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[Willow]

Oh dear, sounds like you have tried a lot.

 

If you OH gets cross when they try and do things together how about finding a dvd box set that your step son would enjoy and insist that father and son (and just them) sit down together to watch it regularly. Just quietly sitting doing an activity together like that would be good for them and there's no pressure. Not films you want each eposide (sp? ) no more than an hr at a time.

 

I do stuff with my boys and talk to them but they still love to have some time just one of them and me watching a dvd together. It can be hard when I have 101 other things to do but worthwhile.

[chuckmum6]

Something needs to change for this poor boy, he needs help and it doesn't sound like the adults are able to provide it, I would certainly approach the school to see if they can provide or direct his parents to some help ASAP. You describe some worrying issues in his behaviour that need rapid help. All the best as it sounds like you are in an impossible place, his parents probably need to sort themselves out before the boy can actually move forward.

[lillybettybabs]

I'll be honest i have thought of calling social services for his benefit as he needs help but that will open up another can of worms.

I have tried everything i can to prevent and help but i am powerless and watching him get worse is heart breaking.

[Snowy]

I think comparing the situation with a dog training one is very accurate! Problems with dogs are usually over communication aren't they? And young boys are just the same! If he kicks off or gets in a rage, it's because he can't or won't say want he really wants to say, feels anxious/threatened/stressed. Following a split kids really are torn - and they say what they think you want to hear. So he is telling his Mum you are making him do things because he wants to be loyal to his Mum and not be seen to be enjoying stuff with you (I did exactly the same when my parents split up and it caused all sorts of rows!). I agree with ignoring the bad behaviour and discussing things calmly with him when he has settled down. He also probably needs to have lots and lots of positive reinforcement when he does do things right! With my boys, if they kick off and I have to get heavy handed with them, I always find time when things are calm again to discuss what happened and remind them of how much I love them and why things happened the way they did. Even it it's me thats kicked off - it's good for them to know that everyone gets upset and angry at times, but that that doesn't affect our feelings for each other. We usually do this at bedtime and have lots of cuddles - maybe not something you feel you can do, but certainly something his Dad could do. I won't leave their rooms at night until I know they are no longer upset or confused.

I think you have to put your foot down with OH - if he cares for his son, he must speak to the school and get help with how to manage him. I also have step children - I had to force my OH's hand and refuse to have them back in my/our home unless he took action! I was willing to put the work in, but not on my own - that's not your job!

Good luck with it xx

[lillybettybabs]

I will try and get some strength to push things, Underneath all of this anger is a lovely boy and i have

seen him.

On a lighter note OH's company have just sent me 12 bottles of wine so i will be merry over christmas.

[bluekarin]

On a lighter note OH's company have just sent me 12 bottles of wine so i will be merry over christmas.

 

Must be the day for it as my hubby had 12 lovely bottles of Shiraz from one of his customers today. We get a case every year, some mixed but this years just a case of the same.

 

I do hope you and your OH manage to sort something out, especially with all the good advice given. Your OH needs to know that by ignoring thIngs it isn't making matters better in the long run. Good luck!

[Goosey Lucy]

She also hides any school problems (we find out from the oldest son) but she is well known to the school for complaining if he is told off at school .

 

This is something that can be easily addressed. Unless there is a legal reason why your OH is not allowed to know about how his son is doing at school he should be receiving a copy of all information they provide his mother. This includes school reports, details of parent's meetings etc. He needs to contact the school and say that he is not receiving any information and give his contact details.

 

He keeps saying he wants to die which is disturbing but she says that he as just picked it up from somewhere and doesn't mean it.

 

This worries me. You have heard this from him and you need to inform the school. You can do it anonymously but realistically the Mum will work out you or your OH told them. There will be a member of staff who can help your stepson deal with what is making him say something like this. It may be a throwaway comment at the moment but you never know if/when he may start to think about it more seriously.

 

You've had a lot of brilliant advice, I especially like Snowy's. However I think you also need to realise you need support, this young man is part of your family and you obviously care about him.

 

I will try and get some strength to push things, Underneath all of this anger is a lovely boy and i have seen him.

 

This time of year is always dreadful for separated families. Please try and persuade your OH to speak to the school. If he can't/won't, is there anyway you could speak to them yourself? You may not be given any information about him but I'm sure the school will be pleased to know that there is someone at home who cares for him.

 

Good luck, you've done really well so far.

[lillybettybabs]

It will get to the point where i will intervene in a big way, It is taking a toll on lots of relationships and

messing up a child's life.

Thanks for everyone's advice.

[Goosey Lucy]

Good luck, stay strong and come and let off steam whenever you need to x

[soapdragon]

Not a lot to add, I'm afraid, except support! You are absolutley right in wanting to get this sorted out! Good luck!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I may be wrong and this may all be the result of his parents' separation, but some of the behaviour - the anger, frustration and the inability to express himself normally - remind me of behaviours I see in the kids at my school with a diagnosis of Aspergers. I think someone mentioned Aspergers earlier in the thread too?

 

It sounds very upsetting for all of you, I really hope you manage to help the poor lad find the "lovely boy" he is inside.

[Janepie33]

I may be wrong and this may all be the result of his parents' separation, but some of the behaviour - the anger, frustration and the inability to express himself normally - remind me of behaviours I see in the kids at my school with a diagnosis of Aspergers. I think someone mentioned Aspergers earlier in the thread too?

 

It sounds very upsetting for all of you, I really hope you manage to help the poor lad find the "lovely boy" he is inside.

 

 

My thoughts too. Aspergers / Autism sometimes seems to be diagnosed when children who have coped reasonably well at primary school and then move to secondary where they have to cope with massive change and challenges.

