bluekarin Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 My DS, who will be 13 in September is being a utter nightmare recently. He's always has a bit of a temper, even from a small toddler, but recently, coinciding with starting at secondary school, he is changing so much, and not in a good way. He is surly with us, shouts at us, doesn't want to do anything unless it's on his terms. Everything is 'boring!'. He is being sneaky about things too, and watching programmes on the laptop, when he should be asleep in bed, and logged onto FB at 1.30AM! I thought that its was that the girls would be a nightmare when turning into teens, but my ED is a dream compared to him. I just don't know what to do and how to talk to him. Everything feels a struggle and a battle. Any suggestions greatfully received Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 My DS found the transition into secondary school very hard. He has gradually come to terms with it all. I can only offer what works for us, he likes one to one time and will tend to open up more then. We try to make a fuss of the good stuff and as much as possible ignore the rest. We also try to take an interest in what interests him, we watch football matches together, and he is quite science based and loves Wonders Of the Universe etc, so we watch things like that with him. I try to have an individual chat with mine as often as I can and give plenty of hugs without being overly clingy. Good luck, my DS is nearly 15 and most of the time he is ok, so long as we don't attempt coversation before noon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucky Mama Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 My YS is just 13 and whilst still lovely he is a little more of a challenge that usual. He is though, horribly hormonal. There are obvious changes bodily and so I am cutting him a little slack. You may find that the combination of hormones and lack of sleep (which I find is the route of all evils with child behaviour) is too much for him to cope with. I found the YS was under the covers either fiddling with a iPod or Laptop after lights out and also sometimes early before school. We now have a rule that both need to be left outside his door when he goes to bed. We have also talked about how we appreciate the next year will be difficult for him with these hormonal changes - voice breaking, body changes,facial hair etc and of course girls. This however does not allow him to be rude or to break house rules Giving him more trust and responsibility has helped make him feel more mature and for us to get out heads around the fact that our 'baby' is more mature. He went on the bus to town alone with both guitar and ipod (a muggers delight) from our very rural village, walking some distance to the bus stop and crossing a busy road (Risk assessment carried out by both parents ) I know that this made a huge difference to him - I sweat for a few hour though It is also worth checking with him that there are no issues with bullying at school. If he has a tutor/mentor or point of parent/school contact, I would be inclined to check how he is behaving at school and whether he is happy. The first 2 years at secondary school are tough. First they are the new kids trying to fit in and then they are flexing their muscles as they are no longer the new kids. My ES found it hard as he was not interested in drinking, smoking,looking at smutty mags and asking out girls. He soon realised that not everyone does this - it was just the loudest in your face kids that made the others feel inadequate. Good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadietoo Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 (edited) My YS is just 13 and whilst still lovely he is a little more of a challenge that usual. He is though, horribly hormonal. There are obvious changes bodily and so I am cutting him a little slack. You may find that the combination of hormones and lack of sleep (which I find is the route of all evils with child behaviour) is too much for him to cope with. I found the YS was under the covers either fiddling with a iPod or Laptop after lights out and also sometimes early before school. We now have a rule that both need to be left outside his door when he goes to bed. We have also talked about how we appreciate the next year will be difficult for him with these hormonal changes - voice breaking, body changes,facial hair etc and of course girls. This however does not allow him to be rude or to break house rules Giving him more trust and responsibility has helped make him feel more mature and for us to get out heads around the fact that our 'baby' is more mature. He went on the bus to town alone with both guitar and ipod (a muggers delight) from our very rural village, walking some distance to the bus stop and crossing a busy road (Risk assessment carried out by both parents ) I know that this made a huge difference to him - I sweat for a few hour though It is also worth checking with him that there are no issues with bullying at school. If he has a tutor/mentor or point of parent/school contact, I would be inclined to check how he is behaving at school and whether he is happy. The first 2 years at secondary school are tough. First they are the new kids trying to fit in and then they are flexing their muscles as they are no longer the new kids. My ES found it hard as he was not interested in drinking, smoking,looking at smutty mags and asking out girls. He soon