Solitary chicken - need advice

[freddie]

Good on you Vicki for keeping yr head, and not losing it. I'm afraid I lost it with the MIL in the summer, after many yrs of horrid from her, and life is ok for me now, but awkward for OH, tho' I tell him he can see her whenever, Truly, if you and yr "mother" dont get on, why not give up? My mother and my sister didnt speak for 15 yrs, and were ok about it. My sister stillmakes the odd remark, but it's not my fight so i stay away from being involved. I gave up on my father, and all is peaceful, i also gave up on my brother, after yrs of verbal abuse and lies, and worse from him, it's been just under two yrs, and it's lovely. No more hassle. hard step to take, but glad i did it in the end.

I get on well with my sister, and have a handful of close friends I chose and who chose me(they must be deluded!!) they're more than family to me /us now.

Iv'e never regreted letting go the not so pleasant relatives; although the decision is hard and i felt really guilty for a very surprisingly short time. Think on it. (my kids do not miss contact, they weren't particularly fussed anyway)

Have a good rest of festive time, and enjoy Your family, they're what counts; You're a lovely, strong, incredibly reserved/ strong person; and that is what yoiu can hand on; the fact that yr"mum" chooses to be a cow is not yr fight or problem; yr OK

Hugs from here x

[missuscluck]

Vicki. Sorry to hear things didnt go so well for you yesterday. No advice to offer Im afraid.

 

I think the bit you wrote about your childhood summed it up for me.

 

It seems there is no happy ending to be had here, you are just coping as best you can with someone who is unwell in her own way. Unfortunatly it is hurtful to those who would like to care for her and making your 'daughter' role impossible. No one can say you havent tried you very best.

 

I always think that as an adult with your own children you should see to your own familys happiness first and foremost so enjoy the rest of your Christmas with your nearest and dearest, your hubby and your kids. You cant choose your parents and extended family.

 

Take care. Big hugx

[Paola]

Cannot add really anything that has not been said already ANH (((((hugs)))))) Pxxx

[craftyhunnypie]

I just read Emma & Vicki & did a double take as me & my sister are Emma & Vicki, spelt with an i .

I think I probably didn't press submit. Anyway - I'll send my hugs now instead.

 

Emma.x

[Valkyrie]

Hi ANH. As long as you remain cool, calm, collected and happy (although you want to scream) while you are with her, then that's the best thing. Ignore the rudeness and continue to be your caring self.

More hugs from me, take care.

[Guest]

Hi Vicki! I'm sorry your mother has caused more upset. Sheila's advice is very good and I would echo all that she has said ( great minds Sheila! ) You can only do what you can personally manage. Well done for keeping your cool.

 

My mother has outstayed her welcome once again (she stayed until midnight!!), wound up DH more than I've ever seen before and upset one of my children. Then she turned up today just when she knew my brother was visiting and stayed for an hour. At least I know she doesn't do it intentionally, but it's very hard calming down afterwards.

[fowlbird]

hello, ANH!

 

I'm sorry your xmas day was spoiled in this way. As has already been said, it's not your fault that your mother is the way she is. You've done your best.

 

I was never able to love my mother - she terrified me but I can understand now that she had issues within her family and her life that were absolutely not my fault, I was the easiest person to blame it all on/take it out on.

 

You'll come out of this a much stronger person while she'll have missed out on knowing the fantastic person you are.

 

xxxxx

[Olly]

only just caught up with this ... so sorry to hear your Christmas was spoiled, but sadly from what you've told us previously about your mother, not a surprise. If she wasn't your mum, you wouldn't put up with this, and I think a lot of people in your position would decide that she'd sacrificed any right to respect or consideration, and would walk away. I really admire you for carrying on, and for maintaining your sense of humour throughout.

 

I have no advice to offer as I've never been in this position; hope that the good bits of Christmas with your OH and children will shine through and put this little blip into the shade.

[Guest]

hi Vicki, sorry you've had a rubbish Christmas I just wanted to say, if your dad was in a local authority run nursing home then your mum would be allowed to have up to £17,000 of savings. If the private home is eating up all her savings then why not ask the council for a placement in one of their homes? If your mum has £17,000 or less in savings then she should qualify. At least, that's how it worked for my dad.

 

take care

xxxx

[MedusA]

Nothing new to add, but having just caught up with this thread, wanted to send you my hugs too, Vicki.

 

You are a saint IMHO, and are fully entitled to come and rant here anytime you want. *HUGS*

[mostin]

Huuge hugs ANH.

 

Just wanted to say I think you are braver and stronger than you know you are. My OH and I have never started a family because I could never put a child through another version of my chilhood and i am terrified of turning into my own mother.

 

You have had the strength to do this which i think is amazing. In 1 hours time i'll have to go and sit at my mothers for a lovely "family do" where i'll be told how much weight i've gained, and how wonderful my brother is compared to me. Why do I go? I don't know? But I do, and I'll be upset for days.

 

Hold your head up high and know what a special person you are xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lisa]

Have just caught up with this thread. Sorry to hear of the upset your mum has caused you Vicki!

 

Loads of

 

My ILs were always difficult with me from the start for marrying their baby son (MH two brothers were 15 and 17 when MH was born) When we were trying to sort things out for my ILs just after we got married my FIL said that 'this would never have happened if you hadn't married THAT woman' pointing straight at me. Luckily my DH took me by the hand and walked out of the house and drove from Licoln to our home in Somerset (We had only been at their house for 30 minutes!)

 

My MIL made it quite clear she didn't like me and said that 'we don't like each other so we'll just agree to keep it that way' which was news to me . Sadly, for my husband, my FIL passed away about 10 years ago, but I must admit I don't miss the constant jibes and nasty looks I got when MH's back was turned. My MIL moved from Brighton, as the nearest family were over an hour away, to live with us until she found a flat locally seven weeks later. Her other two sons have little or, in one case, no contact with her and neither have seen her for the passed 3 or 4 years. She is now 85 and the thoughtless comments are getting less and less. She comes over on Christmas day and I feel sorry for her really.

