of an emotional problem, boys often become very hormonal at his age too which won't be helping, plus he will have had the upheaval of starting secondary school, which I know my son really struggled with for the first couple of years.

 

Good luck it is hard enough dealing with your own children.

 

When he is with you try to keep things as calm as possible, easier said than done I know, but ignoring ranting and raving and as much of the bad behaviour as you can and gently praising even the slightest improvement or good deed. I have found that keeping calm being firm and not shouting is a good way to deal with emotional teens. As DM says boys do have more trouble talking about things and tend to bottle them up until they explode.

[The Dogmother]

When he is with you try to keep things as calm as possible, easier said than done I know, but ignoring ranting and raving and as much of the bad behaviour as you can and gently praising even the slightest improvement or good deed. I have found that keeping calm being firm and not shouting is a good way to deal with emotional teens. As DM says boys do have more trouble talking about things and tend to bottle them up until they explode.

 

It's just like dog training K

[lillybettybabs]

I think it is to do with the break up, She kept him as a baby and still does. He wets the bed but hides the sheets

(he wets at home too) and still carries a teddy-bear which we ignore in the hope that he will drop it one day.

OH seem to be too scared to approach the school.

Edited December 17, 2012 by Guest

[The Dogmother]

It's good that OH is trying though; some fathers would rather ignore it as they see it as an affront to their fathering or are worried that their child will be labelled.

 

I know that you show them a strong and united front when they are with you, and they do fun things. Do you think he feels that he has lost his own childhood and wants some comfort but doesn't know how to ask for it?

 

I am off on Thursday and Friday this week, and I'm sure I could fit in a dog walk if you wanted a chat.

[Willow]

Poor you and poor child, he can't be happy to behave like that.

 

I think you have to start by working on your OH. Get him to set up a meeting at the school where he makes it clear he expects to be kept up to date with reports on his son(s) and asks what help they would b eable to provide.

 

Then as others have said you also need agreement with OH on how to handle outbursts and calm is most important (DM is absolutely correct in comparing to dog training .

 

It is difficult and I would advise focusing on one area for improvement at a time, if you try to tackle too much at once you are all going to get frustrated.

 

I'm not sure there is anything you can do about his mother at the moment, it may be easier to get her on-board if you start to get anywhere with his behaviour but you may be able to get grandparents on board with consistent approach to handling tantrums.

 

I would put the bed wetting and teddy aside for now, just consistently be calm and matter of fact about changing the bedding. A happier child will grow out of these.

 

Is there something special just him and your OH could do ? Doesn't need to be big or timeconsuming, just a little dad and son time so he feels loved ?

 

Good luck this must be difficult but you may be able to make progress in this because you are a little less emotionally involved.

[lillybettybabs]

I think the farther/son bond is breaking down sadly, I have tried to get the to have one on one time but

it always ends in a argument between them. OH is just seemed to be letting the ex dictate things because she

has stopped them come here if he does something she doesn't like. The oldest boy doesn't think a lot of his

mum now which is sad too with him going through his GCSE's i worry for him.

[The Dogmother]

Poor boys, that's very sad.

 

Ring me at lunchtime if you need a chat - I'm popping home for some lunch at noon XXOO

[lillybettybabs]

It is sad, I started to get him to open up but OH told the ex what he had said and she told him and ranted at OH saying i was trying to be his mum so now he doesn't trust me. But i don't think OH's approach of getting stressed and shouting

at him. I recorded last night performance between them and played it back to OH as i do think he could have

handled things better.

[The Dogmother]

Bless him; I sometimes look back at how I deal with problems with Rosie and think that I could have handled things better - we all get caught up in the heat of the moment and say things that we don't mean, in a way that's not helpful.

 

Would K enjoy a sort of outdoor adventure thing on his own with OH?

[lillybettybabs]

I have tried, I took him horse riding as he said he wanted to learn but told his mum i forced him to go,

I tried to let him help me with the dogs as he wants to work with animals but he told his mum i made him do it,

I tried to get him and OH to go on dogs walks but he refused to go and rang his mum.

There is only so much step mums can do and take.

[The Dogmother]

That doesn't sound very helpful I take it that you and OH have spoken to K about his running to his mum?

 

Sounds like he's trying to get attention but going the wrong way about it.....

[lillybettybabs]

I know what i would have got if id even behaved a quarter as bad!

[The Dogmother]

Perhaps if he asks to do things again, ask him to get his mum on the phone so that you can check with her yourself, that was you're covered.

[lillybettybabs]

He doesn't stick at anything and his mum doesn't encourage him to keep things up, OH has spent no

end of money on drum kits, skate boards, bikes all for him to say he doesn't want to do it anymore so she

sells them, he'll play on his DS or Xbox all day (which he is allowed too).

It a tricky one, i do think he'll go off the rails if he doesn't get help now.

[The Dogmother]

I think you're right in that he needs help now rather than later. have you thought of counselling? I understand that Relate see families as well as couples (you'd have to check as I'm not sure where I heard this). Can you get him started on a project over Christmas, set a target and incentivise it?

[lillybettybabs]

She doesn't want him labeled so has refused OH's idea of counseling so even if we do it whilst he is here

she'll kick off, I have suggested that we four go so it doesn't look like he is being singled out.

Project sound like a good idea but i haven't got the motivation or the strength to do it after last night so have

suggested it to OH.

[The Dogmother]

Let me know how you get on.

[patsylabrador]

Do you think that possibly he lacks confidence and feels stupid. I was wondering if he gives up activities its because they're harder than he imagined and he doesn't trust himself. If he shows an interest on doing something let him do it wrong rather than stopping him. For example if he lays the fire wrong and it doesnt light say 'thats odd, shall we try this or that?' but let him still be in charge and the one who solved the problem.

He's becoming a man and maybe his ego needs a little TLC. I have a very wobbly occasional table which occasionally falls over built by one of my boys who needed to do something blokey by himself.

Another one built himself a rocket launcher out of pringle pots and tennisballs, he made a trench out of my veggie patch. It was all time consuming, messy but very funny. I hope that is a little helpful.

Does his anger coincide with playing video games at all. They can be quite complex puzzles and maybe he's getting frustrated at being stuck. I've experienced that and I know how ridiculously angry it can make you feel.

[lillybettybabs]

His mum has told him that he lacks confidence which i think was wrong so he just gives up if he can't do it

straight away. I have a can do attitude and try to say that he can do it and try to help but i get no where as he says "mum says i lack confidence and that's why i can't do anything".

His dad isn't great at letting things be done wrong which doesn't help, Oldest OH and myself tell him to leave us to it.

His anger comes out when he is asked to do something, he will ignore and carry on with whatever he is doing

until OH gets firm then he lashes out verbally but my violently the the volcano erupts and myself and oldest s son scarper into another room.