Home made run and house for sale

[Guest]

i'm sorry for getting excited about our camper van vicki, when you're going thru this but it's the only way i can deal with what's happening with my dad. Stupid isn't it but I want to make the most of life and we've always wanted one and i've had a wake up call if you know what i mean

 

still thinking about you and hoping you're coping, we all cope in different ways eh?

 

lots of love

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[theherd123]

ANH - have you looked into supported housing as this may be a more suitable option?

 

I only know about supported housing for young people as i work with them but im aware it is also available for older folks too and it may mean your mum & dad can stay together.

 

Do hope this horrible nightmare you are living comes to and end soon, lots of love & hugs xoxox

[Guest]

I don't know if it would be appropriate, but we have an 'estate' near us run by BUPA. It's sheltered housing but all sorts of services are available in addition to the housing as well as a free bus service into town, gardening and social events. It seems a really nice community.

 

Splitting elderly couples up because of their individual needs seems quite outrageous to me and is something I would shout loudly about. It just isn't on. If your parents have been together for 55 years, separating them could be devastating to either or both of them. I really hope you can find somewhere which will cater for both their needs.

[Egluntyne]

There will be psychiatric care available for you mum, enabling her to live at home ANH. A friend of mine is a psychiatric nurse who deals with people in their own homes and monitors their psychiatric state.

 

I realise things are different in Scotland, but there is bound to be something along those lines, and once your mum is on treatment, she might be more accepting of "outsiders" etc.

[Lovemychooks]

Hi Vicki

 

I'm glad things are getting better and hopefully the housing situation for both your mum and dad can get sorted.

 

Just wanted to give my support

[Ain't Nobody Here]

i'm sorry for getting excited about our camper van

Don't be daft, Poet, you're going through a hard time too and you're right, you need something to focus on to help you get through it. If it's always been your dream, you should go for it. It sounds really exciting .

 

Thanks, everyone, for your advice & comments. I agree it's best to try to keep them together. We just have to wait patiently until the doctors tell us what dad's long-term prospects and care requirements are.

 

Since I gave mum money to phone me, she's phoning a couple of times a day in a state about something or other. She's just phoned to say she needs to get out so she can sort the house out for dad. She can't accept that they won't discharge her just because she wants them to . She also can't understand why dad can't be allowed home. He really isn't well enough at present. Hopefully I'll see/speak to her consultant tomorrow.

 

She's now got it into her head that my brother is a bad lot (he's not ) and is cheating her somehow. It's hard to know what is nonsense and what is based on fact (maybe there's something I don't know ).

 

She's also told me to tell her only friend that she doesn't want her to visit any more. Not looking forward to that conversation (although Ann is lovely and, I'm sure, will understand).

[Scary Mary]

Hello ANH, hope you managed to get some moments of normality over the weekend - and lots of chocolate .

 

I just wanted to say don't worry too much about what your Mum says, her poor old brain is in a very fragile state.

 

When my Mum's brain was playing up we had the most surreal conversations with her - they would start quite normally, she would be lucid and on good form then she would glance down and catch a snippit from a newpaper story, or hear a snatch of someone else's conversation and then suddenly this would weave its way into her conversation and reality. It really was the most unsettling and bizzare aspect of her illness, especially as she was convinced it was true. My brother and I found this very distressing before we realised what was going on - although once the penny dropped it was almost a challenge to find where the latest story came from! (Black humour was our best defence--- )

 

I know all cases are different, but I do remember how convincing my Mum could be!

 

Do look after yourself though, the stress will be horrible, and fairly constant and combined with so much rushing around it is easy to forget about your own needs - so take time out and don't feel guilty.

 

Mary

[The Dogmother]

The care at home does sound the most reasonable, but can be full of pitfalls (but not necessarily). By way of explanation - I look after an old lady in my street; she's very frail and her family live hours away. She was discharged from hospital after being very poorly at Christmas, and won't entertain the idea of sheltered housing. Her son organised for NHS care assistants to go in and for meals to be delivered; the care assistants were rubbish - they turned up, signed the book and left. If they couldn't get an answer from the doorbell (she is VERY deaf) then they didn't keep trying! When I found out I called her son, and between us we have now arranged for a local lady to go in every day to help out with the housekeeping and generally be company.