 

The only thing you can do is be true to yourself. If your actions make you feel good about yourself then you win!

 

I know it is hard and my thoughts are with you - I hope 2009 brings more ups than downs.

[fowlbird]

My MIL moved from Brighton, as the nearest family were over an hour away, to live with us until she found a flat locally seven weeks later. Her other two sons have little or, in one case, no contact with her and neither have seen her for the passed 3 or 4 years. She is now 85 and the thoughtless comments are getting less and less. She comes over on Christmas day and I feel sorry for her really.

YOU are fantastic

[Bassett]

ANH, Just sending you a big HUG. My Mother is also very difficult, so I understand how hard it is. Hope you are okay today.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I can't believe how many people out there have horrible mothers or MILs . Lisa, you are a saint to have had her to stay after the way she treated you .

and said that 'we don't like each other so we'll just agree to keep it that way' which was news to me

That could be my mother speaking. It was news to me too .

 

Thanks for the good wishes everyone. I've not spoken to her since her birthday on Boxing Day when she phoned to say thank you for her present (a shock in itself, she's not good with social niceties ). It was only a cardi from BhS but she said it was just right .

 

I've decided once again to hold back from contacting her and try not to get anxious about it. I've learnt that she's not bothered (or can't remember) if we don't speak, so I'll try that tack too .

[Phonix]

Hi ANH

 

Hope your feeling much better.

Not really anything to add other than to say no matter what she says you've put up with much more than any 'real' (to use her words) daughter would and it sounds to me like she's the one who hasn't been the real mother and if she has any sense she'd just grow up.

 

Maybe she is scared/worried/etc but taking it out on you helps no-one least of all your dad or herself.

 

You're a saint to put up with her and a fab role model for your boys!

 

((HUGS)) and hope you have a fabulous 2009

 

x

[Seagazer]

Just caught up with this Vicki, I'm so sorry you've had a rotten time but I hope it didn't spoil Christmas too much for you. I have no words of wisdom but just know we are all thinking of you.

[Tiggy]

I hope you are feeling better now, my mom can be just as difficult, she went away this christmas & didn't tell any of us, I found out when my cousin told me

[..lay a little egg for me]

Am just catching up with the forum after Xmas and wanted to add my good wishes and some hugs to everyone else's...

[Paola]

I can't believe how many people out there have horrible mothers or MILs . .

 

I have not seen mine in 6 years, which is my choice and have never been happier. Mine has mental health issues and sees reality in a very twisted way.

 

Big ((((((hugs)))))))) xx

[Tiggy]

I can't believe how many people out there have horrible mothers or MILs . .

 

I have not seen mine in 6 years, which is my choice and have never been happier. Mine has mental health issues and sees reality in a very twisted way.

 

Big ((((((hugs)))))))) xx

 

Mine does not oficially have mental health issues but there has to be somthing amiss, I too have distanced myself and am better for it, she began leaving horrible voice messages on my mobile when she knew I would be at work & sending texts, recently told her where to get off in no uncertain terms (by text, i was having anxiety symtpoms just hearing her voice) it hurts to admit your mother is not a nice person but eventually you do learn either to ignore her or put distance between you so that you can get on with your life. I recently met an aunt for the first time and she is a lovely person, so its not a family trait (my mother had cut herself off from her own & my Dads family years ago)

[fowlbird]

 

Mine does not oficially have mental health issues but there has to be somthing amiss, I too have distanced myself and am better for it, she began leaving horrible voice messages on my mobile when she knew I would be at work & sending texts, recently told her where to get off in no uncertain terms (by text, i was having anxiety symtpoms just hearing her voice) it hurts to admit your mother is not a nice person but eventually you do learn either to ignore her or put distance between you so that you can get on with your life. I recently met an aunt for the first time and she is a lovely person, so its not a family trait (my mother had cut herself off from her own & my Dads family years ago)

the worst thing for me was that my mother wasn't like it with anyone else - she had problems with both her parents - not surprising, they were evil...

I'm the only one of her 7 children she had problems with/abused - it took years of therapy for me to understand that it wasn't my fault.

In a way I think I became the focus/scapegoat for all that was wrong in the family and it still hurts although these days I can understand the dynamics and shrug it off

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I went out shopping this morning and when I came back, OH said he'd had a phone conversation of more than half an hour with my mother . They hardly ever speak to each other so that's amazing in itself .

 

She opened up to him quite a bit and said she was unhappy that we keep falling out and that she can't understand why. He pandered to her a bit and said there was fault on both sides (told me he knows there isn't really but thought it easier to say that ). He told her that I do love her and want what's best but I get very upset when she slams the phone down and says nasty things. She said she didn't get the feeling that I love her but that I obviously love Dad. She said something about when she asks for help, I do too much. Can't win, can I . She finds it very hard to tell people what she wants - she skirts round the issue hoping you'll guess (and often you don't ).

 

Anyway, there was some wailing about the nursing home fees but generally it seems to have been a positive step. She agreed that the less we see of each other the less likely we are to fall out.

 

So at least the ice is broken and she's been told how I feel (we don't have conversations like that, ever). I know her personality won't change and she'll still be difficult but at least she seems to accept that I can be a help to her and it's not a good idea to push me away.

[Egluntyne]

That is a step in the right direction.

 

Good for your OH.

[Couperwife]

wow, well done and major brownie points for your OH.

 

do you feel better about this?

 

I must say the "dont see as much of each other" certainly sounds like a positive idea.

 

(((hugs)))

 

cathy

x