Will hoey

[Mumpty]

I'm 45, but my Mum would have you all believe I was 17! I have 3 kids, all lovely (sometimes) and doing well. I have a wonderful husband, a nice home and not too much to worry about really in the scheme of things , BUT...

I hadn't worked for nearly 18 years after having kids and was wondering when or if I could ever return to work having lost touch with all skills (not many to start with). 2 years ago, a friend mentioned that her friend needed someone to do a bit of admin work, turned out I knew the girl too and next thing you know I'm doing 6 hours a week, great. Well, the job has grown with me and now I do about 12 hours a week, nothing too demanding. I love it, having never realy liked work before kids (hated every job!), I love this job, I have found a new onfidence in myself and made friends and I don't want to give it up. But all the time my Mum keeps insinuating that I can't cope with it all, the house, the kids, the animals, the job BUT I CAN!! and now she has decided to lecture me on chicken keeping, this from the woman who has only ever had one cat (because my sister and I presuaded her 30 years ago to get one) and who has never had a son, but insited she knew boys better than me when I had one, are you getting a picture yet? Sorry to rant on, but although she's great and a a fantastic help with the kids, she keeps grating on about stuff to make me feel like a kid and totally incapable of doing anything.

 

Thanks for looking at this. It was good to get it off my chest.

[Gamebird]

Hi Mumpty

 

It sounds as though you are doing a great job of everything and what's more you sound really content with yourself.

 

I don't know your situation but could it be that your mum is feeling a little bit vulnerable because you can cope without her. My mum at the age of 82 still likes to tell me what I should be doing so I let her because it makes her feel wanted - but then she does live 375 miles away and I only see her 3 times a year so it's not a constant ear bashing

 

Anyway, you carry on doing what you want to do - life's too short.

[Olly]

I think Gamebird's got a point, maybe your mum feels a bit useless and so she's making herself 'useful' by acting as your greatest critic!

 

Also, perhaps she's a bit envious ... you sound as if you have a very full life and are someone who achieves things. Doesn't sound as if your mum did a lot, and without being nasty, perhaps she wants to believe that you can't cope, because she wouldn't have been able to.

 

Can you find something to ask her to do - knit chicken-jumpers, write down family history, make cakes - so she feels she's got a bit more purpose in life? And don't let her put you down, sounds to me as if you are doing a magnificent job coping with all that. Just smile nicely when she tells you how to live your life, and carry on as usual!

[Mumpty]

Thanks Gamebird, I think you're right, she probably feels she's been done out of a job and as Dad died 2 years ago, she's got no-one to 'direct'.

[Egluntyne]

You are doing a great job.

 

Don't be undermined.

 

Maybe your mum is finding it hard to accept that you are an adult, and that with a job, you have less time to spend on her.

 

Perhaps she is a little resentful that you have opportunities that never came her way.

 

My MIL wasn't suited when I got a little jobette...."women in our family don't work"......."people will think that you are short of money"......etc etc.

 

Happy Families eh?

 

Keep doing what you want to do.

 

Life is too short.

[hils78]

I wonder if it is some kind of projection of her own feelings - she could have never done what you ARE doing (& very well by the sounds of it). Maybe say to her in a light hearted manner next time she mentiones your work - 'mum - I could be spending 12 hours a week at the pub or persuing a hobby, I feel good about my job & I do it well'.

Regarding the chicken/ children thing - just say mum look at the fantastic job you did on me I take all your advice on board (then promptly ignore it !).

 

There's nothing like family stamping on your bonfire - keep your guard up & don't let the comments set roots.

 

Good luck x

[hillfamily]

she's got no-one to 'direct'.

 

from my own experience with my Mum, I think that may be where the problem lies

 

You're not alone with this problem.......I try to smile sweetly and let it wash over me (reminding myself that I'm nearly 39 years old, have 2 lovely teenagers that I have raised on my own for the past 12 years, have a nice home and am very happy with me and my life ) That's not an easy thing to do and there are times (i'm in one of them at the moment) where I get really down with what my Mum says to me.

 

Sending you big hugs Mumpty .........and yes you are doing a good job

[Mumpty]

Thank you all so much for the kind words, it seems we're all in the same boat, maybe I'll be like that one day with my kids - I hope not!

 

Hugs back to everyone.

 

Very jelaous of your lilac cube Pam, mine is coming in 3 weeks and I can't wait.

[Looney]

Sounds like you are doing a fab job! Keep it up

[susanbb]

You are doing a brilliant job. Be very proud of yourself

[Lisa]

We all get down and need reassurance that we are doing things right.

 

It sounds like you are doing a fabulous job

 

Well done.

 

Hugs Lisa X

[Blackrocksrock]

Sounds like you are enjoying life and doing fine - dont let anyone tell you otherwise - I lost my mum aged 95 a few years ago and she lived with us for ages - I looked after the 5 of us (adults) to feed, shop cook, clean, launder for and work full time - in fact more than full time I work 42 hours a week and she still maintained I did not do enough in the house - I do even less now and there are just 2 of us and a lot of dust - so what - the dust will be there when I am not. I also live 20 miles from the larger supermarkets so have to drive even to the local shops is 2 miles.

Carry on doing what you are doing and enjoy.