realised that not everyone does this - it was just the loudest in your face kids that made the others feel inadequate. Good luck As ever great advice Chucky Mama...I was just going to post something very similar. If it helps my DS is now 18 and lovely....it does pass.... Edited March 20, 2011 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majorbloodnock Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 I must admit I find it hard to envisage your situation because my (and my wife's) style of parenting means my son'd only try that a few times. Sometimes I wonder if we're overly strict, but surliness and rudeness have never been tolerated, and lying getting the worst consequences of all. I fully expect my son to try a bit of sneakiness, and if I'm honest I reckon that he's entitled to any that he can get past us, and I have been known to "not notice" a couple of things so he can have a bit of personal space. However, anything related to t'interweb has strict guidelines, and the first is that he has to put up with some moderating software on his laptop. It so happens I use Microsoft's Family Safety, since it's both free and good at integrating with the operating system (particularly Windows 7, which is what he's got). At the moment, the restrictions are fairly high (log off forcibly at 9pm, only allow sites that are known to be appropriate for his age etc.), but I'm allowing him a few opportunities to surf without me looking over his shoulder. In short, my attitude is that it's easier to be strict and relax a few rules than to be too easy-going and then have to tighten the reins. Overall, though, since our situations appear so different, I'll avoid giving my views on almost teen boys. However, I'd recommend applying some means of enforcing laptop rules, not least so that, with nothing else to do, he may get some sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbaraJ Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 I must admit I find it hard to envisage your situation because my (and my wife's) style of parenting means my son'd only try that a few times. Sometimes I wonder if we're overly strict, but surliness and rudeness have never been tolerated, and lying getting the worst consequences of all. I fully expect my son to try a bit of sneakiness, and if I'm honest I reckon that he's entitled to any that he can get past us, and I have been known to "not notice" a couple of things so he can have a bit of personal space. However, anything related to t'interweb has strict guidelines, and the first is that he has to put up with some moderating software on his laptop. It so happens I use Microsoft's Family Safety, since it's both free and good at integrating with the operating system (particularly Windows 7, which is what he's got). At the moment, the restrictions are fairly high (log off forcibly at 9pm, only allow sites that are known to be appropriate for his age etc.), but I'm allowing him a few opportunities to surf without me looking over his shoulder. In short, my attitude is that it's easier to be strict and relax a few rules than to be too easy-going and then have to tighten the reins. Overall, though, since our situations appear so different, I'll avoid giving my views on almost teen boys. However, I'd recommend applying some means of enforcing laptop rules, not least so that, with nothing else to do, he may get some sleep. Lol i was thinking the same thing, the laptop would be out of the room before bedtime, or hubby has even threatened to cut off the plug before!! It is a trying age for boys and i am glad my 21yr old didn't have the Internet at that age. His was the PS1/2. Everything seemed to be an effort but he didn't really get a choice to be rude and i never accepted grunts lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sageandonion Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Our ES is 13 - he has his own laptop but it isn't allowed in his bedroom, no tvs in bedrooms either. He doesn't use FB - he did show some interest before Christmas but I managed to put him off it. He only uses his laptop downstairs where we can keep an eye on him.I'd start with some ground rules with your son's laptop too - not using it in his bedroom/ may be restricting the length of time he's on it. If he's been on FB till 1 am his irritability could in part be down to tiredness. I'd also have a word with his form tutor, to see if he/she has noticed a change in behaviour, to see if there are any friendship issues etc and to ask the tutor to keep an eye on him. Good luck, hope things improve soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I have a 9 yr old (second child) who is also challenging. Hes already "bored" with everything and lack of sleep does not help. I recently lost it as he plays up over breakfast issues - so hes told now if hes not eaten by 8 -no computer etc for a week. We all parent differently - what works for one family doesnt for another. When push comes to shove if things get too much they still cry like little children even my 15 yr old. All I can say is you and OH stick to same agenda and give him lots of cuddles. Hes still your baby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majorbloodnock Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 ....All I can say is you and OH stick to same agenda and give him lots of cuddles. Hes still your baby Now, here I couldn't agree more. Rules vary widely from family to family, but as long as the rules are applied consistently - both over time and between parents - and are fair and reasonable, the child won't be confused and will see the reason, no matter whether they like it or not. And the cuddles bit is, I think, often overlooked. The knowledge that a parent's love is unconditional is, I think, a very stabilising influence on a child, and I don't think there's anything mixed in a message like "I love you very much, but right now I'm also livid at what you've just done." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluekarin Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Thank you all for your comments/suggestions. I should have said that the laptop is in fact his elder sisters which she uses for homework and he borrowed it when a friend was over so they could chat to another friend over Skype. I just forgot it was in is room - the laptop is usually downstairs - and it was a one time thing which I only realised when I commented on his FB post only then to realise the time he was on! I have checked the history logs and he hasn't done anything like that before. We have very high settings on our router which stops the kids, and me looking at sites with certain keywords (alcohol, violence, drugs etc etc) They do have computers in their rooms, which is mainly for homework but they do play games on them and watch programmes. I wasn't happy about them having computers in their rooms, but that was hubbys decision. He, DS not hubby, has been banned from the computer in his room and is only allowed on it downstairs in the living room if I say its ok. He does have a lot of freedom. He cycles to and from school everyday (apart from Mondays when hubby takes him as he has guitar lessons and can't take his guitar on his bike). He goes out for cycle rides with his friends, into town occasionally. I do chat to him as much as I can. And I do hug him, even if he's not so keen I tell him I love him, and mostly he is lovely. It's just this temper when he doesn't get his own way. It doesn't help that his elder sister and him do not get on which I am sad about as they used to be close. He still plays with his younger sister, until they fall out. I do feel sorry for him in that he is the middle child and an only boy at that. Can't be easy. Anyway, if we can get away from the laptop bit, as that isn't the issue, and maybe some suggestions about boys and hormones and how to deal with them, that would be lovely. Thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucky Mama Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 It sounds like you are doing pretty well already Splitting the children up and spending time alone with one at a time is invaluable for us. Even if it is a trip to the supermarket, it tends to be the time when we really find what is going on. OH did have a few runs ins with ES at this age and they started to play squash together once a week. Problem sorted (OH not keen on being beaten by his 'little boy' though ). YS has time aside for golf and 'geeky maths/science chat' and DD shares a music lesson with me and basically comes and tells us when she needs time with us We worked really hard from day 1 to avoid 'middle child' syndrome, it can be tough. Having said that we are currently working very hard at 'youngest child' syndrome Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I think you're doing well; it's not an easy time for them or us parents, and they have access to so many more distractions than we did as children. I sometimes get similar behaviour from Rosie, she's just turned 13 and can be grumpy with a vengeance when it suits her. I tend to take the same tack as the major, although find it frustrating that she gets a lot of slack when she is staying with her dad I use Windows Family safety too and find it to be an excellent product, computers are only to be used downstairs in communal rooms where I can keep an eye on her. The only issue that I have in this respect is her DJing when she ought to be doing homework. ipod and mobile phone are confiscated before bed time and these privileges are taken away completely if certain standards aren't met or chores done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goosey Lucy Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 A piece of advice I've been given (or possibly read) is that boys aren't so good at the 'sit down and look at me when we're talking' thing, they're better at side-by-side conversations. Chatting while doing a task together, even if it is doing the washing up can give a better outcome then trying to look him in the eye over the dinner table. I have all this to come...ES is about to turn 11. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sageandonion Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I do think it's really tough being a middle child, not that I am one but I have one. We have 2 boys and a girl, in that order. Our middle one (aged 10) lives very much in his brother's shadow. His older brother is very bright, has loads of mates and has great self esteem. Nothing really fazes him. The middle one is very sensitive, thinks he's stupid - he isn't and lacks confidence. He's had a couple of not so good years at school with being picked on. Nothing major but enough to have an impact. This year things are getting better, he's been split up from his best mate class wise - I wasn't happy at 1st but he is having to branch out now with friendships, the last 2 weekends a couple of kids have knocked at the door for him to play.That has boosted him up no end. Usually kids just knock for his older brother. I definitely think placing in the family can impact on how a child is - I'm sure there's a lot to be said for middle child syndrome. Is there anything your son and ED can do together to improve their relationship - a common interest may be? My 3 argue a lot and I end up being referee but that's siblings for you. On the hormones front could your surgery offer some advice - may be GP or health visitor? They must deal with hormones all the time. It sounds to me like you're a great mum and doing all the right things. Again like others have said secondary school is a big adjustment and coupled with puberty it can't be easy. At times I wish I was younger but in some ways I don't miss those teenage years!