Single hen

[Guest]

I am wondering whether, as a responsible adult I should do anything about a situation that I have become aware of, or whether I should just mind my own business...

My daughter is at university in a shared house of 4 girls. It has become apparent to the housemates, that one of the girls has raging bulimia. It is obviously something that she has had for years. Her attitude to food is literally insane. She starves herself, admits she can't eat in public, goes on crazy diets of nothing but cucumber, or nothing but brown rice for days on end - at least that is what she appears to be doing. On the flip side, all the other girls in the house have had food 'go missing', and occasionally the bulimic girl will admit to having a craving for something like peanut butter, which she will buy and binge on a whole jar at a time. When they do see her eat, she will disappear into the bathroom and run the taps on full - obviously to cover the sound of what she is doing in there.

I have suggested to my daughter that she brings it to the attention of her housemate's personal tutor - but my daughter says that it will be obvious who has 'snitched' and that life in the house will be impossible.

Bearing in mind that this girl is twenty, and technically an adult, what are the opinions on the forum as to whether I should contact the personal tutor. Or should I just mind my own business? Would welcome your thoughts and opinions....

[jlo]

I'm afraid I really don't know which way to go on the question that you ask but I do wonder what the situation is with this girl's parents. Surely they must realise that something is wrong and I would venture to suggest that it is more their problem than yours?

 

Having said that, I can fully understand where you are coming from.

 

I have never been in a similar situation and am sorry that I can't offer any actual advice!

[Egluntyne]

Tricky. I imagine that the tutor will be unable/unwilling to discuss the matter with you (as a non family member) because of the confidentiality aspects of the situation.

 

I think it is one of those situations that until she accepts/admits she has a problem, it can't be addressed.

[Tessa the Duchess]

I think it is one of those situations that until she accepts/admits she has a problem, it can't be addressed.

 

I tend to agree with Egluntine on this. She is an adult, she isn't doing anything illegal, so it's probably best left alone. Hopefully her parents will try and help her.

 

Tessa.

[jackiepoppies]

Tricky. I imagine that the tutor will be unable/unwilling to discuss the matter with you (as a non family member) because of the confidentiality aspects of the situation.

 

I think it is one of those situations that until she accepts/admits she has a problem, it can't be addressed.

 

 

I quite understand Egluntines point of view, but, if the tutor were aware of the situation, would she not have a duty of care towards this student? Perhaps the student needs to accept/admit she has a problem and can't do this until she has been confronted?

 

I really hope this situation can be resolved before there is some serious self harm.

 

A very difficult situation but one where I could be classified as 'negligent' if I did not recognise/address a problem like this in my pre-retirement employment

 

Jx

[SAB]

Confidentiality should not prevent someone like a tutor/counsellor from listening to someone's concerns, it should only prevent them imparting information. They should also be able to think of a way to address the issue in general with the class, rather than single someone out - advice lines on notice boards, for example - she is unlikely to be the only one.

 

It is a tricky one given that the young woman in question is not a child, but you are merely asking that someone keep an eye out for her. It cannot be assumed that her parents or tutors know as bulimia is such a private thing. It is also important to bear in mind that many people who have bulimia are attempting to have some control and order over their life and it is important not to take this away. There will also be delicate issues of trust.

 

Those living with her should allow themselves to raise issues of missing food to flat mates in general, rather than single one out, and if necessary everyone put locks on their cupboards - not uncommon in student flats and landlords are usually okay with if you clear it with them first. Keep mouthwash in the bathroom as it is better for those with bulimia to use this after being sick as brushing can erode enamel badly due to acids from vomiting.

 

It is also important for those living with her and for her tutors to be aware of the dangers of bulimia (all the more reason for tutor to know) as in the worst case senario, death can arise from reduced potasium or from rupturing of digestive tract - there does not have to be weightloss evident for things to get this bad.

 

She does need to admit she has a problem, but if she is living in a shared flat and is taking other folk's food and is audibly vomiting, it may be that she wants others to know - if feeling able to, someone in the house may want to have calm talk with her and ask what they can do to support her and let her know she is not being judged or thought of badly in any way.

[jackiepoppies]

I agree with SAB 100%

 

Jx

[BeckyBoo]

Reeeaaaalllly tricky. The messenger nearly always gets shot in these things unfortunately. And bulemia (sp?) really is still quite a taboo subject in a lot of ways. When we went camping last year one of the Mums (who is STICK thin and who most of my friends and I have always suspected had some sort of eating disorder) was seen eating toasties and breakfasts and everything we never normally see her eat but then always disappeared off to the loo. Then one morning one of my friends was in the loo when she came in and heard her throwing up, but much as quite a few of us wanted to broach the subject, and have tried in a roundabout way since because sometimes she looks as though she would blow away in the wind she really is so frail at times, "Ooops, word censored!"ody has because what do you actually say? And what would be the end result? Presumably if your daughters housemate is at uni she's an intelligent girl, these things don't normally just appear overnight they can take years to develop and I would imagine would take years to deal with.

 

I have no idea how you would best approach this. As an older person if I was going to try and say something I think I would try and keep it quite casual so that she didn't feel too "persecuted" or put on the spot. Sort of, "Listen luvvy, you know we're all in this house together and we all look out for each other, I've been a bit worried about you 'cos you don't seem to be eating very well and I don't want you to end up ill, you know you can always talk to any of us any time or you can tell me to butt out, but I just wanted to you to know that I'm here and I do care" But I would say that because I'm quite an "in yer face" kind of woman, it really depends on your daughter.

