chickenlass Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 You seem to be coping so well I really admire you. The advice about your Mum that the others have given is so true....Your really not responsible for how she is feeling so please don't beat yourself up over it. Hope Dad continues to settle in at the home so at least some of the pressure for you is off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedusA Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Poor you, ANH. It's "one step forward and two steps back" isn't it? Try not to worry too much about your Dad now. The confusion is probably just disorientation at the move to the Nursing Home and will settle in a few days, I'm sure. With your Mum, I'd be tempted to do as she suggests and see her every now and then, unless there is an emergency of course. If you've got a good set up for her, then they can always let you know if there is a problem. Sounds time for you to take it a bit easier, hon. Lord knows you need a rest! *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiepoppies Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Haven't heard anything for over 24 hours from you...is everything O.K? Mind you, having said that I don't know how you do so much anyway! Is your Dad settling in? No rush to reply....I'm just interested and with nothing better to do than renovate a barn... it's nice to sit down! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted April 30, 2008 Author Share Posted April 30, 2008 Thanks Jackie . Things are OK. BB hasn't let me know how the meeting went with the Community Psychiatric Nurse on Monday or how mum has been so I'm just enjoying the break from her . The nursing home told me yesterday that mum got quite upset on Monday visiting dad and thought he was a lot worse than before. I actually know what she means - when I went in he was lying curled up on his bed asleep. When I woke him up he was totally dazed & confused. I had to get nurses to help him use the commode (they reckon it's too far to get him to his toilet, which is in his room ). Once he was changed and sitting up he was a bit better. I wheeled him through to the lounge and the old lady in the room opposite introduced herself and spoke to him, so hopefully people may be starting to interact with him. I'm steeling myself to not phone mum. I'm torn between feeling extremely hurt and upset (should be used to that by now ) and trying to convince myself that her behaviour is caused by mental deterioration, which she can't help. The trouble is, she's been like this for years and years so I do find it hard to be convinced. Sorry for rambling on, you probably just wanted a "hi, everything's fine!" . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiepoppies Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Good morning ANH! NO I didnn't want a just 'everythings fine' post! I'm really glad your'e getting a bit of a break from your mum....DON'T feel guilty' you have done everything you could possibly have done to make your parents life easier. Try and make some time do do something for yourself which is totally frivolous and a total 'waste' of your precious time! Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I agree - try not to feel guilty.... you've done so much in the last few weeks - and years! - make some time for yourself, recharge the batteries...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helly Welly Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Enjoy the break while you can ANH, you really deserve and have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 ANH, I'm not surprised your dad is gettng dazed and confused. A few years ago I had a DVT and embollisim (caused partially by wearing an air cast for a broken ankle) and was hospitalised. After 5 days they needed the bed and sent me home. Because of the DVT and the broken ankle, I could barely move, and I spent all day every day on the sofa, watching daytime TV. (I knoew I was in trouble because I began to look forward to specific shopping channel programmes, like the Jack Lalane Juicer). My DH was at work all day. I found that all the days merged into one, and I couldn't tell what had happened when, as there wasn't really anything to distinguish the days. I always seemed a bit dazed if I had visitors. When my next door neighbour went into hospital it was even worse, because every day and every evening were the same for her, and she became very confused. I'm convinced it's because she quickly became "institutionalised". She would swear that she hadn't had any visitors, and that she hadn't had any breakfast/lunch/dinner, when we knew this was incorrect. For example, we visited her one day while she was having lunch. We came back later in the evening with her partner, and she told us she hadn't seen anyone for a couple of days, ahe hadn't eaten since yesterday, and she thought it was the morning. Anyway. Don't mean to ramble. You're doing a grand job, and you need to do whatever you need to do to jkeep yourself well, <> to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fur 'n' Feathers Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I'm just enjoying the break from her . Sorry for rambling on, you probably just wanted a "hi, everything's fine!" . Dear ANH Firstly, your new "prescription" is to take a hearty dose of self care time without added guilt Secondly, we do not want you to feel you have to "doctor" how you feel on here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I know I'm new but I think you shouldn't feel like you have to pretend, sometimes you can only tell things to "strangers" and if you can't do it here where can you do it? Take care of yourself. Ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Enjoy the break while you can ANH, you really deserve and have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. hear hear!!!! lots of love xxxxxxxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessa the Duchess Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I certainly don't want to hear 'everything's fine' if it really isn't. Regard us as your shoulders to cry on, people to rant to when things get rough. I think you are coping wonderfully considering all the things you are going through. Take care of yourself ANH, we really DO care. Tessaxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Ditto to that. Thinking about you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted May 1, 2008 Author Share Posted May 1, 2008 Thanks (once again) everyone. I think I do find it easier to offload here in some ways. Perhaps because you don't really "know" me. I feel like I go on about it a bit to my non-virtual friends and they must get fed up hearing about it (although they are all very kind and supportive, as are all of you). Right after my last post, mum phoned to say she was really worried about dad and wanted to spend the whole day with him to see how much they were actually seeing to his needs. She said she saw no reason why he couldn't be at home with 24 hour care. Needless to say, there was no mention of the last week or so . Phoned her last night and she sounded very tired. She's stopped talking about taking him home. She said he had a chest infection and was on antibiotics. He's also eating very little so has to be encouraged to drink. Arranged to meet her at the home today. She was in a foul mood because the taxi firm forgot her booking and she had to wait half an hour. She all but ignored me and didn't even say hello . I made a decision to say and do as little as possible in the vain hope that perhaps I'd escape any future tongue-lashings. We did eventually have a few short conversations but I avoided expressing any opinions (even when she talked obvious nonsense ). Dad has got a chesty cough (she now says the staff are saying he doesn't have a chest infection and isn't on antibiotics ) and his breathing is very shallow and laboured. He's hardly eating anything either but is drinking. Stayed a couple of hours (and got a free lunch ). Taxis are rubbish apparently so I said I'd go back at 6pm to take her home. She's got an appointment for 15th May for her pacemaker (in Scotland, surprisingly ) and is talking about getting her car back and driving to the home. I'm keeping out of that one . I felt very awkward visiting dad with her there. I couldn't really talk to him or do anything for him because I could feel her disapproval the whole time . My son's just taken the dog out and the heavens have opened - told him he should've worn a jacket . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiepoppies Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 Hi ANH Loved your silly old game post Think I've given everyone a bit of a headache with NUTS. Never mind~ I've learnt a lot about them on Google.....just proved to my OH what an educational site this is! Anyway, have you spoken to the staff and got an accurate update on your Dad? As long as he's drinking I shouldn't worry too much, it will probably just take him a little while to settle. Did you take some 'me' time like we told you to? Bet you didn't Listen ....if we didn't care/were not interested/didn't want to help in some way...then I don't think you would have had so many replies/hits on this topic....it would have been ignored. So enough! I think I probably speak for everyone when I say 'keep us posted!' Hugs from Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted May 1, 2008 Author Share Posted May 1, 2008 Thanks Jackie. I do try to tell myself that people on the forum don't have to read my posts unless they want to. I wouldn't like to be thought of as being a bit "me, me me", if you know what I mean. I'm very aware there are lots of people coping with more difficult situations than mine. This really started out as a kind of diary to help me keep track of everything, but everyone's been so kind it's become more of a daily counselling session . Regarding dad, I'm loathe to "interfere" in any way at all now, in case mum gets wind of it . I'll wait till I can visit him on my own and then maybe I can ask someone. Don't know when that'll be though if she's planning on going in every day . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedusA Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 At least your Mum is out of hospital,and your Dad is in a "safe" place, ANH. Do speak to the manager of the home, to express your concerns. Phone up if you can't talk to them when your Mum is there. To be honest, they are used to coping with an element of "family conflict", not that I'm suggesting that's the case here, of course. Reassure yourself that your Mum is talking nonsense, and that your Dad is doing OK, then take a big breath and relax with a large drink! *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 Agree entirely with what Jackie says - you wouldn't get so many posts on here if we weren't genuinely interested, ANH. I have been through something similar (leaving out the psychiatric/neurotic parts of it!) with my parents and I just wish I could offer something more than a few forum posts to support you. It's a long and painful journey, and yours is made all the harder by your mum's problems. Keep posting, and try and get some time out from it all - even if it's just a walk in the park or a DVD and a glass of wine. Hope your dad improves a bit. xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted May 2, 2008 Share Posted May 2, 2008 Olly and MedusA are right ANH. Many of us