4m x 3m Omlet pen, cube, new auto door still boxed and coop light

[Ain't Nobody Here]

My mother managed to ruin a small part of my Christmas Day and now that everyone has gone to bed, I'm starting to seethe all over again so have come on here to vent. Sorry everyone, I know it's Christmas Day 'n all but here goes ....

 

She called yesterday and after lots of other unimportant stuff started raving and swearing about Dad's nursing home fees swallowing up all their savings (fair point but what am I supposed to do?). Without going into too much boring detail, I dared to try to point out (diplomatically) that she was contradicting herself so not to get worked up. "Let's not have another argument, I'm so sick of it" and puts the phone down.

 

Went into nursing home this morning to see Dad. Mum then arrived so I went up and said Merry Christmas. Got a withering look and a sarcastic "oh, yes, it's very Merry".

 

Took Dad's wheelchair through (it was time for lunch). Asked her if she wanted me to help get Dad into the chair or should I leave it for the staff to do.

 

"Do what you want. You always do."

 

So I kissed Dad goodbye and went home. I hope no-one could lipread on my journey home .

 

Why is she sulking when she was the one ranting and swearing and putting the phone down?

 

It's her birthday tomorrow. I don't want to see her. I know I always say this but I really don't think I can take any more of this. She didn't even give her grandchildren anything for Christmas.

Edited January 10, 2009 by Guest

[Joojoo]

I don't know what to say I'm not surprised you are upset and angry. I would be absolutely seething. I'm so sorry that she had to behave like this on Christmas Day of all days If you think she is going to upset you tomorrow, (personally) I would steer clear of her. Don't let her spoil another day for you - enjoy it with your hubby and children and do something just for you for a change. It will also give her a chance to reflect on what she has said and done today and maybe she will realise that you won't be treated like it

 

Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow.

Best Wishes

xx

[Goosey Lucy]

Have pm'd you. x

[Chickvic]

How sad, but try not to let it get you (easier said than done ) perhaps you should do as Joojoo suggests and have a day to yourself tomorrow. Hope you're feeling a bit happier tomorrow.

[Angels4]

Vicki I'm sorry to hear your mum has chosen to ruin the time you had to spend with your dad and on Christmas of all days. You can either spend the day with your mum on her birthday and be miserable or like Joojoo suggests spend an enjoyable day with your hubby and children.

It does sound to me like your mum is wanting you to offer to take your dad out of the nursing home and care for him at your home and because that is not an option she is blaming you for all the ills in her own life. Perhaps spending her birthday by herself will allow her to take a good long look in the mirror and some responsibility for her actions.

(((HUGS)) heading your way.

[Sheilaz]

How sad, it must really hurt & no wonder you feel angry & upset. You sound such a lovely person & don't deserve this, I do hope the rest of the day with "the boys" was fun.

 

I'm reading this from afar, both geographically & emotionally, without knowing either of you.

 

But, I'm wondering if, as well as your mother always having been "difficult"anyway, whether she is now also feeling desperately worried, unhappy and in a situation beyond her control. None of which is your fault, but you're nearest and dearest, so bear the brunt of her reactions.

 

She also seems to be finding it increasingly harder to think beyond her own needs which sounds selfish but again sounds like a complex build up, and again not your fault, but it must be hard to bear.

 

Also, although it would be lovely if she showed any sign of caring about gifts for the boys, it's quite common. But, it does hurt, particularly as you are close to your own children & can't imagine ever becoming distant about grandchildren yourself.

 

I can't possibly give advice, but I do think perhaps all you can do is be yourself, it'll be a shame if her attitude changed your lovely nature.

 

If you decide to always talk in bright, positive, good humour, whatever she has said, then you'll still be you, and her reaction is up to her. You'll deserve an Oscar if you manage to act as if the comments don't hurt, but it might help to always react with either sympathy or positivity, and keep it brief.

 

How about a short visit with a basket of flowers and birthday greetings, then "love her & leave her"? You'll have still been the daughter you'd like to be be if only she let you, & she can react however the mood takes her.

Act the same whether her response is good or bad. If it's good, that's a bonus, if it's bad, that's hardly a shock, but you'll have done your best.

 

There are a few one sided relationships where it's better to drop them, but I don't feel this is one. Maybe even give her a smile, hug, tell her you love her (nothing like surprising the enemy ) and exit happily for being true to yourself (even if barbed remarks are ringing in your ears!)

