Installing Indoor Cat Tree

[Cinnamon]

Does anyone else suffer with this?

Apologies if I have posted about this before (I can't remember!), but I need to let off some steam this morning.

 

We live at the quiet end of a very small village,& all the other houses around us are homes to elderly or sick people.

My Husband Brian is very "handy" & we have found over the past couple if years that barely a day goes by without some little favour being asked of him.

These range fraom changing lightbulbs & chopping wood to finding out why the electricity has gone off (we phoned the electricity company )

We get calls at 11pm & 7am

 

Brian is the sort of lovely tolerant man who will do anything for any one,but it is really starting to get on his nerves now....and mine

We had a 7.30am call today,just as he was leaving (he is working in London & needs an early start to beat the traffic).It was a trivial matter & I put my foot down,saying that he could NOT come over as he was leaving for work.

The neighbour got a bit stroppy, & now I feel guilty about it

 

Brian works long hours & works really hard.He just wants to come home & chill out in the living room with us,but a lightbulb change can take an hour with all the other little things they also find for him to do at the same time.

 

We have evn resorted to putting the answer machine on from 8pm onwards.

 

I feel like he is being used as an unofficial caretaker, & thats not something we signed up to do when we moved here.

All these people have nearby relatives,but they all seem to be conveniently too busy to help out their loved ones.

 

Rant over

[Popcorn]

Sarah,

 

I think you have answered your own questions there. If they have other people that should be helping out more, like relatives for example, then let them help out too. If it's affecting you and your family, you have to what's best for you.

 

It is nice to be a helpful, handy neighbour and I imagine that your OH does get a bit of enjoyment out of being able to help, but you do have to say no if it's inconvienient. It sounds as though it's a given that he will drop everything for your neighbours and they expect it now - and as for calling at those hours, well, they really are taking him for granted.

 

If you feel that you can't explain to them how it's affecting you and your OH, then kindly say, No, sorry' if it's not the right time, and maybe arrange a time that is convienient on your terms. If they get in a strop with you, then I'd think twice about helping them out at all. You really have no need to feel guilty Sarah. I guess if you've always done it whenever they ask, they probably think you don't mind.

 

My Dad is in a simialr situation. Their fence blew down in all the high winds, and so him and his 26 yr old neighbour agreed to go halves on the fence and put it back up together.

 

Dad ended up doing it all himself, digging out concrete, pulling up tree roots etc and I think Mum thought he was going to have a heart attack. He's not long ago had a bypass at 60. Said neighbour quite happily walked up and down the path on his way in and out and never helped. Once the fence was done, he had the cheek to ask Dad why he hadn't sorted his back gate out for him!

[Paola]

I agree with Gina, no need to feel guilty Sarah. Sounds as if you have done more then enough for your neighbours. You did the right thing this morning

[Snowy]

I agree with the above Sarah. Sounds like your OH does a great job and is very highly thought of, but there comes a time when you have to limit what you can do. Not easy, but it's about being able to say no sometimes isn't it? He'll be no use to anyone if he's burnt out with work and community demands and no time for his own family and to recharge his batteries. And I think the answer machine is vital!

[Egluntyne]

No need to feel guilty Cinnamon.

 

Any chance you could get the contact details of the relatives of these neighbours and refer requests to them.

 

These neighbours should be able to understand about Brian's working commitments, and that he will not always be available.

 

Perhaps you could say that he is not in.

 

When we lived near Cambridge we inherited an alcoholic neighbour who had been looked after by the previous occupants of our house and he made it clear that he expected the same from us.

 

Very tricky. He died suddenly of ruptured oesophageal varices, and guess who found him collapsed and bleeding to death.

 

It was amazing how many relatives were at his funeral, and they all lived locally.

 

We also were expected to help an old chap who had never ventured out of the village in his entire life, could neither read nor write, nor tell the time, and I ended up being his PA! He stank to high heaven as I recall.

 

We solved that one by moving to Sheffield.

 

I sympathise massively as I know how difficult it is to say no.

[Cinnamon]

Well, thanks everyone.

I knew I could count on you all to listen to my rant & make me feel a bit better.

 

You are right,we have to draw the line somewhere, & I think the answer machine is essential for our future sanity

[buffie]

Hi Sarah

 

I would start to re-educate your neighbours. I imagine they got used to Brian being available and now just assume. They will feel a bit put out that he is no longer available because we are all creatures of habit. It's a change to their routine and they don't like it.

 

If you develop a new script. "Sorry Brian no longer arrives home early" , "Sorry Brian leaves very early" They will soon learn that the old routine has changed. Stick to your guns and it will wean them off.

 

It isn't your responsibility to do odd jobs. Being helpful can get out of hand.

 

good luck

 

BBx

 

 

 

 

[The Dogmother]

Good call Buffie and others. That's a tough one isn't it, and I can understand how you feel a bit guilty turning them down. Buff's script sounds like a good one and not likely to upset anyone unduly.

 

I 'look out for' a lovely old lady a few doors down from me, she has heart and lung trouble, is diabetic, deaf and 89 years old. She is a lovely old thing (independent spirit like me) and wouldn't consider putting upon me, but I make sure that she has her shopping and that I talk to her a couple of times a week. Her family live a couple of hours away, but almost never call her I really don't mind looking out for her.