There is loads of support around, but I think the first step needs to be that mum needs to accept that there might be something different about her child. I think you mentioned that she does not want him labelled?

Poor boy sounds desperately unhappy and is making everyone around him unhappy too. Maybe you could have a look at the NAS (National Autistic Association) website. They have a great deal of really helpful information.

 

Good luck. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

[lillybettybabs]

I may be wrong and this may all be the result of his parents' separation, but some of the behaviour - the anger, frustration and the inability to express himself normally - remind me of behaviours I see in the kids at my school with a diagnosis of Aspergers. I think someone mentioned Aspergers earlier in the thread too?

 

It sounds very upsetting for all of you, I really hope you manage to help the poor lad find the "lovely boy" he is inside.

I think it has a lot to do with the separation, the first time i was going to meet them his mum threw a wobbly when OH went to collect and grabbed him sat her on her knee in the front of her car and drove off with the door open and no seat belt on, shouting "she's not going to be his mum" leaving to oldest behind. Things like that are enough to upset

a child and bring out behavior problems later on.

[Lavenders_Blue]

I can't offer any advice at all - but he certainly does sound like a very unhappy boy, probably struggling to work out how he fits into this changed family and not coping very well with it. Good luck with trying to sort some help out for him, you obviously care very much.

[chickencam]

It does sound like his mother is not entirely stable, therefore it may be worth exploring the Aspergers route or depression, it is not uncommon in youngsters.

[Chucky Mama]

It sounds like an awful situation for all concerned. I have the utmost respect for any step parent especially when there are issues with their step children. I think that some professional intervention would be helpful. I would ask for a meeting for the pastoral team at school and take it from there. The other option would be to make an appointment with his doctor. I think that children that mention dying and suicide are asking for someone to do something because they feel helpless but unable to ask for help.

 

On a separate note, remember that this is a completely public forum, I would have this troubled young man to come across it thread, it could do untold harm

[Yorkshire Pudding]

I've been approached by parents with similar worries. We usually recommend that they see the GP and ask for a referral to the local CAMHS (child & adolescent mental health service).

 

If your OH has parental responsibility for his son, he could do this; however it would be very difficult to get any help if his mum won't engage - especially as family therapy might be recommended.

Please ty to get OH to discuss his concerns with his ex, I think he lad will struggle to get anywhere without them both on side.

 

Edited to add: I work in the SEN dept of a big high school & am responsible for students with BESD.

[lillybettybabs]

She refuses that take him to the doctors about it as it will label him, She says he is fine at school but then

you get his report etc and it says different - OH seems to scared to intervene. I have said i don't want him here until he has been sorted as he does talk about killing cats etc and with his rages i don't trust him.

In my eyes he is labeled now as a difficult child

[merlina]

I'd absolutely agree with Chucky Mama - this is a kid desperate for someone to help/intervene with things he's just not coping with. But 12 year old boys. of course, don't ask for help.

It sounds as though he's escalating his behaviour and probably wondering just what he has to do to get that intervention - if suicide and threats of killing cats aren't enough what is?

Personally, I'd think it had gone beyond the point of worrying about upsetting his mother, who just seems to be in denial. I'd be ringing a doctor and/or social services and mentioning suicidal ideation

[lillybettybabs]

Yep i totally agree, I don't think that this is normal child behavior as i keep getting told and not being a parent

myself won't understand.....apparently!

[patsylabrador]

I think you've been incredibly patient and good. For much longer than I would have been. There's a limit to what you can do and it sounds like you've tried everything. You have your home and rules and he has to respect them. He may have troubles but I'm sure he can still appreciate the effect of his behaviour and know it is wrong.

I try to be understanding but I also remind myself that lots of children go through major traumas that doesn't result in them abusing the adults around them.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you all.

[Chucky Mama]

It sounds as though he's escalating his behaviour and probably wondering just what he has to do to get that intervention - if suicide and threats of killing cats aren't enough what is?

Personally, I'd think it had gone beyond the point of worrying about upsetting his mother, who just seems to be in denial. I'd be ringing a doctor and/or social services and mentioning suicidal ideation

 

I agree, who cares about upsetting or going over the head of the mother at this point. You don't spend the weekend with her and she could be the root of the issues.

[Willow]

It's great that you are prepared to say 'no this isn't normal' and try and help. Neither of his parents are doing what you are doing and actually listening to what he is trying to tell them right now. Don't let anyone fob you off with you not being a parent. Having a child doesn't turn people into good parents. Experience is useful at times but they are letting it blind them and experience of dog training would be very useful with children (and adults )

 

But you can't do this alone, your OH has to man up and be a good dad, and as almost all of us have said first step is for him to talk to his son's school to ensure they understand he needs help and to make sure your OH gets a flow of info from the school. Sounds like that will upset his ex, but frankly it sounds like she's a tad unhinged and anything will upset her so he may as well just go for it.

 

Well done for wanting to help him rather than get exasperated, he will be grateful one day and who knows he may even thank-you

[lillybettybabs]

Talked to OH's parents and have them on-board, we shall tackle getting OH to go to the school together which

is a big relief for me. His dad has really had enough too and doesn't really want his grandson round as it upsets

OH's mum to much.

I think they know i have had enough but will never make Andy choose, they know what might lie ahead if

things get worse.

[Chickendoodle]

I don't know if this would work, but if your OH is truly not going to intervene perhaps you could have a word or send an email to the school? Explain who you are and why you are worried and suggest that they maybe call both parents in together to discuss their son's behaviour/problems?

 

Would hate for this to cause problems between you and your OH though by going behind his back - could you talk to him and see if he would like you to do that? It might be the solution he needs to avoid confrontation with the ex.

 

I actually think that as a step parent you are in a better position to recognise abnormal behaviour as parents can often be blind to their own offspring's actions.