 

I hope that you get it sorted ANH

[Lesley]

To add to what Clare has said - when my Gran left hospital we arranged a home care for morning and night times as even though she was in a granny annexe at our house, I was working full-time.

 

The carers were only allowed to do certain things - they could make a meal..... but they weren't to wash up My Gran was still capable of making something to eat but found the washing up and putting away was tiring.

 

The last straw was help at bedtime - she was quite independant and would rather have someone not related to help her with personal care, or i would have done it............the carers started coming earlier and earlier until she was made ready for bed at 5.30

 

We stopped it and took over the care ourselves - me and my two teenagers.

 

Just make sure exactly what home care they are offering.

[Olly]

Sadly I have to agree with some of the above - the carers we had could dust, but not move anything; they could put washing in the machine, and hang it on an airer, but were not allowed to iron. I know a lot of this is to protect them, but we found it very frustrating that they were doing so little, and then sometimes just didn't turn up - Dad was deaf, and couldn't phone us to let us know if "Ooops, word censored!"ody came.

 

We also found they were coming so early, that he refused to allow them to put him to bed - he enjoyed watching TV in the evening, and did not want to go to bed at 7.00. It can work, but I dread to think what happens to elderly people who don't have families to check up and provide additional support. Anyway - sorry, rant over - hope things continue to improve, ANH, and there are some very kind and dedicated carers out there.

 

I would possibly warn your mum's friend about what she's saying, but don't discourage her from visiting, as your mum may have changed her mind by then. Better she knows the position though in case your mum turns against her. I'm sure the accusations against your brother are unfounded, but unfortunately when someone repeats things so vehemently, you start to wonder, don't you! It's very important for family to stick together at a time like this, you will need to be united to deal with social services, doctor etc. so don't let her come between you.

 

Keep your spirits up, and let us know how you're getting on, and do look after yourself - this is a marathon, not a sprint, unfortunately.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks everyone.

 

I am a bit worried if we end up having to provide 24 (or even 3 x a day) care precisely because of the things you've mentioned. I suppose the fact that mum would be there would help a bit but not if they turn up to put him to bed at 5.30 . She would probably be more stressed by that than when she did it all by herself .

 

Mum was settling down, but yesterday convinced herself that she's never getting out, may as well "try again", will just stop eating & drinking, there's no hope, etc, etc.

 

Today, a doctor (the consultant's number 2) came to take blood and has cheered her up by saying the consultant's going to see her this week and we may be talking a week or two for discharge. She believed him (where she wouldn't listen to me ) so seems a bit happier.

[MedusA]

To my knowledge, carers are booked for time-slots and can arrive any time within that "slot". They obviously have several people to care for within that given time period so have to adjust the workload accordingly.

 

Whilst some carers are just going through the motions (and on the pittance they are paid, who can blame them?), I know of many who are golden and go way above the call of duty to provide excellent care.

 

As in anything, the range of competence and caring nature is vast! If you do go down the care at home route, you will need to be very vigilant (at least at first) to ensure that the care package runs the way you want and expect it to. If you are not happy, you can go back to Social Services to request they review/change things. You can (in England anyway) also apply for Direct Payments, so you can employ and pay carers of your own choosing. Not sure if it works the same way in Scotland, though.

 

I do hope it all works out for you and your family, ANH. *hugs*

[Louise]

I have a great woman who comes in to help with my mum in the mornings but it is a different story when she is off as the replacemets come at weird times often they don't show up usually saying they can't find the house but never phone to say that and my dad is hanging around wondering what the story is

 

You should be entitled to a fair amount of free personal care in the home for your parents but it will be dependant on what is available and you will have to get social workers to assess what is required first and then they have to see if they hav available carers which in our case took 4 weeks to sort And mum only gets a 30 minute visit on weekdays I have to do it at the weekend as I am fit and able where my dad isn't I don't mind obviously but it is just to make you aware how the system is they may assume you will do thinngs when you are off work

 

I wouldn't mind but I do work weekends as well sometimes

[Ain't Nobody Here]

The saga continues .

