baby bears mum Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. It's much harder to look after elderly parents than young children. I'm all for being a bit sneaky ( ) if it means it keeps your Mum happy - I find it has worked for me with mine in the past. It's not a nice thing to do but needs must I'm afraid. I hope things go ok for you tomorrow. Sending you all warm thoughts and big hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Well at least they have found the UTI. Elderly people can very quickly become confused and ill when they have one....and the lack of care on the ward re eating and in particular drinking, won't have helped. He will probably perk up with antibiotics. All the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fur 'n' Feathers Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Good to hear they've found a cause. Hope the other tests go well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenlass Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Well at least they have found the UTI. Elderly people can very quickly become confused and ill when they have one..... Yes I have heard that it can cause confusion etc too. I'm so pleased that you at have some further information at least. Now the ball is rolling I hope they can make a full diagnosis very soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Agree absolutely, they can cause confusion - he should be a lot better once the antibiotics take effect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 How's your Dad doing ANH? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted March 6, 2008 Author Share Posted March 6, 2008 Thanks for asking . Mum and I visited today. On the way she said she finds it "excrutiatingly embarrassing" talking about dad's health problems "down below" especially if I'm present. She asked if I'd be happy for my son to hear his dad's ailments being discussed. (I wouldn't be bothered and neither would they, TBH ). Anyway, treading on eggshells as usual, I asked if she wanted me to come in with her to speak to the consultant (she had an appointment). "No, you stay with dad." She didn't say much about it afterwards, just that he is likely to be in hospital for a few weeks and that he is unlikely to be able to come home again (as she wouldn't be up to providing the care). When I mentioned the UTI clearing up, she said there were lots of other problems but wouldn't elaborate . (She has a history of exaggeration so I'm not sure what's true and what's not.) She saw her doctor this morning who had talked about a nursing home quite near us which is apparently very good. She sounded quite enthusiastic about that. Dad was looking a bit brighter and was sitting up but still doesn't really speak unless spoken to and then only with a few words which usually prove he's not really heard or understood what's been said. I would really like the chance to speak to the consultant myself to find out the real story but mum would be apoplectic with rage if she found out . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 oh dear, what a terrible situation for you to be in! I'd have a quiet word with the consultant if you possibly can and explain about your mum. Hopefully they'll be sympathetic, I'm sure they've come across this scenario before. Lots of love, let us know how things go. Thinking of you. xxxxxxxxxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 Really difficult for you. I am so sorry. You can't provide the support you would like to if you don't know what is going on. I'd have a word with the consultant....and explain that your Mum isn't to find out that you know.....just yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 I agree - talk to the consultant, he or she will understand if you say that your mum is finding it difficult to discuss with you. You have a right to know, and your mum is going to need your help over the next few weeks - whether she admits it or not! Hope your dad continues to improve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 Mum phoned early this morning in a right state (she hasn't slept). She's ranting about "three weeks of tests" (she says they're going to "experiment" on dad), says the consultant said he'll be dead within a year, couldn't understand why he asked if dad should be resusitated if he has a heart attack ("why does he think he's going to have a heart attack?"), is talking about getting out of it altogether herself (not a new topic of discussion ), constantly talking about the "medical centre" he can go to - it's not, it's a nursing home but she won't listen. She admitted she got in a rage with the consultant because he asked if there were many stairs in her flat ("he thinks I come from a council estate slum") and because he "made snide remarks". Poor guy , he must've wondered what he'd got himself into . Sorry I'm ranting too but I just don't know where to go next. I've phoned the hospital and arranged for the consultant to call me but I've got to be careful that she doesn't know. Although I'll have to admit it if I've got any chance of persuading her she's got it wrong. She also insists my brother has spoken to the consultant - he hasn't, it was the GP who doesn't know much more. And she doesn't work Fri-Tues so we can't speak to her anyway. I'm off to phone mum now - I may be some time . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Oh dear ANH.....it sounds as if your mum is a bit overwhelmed by it all and getting a little confused about the details. The consultant will realise how the land lies after his talk with your mother, and I am sure he will be happy to discuss your father's case with you. All the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Good luck Lovie; sounds like you need it. As the others have said, talking to the consultant sounds like the best course os action, especially if he's not getting far with your mum. Fingers crossed for you. CXX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Firstly, sending you tons of hugs & virtual support, and a fresh teapot. You'll need it! From outside the situation here I'm finding the Mother part very familiar. I think the standard form filling questions may have set her off here, especially when she must be worried sick inside already. Whereas I answer standard hospital questions in a routine, matter of fact way, some people are really bothered by the detail of each & every one, as if it were an unwarrented personal investigation. The questions can be a bizarre mix of the obviously relevant, to the surreal, and once an odd one has been asked I have seen how it can make