vigo Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 I think I've got some prozac lying around somewhere, think you could slip it into his tea? Something serious is obviously wrong with the poor lad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 I've got one - here goes: - Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident' "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks ..... ''How many is a Brazillion ??!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP........ BUMP...... BUMP........ He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster......... BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP..... BUMP........BUMP...... The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... He started to sprint, but so did the coffin . BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..… BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and lumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached towards the bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came . BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it . Still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it. Still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped. Groan... Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fleata Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 Two old ladies are sat in a cafe. One says to the other "Vera, why have you got a suppository in your ear?" And the other says "Oh - I wondered what I did with my hearing aid....." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Here's one to brighten up a Friday: THE AMISH ELEVATOR An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together. The boy asked, "What is this Father?"The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 I'm making crackers this year so I will come here to lift some of the jokes to put in them! - hope no-one minds? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Ooooh - Cracker Jokes... Now let me see, i'm sure I can come up with some Feel free to lift any of my jokes if you find them worthy. Here's a little ditty that I received by email recently, a sign of the times perhaps? FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 4 November 2004 Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols - please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 5 November 2004 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Pauline FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6 November 2004 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table - you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange. no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 7 November 2004 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed, but we will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorrry! Did I miss anything ?!?!?!?! Pauline FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F****** Employees DATE: 8 November 2004 RE: The F****** Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday. The "Ooops, word censored!" from HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: 9 November 2004 RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay. Happy Holidays! John Bishop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Another laugh out loud one, brilliant! Hadn't heard yours before either, Clare. Thanks both of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Re: Cracker Jokes... Do a Google search for 'Cracker Jokes', there's loads come up, so i'm not going to tax my brain trying to think of any - lazy or what Here's one to get you started... http://www.jokeemail.com/cracker.htm Cheers Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bracken Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Have just sat and read all the jokes posted.......will now have to nip to the loo before i wet myself! Havent laughed like this for a long time. BRILLIANT. My oh thinks i'm cracking up!!!!! Marjorie Emily Bubbles Jasper the dog 2 hamsters Lots of Koi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 Thanks Jem - brilliant. Bracken - please don't mention wetting yourself -I've postedin another topic about this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 Jem, that Christams party one is a gem! I have just forwarded it to everyone in my mailbox excluding the Bank mangaer who obviously has no sense of humour! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 The world works in strange ways. Not 2 minutes after my posting above,I got this joke in my mailbox from my Brother. Its not very PC,so I am blaming little bro if anyone finds it a bit offensive...... Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 Love it Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 So do I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bracken Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 JIM AND EDNA JOKE. Where do people get them from?.............that was brill!!!! Marjorie Emily Bubbles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 It's a bit long, but I hope you like it. The Saga of Hotel Soap by Shelley Berman (american comedian) Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Yes, I remember that one and I didn't get it for years either (the joke, that is )! Two parrots standing on a perch. One says to the other "can you smell fish?". Took me ages to get that one too ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 That's really funny Kate. I like jokes like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
