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[Tiggy]

I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in over 33 years. I still need time to calm down.....

 

there's a lot of it about I'm into 3 years without seeing from her & have stopped feeling guilty or even trying to work out why she behaves the way she does.

[Sheilaz]

It looks like time for plan B now ANH, and I understand your anger at the lack of help from your brother, yet not at all surprised, many brothers appear to be on a different planet.

You've tried that idea & it's not going to happen. Shall I just throw some thoughts in based simply on what I would do, but recognising that I'm hundreds of miles away & know nothing? In no particular order, my unprofessional observations;

 

Your brother just doesn't think the same as you, but you can't change that, and he is in a difficult situation too. Either he enjoys being the golden boy & doesn't want to upset that, or he simply isn't good at handling your Mother, which I'm sure you can understand!

 

If Mother did have a mild panic about a lunch he could have just gone along with her feelings and not pushed making it worse . Or, he could have sat her down and reassured her that it was definitely the right thing to do (whilst perhaps having doubts himself), in which case it would be hard work & would be "putting him in the middle".

 

It's going to work via your brother. Plus, look how it's now affecting your relationship with him. I'd put his friendship first, and reply that you understand & will have a rethink. Then, try & keep up contact with him where you chat about him/you/stuff...but not parents!

 

Yes, it's all coming from you, but it's the end result of keeping a friend which is important.

 

Then it's decision time, either;

a....forget all about Mother

b....or do the running to achieve a low key reconciliation.

 

I know many will suggest a. but I've always favoured b. (thinking of avoiding later regrets)

 

Thinking about the future, which scenario appeals to you?

 

If you want to try b, I have a plan, completely on your advantage, but this post is long enough already, see what others think first.

[WarrensWorld]

Mine didn't !!

 

We're all north of the border !!

 

I've an ancestor on my mothers side that came from Durham. I also went out with a girl from Fort William, is that any good.

 

To be serious I could write a book about my mother, but no one would believe me. They'd think it was an 'East Enders', story line. I used to hate her, but it's all over now.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Plus, look how it's now affecting your relationship with him. I'd put his friendship first, and reply that you understand & will have a rethink. Then, try & keep up contact with him where you chat about him/you/stuff...but not parents!

 

I actually came to this conclusion whilst talking to a good friend today . After all, mum's not going to be around for much longer, whereas he'll be my brother for years to come.

 

Then it's decision time, either;

a....forget all about Mother

b....or do the running to achieve a low key reconciliation.

 

At the moment, (a) is appealing . I can't make her want to see me and even if she did, I know I won't get any pleasure from a relationship with her.

 

If you want to try b, I have a plan, completely on your advantage

 

I would be very interested to hear Plan B . It still scares me to think what the future holds if things go wrong with either mum or dad so realistically I need to keep the door open or at least ajar .

 

[Egluntyne]

Is there a mutual friend that might step in and help arrange a for you to meet for lunch in a public place, sans brother - if needs be.

[clootie]

Mine didn't !!

 

We're all north of the border !!

I also went out with a girl from Fort William, is that any good.

 

Close enough! You are now on my Christmas card list - that makes a grand total of 8!

[Cate in NZ]

I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in over 33 years. I still need time to calm down.....

 

there's a lot of it about I'm into 3 years without seeing from her & have stopped feeling guilty or even trying to work out why she behaves the way she does.

 

 

Or there's an alternative. My mother and I have a difficult relationship, and I spend most of my life feeling as if I was failing in some way because we don't have a close relationship. Somehow I felt as if we should be close simply because of being mother & daughter. Well, it's a long, long story and far too tedious to share here, but we love each other to bits....from a distance. So I emigrated, that being my,alternative, solution, and 13,000 miles (give or take a bit ) does it just fine. We're great pals now....and she's even coming out next Feb to visit. My son is 18 this year, and if she's met him on 18 separate occasions I'd be astounded, but there's wrongs on both sides and heaps of old wounds that underly that statement. Ne'er mind, we all make our own beds andall that.

 

Good luck ANH, I'm absolutely not going to offer any advice, just heaps of good luck with whatever you do (or, equally, don't do ).

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Is there a mutual friend that might step in and help arrange a for you to meet for lunch in a public place, sans brother - if needs be.