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 My DS is a middle child with sisters either side, which can be hard, also his older sister is a high achiever so he feels a bit daunted about trying to get to her level. We have explained that so long as we see him doing his best that is good enough for us but obviously it is not for him. Boys definitely open up more during day to day task related one to one time, I had a great chat with my DS when I took him to the orthodontist last week, hardly what you would think of as quality time, but he did have my full attention, so much so that I had to drive round a multi story car park twice because I had missed the exit Sleep is a major issue and one we battle with a lot, my DS uses his laptop for all his school work because he has poor handwriting and can type quicker than he can write. We therefore have to give him more time with it than we would otherwise. If we feel that standards are slipping he has to do his work in the lounge with us keeping an eye on him for a week or so. We do however find that largely trust given is returned with respect for our rules. As for hormones and body changes, I have found that being very open with my DS has worked well, he will talk to me about most things without embarassment, even though sometimes I am squirming on the inside They need to feel as normal as possible, I think people tend to forget that the changes that boys go through are equally as scarey as the ones for girls. My DS gets a lot of stick from his sisters for his squeaky voice which get more squeaky when he is upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 YS of 9 thinks girls are pants. He has 2 female friends who are "one of the boyz" but we saw ES's ex girl friend today and YS said "oh that tramps still around then" I was driving so he couldnt see the look on my face. Dread to think what sort of lady friend he will drag thro the door in a few years. Joys of motherhood eh. Chin up ladies its called the rich tapestry of life (in my case a few dropped stitches!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Lots of exercise helps, both for him and you. We have been known to hook our evil Ys out with no shoes on and walk him around the village in the dark, rather than have him in the house losing his(and my) temper. I've rung childline before and handed the phone to him! they do grow out of it, but it's grim at the time for you esp, as they're no longer"yours", but trying to be their own person, minus the skills to do so... bit like a semi fledged bird trying to fly I personally think being a teen these days is awful, there is so much social pressure on them, esp in bigger senior schools. Add in the hormones, and the growth rate, and no wonder they lose it. there are so many changes going on in their bodies, even they find it hard to cope(mine admitted this) Dont despair, try to keep him fed with toast and decentish food, as fluctuating sugar levels make a difference to, and it does pass, then they take a driving test, and you never see them again!(or yr car) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
..lay a little egg for me Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 A piece of advice I've been given (or possibly read) is that boys aren't so good at the 'sit down and look at me when we're talking' thing, they're better at side-by-side conversations. Chatting while doing a task together, even if it is doing the washing up can give a better outcome then trying to look him in the eye over the dinner table. I have all this to come...ES is about to turn 11. Gosh, that is so true. It hadn't really dawned on me until you wrote it down that our DS is exactly like that. He has just turned 12 and is showing all the symptoms described in this thread!! Am appreciating the great advice given and I'm sure bluekarin is finding it as reassuring as I am! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 The not looking at them is so true. Most of YS and me conversations take place in the car, driving miles for sport........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarrensWorld Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Let the Boy 'Boogie Woogie' its in him and it's got to come out. Teenage angst is it a male thing?, its a bad time for boys the hormones kick in big time. I had a really bad time, no teenage spots, and no greasy hair, but I hated everything and everyone. I thought I had a brain the size of a planet, but time taught a different a lesson. Love your son, but set the rules and guidelines. Every now and again tell him he's your son and just say 'You're OK'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