 

Mum's still in the Royal Ed, one day angry and nihilistic (& sometimes turning on me "it suits you that I'm in here", "you're telling the doctors I can't cope at home" ), the next day fairly contented and resigned and not bad company .

 

The consultant is going to try her on a new drug (once he's worked out if anything's actually wrong - TBH the above behaviour is much what she's always been like ) which she knows will take a week or so to have any effect. So she seems resigned to being there a bit longer. They move to a new ward next week so that may give her a new lease of life (or not, as she then has to share a ward ).

 

Dad is coming on in leaps and bounds (almost literally ). He's getting up by himself and shuffling along the corridors (with a zimmer which he has to be reminded to use ). Still at high risk of falling though, so not out of the woods yet. Mentally he's a lot brighter but still a bit muddled. Still needing "personal care" though (ie catheter) and now definitely has c. difficile so is in a single room. Doesn't seem to be bothering him though.

 

The OT is really pleased with his progress (can't believe how well he's come on ) so at the end of next week will assess if that's how far he's likely to get.

 

After we both visited dad (mum really perked up when she saw him) I took her to show her the most likely nursing home for dad, if it's required. She was very well behaved and polite but when we left she said no way was dad going in there - he's coming home, regardless of how much care he needs. We'd even talked about her going in for a week or so (the consultant said he might release her to there before letting her go home). No way, says she!

 

Anyway, the best news is, we're going away for a break tomorrow . Well, I say break, I'm being dragged up Ben Nevis (weather permitting) . We're staying in a caravan in Fort William for 3 nights (Sun-Tues). Mum (yesterday ) seemed quite happy for me to go, Dad I don't think really grasped it so hopefully won't notice .

 

So I'll be back, hobbling and wheezing, on Wednesday .

[missuscluck]

Blumin eck ANH.

Hope you enjoy your holiday. You deserve it.

[MedusA]

Well, despite your Mum's protestations, it looks as though things are ticking along a bit better, ANH. I'm so pleased your Dad is on the mend (in case you weren't aware, C.Diff is probably due to all the antibiotics he's had and should get better). It's great that he's more mobile.

 

Enjoy your break and I hope it recharges your batteries. I love hill-walking (mountains are a bit too ambitious for me, although I did "do" Snowdon a couple of years ago). We're off to Snowdonia next month for a 3-day camping and walking break.

[WitchHazel]

Hi ANH

 

I've just seen an advert for a company called COuntry Cousins. I have no idea if they are any good, but thought it might be worth looking at?

 

The ad says:

 

COuntry Cousins is a nationwide specialist in the introduction of live-in carers and companions to the elderly and those convalescing in their own home.

 

We can provide a unique service to match your exact requirements. So, whether you simply need companionship, assistance with daily tasks or support and help with personal care, Country COusins could provide the solution" www.country-cousins.co.uk

 

As I said, it was just an ad. But having two parents who need some form of looking after, I wondered if this might provide a viable option?

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I did "do" Snowdon a couple of years ago.

We "did" Snowdon years ago (before kids) and the next day I couldn't walk up the stairs or even sit on the loo, my thighs were so sore .

 

We did it again last year but went up a tricky route (with kids & dog). Lots of scrambling got us to nearly the top, where you then had to go along a knife-edged ridge to reach the summit. We could see people crawling along on their hands and knees . We turned back. The next week, that poor wee boy from Liverpool fell on that same ridge and died . We made the right decision.

 

Hope you have a good time (go up the proper path, won't you ).

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I've just seen an advert for a company called COuntry Cousins. I have no idea if they are any good, but thought it might be worth looking at?

Just cross-posted with you . Thanks for that - I'll definitely have a look .

[BeckyBoo]

Well I'm glad you're getting a break although it sounds a bit "brisk" Hope the weather is better for you there than it is here, otherwise I should shut yourself in the caravan, wrap up in a duvet with a hot chocolate and good book!