 

She literally has not one friend. The only person she did see occasionally (a lovely old lady who I did have contact with) moved into a nursing home a few months ago.

 

There is no family either. They are all abroad apart from her nephew down south who tolerates a phone call every few months. She alienated everyone in the family a long time ago anyway and has no contact with any of them.

[Olly]

I think Sheila's post above is very wise.

 

In fact, I would have read his text a bit differently from you. He IS the 'pig in the middle', like it or not, because he is in contact with both of you, and it's not really his choice - the only way he coud avoid it is by cutting contact entirely with either you or your mum, and that's not going to help! He probably feels very uncomfortable with this, but doesn't know how to get out of it.

 

I hope you're feeling calmer now. I would focus on maintaining the relationship with your brother - otherwise your mum is succeeding, probably entirely subconsciously, in yet again manipulating a situation where she is the victim and everyone else is wrong.

 

I do hope things improve, but it seems to me that it's been best for you when you just didn't have any contact at all with her.

 

Anyway, I'm dying to know what 'Plan B' is, unless it's something Sheila's going to put to you privately!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I am calmer now, Olly . I haven't responded to him yet but am going to be sympathetic when I do and tell him he doesn't have to do anything about mum. If she wants contact, let her make it. I don't want to fall out with him and I'll say so.

 

I, too, am waiting for Sheila's plan . (I'm not texting him till I see it .)

[Valkyrie]

Or the pair of you go out for dinner together and try not to mention a certain person - just chat about nice things - us for instance! You could start by saying "I'm sorry you feel like piggy in the middle, lets just go out and be ourselves and have some fun when you come to visit next".

As much as mum wind's me up occasionally, I feel very lucky when comparing mums. My neighbour also has problems with her dad, who suddenly feels as he is ageing he should come back to live here - and has designs on her new spare bedroom! While he is here at the moment he has gone to stay with another relative - my naughty neighbour arranged rather strategically to have some building work done and so she and hubby would be in the spare room. But she will have him to stay for the last week or so of his holiday (and then he and his girlfriend will go off on a cruise!). As for her mum - well she is very jealous and demands a holiday with my neighbour too (both are very dominating people - probably why they were divorced). Poor D tears her hair out quite often with the 2 of them and says "I don't need this at my age!!" and then she feels guilty so she rings me up or comes for a cuppa for a little rehab. Pity you are so far away ANH, you could come and have a cuppa with me too - I'm a good listener.

[Sheilaz]

Well, plan b is something that I posted 6 months ago, nothing new or exciting!

It importantly doesn't involve a 3rd party, just you taking your Mum out for lunch at the garden centre once a month or whatever. This is from my post;

 

I think she may have been secretly jealous of your Father if he enjoyed a closer relationship with you, and she didn't know how to have those feelings herself, and again she tells herself that it's him you love, not her.

 

Secondly, I wonder if a "working relationship" would be possible instead of an estrangement (for your benefit). Along the lines of Christmas Day when you just took the positive note for a brief visit and ignored all other issues. Maybe a cuppa at the garden centre once a fortnight, with no old issues revisited, just day to day cheery stuff, even if it's a sympathetic nod at her woes. But, no negativity, not letting yourself be drawn into hurt or anger. If it starts winding you up, you change the subject (weather will do)suggest a look at the daffodils/herbs/hens or whatever and take her home again, on a good note. Maybe even tell her you love her & drop her off while she's still surprised.

 

The key is not to overdo it! Keep it brief, on neutral territory, neutral topics for conversation, & accentuate the positive and ignore any negativity, not let anything wind you up, and part with some kind words.

 

Anyway, I don't know. I wonder what your friend who you mentioned would think of this, she seems to know you very well?

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks, Sheila, I remember you suggesting it! It sounds so easy when you put it like that. I think I'd have to call her out of the blue and suggest it. I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that but I suppose if I want to resolve the situation, maybe that's what it'll take . If I have the element of surprise she won't have time to panic so perhaps that's the way to go?

 

I'm never going to get acknowledgements or apologies from her so I need to decide if it's worth the inevitable discomfort of spending time with her to prevent future awkardness.

 

I will ask my friend - she has been close to me through this whole saga (and herself had huge issues with her step-mum, now deceased).

