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[Guest]

but did she have to work as well as bring up children?

 

I'd love to have children but can't have my own because of my condition and we can't adopt at the moment because of my health. We were looking into it before I became ill but we don't have the money now and TBH I don't think I could cope.

 

My friend has 2 boys, 1 and 4 years old, she works full time and looks after the house etc and I think she is a superwoman, I really admire how she seems to cope.

 

My 1 year old niece has just been for a visit, she was only here half an hour and I'm exhausted!

 

I am in awe of people like you!

 

That wasn't all there when I replied!

 

You would cope perfectly well I am sure. You haven't taken into account the huge bond there is between mother and child. The love and responsibility parents feel gives you/us the strength to keep going. I don't mean that you would be miraculously cured - and indeed you may need help and support - but you would still be a good mother and you would find a way of coping.

[Jules.]

When I had Alexander I went back to work full time when he was 8 months old.

I said it then & I say it now that working full time is a load easier than being a parent. At least paid work is only 35 hours or so a week- parenting is 24 hours a day with no time off for sickness.

 

I sometimes sit & look at my children in amazement & wonder how on earth they got here, & how big they are now

 

My MIL died in 2000, & the relationship with your mum & MIL is completely different. You can tell your mum what to do with your children without worrying that you will offend her, not so with a MIL- although I think that my MIL was perhaps worried about treading on MY toes.

 

Gina you are doing a great job- you are working, have a toddler & are expecting again. Just tell yourself that you love your son, no one can love him as much as you do, & because you love him you will discipline him & instruct him because that is one of the ways of showing him how much you care for him- just as much as feeding or clothing him does.

 

Don't let your MIL's comments linger in your mind- she's said her piece now.

 

I wonder what kind of MIL I will end up being?

[Guest]

You would cope perfectly well I am sure. You haven't taken into account the huge bond there is between mother and child. The love and responsibility parents feel gives you/us the strength to keep going. I don't mean that you would be miraculously cured - and indeed you may need help and support - but you would still be a good mother and you would find a way of coping. [/color]

 

i think, because of my medical history, that we might get turned down for adoption and i couldn't put us thru that, only to be told no.

[Tessa the Duchess]

I wonder what kind of MIL I will end up being?

 

I frequently disapprove of what both my son's g.fs are doing but I keep my mouth firmly closed at all times Happily, on the surface, I am very good friends with both of them

 

Tessa

[Tiggy]

I think anyone who brings up children deserves a medal & lots of hugs. Although i dont have children of my own my OH & I got together when his 2 were tiny, although i will never be mom I have such a great relationship with them & really have not missed out. I got the love & hugs & tears, & the tantrums & the 'have you got any money?' I stay awake at night when our 19 year old is out & cannot watch 16yr old play rugby. They both get me mothers day cards & call me mom (usually when threy are trying to get round me)

 

Like you poet i was unable to have babies due to health problems & it is hard but it is not the end of the world.

[Egluntyne]

mine does not come around any more now that I am too old to have any children of my own - she says there is no point in visiting me, if there are no real grandchildren to see. which means my poor sisters get all the flack. I dread to think what she would have been like if any of us had been boys the MIL from hell I thinK.

 

Its not just MIL that can be spiteful

 

Oh dear I'm ranting maybe a spot of counselling is in order

 

Oh Anne...I felt so sad reading this. What a selfish and thoughtless woman she must be.

 

Gina's situation is very much par for the course I'm afraid, but yours is heartbreaking.

[Tiggy]

Oh dear I feel that I've taken over Ginas thread, but here goes

my mother had a terrible upbringing & never learned how to be a mother herself. When I was small I remember her trying so hard but always loosing her temper & lashing out at any of us that got in the way. As the years went on I realised that she has a personality disorder & so does not respond in the way we would consider normal. She is now in her 60s & has finally got what she wants, 3 of her 4 daughters no longer have contact with her - I feel very sad that a mother should behave this way. So to all of you on this forum who feel that you are struggling with motherhood just sit back & take stock, ALL OF YOU ARE BRILLIANT in the eyes of your children & don't let anyone try to tell you any different

[Yorkshire Pudding]

Anne's story is so sad, but her last sentence really strikes a chord. Your kids will love you WHATEVER.

 

My (wonderful) mum, after the arrival of our first, told me 'you don't have to be perfect. He'll love you just as much if the house is a mess and your hair hasn't been washed, you know.' This, when my new baby was 3 days old and the crying hormones were at their peak, was music to my ears. She reminded me of it when the 2nd arrived and I was trying to work out how to do my best for two with very different needs. Eight years on she is a fantastic Granny to both my boys, careful never to tread on our toes but asks our opinions on everything she and my Dad do with them.

 

MIL is a different kettle of fish . I love her but I cannot say I understand her at all. We have never fallen out and I hope never will, but I know she disagrees with some of our choices in raising our boys.