 

Mrs B - glad to hear things are still generally moving in an upward direction

[Olly]

So glad you're getting a weekend away - you need it! Hope you have a lovely time, and leave all your worries behind - they will still be there when you come back, sure enough, so take a holiday from them as well as from everything else.

 

Sounds as if there is some progress with your dad, anyway. Will keep thinking of you, let us know when there's some more news but I hope you come back feeling refreshed and recharged.

[Egluntyne]

You deserve your weekend away ANH. I hope you have a relaxing and enjoyable break.

 

Good to hear that "Dad" is improving.

[MedusA]

We "did" Snowdon years ago (before kids) and the next day I couldn't walk up the stairs or even sit on the loo, my thighs were so sore .

 

We did it again last year but went up a tricky route (with kids & dog). Lots of scrambling got us to nearly the top, where you then had to go along a knife-edged ridge to reach the summit. We could see people crawling along on their hands and knees .

 

That was the way we went! The "knife edge". It was scary! Once we got to the top it was so cloudy and cold but worth it. We came down the Snowdon Ranger route which zig-zags in a long but easy path. I couldn't walk for weeks, but it gave me a great sense of achievement.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Just updating the "blog" to keep myself posted .

 

Saw mum briefly on Sunday. She was horrible to me . Suppose I should be glad, presumably it meant she was annoyed that I was going away .

 

Had a lovely break away but my legs are so sore I am hobbling like an old woman . Had 2 "missed calls" from her as I had left the mobile in the car (oops ). Came home to 4 calls on my answering machine (so she'd forgotten I was away presumably ), one of which said she'd fallen and cut her head and needed 3 stitches . More of that later.

 

Went to see her within an hour of arriving home (on Wednesday) and she was a bit hyper ... never stopped talking (about herself and her situation) but at least she was pleasant enough to me. It felt like I was just useful to her in getting out of the hospital but wasn't of any interest to her. She asked very briefly about our break but then it was back to her. Turns out she fell in the bathroom and cut her head - had to be taken to one hospital for stitches then another for a brain scan .

 

She's convinced she's getting out - possibly even tomorrow . Spoke to staff who said there's a social worker referral being arranged, but that's all.

 

Took her to see dad. He's much the same but seems quite contented.

 

Took her back to the new ward they've all been moved to. Much brighter and cleaner with more space but she's in a shared ward now which she's not too happy about.

 

Long chat with BB this morning. He's spoken with the consultant who is keen for her to spend time at home during the day (with supervision) so she doesn't become institutionalised. This is hopefully a step closer to getting her home. She apparently has arrhythmia (sp?) which may be causing the odd behaviour so they're trying out a drug on her.

 

Saw her again today - she was quite cheerful now she sees light at the end of the tunnel. Took her up Arthur's Seat (hill with lovely views of Edinburgh) - lovely warm, sunny day so she really enjoyed that. Saw dad again. There's been a multi-disciplinary meeting about him so we've to arrange a meeting with the consultant to discuss that.

 

BB coming down on Saturday afternoon. I'm taking her home on Sat morning and he'll then have her there for the rest of the day on Sat, then on Sun and Mon, returning her to the hospital at night.

 

I go back to work on Monday so don't know how that's going to work out .

[Olly]

Gosh ANH, I hope you had a good break - you've still got your hands full, haven't you! It's great that they are encouraging your mum to come home, but please be careful - this has got to be something that works WITHOUT relying on you (or your brother) to be there.

 

This will be a long-term arrangement, and you have a partner, family and job all of which are just as important in the scheme of things as your mum. Of course you will still be visiting, helping, keeping an eye on things, making arrangements - but it's got to be something that works with you, not depends on you.

 

It's so easy for consultants to say 'do this - do that - discharge that patient'. They don't have to worry about the day to day stuff! I really hope something can be worked out for both your mum and your dad, but (and I speak from experience here) don't be tempted to make yourself part of the package.

 

Glad to hear that your dad is also doing better - I have been wondering how things were going this week. Keep us updated! Hope the effects of the holiday don't wear off too quickly, well only the ones that are making you hobble about anyway!