Ziggy Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Hi all I wrote all this two evenings ago, but then must have closed the screen instead of posting my thread, as I can't find it anywhere... well I guess I was half asleep then.... I live in Oxford with my four kids, aged 10 down to 1, via 8 and 5, and I have had a request from a family in Belgium, where I grew up, to take on their 18 year old daughter for a month in August. She has just finished senior school, and would like to spend a month in the UK with a family, to strengthen her english... While I think it's a lovely idea, I also have some reservations. I know we could provide a friendly and safe environment for this girl (I don't know her, but she is my mum's cats' vet's daughter, not trying to make things sound complicated ), but my worries are : - August is basically my girls' summer holiday from school, and a time for us to laze in the garden and so on... how would my girls feel having a stranger in the house for practically the whole length of their holiday? I could ask them, but in my opinion what a kid thinks and what they actually feel like and behave like when things happen can be two very different things - If this girl is happy and comfortable lounging around with us, and not too shy or too 'high maintenance', it might all work beautifully... but if she gets bored or homesick, how do I take care of her? I can handle any child from baby to about 12, but I've never had to deal with an 18 year old... how would I make sure she has fun? I worry that I would say yes, then find that after a few days this poor girl decides that being with four little kids is not her idea of heaven after all, and then spend the whole summer holiday with someone in the house who would rather not be there, and with us feeling we'd rather not have her there either... I just don't know what to decide... if it had been for one or two weeks I wouldn't hesitate, but a whole month seems like a long commitment to make to a total stranger, yet I don't want to be unkind and say no, as I'm sure that in the right circumstances it could be a really lovely experience... oh what to do....??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessa the Duchess Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Difficult one. An 18yr old girl is also a woman who can legally go into pubs, clubs etc. She would probably not be that fascinated in spending a whole month hanging out with four younger children and would want to explore the shops and nightlife of Oxford, in which case it might turn out to be a huge worry for you. Alternatively she might be a homebody and be a big help for you entertaining your four. I think I would try and ascertain what she expected from her stay, what kind of things she enjoyed doing, how independent she is, can she drive? how good is her English? As you say, a month is a long time to spend with a stranger if things don't go well. Good luck with this Tessa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scary Mary Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Difficult to know what to do, is there any way you could issue a carefully worded invitation to spend a weekend with you, say at Easter or whitsun, Something along the lines of you don't know what you will be doing in the summer yet, but come and see what family life is like here in the UK. After that, you would be better placed to gauge whether you could live with her for a month. Don't feel you have to invite her for the whole month you could always offer to have her to stay for just a week or two, as a month is a very long time if you don't all slip into an easy relationship. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Excellent idea Scary Mary. it is always a gamble having strangers in your home....and a gamble for them too I dare say....that way you can dip your toe in as it were, without having to commit yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flo Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Hi I have a slightly different perspective - when I was 19 I had an offer to go and stay with friends of my parents and their two kids in San Francisco for 2 months. I had only met the parents when I was 3 so it was a bit scary going to stay with them but exciting at the same time. The set up was that I would look after the kids during the day, going on day trips etc. then we would all do things together at the weekend. I had time to myself to go and do some exploring, but I basically mucked in with the family. It is always going to be a gamble as to whether or not you will get on, so I would have a good discussion about what she wants to get out of it, what she expects it to be like to see if that matches what it will be like staying with you. And I think the suggestion of having her to stay for a weekend is a great idea for you both to check that a whole month would work! With regards to how your kids will take it, again could go either way. We always had strangers in the house when I was growing up (we rented our spare room to actors at the local theatre) and it was always quite good fun. I am still in touch with the famliy I stayed with in America and 7 years on Ben (who has ADHD) still refers to me as his English nanny so it was a great experience for them. Hope that helps Flo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks everyone... I was having major guilt about not enthusiastically saying yes straightaway, but from the replies here it seems my worries are understandable. Flo, some of my friends when I was 19 did the same thing, going to stay with families in the states, and all had happy and fond memories of those times, so if I do take this girl (I'll have to ask her name, can't keep thinking of her as the vet's daughter) I want to make sure I can give her a similar happy time. The thing is that I am home full time, so she and I would pretty much be together the whole month, it's not like she'd look after the kids while I'm out then get time off... obviously she could take as much time on her own as she wanted, but I'm always in the house, so we'd be pretty much in each other's hair all the time... we could end up great friends, or totally aggravated with each other... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cate in NZ Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 It's a difficult one, and I can see both perspectives, so much depends on her personality and what she wants to get out of it. I think you really need to have a long discussion with her about what you both want out of this arrangement. Slightly different but when the children were little we used to employ au pairs because I only worked part time, but on a shift system which meant that nurseries and chilminders who only had set days to offer were impossible for us. The flexibility of an au pair living in really worked for us, and with my short working hours we were able to let them have loads of free time. All the au pairs were young women, the youngest was 17 when she arrived, the eldest was 22, and whilst they were great most of the time one of them (an 18 year old Austrian) gave me nightmares . She was lovely, but she'd disappear on a friday evening, reappear on a monday morning, I had no idea where she was, except "London"......she didn't get it when I asked for more info, I kept imagining her dead under a bus, raped, murdered or worse. She came from a very quiet village ad was so incredibly unstreetwise it wasn't true. I felt very responsible for her, even though I know I wasn't really, and I heaved a great sigh of relief when she went back home. I also found it quite hard sharing my home with another woman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I think you'd have to set some ground rules about going out on her own, helping around the house etc. - this is not a paying guest. However, I would assume that because she wants to come and spend a month in the UK, and presumably improve her English, she will have the right attitude to begin with. You might hate her after a month ... or you might have a friend for life! I think your children could get a lot out of it - it's a chance for them to explain things about themselves, their school, living in England etc. and it will give them a different perspective. Presumably you will take her out to see local places of interest, and you may find you go to places you wouldn't bother with otherwise, or haven't been for a while. A weekend visit is a good idea, and you should perhaps spell out very clearly that you're a family with young children, so life with you will revolve around them and their needs. I think you're right to be cautious, but this could turn out to be a really good thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachel19 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 When I was a lot younger (7-9ish) we used to have foreign students staying with us over the summer usually - i really hated it, but then again i am an only child and wasn't used to sharing my house with other people except my parents. If she's only with you for a month and you and her find it too much she can always go home early - tisn't that far away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I once provided accommodation for a friend's teenage daughter while she 'established' herself in Oxford. It was fine for a while, she paid for her keep and helped out too, but it extended into 3 months and my hospitality was wearing thin and I was fed up with having to put clothes on to go to the bathroom in the night. It became obvious that the little monkey was taking advantage, so I had a chat and helped her find somewhere else to live. Luckily, a friend in Oxford was a property manager You need to establish ground rules before they start; I found that helped immensely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodge Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Hi Ziggy, With 4 small children at home, I can imagine that you are going to have a very busy schedule There has been some very sound advice offered here already, but I would like to play devil's advocate and add some important points for you to consider. As an adult this girl will be able to go to the pub and maybe come home the worse for wear. And if she is a smoker, you could end up with her having crafty fags around the house or in the garden etc. She could be after a holiday romance and may have boys hanging around or constantly calling round for her, and could be out to all hours of the night as a result. She will have to have a key to the front door, and may well try to smuggle in a boy or two. She could run up a huge telephone bill phoning all her friends and family up. She may be bone idle, and her parents are desperate to get rid of her for a month, so they can have a rest Look I know I have just painted a terrible picture for you to imagine, and truth be known this girl is probably really the most wonderful person you could wish to meet, but I doubt if I would even have a relative to stay with me and my family for a whole month. I would very carefully consider all the facts before saying yes. Good luck and I hope I am proven wrong if you should go ahead with it. Dodge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 my biggest worry would be the responsibility for the girls' safety. I know that she is basicly an adult but it may be quite difficult to know where she is and who with if you wants to explore which she probab;y will especially away from the confines of family and home Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfamily Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I think the asking her to stay for a weekend first is a good idea - it's a big commitment to agree to having her