Solitary chicken - need advice

[newcountrygirl]

Over the past couple of years my Mum in Law has become much less able (she is 86). Prior to this she has always been very independant. She has always loved the arts and music. She was living in a 5 bedroomed detached house with a huge garden. At the end of last year my hubby and his two siblings decided she needed to be on one level. We have purchased a lovely flat for her, redecorated it and successfully moved her in two weekends ago.

Now the hard work begins. For the past two weekends my hubby and me plus his sister and brother have been at the old house - well i say we have all been there - mostly it has been me and hubby doing the hard work - the other two have been going to the new flat "to spend time with Mum", even though they are desperate to empty the house and also obtain planning permission for 3 houses in the garden.

 

We are over there again this weekend and I can see no end to it for the foreseeable future. Mum in Law was a collector (sorry make that hoarder). Every train ticket, plastic bag, xmas card, diary, theatre programme she has ever had are all there squirreled away in bags and boxes. Plus at least 5 washing up bowls full of pebbles from whenever she went to the seaside. Every bag has numerous napkins from whenever she goes out for coffee or a meal. There are enough unused postcards to open a shop from whenever she has visited anywhere, plus at least 3 of each "interesting" leaflet she picked up. So far from one room, I have found well over £300 in pound coins all carefully stored in empty film tubes (she liked the different pictures on them), £50 theatre tokens, £75 in Scottish notes, plus £40 we gave her at Xmas shoved into a bag containing 1980's Xmas cards. And don't get me started on photos. There are over 5000 at least - she always took at least 3 of each subject .

 

This all makes her sound like she has dementia or something but she hasn't - her mind is perfectly clear. Sorry for the rant - I just needed to share with people who won't judge. Into the fray I go again.........................

[Olly]

My heart goes out to you ... anyone who's had to clear a parent's house has gone through something similar, and my friend has just finished clearing her mum and dad's home and her dad was genuinely a hoarder with OCD.

 

I think it's partly a factor that this generation have often lived in the same home for 30 or 40 years, because as we all know moving home tends to encourage discarding a lot of stuff; and it's also because many of them lived through rationing and times when material goods were not so plentiful and so it was worth keeping stuff 'just in case'.

 

It took my friend and her sibling six months ... my advice quite early on, having been through something similar, was to extract paperwork and valuables and just pay someone to clear it, but they persevered. It took up six months of their weekends and free time and it was an enormous effort, even with help from friends; the amount raised from eBay and boot sales was fairly insignificant. And of course, as you're already finding, it can lead to ill-feeling about who's done most/'that was valuable, we shouldn't have chucked it out'/'where has that gone, I wanted to keep it' and so on.

 

It's hard, because of course there is so much emotion tied up in all these items, and one wants to find value in everything, but sometimes it's easier just to walk away. If M-I-L has got the things she needs and there's a plan to sell the property, it may be more cost-effective to get it done quickly rather than go through everything bit by bit.

[newcountrygirl]

Thanks Olly. It's not so much the going through everything. I don't mind that - and we have found some gems. It is just the sheer scale. The two other siblings are determined to sell for as much money as possible which means trying to obtain planning permission. The house itself hasn't been touched for 40 years and is dilapidated. Although they had enough money, none was ever spent on the house. It will be a long drawn out thing to get planning permission and costly too, but they are determined to do it. The reason for clearing the house is primarily so that they don't get any burglaries or squatters and also so that the estate agent can show people around.

The hardest part is that the house is in Yorkshire and we are in Lincolnshire and my husband's brother is in Cambridgeshire so each weekend we are traveling 100 miles each way. Luckily we are early retirees but his brother still works full time as does his sister which adds to the stress.

 

No doubt one day we will all be able to laugh about it. I am fairly organised as I have had to do this three times before for my 2 Aunts and my Mum and Dad. The worst thing is that before each visit I have to organise my friend across the road to look after the chickens and she also looks after our Border Terrier too, which is a big help. Every weekend our dog sulks as soon as she sees me packing the case, but she actually loves being at my friends house.

[Alis girls]

I am a member of the club too. We finally got rid of dads G plan 60's sofa which is the same age as me and knackered (much like moi really ) I honestly can't offer advice except be ruthless - we cleared dads loft some yrs back and my hopes of getting on Antiques Roadshow were dashed i hoped to find summat worth 50 grand . it was full of rubbish - and it was mum who hoarded in loft. I think they want to hold on to memories. It can be a sign of dementia but often isnt. I no longer buy ornaments for myself or friends - calendars, scented candles but I dont want my kids to be in the same boat. I always felt upset at being an only child but when I see what siblings squabble about with aged parents I realise I am lucky. Good luck - hire a skip and just be ruthless.

The only thing of any use I found in Dads loft were some nice unused towels - washed a load and sent ES to uni with them .