have been through similar and so can empathise totally. It is journey that many others will be embarking on in the future unfortunately, and reading your *blog* will inspire them and in a way prepare them. As for being a bit "me,me, me"....you never put yourself first....you always see every situation as to how it affects your folks. You might get a bit fed up form time to time, but you have been a fantastic daughter in the face of very trying circumstances. All the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted May 2, 2008 Share Posted May 2, 2008 <<>> I was wondering whether a change of approach might work for a while? Your mum is obviously concerned about your dad, and it's natural that she would want to visit him and be "in charge" of things. I know that if my husband was ill and m step children suddenly started taking control, I'd be really hacked off. I love my step children very much, I couldn't love them more if I'd made them myself. But I'm used to being the adult, i'm the one who lives with my DH day in day out, and it's just not right that they would "interfere". And of course I'd be with him every day. All day every day if I could. Of course, your situation is very different. Im my case, i'm 42, DH is 53, we're both compos mentis and self sufficient. Your mum and dad are both older, both frail, and both a bit doolally at times. But, in some ways, the situations are actually exactly the same. I would bet money I don't have on your mum feeling very similar to the way I've described that I would feel. She probably doesn't see that she is frail, a bit disorientated and so on. In her eyes, I imagine she is still the adult and you are the child, whereas in your eyes your've reached the stage where the roles are reversed. So, having explained my thinking so far, let me go on to suggest a different tack. Talk to your myum about her worries regarding your father. Where your worries coincide, make sure you let her know that you've thought the same thing. Then Encourage her to take it up with the care home, and tell her that you know it's hard to stand up to authority figures, so you will be with her to support her and back her up. Reassure her that she's in charge, you just want to be there to give her moral support and to make sure that the Care home take things seriously. That way you can get the problems tackled; you're in on conversations about your dad so you don't risk hearing your mkums garbled translation of what happened; your mum still feels in control; and your dad gets sorted. Please don't take any of what I've said as a personal criticism, as it isn't at all. The role reversal happens to everyone, and I've been very guilty myself of treating my inlaws as children pretty much since I met them (they seem to have always been old and a bit frail). . I didn't even know I was doing it and I only realised when DS1's then gilfriend did it to me some years ago- and I was only about 30 at the time! <> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggy Posted May 2, 2008 Share Posted May 2, 2008 (edited) dont worry about talking to us so often its what we are here for, you were one of the forum members who helped me so much when I was in a bad place I think you are fantastic Edited May 2, 2008 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted May 2, 2008 Share Posted May 2, 2008 Still reading your posts here too, and we all know that there but for the grace of God go many of us. Posting on here is a good way of getting your thoughts and feelings into some kind of order, better than writing a diary because you are getting emotional support at the same time. Best wishes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 2, 2008 Share Posted May 2, 2008 V, you certainly are not a selfish 'me,me,me' type of person. Quite the opposite, you're one of the most selfless people I know! You have great strength of character, I think you must get it from your dad eh? lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted May 2, 2008 Author Share Posted May 2, 2008 Thanks everyone, and thanks for your thoughts, WitchHazel. I haven't taken them personally . You've made some very valid points there and, in fact, I've been thinking the same thing recently (since she came out of the hospital). I've tried to make a point of stepping back when any professionals speak to us and also asking mum what SHE wants to do, what SHE wants to happen. She still hasn't been reacting postively towards me however so I have now decided to keep right out of it and say and do nothing until I'm asked directly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ES took a call from her this afternoon and she said to tell me to give her the car back. I called her when I got home. She said "can you please return the car." I said OK, do you want it tonight or is tomorrow OK? She said "the sooner the better" and put the phone down. I was trying to say I'll have to wait till OH gets home . She knows she shouldn't be driving because of her irregular heartbeat. But I'm afraid I'm not prepared to say anything to her so will just return the car and put the keys through her letterbox. I just hope I can live with myself if she knocks someone down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiepoppies Posted May 2, 2008 Share Posted May 2, 2008 Oh ANH! What a dilemma! The only thing I would suggest [if possible] is to get in touch with her GP who will know her medical history 'if nothing else, and ask his opinion. Also talk to your brother, I think he should have some input so you share the decision making. It is not fair if you take it all on board on your own. You know my thoughts: keep your chin up and help the wine go down Hugs, Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