 

I agree that there is no harder job in the world. Your MIL was tactless and insensitive IMHO.

[Couperwife]

I sorry to say this, but WHAT A COW (hope I dont get modded )

 

you are working hard and trying to bring up your children as best you can.

 

and you are also being a chicken mummy

 

you are allowed to feel tired / stressed / willing to murder someone with a butterknife / willing to walk away and live in a hippy commune on the south of france / willing to sell your chidren to the highest bidder (deleta as applicable) whenever you want to - I sometimes feel like this and I dont have my own children, just the little angels at school

 

(((((hugs)))))

 

cathy

x

[Egluntyne]

I sorry to say this, but WHAT A COW (hope I dont get modded )

 

you are working hard and trying to bring up your children as best you can.

 

and you are also being a chicken mummy

 

you are allowed to feel tired / stressed / willing to murder someone with a butterknife / willing to walk away and live in a hippy commune on the south of france / willing to sell your chidren to the highest bidder (deleta as applicable) whenever you want to - I sometimes feel like this and I dont have my own children, just the little angels at school

 

(((((hugs)))))

 

cathy

x

 

I was one modded for saying cow!

[CatsCube]

I must admit that I dont find it hard with my two and Im contemplating number 3 right now, which would mean 3 kids under the age 4.

 

But and I say BUT. I think a lot of factors go into this being fine for me. One I do not work full time too. And also I have been very lucky in having very laid back well behaved boys who make my life very easy. I have never understood when people say how they never get to have a cooked meal, or are up all the night with their kids as neither has happened to me. I also think a lot of people worry more than they need to about things that dont matter. People who want spotless homes, and are always worried about things that dont matter instead of just enjoying the simple things and that you cant protect your child from everything. I think a lot of mums put too much pressure on themselves and juggle a hell of a lot and it runs them down, when really you need to not expect to much from yourself, not worry about the things you cant change and remember no one has the answers and everyone has differt worries and problems and we all just muddle our way through. So make sure you give yourself the odd break from it all and have some you time to recharge every once in a while.

[Popcorn]

Anne - I was really sad to read your post. It actually rang a few bells with me, as my MIL had a terrible up bringing. A violent mother, who threw her out at 16. She had a tough up bringing, "Ooops, word censored!"ody there to offer support, guidance or even the occasional cuddle. Her father died of cancer when she was very young too.

 

I generally have a very good relationship with her, and she is brilliant with Stefan. We see at lot of each other. She just has a problem empathising, which I can only attribute to her own upbringing.

 

I was also told a few times on that particular day how dull my hair looks and how bad my skin is. I don't get it? I wouldn't say anything like that, even if I thought it. Especially to someone who is obviously feeling a little down.

 

I love being a mummy and can't wait to meet baby no.2. Ginette, I think you are right on the discipline issue. I never give up on Stefan, ever. It's good for him to have a 'ceiling' and to know where he stands. I think I am just tired as he's feeling his feet more now and it being a constant all day long. Being pregnant is also adding hormonal ups and down into the mix.

 

He is a really good little boy on the whole. Has a great routine, sleeps through the night, and is a lovely,placid little boy normally. Just the past few weeks he's been so much more demanding and is crying ALL the time. I'm just not used to it, and don't know if it's something I've done or not done?

 

The crying he's done today has left me drained and in tears this evening. Ontop of this I feel I cannot speak to my MIL about how I am feeling becasue of what she said. She should be the first port of call, having child minded for 30 years.

 

I am hoping this is a phase, and it will pass. I'm also sure things will be very different when I'm not pregnant any longer.

 

Feel so much better for reading all of your replies. Thank you. It's good to know I am not the only one who thinks what a hard job this is. I'm still a fairly new, first time mummy, and par for the course or not, both Stefan and I are still learning and that includes how to deal with unwanted, insensitive comments when I'm at my most tired and most low. Thanks again all. It's always good to hear positives. Puts thing back into perspective.

[Egluntyne]

He is a really good little boy on the whole. Has a great routine, sleeps through the night, and is a lovely,placid little boy normally. Just the past few weeks he's been so much more demanding and is crying ALL the time. I'm just not used to it, and don't know if it's something I've done or not done?

 

He sounds a perfectly normal toddler Gina.

 

Focus on the first part of the above paragraph.....which is full of positives.

 

He is more demanding because he is making the transition from being a baby to being a little boy who will want to explore and touch and climb and will not be too pleased to be told "no" or be restrained. It is a phase....they come out of it when they are 16. Just kidding.

 

Just a thought...is he cutting his back teeth? That can make them quite fractious and he is the right sort of age.

[The Dogmother]

Egluntine's right - they get very frustrated at that age by their physical limitations and can get rather grumpy.

