Patridge bantam chicken poorly foot?

[Valkyrie]

MIL and FIL have recently returned from a long stint abroad. MIL sends a sympathy card to my mum (dad gone just over a month). The message inside read:

"Sorry to hear about N*****, but he had been ill ever since I have known him, so it was bound to happen sooner or later".

Mum was quite upset - I of course am fuming and can't stop thinking about it. What person in their right mind would write that to recently bereaved people?

Actually dad was in good health - she had known him for 8 years before he was diagnosed with stomach cancer - which he overcame (was known as Captain Scarlet because he was indestructible) and he was still free of it when he died. He was being treated for Prostate - as is FIL, both responded to treatment well. So how can she say that he had been ill for over 20 years at all. So sorry about sounding off on here - OH said she means well, and I am being oversensitive! Am I? Probably, perhaps she is just stupid so I should overlook it.

Mum destroyed the card.

OH has invited his parents to us for Christmas - oh how I love that idea. Tobasco in her gravy?????

[clootie]

Oh Koojie, how insensitive of your MIL and how very upsetting for you and your mum. I can't even think of anything to say to perhaps understand why she would write something like that but you must try not to dwell on it, especially for your mum. I don't think I would be able to keep my mouth shut - I'd have to say something to her, I'd feel much better for it.

[GreenGirl]

I didnt know about your father, I am sorry, so sad.

 

That sounds painful Koojie

People can be thoughtless around bereavement, and not know what to say, not wanting to upset further thinking they are being positive and generally feeling awkward etc.

It does sound inconsiderate, and i am in no way excusing what MIL wrote, it was tactless. I wonder whether she is scared about losing her husband, it must have brought it home to her, and there might be a bit of her not wanting to see any comparison.

 

I dont think you are being oversensitive at all, hearing that makes me upset for you both too.

Are you able to get your husband to feed something back to her? it would be awful for it to spoil your or your mum's Christmas, which will be difficult enough as it is might be better to get it out now.

[Phonix]

Koojie I am so sorry about your dad.

 

What an awful awful thing to write. I can't even imagine what was going through her head writing such a thing.

Im not surprised that your mum destroyed the card.

I have no idea what to suggest what to do as im so hot-headed I wouldn't be able to not say anything although I do realise that this might not be the best thing in this situation.

As has been mentioned - could your OH maybe mention to her that it perhaps was not the best thing to write, and also not completely true...

 

Sorry im not much use really

Stacey

xXx

[chickenanne]

That's appalling, how crass. People do say the stupidest things following a bereavment. One of my mothers colleagues told me that it was "a shame I hadn't been around more" or something similar, at the funeral. Nice, eh?

I'm not surprised you're livid. I do wonder if she wasn't trying to say something along the lines of "he battled so bravely with his illness" or similar.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I'd have been fuming about that too . It just sounds like she was very thoughtless and didn't put much effort into thinking what to write. I hope you and your mum can just forget it (but I suggest chicken poop in MIL's gravy ).

 

My mum said, on hearing of the death of a 16 year old girl we know, "oh well, the world's not a very nice place to be anyway" . So you're not alone, that had me angry and upset for ages .

[Olly]

So sorry to hear about your dad. Receiving that card must have been so upsetting for your mum. Unfortunately, as GreenGirl says, people often struggle to know what to say after a bereavement, and say the most inappropriate things at times.

 

I suspect that what she was really aiming at was the 'it's probably for the best' approach that a lot of people adopt - when it's not actually happening to them. The comment 'oh well, she/he had a good innings' when an older person dies, whilst true, is one that I find particularly unhelpful!

 

You are definitely not being over-sensitive, it's really crass, but personally I wouldn't try and challenge her on it, she may not even remember what she wrote. I'd just make sure there are lovely photos of your dad everywhere when they come at Christmas, and you go on long and loud about how healthy he was right up to the end!

 

I do wish you all the best - Christmas is a difficult time when you've been bereaved.

[Paola]

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad Koojie

 

I agree with the others, it's really crass

[Valkyrie]

Thank you all for your kind comments - it's nice to know I am not being too silly - I had a couple of sleepless nights just thinking about it because you start to question yourself. OH is rather unsupportive when it comes to confrontations with his mother - even from previous run-ins. Although after the last humdinger I stopped backing off (can't win with her, whatever I do I am always wrong) and gave her a good piece of my mind. Since then whenever she voices her opinion and I don't agree, I tell her so - but then she doesn't want to hear anyone elses point of view. Had she said it in front of us I might have had a go - OH would sympathise with his mother and I would be treated like I had some contageous disease by them both. I have let him off because he obviously has faulty genes! My FIL on the other hand is really nice - he has backed me up before and I was gobsmacked, I thought he would agree with his wife! I bet he got it in the ear afterwards though - she did cut that visit short.

 

ANH:

but I suggest chicken poop in MIL's gravy

 

Oh that's a good one - hadn't crossed my mind - pure genius, but soooo evil! Would I do it? She is allergic to prawns.

 

I think I will have to bite my tongue and just think of her as a small minded, insensitive, rude, obnoxious twit. If you can think of any more adjectives - feel free to add them.

Crass is well and truly noted, thankies. A Christmas card to her could have "Have a Happy Crassmas" in it. Sorry, still cross.