[Cate in NZ]

Oh dear, it sounds like there are a lot of "difficult" Mums out there . I thought mine was unique

 

Seriously Mumpty it sounds like you are doing a great job, if you are happy and fulfilled and your children are loved, secure and happy.....then what more could your Mum expect for/ from you . I don't know your Mum, so I hesitate to guess her motivations, but maybe there's an element of wanting to be needed and to be wanting to help with advice, and anyone aspiring to give advice generally wants to speak as if they come from a position of greater knowledge or aohority to give that advice credence. Even when you know that in fact they know nothing at all about the matter

 

Just keep up your own self-confidence, and don't let her undermine it, you really are doing a fab job . And if she really drives you crackers you could always do what I did...............and move away as far as possible . I actually miss my Mum now that she's 13,000 miles away

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Wish my mum lived 13,000 miles away (only joking ).

 

Sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job in all areas of your life.

 

I've only just learned (at 45 ) to swallow my irritation at my mother's comments - what really matters is that you know the truth! You have to try to be content with that!

[cordelia]

sounds like you're doing fine........ really, so try not to stress yourself too much...my mum is like yours, I'm 40, and she talks to me like I'm 12, no matter that I work full time, have 3 children etc.etc.....

 

just try and take a deep breath,change the subject and when you get home have a glass of wine and chill....

 

..and congrats on having a job you love !!!

 

good luck with your cube....i love the look of them, and wish I'd been more adventureous.

[jlo]

You sound like you are doing a great job. Keeping the balance is so hard as a mum and you seem to have it just right. I am 42 but mum can still make me feel like an inadequate 12 year old at times. (To be fair to her, she has lived with us for thirteen years since dad died and we get on pretty well considering!) I think that it is just a mother thing. I tell myself that I will not do the same to my kids but I find that I am turning into my mum in so many other ways that I will probably end up doing exactly the same in years to come

[Couperwife]

I think you are doing a fab job

 

just smile and walk away

 

((hugs))

 

cathy

x

[Mumpty]

Thank you ll so much for all the kind words, I had a really good day at work today, and worked out how to rearrange the invoices all on my own, I'm dead chuffed (it's all on the computer and I'm not the sharpest tool in the box with computers). I can't wait to tell my boss when she gets back from hols, she'll be pleased.

Yes, I think the thing is to be proud of what I've achieved and look back at how far I've come and the fact that I've coped with all of lifes knocks so far. I'll mull over it all again later with some wine

Hubby obviously thinks I'm doing ok, he gave me a whopper of a ring for our 20th anniversary today and we're off for a nice short break next week to celebrate.

 

[Couperwife]

well, there you go then

 

if you are happy, and he is happy, then everyone else can go and ************ (add in any word here that you want to )

 

cathy

x

[Angels4]

Mumpty you are the best. Here's wishing you and your OH another fabulous 20. BTW when my mom used to start judging or counciling, I would simply repeat to myself. "I've got nothing to wear to your guilt party!"

[Mumpty]

Love it Angels4

[Gamebird]

Happy 20th Anniversary Mumpty

 

I've got a lovely glass of Pinot Grigio in my hand - so cheers to you and your OH.

 

I hope you have a really good time celebrating next week.

[Lisa]

I'm toasting you too, Mumpty!

 

I hope I get a lovely present for my 20th. I have 16 months to go!!

 

Congrats!

[Ms Marple]

Mumpty wrote:

she's got no-one to 'direct'.

 

That is so true Mumpty. I am 48 and an only child and my mum sounds a lot like yours. She really does boss my dad around that I feel so sorry for him, but I see he finds his ways of coping. After all they are approaching their 50th next March. Not only that they make me feel like I am about 14. even my own two boys, whom I guess we have brought up to speak their minds - tell me that I am such a 'victim' where my mum is concerned.

 

I know deep down that she likes to be busy, involved and feel valued herself. I think i is all too easy to ride roughshod over those we really care about - because we can. It si makes me think, I must not be like her, yet she has so many good points too. My biggest sadness, is that she neve compliments me to my face. To other people she does - but sometimes you just want her to tell you that you are doing a good job - even though you KNOW you are. Hang in there girl. I'm thinking of you.

[Guest]

Boy, is this thread good for me?! What is it with mothers? In my calmer moments I worry that I might become like my mother.

 

My mother was a good mother, but now I realise she is a control freak as well as living in a VERY small little world of her own. She feels able to criticise me in the way I speak to her, the way I bring up my 4 children, where I go, what I do, the way I sit/stand etc etc. She would say it is not criticism, but helpful comments from someone who has been there/done that. Sometimes I want to remind her that I have a happy and successful marriage (she didn't) and 4 children (she had 3), so in many ways I am more qualified than she. I have learnt to view the remarks as my mother's problem. She is jealous or bored or whatever the reason - but she is not me and I am doing things my way, which on the whole work. I have learnt to brush off her remarks so that all I have to do is sort out my relationship with her and not let it touch me or my family. But she winds me up no end and it isn't easy! Currently she is hanging on to a rage that my 10 year old flew into 4 weeks ago. He has apologised for the awful things he said to her but she is not going to let it go and wants him to continue apologising and behaving in a very respectful and cautious manner.

 

So Mumpty, don't accept the criticism and don't worry. Stand up for yourself and the happy way you are living your life.