[Alis girls]

I will add he WAS going to uni anyway just in case anyone thinks I am losing plot. Not sure I ever had it to start with - oh and keep your sense of humour - you need to as at some ;point I will need to do this for dad and aunt but dont want to dwell on it yet.

[newcountrygirl]

Thanks Alis girls. Some of the things I have found so far make me chuckle - not sure whether it is actually verging on hysterical laughing. lol. I have found one or two nice things and have so far managed to bring home numerous plant pot covers which I needed and also two musical scores for Gilbert and Sullivan operettas (I was a founder member of Wakefield Gilbert and Sullivan Society many years ago! I am still holding out for some rare books (the study is lined wall to ceiling with old books) so watch this space. Shed loads of studio pottery and have also started a big box to fill with stuff for the charity shop such as numerous unopened gift boxes of M and S talc and handcream. There are numerous old books on Beekeeping as my Father in Law was a successful Beekeeper for many years. We already have all the hives etc and did keep bees for a time so maybe in the future we will start up again.

[soapdragon]

Its the piles that get you down! Charity shop pile, jumble pile, give away as keepsakes to friends pile, recycle pile, general rubbish pile, 'should get that valued as it may be worth something' pile and the worst of all 'I'll just put this over there as I have no idea what to do with it' pile. And then, when you have finished piling things up (or boxing or bagging) you have to get the stuff to where is should go. Some charities will collect....depending on how much and what you have so its worth asking.

 

You seem to end up moving stuff from place to place rather than actually physically getting rid of anything. Temptations is a large skip but there is often so much that can be passed on (ie; bee keeping stuff; there may be a local bee keepers group that would like it but then its tracking them down and contacting them....hard when time is limited!)

 

When we cleared OH's Grandmothers flat there was a spare bedroom full of tins (beans, soup, ham, spam you name it if it came in a tin it was there) as well as industrial quantities of loo rolls, soap, washing powder. It must have been a war time thing as she lived through the Blitz in London and subsequent rationing.) As others have wisely said...keep your sense of humour although sometimes its not easy! Good luck!

[Alis girls]

At least it was useful stuff. Were the beans in date?

[soapdragon]

Ummm, no! Everything, apart from loo rolls, was a number of years out of date which meant that it all had to go to waste. Very sad

[Sil-El]

We had similar problems when we had to clear my In-Laws house a few years ago.

 

We were finding every birthday card and Christmas card they'd ever been sent, along with miles and miles of gift ribbon, used wrapping paper, photographs, plus packets and packets of pasta, rolls and rolls of loo paper and kitchen paper.......

 

Oh, and 3 copies of the Kama Sutra

[Olly]

Three copies?

 

 

My word.

[Sil-El]

I know, it doesn't bear thinking about really

[Alis girls]

Blimey they lived life on the edge. I don't possess one copy. Can't even spell it

[soapdragon]

Perhaps the first two didn't work

[Valkyrie]

:

Maybe they had one, couldn't find it, ordered a new one and put that away so children couldn't find it and when children grew up and left home they had to buy another . . . or maybe it was a gift to give to their children at some stage

[Alis girls]

I remember having modern equivalent " joys of s_x" way back in the 80's. No idea where that is now. Definitely not in bookcase. We've got two kids so not sure if it worked or not

[Grandmashazzie]

Flip, I had forgotten that book. We also had one many moons ago.

[Olly]

With the beardy bloke?

 

I reckon they bought three copies for a laugh. 'Ha, ha - imagine what the kids are going to think when they find these!'

[Alis girls]

set me wondering what I should buy for the kids to find when I pop my clogs. It's a family forums I will keep that a secret. yup thats the book with the beardy bloke and the explicit drawn pictures

[Sil-El]

I have no idea why they even had one copy, they only had one child and were the most strait laced, upright couple you could think of

[Alis girls]

They are probably the worse. Mwah mwah mwah oh to be a fly on the wall. Probably they thought it was a language book to teach yourself Urdu or Gurati.

[Lydia]

A couple I used to babysit for, who were also incredibly straight laced, had 13 copies of The Joy of ..., which they kept on their dining room bookshelf. The copies were dotted about, too, not kept together.

 

To this day I still wonder why....on both points

[Alis girls]

Hi as I was updating my thread wondered if you are still sorting out MIL's flat and if you still smiling and still sane. Thank goodness for Omlet when I need a laugh cry or just TLC this is where I come.

[newcountrygirl]

Hi Alisgirl - yes still on with it unfortunately. We have now got most of the "rubbish" sorted out and have taken nigh on 100 bags of paper to the recycling. Going again this weekend. Once we have finished that side of things we then have to decided what is happening with the 50plus boxes of books. Probably they will be given to various charity shops along with anything else they would be able to use. I have been in touch with the heart Foundation and also the Salvation Army so hopefully they will be able to take a lot of the unwanted furniture etc.

 

I am more or less still sane, although for the past week i have been having problems with my computer freezing up and it is driving me mad. heigh ho!!