[Paola]

A Christmas card to her could have "Have a Happy Crassmas" in it. Sorry, still cross.

 

Fantastic You have a right to be cross. Try not to let her get you down, I know it is easier said then done.

[Olly]

A Christmas card to her could have "Have a Happy Crassmas" in it.

 

Good attitude! Buy her something you know she'll really hate for Christmas - and just be glad OH only has half her genes!

[Snowy]

Hope you feel a bit better for having a rant Koojie! Sometimes that is all that is needed to help you feel better. Crass is a good word for her, but I daren't say too much as I've been known to put my foot in it once or twice Often best to keep your mouth shut sometimes (some people never learn though!)

 

OH is far worse - says the most stupid things at the most inappropriate times. Did it to his ex wife and she attacked him with a carving knife! Can't say I blame her, but note I am not advocating the same for your MIL!

[Mutrix Farmers]

Some people couldn't be tactful and diplomatic if their lives depended on it and your MIL is one of these. I too would be angry and I definitely wouldn't want them round for Xmas!!!!!

 

However we must feel sorry for these people as they clearly can't help being crass horrible thoughtless individuals whom "Ooops, word censored!"ody likes!!! And they will get their just desserts one day!!!

 

OH needs a kick up the pants though, he really must support you, after all he's left his parent's house and created a home with you who should now be his main priority (or is he keeping in with his parents for inheritance reasons?)

 

Rant away Koojie, we'll all support you! (((((hug)))))

[jlo]

That's appalling, how crass. People do say the stupidest things following a bereavment. One of my mothers colleagues told me that it was "a shame I hadn't been around more" or something similar, at the funeral. Nice, eh?

I'm not surprised you're livid. I do wonder if she wasn't trying to say something along the lines of "he battled so bravely with his illness" or similar.

 

Obviously I don't know your MIL (maybe I do is she local??) but I would also hope that she was going for that sentiment but made a complete hash of it.

[Valkyrie]

Mutrix Farmers:

Rant away Koojie, we'll all support you! (((((hug)))))

 

I feel all warm now, thank you all!

Yep feeling much better now. Had a nice walk to mum's earlier and then onto one of my friends because she had an open house Phoenix Cards session. It was nice for mum - especially as one of the other girls had brought her mum too. Then we noticed the sun going and I thought oh oh - the birds tea! So rushed back home - it has a nasty hill and someone tried ringing my mobile - no way could I answer it - I would have sounded like a heavy breather! That got the circulation going! Passed a house that I know has chickens (nice bokking sound on the way to mum's) and on the way back I heard quacking coming from their garden too! They also have cockatiels. The girls were good, but they heard me and there they were on the doorstep. Apache is now honking like a goose!

Thankfully MIL lives in Staines - pity the river hasn't swallowed her up when it burst it's banks a few years ago - oh dear there I go again!

[Valkyrie]

PS Jlo - if you have played golf against the Ashford (Middx) ladies you might have come across her. You would have heard her coming - she is very, um, loud.

[Seagazer]

Koojie - when I read your first post my mouth literally dropped open! That has never happened to me before. I am so sorry about your Dad and then to put up with that from your MIL. I can only hope that she hadn't quite meant it that way.

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

I second greengirl's post, and good on you for your lovely second post about your hill and chickens and Phoenix cards.

 

As for Xmas, could you lay down some ground rules for the visit with your OH - accetable topics of conversation and the like - which he could use to prep his mum with before she visits to avoid any upset?

 

I'd avoid Tabasco at Christmas. That fat beardy bloke and all his reindeer might ingest it accidentally and I've heard it encourages 'the runs'. That could be messy if he's got to fly all over the world that night.

 

Anna x

[Egluntyne]

People can be unbelievably crass can't they?

 

Some time ago a friend and colleague had to bear the tragedy of a foetal death in utero at 34 weeks.

 

I couldn't believe it when another colleague said to her....in a room full of people "I expect you have got over that unfortunate business the other month "

 

Finding the right words to say after a bereavement is always difficult, but your MIL's is up there with this one.

 

Very sorry to hear about your Dad.

[Emma Tarpey]

You have a good rant. It'll make you feel better

 

I can't imagine what was going on in your MIL's mind,

 

Maybe if you join her for a fish pie with hidden prawns would make you feel better

[Valkyrie]

I expect you have got over that unfortunate business the other month "

 

How awful for your colleague, Egluntine. Amazing what comes out of people's mouths sometimes. I think it is best to say, I am so sorry to hear the sad news, he/she was a lovely person, and for those who you didn't like it could be sorry etc, I will always remember him/her, and then it still sounds nice without upsetting anyone.

 

Anna - loved the idea of prepping - trouble with MIL she has a runaway mouth - she never thinks first.

 

I usually exchange rants with my neighbour, but she has just had an operation this week, so I don't want to disturb her - she's got enough on her plate with her own OH and he is so similar to my OH. They both hate confrontation and will not stick up for the wives unless at a safe distance! Chickens!!!

MIL can be quite intimidating - apparently she's always been like it according to OH's cousins. SIL said years ago (after a barrage from the dragon) that when her mother died she would have the following inscription done on the headstone:

"Here lies Doobydoo. She was very . . . difficult." I think that says it all!

 

Parting shot - never has anyone ever brought out such murderous thoughts from me!! I gather voodoo is becoming popular in France . . .