Chicken bald back

[CatieB]

Please bare with me, not sure if I will manage to convey this well.

 

I have a friend that I have been friends with for many years and we were very close during that time. We were confidants to each other. If anything happened I would be the first person she turned to and vice versa. We would keep in touch, even if it was just a text, most days and would speak regularly. I would certainly know what was happening with her and her me.

 

Over the last year I have noticed a change, gradual at first. So for example she didn't contact me about a regular event she'd usually get tickets for and that we'd meet at. The contact reduced, again gradually, messages not replied to etc. I have tried to take it in my stride and think that things change etc etc. I honestly would say I've been normal in return. I did ask once if there was problem as I wasn't hearing from her much and offered any help I could give. She said there was no problem.

 

Now after all this time, what is left now is in reality not much and when I contrast to how it used to be bothers me. I sent a message 5 weeks ago asking how things were and looking forward to a catch up. I got a reply at the time saying she was busy and we would catch up at the weekend. Then nothing until today a text apologising that life has been mad etc. However her life has always been like that, they are very busy people and generally life is hectic.

 

A part of me thinks I just have to accept it, I can't make her want to be friends in me or want to confide in me. However I really don't understand what has happened or why, for example if I've done, or not done something. Hubby says just ask her but I'm not sure want to just be blunt like that and plus I wouldn't necessarily get the truth.

 

I'm not sure what to do and certainly don't know how to reply to the text. I feel insulted that's all I get after so long but even typing that I feel petty. I wish I weren't bothered but I am and keep thinking about it. Any wise words

[chickencam]

Has anything changed in your friend's life recently, ie new partner, baby, job etc? If she already had a hectic life any of these factors can make a huge difference. Equally if any of these things have changed in your life which may have changed the dynamic of your friendship.

 

It may just be that the friendship had run it's course, I have experienced this a few times especially when children have moved from primary to secondary school.

 

I hope that you can sort this out.

[Plum]

Perhaps she is just growing up and can internalise things better than in the past when she would have offloaded on you. How about inviting her to meet then you can clear the air

[Gertie]

I think friendships just change over time, some of mine have. I have a friend who I still see but each time I notice a change in her as she adopts more of her husbands values and beliefs (which are a bit strange)!

 

Perhaps as Plum says she doesn't need to confide anymore. I'm sure it's nothing you've done.

[Alis girls]

Hi Plum - I posted re a friend who I'd had words with earlier this year. I felt it was always me doing the running and confornted her albeit not that tactfully - she wouldnt let me get a word in on the phone so I put it down on her. Got a nasty text. Result we have not spoken for about 6 months. Our boys (17) are still mates (just) and dont mention their silly mums. I miss her friendship but do feel she wanted everything on her terms. I think our friendship has run its course. You may have to accept this too. I dont know how old your friend is - is she married/ divorced/ single etc. I would not contact for a while and see what happens. Christmas is coming - you could post a card and say hi etc. Hope yours had a better outcome than mine.

[merlina]

Friendships definitely change over the years for a whole host of reasons, as others have said.

 

For eg, I stopped being so close to most of my friends when they had families (and I didn't). There was no falling out, it just became evident over some time that their lives and interests were very different to mine. So there was a gradual decline in how often we communicated; they made new friends with other mums/couples and people who were living similar lifestyles. We're still all friends, but I don't see them often and I'm certainly no longer the person they call to confide in.

 

So perhaps your friend's life has just changed. Perhaps she's become more involved with couples that she and her partner see together? Or if she's single perhaps she just is leading a very different lifestyle and is spending time with others she now has more in common with? Or perhaps she's really involved with work/a hobby and is spending her time in that direction.

 

I know that I've been guilty, in the past, of being the person who didn't return calls etc. Usually that was just because I was overwhelmed with work stuff and when I wasn't working I was sleeping! At other times I would, as someone who very much likes their own space, just need a break from people having been around loads of them all day.

 

I don't think there's a lot you can do apart from keeping the lines of communication open. It's important not to get embroiled in whose turn it is or who is making most of the effort. Many years ago a friend had a similar problem with one of her best mates. It turned out that her mate was being the victim of domestic violence/control and only because my friend had kept calling/texting over quite a long period (a couple of years) without getting much response, did her pal eventually feel able to say what was happening.

 

Friendships will wax and wane, so what's also important is that you look for other people to help fill the gap that this person's withdrawal, at least for the time being, will leave

[CatieB]

We are both at the same life stage; husbands children etc nothing has changed for either of us in that way. There are on going issues for her which I know are still there that are the type of thinks you need support with and to talk about ...but obviously not to me anymore. Maybe she does now internalise things as suggested but equally I know that she keeps in contact with other people we know and as childish as it sounds I do feel left out

 

I have tried not to be bothered but the truth is I am. We do go to certain things where we will cross paths soon and I feel awkward.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I do agree that friendships can change for no obvious reason but the unknown reason behind this is obviously bothering you a lot so maybe a friendly text saying you miss the contact you used to have and wonder if you've inadvertently done something to upset her might elicit a response?

 

If she doesn't respond, then you might just have to let it go and concentrate on those friends who do want you in their lives. It'll be her loss.