Mrs

[fluffyfeet]

Hi all

 

I'm in a bit of a quandry - been stewing on this all morning and don't know what to do for the best.

 

It is the first anniversary of FIL's death and OH doesn't appear to have realised. I was wondering what others thoughts were on

 

(a) reminding him of something that upset him

 

(b) when I should do this - he is at work till 5

 

I thought about maybe waiting until after our evening meal and then telling him and raising a glass in his memory.

 

I knew this was coming up but hadn't realised it was today until I checked my 2009 diary when i got to work.

 

Dawn x

[Cooks]

maybe he has realised but didn't want to face it? That would be what I would do. ??

 

I dont know what the correct answer is....

[mostin]

That is a tricky one , perhaps once you have the little one in bed and it's all quiet you can gently bring it up?

 

If you have told him, at least it will be his choice if he wants to do anything special this weekend in his memory or anything like that isn't it. If he just wants to carry on life as normal than that is his choice too.

 

Hugs to you as well xxxxxxxxx

[Chickendoodle]

I purposefully try to forget bad anniversary dates as I hate having "black marker" days in my head. I prefer to raise a glass at my parents' birthdays and Christmas day. Your OH might be the same and not want to be reminded of the anniversary?

 

My view is don't say anything but wait until your FIL birthday to do something in his memory. Everyone is different on how they want to remember a loved one and I would be guided by your OH. If he doesn't say anything, don't bring it up

[PurpleTree]

It was a year last weekend that my grampy died, I'm not altogether sure my brother remembered. My parents were mostly concerned with making sure my Gran was ok, but I'm sure my dad was probably feeling a bit sad, although I think it'll be worse on my grampy's birthday in a couple of weeks.

 

Like Cookie Monster said, maybe he's trying not to think about it.

 

Is FIL's grave nearby? Maybe ask him over dinner if he'd like to get some flowers to go on the grave, and see what his reaction is?

 

Sorry probably not much help

[Christian]

I always light a special candle on the anniversary of OH's Fathers death. I don't mention it, although I am pretty sure he realises the date every year.

 

I always get the candle out a few days before, to remind me.

 

Some people would rather not remember the date and prefer to 'celebrate' birthdays etc.

 

Difficult isn't it?

[fluffyfeet]

I'd definitely know if he'd remembered, he'd have a face on him like a wet weekend.

 

I just hate feeling like the harbinger of doom, cos when I've had to give him bad or depressing news in the past he has often said "I wish you hadn't told me" but I have a feeling if I don't tell him and he realises later on he will be put out with me - and he knows I have a memory like an elephant

 

It's one of those 'damned if you do, damned if you don't isn't it'.

 

Dawn x

[chickencam]

Is MIL still around? If so I would probably remind him on the basis that she may need support, otherwise I would leave it to him. It is a difficult problem.

[Valkyrie]

With my dad's anniversary last year I knew but said nothing. Mum actually forgot the date and thought it was a couple of days after. I would rather remember nicer things.

[chickenanne]

I would leave it, unless other family members may need the support.

If he has forgotten, it's not going to make him feel good knowing that he forgot the date and you remembered. Or it could be that the exact date of when it happened feels irrelevant to him.

[Cinnamon]

I would leave it too.

 

Its my Mums first anniversary in a couple of weeks, & I intend to make it a happy day ,doing fun things,rather than dwelling & being miserable,which I know some members of my family feel I should

 

Why not just say that you have popped some flowers on the grave today (if you can?), & leave it at that?

[Egluntyne]

Lighting a candle or raising a glass in memory are both lovely ideas.

 

Do you think he might be more upset to realise in a couple of days that he had forgotten ( if indeed he has).

[fluffyfeet]

I have the Yankee candles we used at his 'unique' service (non traditional green funeral) last year and lit them on his birthday and at Christmas so that would be one option and would be a bit of an opener for me to say something about the date.

 

OH is really bad at remembering dates for anything, and relies on me to nudge him so I don't think he would react badly because I remembered and he didn't.

 

MIL is still about - however they divorced when OH was still in primary school and FIL went on to re-marry twice - so no love lost there so to speak.

 

FIL is buried at a green field site about an hours drive from here so it is not out of the question to visit with flowers this weekend.

 

Think I might get our evening meal out of the way, get the little bloke to bed and then mention it to him and ask him if he'd like to do anything to remember his Dad by.

 

Thanks for all the suggestions and ideas.

 

Dawn x

[Sheilaz]

....OH is really bad at remembering dates for anything, and relies on me to nudge him so I don't think he would react badly because I remembered and he didn't.

 

OH says he deliberately doesn't need to remember dates because he knows I will, and also I probably attach more importance to remembering.

 

I always keep it simple with a remark such as "I've just been thinking about Dad, it's a year ago today...etc" or "Goodness, I can't believe it's been 25 years today (which it will be this month) since Dad died, wasn't he a lovely man, I do miss him, etc etc".

It can then open as much or as little conversation as OH needs, which is usually very little, but at least it was there and I never feel it was wrong to raise the subject. I do this on other days too, just remembering him for no particular reason other than he was loved.

 

I don't mark the day in other ways but always mention it & make sure we have a special tea to honour him on his birthday, which is far more important to me, and his memory lives on.

 

Think I might get our evening meal out of the way, get the little bloke to bed and then mention it to him and ask him if he'd like to do anything to remember his Dad by.

 

Good plan, hope it goes well.

 

 

 

Dawn x

[Chucky Mama]

I lost my lovely brother some years ago. I made a point of not noting the date and I now genuinely don't remember the date or how many years he has been gone. I don't want to have a day that I should or should not feel a particular way. I think that grief or joy from memories of happy times associated with the loss of a loved one are best to come naturally. My opinion only, I am sure that others will feel differently.

[coco]

It was three years last week since my FIL died. I couldn't remember the exact date but OH knew without me having to remind him. I think your OH may remember, I wouldn't remind him though. I lost my mum many years ago but can still remember the date.

[Cinnamon]

I lost my lovely brother some years ago. I made a point of not noting the date and I now genuinely don't remember the date or how many years he has been gone. I don't want to have a day that I should or should not feel a particular way. I think that grief or joy from memories of happy times associated with the loss of a loved one are best to come naturally. My opinion only, I am sure that others will feel differently.

 

That is exactly how I feel about my Mum.

Difficult not to remember the date this time around,as it was only a year ago, & I KNOW my brother will post something about it on his Facebook status

He & my sister did this big thing on her birthday last year,which just happened to be Christmas Eve. I did invite them here for a drink,some fun chatter & an opportunity to make the day a happy one,but they wanted to wallow,which suits them I s'pose *shrug*

Never been one for that myself,& oddly,neither was my Mum

[BarbaraJ]

My dad died 5 years ago i dont remember the date as i too don't feel the need to remember the bad day, just the happy times. MIL and all her kids in UK meet up once a year on the date of his death (3yrs ago) to wallow and i wouldn't want to do that,

 

I wouldn't mention it, he may know all ready and rather get on with the day!

 

my mum also had my dads ashes scattered over the crematorium grounds as she doesnt want somewhere to have to visit and worry about upkeep.