Mel (& Paul) Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 Now I know why I stick to dogs and chooks!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 Loved the techie Jokes Can't remember if I posted this one or not and I couldn't be bothered to look through all my previous jokes So here it is (again?) This bloke goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle." "A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?" "I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton." "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that." "In that case," says the bloke, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket." Cheers Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 (edited) These are supposedly genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats. It was sent to me by a friend. * My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. * He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. * It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. * I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my k"Ooops, word censored!" off. * I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. * And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. * I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. * My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? * I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. * Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. * I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen * 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. * I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. * The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. * Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. * Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. * I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. * The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. * Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. * I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. * Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. * I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. * This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. Cheers Jem Edited October 6, 2005 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 Well, they made me laugh (again?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali-s Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted October 7, 2005 Author Share Posted October 7, 2005 Hee hee - I like the folding bucket Jem, you outdoing us all. I'm clean out of jokes...and yours are just too good to be in the 'worst jokes' thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted October 7, 2005 Author Share Posted October 7, 2005 Ok, managed to rustle one up. For all us Good Time Girls out there A woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., and a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "Midnight". He didn't seem annoyed at all. Whew! Got away with that one she thought. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, "Ooops, word censored!"", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 Thought it was time this topic was resurrected.... Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his photo taken." Cheers Jem P.S. Am I allowed to sneak a really bad taste joke in??? George Best's Doctor approaches him in his hospital bed. "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news George" he says. "Better give me the bad news first Doc" says George "You've only got an hour to live" "What's the good news" "It's Happy Hour"!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 I like both those - especially the first one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali-s Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 for the second one ....... very bad taste, but still Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted October 31, 2005 Author Share Posted October 31, 2005 I feel naughty and guilty for laughing at that George joke If I hold out my hand, will you slap it, then it will be ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jem Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 Hi Gina Consider yourself well and truly chastised Cheers Jem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I can feel myself getting moderated before I post this so apologies for any offense when you get to the end it is clean 'honest injun' NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time. You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. . . Hey, coola down lady, said the man. Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'. Boom Boom Wands at the ready Mods I am going home now I will catch the fall out in the morning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Not me Louise! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popcorn Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 You speaka Italian good Louise! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Like it Louise! It stays!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Very good ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 You're back on form Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 A man goes to a zoo. There's only one dog there. It was a "Ooops, word censored!"zu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 It took me a while to get it actually but once I did! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vigo Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 LOL kate, nice one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 That was one from my brother who has no chicken keeping aspirations ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