 

Whatever you do, I think you've been terriffic in all this. Love & hugs & sorry for waffle. I'm not making light of it, but it sounds as if your mother has always been strong and capable & feels out of her depth. xx

[Angels4]

Sheila,

Your response to Vicki is both eloquent and fairminded. I often don't give people the benefit of the doubt. The point you make about Vickis mum being out of her depth and unable to "control" what is happening making her increasingly more difficult is most likely spot on. Thank you for opening my eyes to other possibilities and maybe not seeing everything as black or white but the more interesting shades of grey.

[Egluntyne]

Vikki's mum has displayed irrational behaviour before so it isn't a surprise that at a highly emotional and often stressful time such as Christmas that it should all come welling up again.

 

I'd do what Sheila suggests and pop in today, with a "Sorry we can't stay for long, but wanted to see you on your birthday" message on your lips. You will feel better later on for having done the right thing. .....and you never know, she might derive a bit of pleasure from a birthday gift.

 

If she is angling for you to a) take your Dad home and care for him or b) stump up towards his nursing home fees.....only you and your OH know if either option is feasible. I know that you won't allow her to emotionally blackmail you into either, as you understand how she operates.

 

I hope your Dad had a lovely day yesterday, despite the blip.

[Ygerna]

I don't know what to offer by way of advice but, I did't want to 'read and run'.

 

I had christmas day issues yesterday but, after a good nights sleep I really am feeling much more positive. I hope that this is the case with you.

 

Look after yourself

 

Ygerna

[Lesley]

Brilliant replies from everyone Vicki and I can't add anything to them. I hope you manage to get through today and reach the evening feeling a little happier with events.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks as ever for all your thoughts and advice, everyone .

 

I lay in bed for ages last night concocting all sorts of plans - leaving a message on her answermachine (having checked from an old mobile that she was out ), leaving her present in the house with a note, or leaving it on the doorstep.

 

I don't think I want to see her today. She was so nasty yesterday that I don't see why I should put myself through that again. Having said that, OH has just suggested that I ring the doorbell, say I don't want an argument but wanted to give her her present. I'll be able to tell immediately what mood she's in and can walk away. I know that's the grownup thing to do but putting it on the doorstep is quite tempting!

 

Sheila, I completely agree with everything you said and I do try to be sympathetic but she is just so irrational and nasty when I don't feel I've done or said anything to deserve it, it's hard to see past her behaviour. If she's wanting help or comfort, that's not exactly the way to go about it .

 

My cousin, who is 15 years older and the son of my mum's beloved brother who died last year, told me very recently that he's never forgotten the way she treated me when I was 5 and mum and I stayed with them. He said I followed her about adoringly and she just ignored me or shouted at me for no apparent reason. I have no memory of this but he's obviously not forgotten in 40 years. He said my aunt was quite concerned about the way she behaved towards me too. He said it seemed like she just didn't want a daughter (odd, seeing as she had the choice when adopting ). He wondered if maybe my dad wanted a girl.

 

A comment she made during a recent conversation they had was interesting too. She apparently said to him that he was her only living relative in the UK. Thinking she was joking, he said you mean apart from your husband, children and grandchildren? She wasn't joking . Not news to me, she's often said we're not "real" children or grandchildren.

 

Thanks for letting me offload, once again. I'm off to her house soon. Don't know what I'll do till I get there .

[Sheilaz]

Your Mother does seem to have some very deep seated problems, which are not your fault, and I agree that you shouldn't put yourself through being on the receiving end all the time.

Your cousins insight fits the picture exactly.

 

I would do as your OH suggests, but keep your greeting brief & positive, not even mention the word argument. Then you can leave knowing that you have done your best, (as always!) and come back & get on with the rest of your life.

 

She may never show you any love or appreciation and continue with the nasty comments. It must really hurt, it's so undeserved.

 

But you're lovely!

[abwsco]

Oh Vicki, no advice as I've no experience of anything like that so just wanted to send you bucket loads of {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

[Redwing]

Oh dear Vicki - not what you needed on Christmas day.

 

I completely agree with Sheila's very sensible comments, its all good advice.

 

Your mum might well be feeling low and isolated but that is not an excuse for her to lash out at you and make terribly cutting comments We all get bad days and low periods in our lives but its just not acceptable for her to behave how she likes all the time and expect people to make allowances for it

 

My mother (in her fifties) still has emotional scars spiralling out of control since my dad died 18 years ago. My mother swings from calm, irrational to furious and back again and even walked out of my wedding!