 

On the other hand, yesterday, I had to make it quite plain that i would NOT be put upon by someone who has decided that I am game for doing stuff for them on an ad hoc basis

[buffie]

Yes Clare it's nice to be 'there' for someone but just put upon isn't right.

 

BBx

[Tina C]

What a difficult situation to be in. It must be really hard to have to start saying no. As well as gently letting them know Brian is not available at all times why don't you try and have a subtle word with their relatives (if they ever come to call). In a nice way of course - just mention that you feel a bit guilty that Brian can't help out as much as in the past because he is so busy at the moment - they probably don't realise how much you are doing for their parents/whoever.

 

I suppose in a way your neighbours feel that they don't want to be a burden on their relatives but because of this they are forgetting about your needs.

 

At the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and your family so try not to feel too guilty (although I know you will).

[Martin B]

It is a difficult situation, isn't it. My Dad and Uncle are always called upon by the people who live on the same complex as my nan. Because we are only 2 minutes away they think we can come and screw a light in. We don't want to turn them down because they are old and fragile, a bit like revnev.

[Egluntyne]

they are old and fragile, a bit like revnev.

Martin is obviously feeling better. I'll hold him down Revnev...you punch his lights out.

 

Sorry Cinnamon....don't want to deviate from a very serious subject.

[Martin B]

[Cinnamon]

That cheered me up,Martin!

 

They know that Brian goes out really early each morning - usually before 7.30 - which is why we got a 6.30am cll last week....so they would catch him in.

I am a bit of a grump Bu***r in the mornings anyway,& this really did not help matters

 

Ho Hum - life is never easy is it?

I have no problem being a bit firmer with them, but Brian is a big softy who finds it hard to say no to anyone........except me,it would seem.

No-one changes MY lightbulbs for me.

[Popcorn]

6.30am I'd tell them Brian was still in bed - having a ly-in. Actually, if my phone rang at 6.30am I'd think it was an emergency call or something had happened to a family member. It really is unreasonable to call at the time of the day.

 

You can firm but fair Sarah.

[Egluntyne]

This might seem drastic, and would be inconvenient in many other ways, but you could change your phone number....

 

Have you got call screening....and there is call barring too.

 

Sorry...all sound very negative suggestions, but your right to a bit of privacy is the important factor here.

[Cinnamon]

Changing the number is too drastic for us.

We are keyholders to some of these peoples houses too,so if they have a fall,we have to use the key to get in.So,they have to have our current phone number to pass on to the liason company.

 

Call screening would work though.

Or we colud just try to get into the habit of switching call minder (answerphone type service) on at 8pm, & off again at 8am

[Popcorn]

Sometimes just having a good old moan about these things is enough isn't it Sarah!

 

Key Holder. Sounds like something out of Ghost Busters

[Cinnamon]

I could do with one of those proton pack things they had on Ghostbusters.

That would keep the neighbours at bay

[Popcorn]

[The Dogmother]

Call minder sounds good Sarah, that way you can answer calls from those you want to speak to. Then delay getting back to the 'needy neighbours' so that they get fed up waiting and ask their families.

[chelsea]

You sound very much like me Sarah. My hubby is also very friendly and would do anything for anybody at a drop of a hat.....im the one who moans at him that people take advantage

 

What happens with your neighbours when you and your hubby go on holiday?? - how do they manage then??!! if they DO manage - then they CAN manage without you/hubby when you are there and not rely on you too much. I agree with your rant that they are expecting far too much from a friendly neighbour.

 

I couldnt agree more with you by trying to cut all this extra help down a bit by not answering the phone so much and not being so "readily available"...they will soon get the message.

 

We have one house attached to ours and a 93 year old chap lives there on his own....he has a large family and NO-ONE comes to see him. We cut his grass and another neighbour takes in an occasional cooked meal and if he has any problems he's always knocking on our door for help, I dont mind helping anyone out, but im also very annoyed at his family not coming to see him - he even fell the other day and hurt his head - and had no visit from any family member

[SarahJo]

We have nick-named our neighbour "when you have a minute" .

 

OH is handy, and I am also called on for the house sitting duties and less demanding DIY chores. I got very involved when the neighbours husband was ill, and subsequently died ... and despite having 2 young boys at home, invariably was the one called at 4am. The daughter lives about 30 mins away ... don't see her for dust . When the husband passed away I felt really bad ... should I have done more , but then I remind myself that the daughter did next to nothing.

 

I think caring peeps like us, do help others unconditionally, and we are usually the busiest - whats the saying about "if you need something doing, ask a busy person" . Sadly though, we are the ones who then get put upon ... at least you know you are not alone Sarah, as others have posted their experiences. I also have keys for most of the houses in the Close .... for varying reasons. .

 

Stay positive ... and get a bit firmer, after all you are a neighbour, not a carer.

[Paola]

6.30am I'd tell them Brian was still in bed - having a ly-in. Actually, if my phone rang at 6.30am I'd think it was an emergency call or something had happened to a family member. It really is unreasonable to call at the time of the day.

 

You can firm but fair Sarah.

 

I agree Gina. 6.30am that is shocking

[The Dogmother]

Not out of your pit by then Paola?