I think if I was the girl and my tutor suddenly took me up on it because a girl in my house had said something I would feel fairly backed into a corner and would feel like I was being watched in the house.

It's very difficult, because there's obviously a lot more to it than bad diet so to confront someone with personal issues could make a bad situation worse.

 

SO. No help there then! Sorry, I do waffle on, good luck with whatever you choose to do

 

BeckyBoo

[Minnie the Moocher]

If the bulimic girl was my daughter and I discovered that not only did she have this dreadful illness, but others knew and had kept quiet, I would be devastated.

 

Perhaps her family does not know.

 

Surely there must be something that can be done to help her with her illness without interfering?

[Janepie33]

My son will be going off to university in September and I would like to think that if he had a problem that others knew about, then someebody would speak to either him or somebody in authority to see if they could help. I know that our children are officially adult at the age of 18, but the transition from child to adult does not happen the day they turn 18. University can be so stressful for some young people and just to know that someone is looking out for them must surely be comforting.

The university must have someone like a student counciler? Maybe he / she would be the first port of call for you or your daughter to ask for some advice re the bulimic girl?

[milli]

One of my (now) husbands uni housemates was bulimic. She recently fell off the bulimic bandwagon (as she put it) due to stress. I'd say you are in a really awkward position, I don't think saying anything to a tutor will help personally, however for this girls safety it might be best that they were aware in case something did happen.

 

However I'd say that the most important thing is that she has the support of her housemates and knows they are there for her, not judging her or trying to stop her by locking food up (it won't help - if she wants food she will find a way to get it). If you were to tell her tutor, then I'm sure the tutor would feel compelled to talk and it would become obvious that someone in the house has said something, that would break all her trust with them and that surely isn't good? All that can really be done is to let her know that she has support, a shoulder to cry on and friends to run to. If you are really worried then surely seeking advice from a medical professional would be best, ask their advice, ask for information and then your daughter and the other housemates can try and inform themselves as best as possible to help their friend.

 

Sorry it's a bit of a ramble, thats just what in my opinion would be best. The trouble is there is no magic wand or right answer. She quite possibly knows she has a problem, can admit it and even want others to know, but that doesn't mean she'll be able to stop.

 

Edited to add: I agree that if there is a uni counsellor then that would be a good place to go.

[Karen & co.]

I would be tempted to try to speak to her tutor, as she will need help even if not just at the moment.

 

My son is at 6th Form College, and have recently had a phone call from the head there to say that some of his (very caring) friends have approached her and asked her not to tell us, but wanted to point out he is having moments where he is 'vacant' or not remembering why they are doing something We were very grateful for their concern, and he is going to see a Neurologist soon.

 

Could you ask tor daughter to do something similar, that way she is able to pass the concerns on, but not be seen to be interfering

 

Karen x

[Guest]

Thank you all for the messages. Its really why I made the post - all the conversations I have been having in my head down in writing. I shall think the situation over further...

[poachedegg]

My son will be going off to university in September and I would like to think that if he had a problem that others knew about, then someebody would speak to either him or somebody in authority to see if they could help. I know that our children are officially adult at the age of 18, but the transition from child to adult does not happen the day they turn 18. University can be so stressful for some young people and just to know that someone is looking out for them must surely be comforting.

The university must have someone like a student counciler? Maybe he / she would be the first port of call for you or your daughter to ask for some advice re the bulimic girl?

 

I agree Janepie33 - our eldest is hopefully off to uni in September too and I would absolutely would like to think that somebody would look out for him if he had some difficult times.

[craftyhunnypie]

I would speak to her tutor, as in the long run - that little talk could actually save her life!

 

Emma.x

[chickenanne]

It could be that her parents and even her tutor do know, and are doing everything possible to help. Perhaps the housemate already goes to a counsellor about it; depending on how well she knows/gets on with others in the house, she may not have told them. it can take years to get eating disorders under control.

 

However, if I were you I would definitely be telling the university about it, explaining your daughter's concerns re: atmosphere in the house afterward. if it were your daughter who was having these problems, I'm sure that's what you woud want to happen.

 

Possibly it will make life in the house difficult, for a short time, but really so long as the girl is allowed to understand that her housemates are concerned for her because they care I would think it would blow over. The very worst that would happe is that she'd move out, and personally i don;t think this is likely. You can't allow someone to become very ill because doing otherwise might make other people's lives uncomfortable.

[Lydia]

It's entirely possible that the parents and the tutors already know. 3 of my last 4 bosses have had bulimic daughters. In the case of the current boss, he and his wife are well aware of their daughter's condition and try to do their best to help and support her. However, she is still able to hide it when she wants to. She has quit one university course and now begun another at a different university.

 

In the cases of my other 2 bosses, both daughters were at university and both ended up in hospital, one of them very very ill. One of them is now well on the road to recovery but, despite everyone's support, she really had to hit rock bottom before she was ready to help herself and it took years.

 

I agree, telling the tutors is probably the best course of action - it was the tutors on the first university course that persuaded my boss's daughter to tell her parents and started the catalyst of getting help. It's a tricky situation and one you will probably not be thanked for.

[Helly Welly]

I think that your daughter, rather than you, has to tell someone. Yes, the atmosphere in the house might be awkward but what if this girl becomes seriously ill. I couldn't just stand by and watch it happen. You say that at 20 she's an adult but when i was away at uni i know i wasn't as mature as an adult and really i was still a child. Is there a councillor that your daughter could talk to and get some advice? As others have said, the situation needs to be handled carefully as the girl could just move out and her new flatmates might not be so caring. However, i don't think doing nothing is an option. Would you want to know if it was your daughter?