someone get in a state and dwell, and not sleep, because of them all. My parents had never been apart in 60 years of marriage, so my Mother found questions such as "do you live together" made the whole session very peculiar. Whereas most people would just give yes, no, tick, cross, to the form filling, each one seems to have a deep meaning to some people. So, once your Mother had been asked even one question that made her think "what are they implying?" she must have felt increasingly agitated by all the others. When it's down to "do we resusitate?" it's incredibly stressful. It needs asking, but it sounds loaded. Added to which, your Father is very ill. It's very hard separating what needs addressing first with your Mother isn't it? I know it can be very easy to miss when my Mother is trying to tell me about what I'd call a real concern because, for my own sanity, I have to switch off to most of the negativity. So, I do wish you all the strength you'll need to be positive & coping one. Plus, an extra hug for you having your Father so ill, yet having to be the strong one. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggy Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 ooh how difficult, my mom can behave like this too, the situation sounds familiar , I hope Dad settles soon & mom is happier. sending lots of love to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joojoo Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I don't really have any advice for you I'm sorry - what a nightmare you are going through!!!! The only thing I can say is that I'm thinking of you and sincerely hope that everything gets sorted out soon. It must be so difficult dealing with your Mum when she is behaving like that - try not to take it personally. I know parents can be very difficult sometimes in how they deal with "stuff". I've had a few run ins with Dad lately over really stupid things - he keeps self diagnosing and messing about with his prescribed medication - but I just can't get through to him. Lots of love & best of luck x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Gosh, big hugs - I should think the Consultant will be delighted to talk to someone who can discuss it rationally without getting into a rage. I'm not dismissing your mum's concerns, she must be worried sick and obviously finds these things hard to deal with, but her approach isn't going to help. Your comment yesterday about her not liking to discuss things 'down there' made me - it's a common attitude, but she is going to have to get over that! As Sheila says, try and switch off the negativity, it sounds like you will have to do a lot of game-playing with your mother, but then you have probably been doing that for most of your adult life, from what you say. Do let us know how you get on, and feel free to rant on here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenlass Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Gosh what a difficult time you are having. I agree with the others in that you yourself would be better speaking to the consultant. Sounds as if Mum is confused and stressed herself and so not able to take on board what is being said. I hope you an get some progress soon and that Dad settles in the care home . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 The consultant phoned and we had a long talk. As I thought, she's made most of it up. He didn't really tell me any more than we'd been told already but at least he now knows what she's like. The difficulty now will be convincing her she's talking rubbish without letting on I've spoken to him . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenlass Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Good that you have had a conversation with the consultant yourself... you know if I were you, I'm not so sure I would even bother just yet trying to convince Mum she has got it wrong......I think I would wait and see what is said next by the consultant ...why get yourself even more stressed at the moment than you must already be having an argument with Mum. SEnding a huge hug your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 I'm just off to take mum to the hospital (after taking dog to vet for annual vaccination ) and had it all planned that I was going to tell her I'd spoken to the consultant. .... "worried about you", "not trying to undermine you", "thought I could help if I had the info firsthand" etc, etc. (those eggshells again ) Luckily I just checked in here (can't go anywhere without a quick update ) and I think you're right Chickenlass. I'll keep schtum for just now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theherd123 Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 You are in such a difficult situation and i dont envy you at all Sending lots of love and hugs your way and dont forget to take some time out for yourself even if its just sat with a brew & the chooks for 10 mins. Thinking of you xox Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baby bears mum Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Sending you huge hugs - you are having such a horrible time. I agree that you maybe shouldn't tell your Mum yet. If the consultant phoned you that gives a really good indication that they can see the problems you are having. I think you are going to have to be a bit sneaky (which sounds horrible but I think it's going to be necessary). I don't really know what else to say - I really feel for you. I hope you are taking care of yourself too. Hope things start to improve for you. Huge huge hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 all this must be exhausting. It's bad enough having your dad ill in the first place without having to go all cloak and dagger to find out how he is Hope he's on the mend and the hospital can tell you more soon xxxxxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenlass Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I'm just off to take mum to the hospital (after taking dog to vet for annual vaccination ) and had it all planned that I was going to tell her I'd spoken to the consultant. .... "worried about you", "not trying to undermine you", "thought I could help if I had the info firsthand" etc, etc. (those eggshells again ) Luckily I just checked in here (can't go anywhere without a quick update ) and I think you're right Chickenlass. I'll keep schtum for just now. You know your Mum best so do what you think will be the best thing...I do think personally that a little white lie in certain circumstances can save a lot of grief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