stay for a month when you don't really know her. It could be great and for the main part of the summer hols you've got an extra pair of hands or it could be a nightmare and you end up finding you've got another 'child' to sort out. I wish there was an easy answer to give you. There are equal amounts of pros and cons.........think on it a bit more, find out more about her and what her and her parents are expecting from this trip, what are they expecting you to be responsible for and how answerable to you is she Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missuscluck Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 you are right not to jump in with an enthusiastic yes. There is a lot to consider. A whole month is a long time. My familly are German hence we have a lot of German relatives, who to be honest I dont know and those I do know, I dont know very well. We had my cousins daughter here for two weeks which went Ok for us as she is the same age as my step daughter so she had someone to hang about with. But really, 2 weeks was just about right. We had my cousin and her boyfriend stay at my mums whilst I was still at home and she was a right pain and her boyfriend much worse. We were 17 at the time, and she stayed for 3 weeks. My mum had trouble with knowing what to do with her as her parents (my mums brother and his wife) were reasonably strict and she saw it as an oportunity to go a bit wild. My mum was really cheesed off by the time we put them back on the plane. I had also had enough of her. I would be very wary of the whole thing and if you could get to know her first and see if it would work out that would be a very good idea. Also just to be mercanary for a minute, watch out for the financial implications. Our last guest came with no money for up keep or trips out. If you have a guest you will find that they will want to go on visits etc that maybe you wouldnt normally go on. For example we did Alton Towers and the Zoo at a cost of £100 or more a time for 4 kids and two adults. Plus bowling, cinema, meals etc. etc. As you can imagine it soon racks up to a hefty sum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyBoo Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Hi there, we take in children each year from the Cher"Ooops, word censored!"yl Childrens Lifeline - they come for a month at a time. My kids are now 7,5 and 2 and the girls that come are 10-13 years old. I know its not the same but we've loved it every time. It's a fantastic way for the children to realise that life is bigger than the town they live in, they get to try the language, try the food. There are also plenty of things you can do that don't cost the eath, I don't know where you live but trips to the sea, picnics, we took our girls camping which they'd never done before. I realise that this girl is older, have you got another family friend or relative here with a daughter the same age who she could meet up with for some evening outings, cinema, clubs etc? just ask her parents what she expects to do whilst she's here, apart from the language thing, is she a clubbing party chick or is she happier hanging out with her mates round the house? It's not a million miles if you have a personality clash, she could always go home. Or if not, say you can only havae her for a fortnight, a month does take up most of the hols. Good luck deciding, could be an exciting summer! Mrs B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 All the thoughts here really are summarising my thoughts pretty well... and adding a few worries on top The possibility of meeting the girl beforehand then deciding is a bit too delicate, cause her dad has been the family vet for my mum's pets for so many years he's really a family friend now... I used to hold our guinea pig for him while he performed minor surgery on him, and he used to joke I was really good and he'd hire me as an assistant any time... we never met his family though and don't know him much outside of his 'vet' role and chatting with a beer whenever he visits home (in Brussels vets tend to visit homes a lot, rather than people bringing their pets to the vet's surgery)... so my worries is, how could I possibly arrange to meet the girl, then if I'm still worried say 'no, sorry, can't take her?'... it'd be offending for her family and create tension with my mum and dad too... The more I think about it, the more I feel like offering two weeks... tell them sorry can't make a whole month, but two weeks is fine... cause to be honest two weeks is not so long and in that time I can handle anything... and it leaves some time for myself and my family to have days on our own, or for relatives to come and visit (if this girl is here, no one else can visit as we only have one guest room, and august is a popular time for relatives to want to pop in for a weekend)... I'm hoping that in that way, I would be able to not feel bad about turning her down, and also not stress about how to manage to handle things for a month, and still give her a nice time. I can't be sure as I don't know her, but as her dad is known by my mum and dad, I doubt her dad would unleash her on me and my kids if she was a wild, unsafe or impossible person to deal with... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Turning it around Ziggy; perhaps her parents are as concerned about the unknowns as you are, and would welcome a shorter stay, or a 'fact finding' weekend. Can you ask questions of friends etc over there? And gain a bit more information about her. With a family of young 'uns and OH away a lot, you have the perfect reason for not being able to have her for a full month. Oxford is full of foreign language students during the summer (as I'm sure you know), she will probably make lots of friends in her time with you and not be a bother at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...