 

I texted my brother saying that I knew it was rubbish for him, not to do anything about mum and that our relationship was more important to me. He replied "ok, no worries" so I'll leave it at that.

[Ygerna]

Is there a mutual friend that might step in and help arrange a for you to meet for lunch in a public place, sans brother - if needs be.

 

She literally has not one friend. The only person she did see occasionally (a lovely old lady who I did have contact with) moved into a nursing home a few months ago.

 

There is no family either. They are all abroad apart from her nephew down south who tolerates a phone call every few months. She alienated everyone in the family a long time ago anyway and has no contact with any of them.

 

People in Nursing homes are allowed visits, why not see if she would want to pop along and see her friend for half an hour?

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Ygerna, we've both tried suggesting that . She says things like "oh, she won't want to see me" or "she'll be too busy with all the visits & trips & so on". She gets very unsure and nervous in personal and social situations and wouldn't find it easy to just call someone or suggest doing something with someone. She's always got in a flap if someone comes to the house, expected or not and worries about what to wear if she's going somewhere and what people will think.

 

I think I've decided I'll call her on Thursday afternoon (I work Mon-Wed!) and suggest taking her for a coffee at a garden centre right then.

 

Wish me luck .

 

(Having said that, the woman who visits for a couple of hours on a Tuesday tried that once and she complained that it was far too tiring and she wasn't doing that ever again .)

[Chook n Boo Mum]

Wish me luck .

 

(Having said that, the woman who visits for a couple of hours on a Tuesday tried that once and she complained that it was far too tiring and she wasn't doing that ever again .)

 

At least you will have tried even if she moans...you never know, she might enjoy it

 

Lots of luck winging it's way to you

 

Sha x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

It's not just my new girlies that are chicken . Just went to Morrisons and spotted mum's car there. Got back in my car and went to Tesco's .

 

Stupid, I should have tried to bump into her - element of surprise 'n' all that .

[Space Chick]

Its not easy though, you don't want a confrontation when you are picking up your groceries.

 

I have had a difficult relationship with an Aunty of mine (who I no longer have contact with) and I was known to run in the opposite direction when I'd see her in the shops, so I appreciate why you did it.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it ANH

 

Hugs x

[Chook n Boo Mum]

You've made the decision about Thursday, stick to it...... there was no point in making yourself more stressed than you needed to

 

Good job you had the choice of another shop, otherwise you'd have been on "storecupboard supper" tonight

 

Sha x

[Valkyrie]

I did that with my aunt - thing was I saw her coming into the bank where I was working and I ducked down and told my colleague. She actually came to my section (Foreign department at the time) and luckily my colleague saw to her and told me when it was all clear. At least he didn't have to check her identity!

[Sheilaz]

Good luck today, ANH!

Keep it short, smile throughout, don't take anything personally, listen but don't react to anything bad, and accentuate the positive.

 

Keeping everything crossed that this goes well today (hope I have the right day, I have to go & haven't stopped to scroll back).

 

It would be terriffic if you just had this small link to normality with your Mother, rather than estrangement. One step at a time, and don't be distracted by discussing who did/said what. Just concentrate on a simple, calm outing.

 

[chickencam]

Best wishes for today and I hope it works out.

[Chook n Boo Mum]

Fingers crossed everything goes well today ANH, thinking of you

 

Sha x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Aww, bless you all .

 

I was all set to phone her this afternoon but the weather is awful - it's been pouring all day . She's particularly grumpy in bad weather so I'd kind of decided to leave it for next week .

 

If it brightens up, I may still do it - I really want to get it over and done with .

[Sheilaz]

She's particularly grumpy in bad weather so I'd kind of decided to leave it for next week .

 

Ah, yes, that is a factor. Although I once made the mistake on the 'phone of trying to bounce off the negatives by pointing out how lovely the weather was that day;

 

"Well, that's no use to me, is it?"

 

My daughter & I now say that to each other if we have to work on a sunny day.

 

I'm guessing you'll have to imagine the worst she'll come out with ("no one ever takes me out, etc etc") including personal comments, and ignore them and then it will be a surprise if it's better than you envisaged!

 

I can see what you mean in being torn between doing the deed soon, or getting the timing right.

 

Good luck anyway!