4m x 3m Omlet pen, cube, new auto door still boxed and coop light

[Woodcat]

and it amused me so i thought i'd share it

Beth

 

Deliver us from evil chickens

 

We're in despair. We bought two hens for the garden, but it has turned into a nightmare. They are bossy sods with strange alien eyes and weird dinosaur feet. They amuse themselves by terrorising the neighbour's cat and "singing" their special egg song at six o'clock every morning. They freak us out by pecking at the back door, so they can "be with us". Their fastidious appetites and mind control skills mean that we now spend a fortune on the special hen treats they insist on - so much so, in fact, that each egg we get now costs us roughly a tenner. And we're vegetarians, so we can't even kill or eat the feathered horrors. What can we do?

 

The subject field of your email was filled with the words "Hens are controlling our minds". I confess I opened it with some trepidation, together with my well-worn copy of the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (and a directory of relevant clinics) to hand. But as I read your story, my fear turned to compassion, because every line of your missive is redolent of true and deepening anguish that speaks to my very soul.

 

In short, I yearn to help. But, alas, it is that sympathy for your plight that renders me powerless to help you. It is the dinosaur feet that get me, too, you see. I find it impossible to rid myself of a choking fear of something that can be so chunky, feathery and endearing on top, and yet such a hideous, scaly concentration of aeons of scrabbly meanness below. Chickens' untrustworthiness is writ into their very anatomy. How anyone can think that such contradictory, chimeric beasts are not out to get us is beyond me.

 

Thus I have no hands-on hen experience that may be pressed into your service now, so must confess that I am stymied. But, as I believe you could not have submitted to my inbox a problem more calculated to stir the Guardian's readership to action - unless, of course, you were trying to convert your apple press to solar power or knit yourself some lesbian muesli - I throw it open to the crowd and beseech them for the solutions that elude me here.

 

For you, dear readers, recently responded in droves to say that the 6ft lady searching for a taller mate might find it more productive to move to Scandinavia than to follow my suggestion of digging a personal trench with concealed ice skates and taking it with her wherever she goes. I don't doubt you will prove equally resourceful when it is a hen-owner in far more desperate need.

 

And if said hen-owner's suffering is not enough to move you to compassionate action, think on this: for evil birds to flourish, it is only necessary for good readers to do nothing. Thank you.

Edited July 14, 2009 by Guest

[*mummy_hen*]

I couldn't help but laugh at the post underneath

[Chickvic]

at both of them!

[wooky]

Wow, did any of you check out the youtube clip linked? Genius

[Chickvic]

That you tube clip is fab! I loved it!

[Lewis]

No-one offered the hens a home yet?

[HENthusiastic]