 

I get myself through it by making my visits as short as possible, your mum needs to realise that when she treats you badly she loses out - if my mum kicks off during a visit I ignore it and make excuses to leave, if she gets angry on the phone I ignore it and cut the conversation short politely but firmly.

 

I know it sounds really awful but I have 'trained' my mum in the same way I trained my dog bad behaviour gets no feedback, good behaviour gets rewards.

 

If your mum is feeling upset and confused in her life (which she probably is watching her husband being looked after by others) she needs to understand that she can only get through it all if she keeps her family close and by depriving her of the sounding board that is you; she may come to the conclusion that she needs to moderate her behaviour

 

I am very sorry that this is pulling you all apart

 

Lots of hugs x

[craftyhunnypie]

I replied to this, but it has vanished? I thought I was nice & caring in my post?

 

Emma.x

[susanbb]

Not really what you needed at Christmas or at anytime.Hope Sheila's advice helped.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks, Emma, I'm sure it was lovely . (Posts disappearing happens to me all the time too )

 

Well, I've been brave and went round to mum's. She looked surprised and not exactly welcoming when she answered the door but kind of invited me in . She then spent 10 minutes looking for the cards she'd written to us and the boys. No mention at all of yesterday except to say what a rubbish Christmas meal they laid on .

 

She found the cards so I made my exit. Same as ever, no acknowledgement of her behaviour and I'm supposed to just carry on as normal . I left saying goodbye but not when I'd see her again.

 

She's given us all money for Christmas which is very welcome. My cheque is in my maiden name .

[Egluntyne]

Maybe you didn't press submit.

 

Have pm'd you ANH.

[jlo]

I can only echo the rest of the advice and say that I am thinking of you.

[Sheilaz]

Well done ANH!

You've done so well to stay balanced & good humoured all your life. Hope you enjoy the rest of the holidays now.

 

Emma, you haven't been moderated (I'm sure you said something kind!), it might have been a blip if 2 people were pressing submit at the same time. It happened to me earlier, I had to press submit a 2nd time.

 

Vicki, I wasn't meaning to give advice, (but thanks for your words Mark) just here as a friend I hope.

[Lesley]

Emma and Vicki - it is very easy to not click on 'submit' - Im always doing it I don't think that any moderating has been needed........or performed!

 

Vicki - I think you've behave admirably and your children will have such a good example in your behaviour - enjoy the rest of your day

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Vicki, I wasn't meaning to give advice, (but thanks for your words Mark) just here as a friend I hope.

 

I like advice . Helps me think twice about any rash, kneejerk reactions . I really appreciate everyone's input, be it advice, sympathy, concern, praise (), suggestions, diagnoses .... it all helps .

 

Please don't anyone apologise for posting - they are all accepted in the spirit they are intended .

 

Lesley, my kids don't know the half of it . They occasionally see me in tears or hear me ranting but they don't have a close relationship with "granny" (no, really ) so I think most of it passes them by. Thankfully they also have a normal grandma who is lovely . Sadly, she and all of us are now coping with some distressing news about a close family member but she is very easy to comfort and we're all pulling together.

[poachedegg]

ANH - I have 'issues' with my parents at the moment - though nowhere as deepseated as yours......all we can try to be is the people we are, we are not responsible for others peoples' action, they are responsible for their own and, just like we do, have to take the consequences of their actions/words accordingly.

 

Be true to yourself and do what is right for you, as that is what saves your sanity.

 

Hope today is better for you!

[alexgirl73]

ANH, I have every sympathy with you and the situation you are in. I too have had a very traumatic time with my mother in the past, and I eventually decided no more summer of 2007 after we had a huge row. I refused to be made to feel like a naughty schoolgirl all the time and put down and dismissed as worthless. I still let her see the kids however, but as she lives in Scotland and we only go up 2-3 times a year, it is easier for me. My eldest however is beginning to make noises about not wanting to see her , so who knows. She also sent me text messages when we were up last week wanting to know why I said I hate her etc and she doesn't know why I've never said I hate her, I love her, she's my mum, but that doesn't mean I want her in my life. In the end up you have to do what's best for YOU and your family. Ask yourself whether you would put up with that behaviour from anyone else, I suspect the answer would be no! If this had been a one off, due to stressful times I could understand it, but it seems to be an ongoing thing, and there eventually comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, for your own well being ((hugs))

[Cooks]

Vicki, I really cant add anything as I feel that the other previous posters have covered everything but I wanted to say this touched my heart and I am sending you some virtual hugs.