 

I once nannied on and off for three little boys who were very close in age - they were all along the mould of Snowy's two - inquisitive and into everything. Very demanding, but enormous fun and VERY character building (for me, not them)

 

Contrary to what people say, it doesn't get any easier as they get older; the concerns and issues just change focus.

[Egluntyne]

Contrary to what people say, it doesn't get any easier as they get older; the concerns and issues just change focus.

 

You can say that again!!

 

With k"Ooops, word censored!"s on!!

[The Dogmother]

Well, it's true isn't it? The things you were concerned about when they were, say, 4 years old, wouldn't even raise a wrinkle now. Other stiff becomes more of a concern, like peer pressure, puberty, homework.... mugging grannies (just kidding there )

 

Snowy would be a good person to ask about this - her family spans a good few years.

[Egluntyne]

I'd rather have a screaming baby than a stroppy teenager any day of the week.

 

At least with the screaming baby you know where it is!

 

What a friend of mine is going through at the mo with her son who has transmogrified (sp?) overnight from a lovely lad to the teenager from hades doesn't bear thinking about.

 

As she has said...she'd rather have the terrible two's any day!

 

 

The joys of motherhood.

[The Dogmother]

I'd rather have a screaming baby than a stroppy teenager any day of the week.

 

At least with the screaming baby you know where it is!

 

What a friend of mine is going through at the mo with her son who has transmogrified (sp?) overnight from a lovely lad to the teenager from hades doesn't bear thinking about.

 

As she has said...she'd rather have the terrible two's any day!

 

 

The joys of motherhood.

 

Me too Egluntine - Rosie is starting to get the strops occasionally now - it seems to be cyclical, so she's obviously revving up for puberty. shocked her tonight when she was taking ages to get in the shower - I offered to send Phil up to gether undressed and in the bathroom - it was worth it for the sound of her shooting into the shower and the look of terror on Phil's face

 

I don't mind crying babies too much - I was cuddling one the other day when we went for a drink with Phil's brother - the poor mum and dad were trying to eat and it was wailing - I took it outside for them and walked it up and down - it was just too hot really. I love babies, me

Edited February 8, 2008 by Guest

[Popcorn]

I'd rather have a screaming baby than a stroppy teenager any day of the week.

 

At least with the screaming baby you know where it is!

 

You can say that again. With k"Ooops, word censored!"s on!!

 

It's a lifetime of learning isn't it.

[Guest]

I think that's what I was getting at! The worst a baby can do is scream. A toddler might run away, but they can't and wouldn't go very far. Children can be hard work but there are lots of reasoning tricks you can use to get them to see sense. Teenagers, especially the older ones, want to run their own lives and the choices they make can be awful. It is very difficult then to know when to try to stop them and when to leasve them to it - and all of it is so distressing because it is out of your control, but you don't really want them to know that yet!

[Yorkshire Pudding]

Me too Clare - I can put up with any amount of wailing babies as long as they belong to someone else.

 

They're gorgeous, tiny and soft and they smell delicious. Friends are obligingly keeping me supplied with babies to cuddle and soothe, and then GIVE BACK!

 

Two of my own was all I ever wanted. As soon as YS arrived, all broodiness vanished and has never returned. Quite liberating really!

[Popcorn]

I think that's what I was getting at! The worst a baby can do is scream. A toddler might run away, but they can't and wouldn't go very far. Children can be hard work but there are lots of reasoning tricks you can use to get them to see sense. Teenagers, especially the older ones, want to run their own lives and the choices they make can be awful. It is very difficult then to know when to try to stop them and when to leasve them to it - and all of it is so distressing because it is out of your control, but you don't really want them to know that yet!

 

Your children are lovely Ginette, and you have an obvious close relationship with them. They're your friend too. I'll be chuffed if Stefan turns out like that.

[bronze]

Its interesting what youre sayin about toddlers over teens. I always read bits like I'm a new mum don't know what I'm doing and think I have three children one whos almost 5 but I'm a new mum too. I've never had a child whos 5 before this is all a new experience for me and even with my second I might have had a 3 year old before but not one like this one, its all new to me too.

I'm actually lucky in that I was the first of my peers to have a baby and I never read any parenting books so have gone into it completely by gut and I think thats the only way you can do it. Plus if you're not sure... ask then you'll get 10 different answers and realise that one suits you and you'll be back to going with your gut again anyway.

As for mils I'm afraid I have no advice. I'm completely different to mine but shes fabulous. Its work but worth it especially as I sometimes feel very lonely with my own mum in a different country and not accessible by phone.

Edited February 8, 2008 by Guest

[The Dogmother]

A toddler might run away, but they can't and wouldn't go very far.

 

Especially not with a rope around it's neck!

[bronze]

I. A toddler might run away, but they can't and wouldn't go very far.

 

wouldnt they? Blimey you havent met my kids. I always worry about my kids being terribly behaved compared to other peoples etc etc but other people tell me theyre lovely (if a little spirited- better than dull) Its what makes life with children interesting.