Cube mk2 and WIR

[Geoid]

1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

 

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

 

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

 

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

 

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

 

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

 

7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

 

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

 

9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

 

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

 

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

 

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

 

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

 

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

 

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

 

Please Post More Jokes Etc In This Thread....

[Egluntyne]

Very good Fred. Just what we need.

[Mrs Frugal]

Thanks Fred .

[Geoid]

Found This:

[Goosey Lucy]

Hee hee hee.

 

This is my offering, hope you like it...

 

Did you hear about the man with 2 left feet who went into a shoe shop?

 

He bought a pair of flip-flips

 

My 7 year old loves this!

[Geoid]

[Mrs Frugal]

 

Fred, that maths one is brilliant!

[Egluntyne]

[Martin B]

 

Fred, that maths one is brilliant!

 

[Ziggy]

Can that Maths one actually be marked as wrong? Surely if 'expand' was required, 'expand' was done

 

Great thread, it's lovely to find the forum friendly and happy place again...

 

Once I remember the many jokes I heard that were really good, I'll come and post some

[Olly]

This is my favourite ever joke:

 

What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?

 

Well, one is weaselly recognised and the other is stoatally different!

 

 

I've been laughing at this joke since I was about five, and I'm hrrmpty-something now - but it never fails to make me giggle!

[Martin B]

[Martin B]

Can that Maths one actually be marked as wrong? Surely if 'expand' was required, 'expand' was done

 

It was only the other day we were discussing something similar in English. The old English Language Writing papers used to contain 3 questions based on argueing, persuading or advising. You only have to do 1 of them and still only do need to do 1.

 

The old exam paper said: Choose one.

 

One candidate drew a big arrow and wrote next to it 'I choose this one' The exam board were forced to give full marks.

 

The exam now reads: Choose one and write about it/explain.

[Couperman]

Can that Maths one actually be marked as wrong? Surely if 'expand' was required, 'expand' was done

 

It was only the other day we were discussing something similar in English. The old English Language Writing papers used to contain 3 questions based on argueing, persuading or advising. You only have to do 1 of them and still only do need to do 1.

 

The old exam paper said: Choose one.

 

One candidate drew a big arrow and wrote next to it 'I choose this one' The exam board were forced to give full marks.

 

The exam now reads: Choose one and write about it/explain.

This reminds me of a GCSE french exam (the first ever GCSE french exam)

There was an article in French all about Madonna, and then a load of questions in English about the same article!! Step forward all Madonnas fans you've passed!!!

 

Unfortunatley I took German and the article was about Kraftwerk, I failed, well got a 'd' for effort.

 

Kev.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

In a music class yesterday, the teacher said "we're going to sing a round". A couple of kids (there's only 5 in the class - special school) started singing Frere Jacques. She then taught them an African round. One girl went in a bit of a huff and said:

 

"I don't like the African one. I like Frere Jacques because it's in English".

 

Bless her little cotton chaussettes - I don't know what she thought she was singing about!

[Geoid]

QUIZMANIA (ITV)

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.

Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.

Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

 

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.

Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?

Contestant: Cartons?

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

 

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

 

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

 

THE WEAKEST LINK

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

 

GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?

Caller: Mohicans.

 

QUIZMANIA

Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.

Contestant: Grandfather.

Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.

Contestant: Panda.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

 

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

 

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm . . .

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.

Contestant: 1965?

 

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.

Tufnell: Higher!

Contestant: Five.

 

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED

and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

 

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW

Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?

Contestant: 23.

 

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

 

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)

Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.

Contestant: Ghana.

Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.

Contestant: New Zealand.

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific

 

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?

Contestant: Jelly.

 

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)

Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?

Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

 

BLIND DATE (ITV)

Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.

Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ... Mexico?

 

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?

Contestant: Enid Blyton

 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?

Contestant: Basketball.

 

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ

Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?

Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er . . .

Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY

Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?

Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

 

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

 

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

 

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1

Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?

Contestant: Ummm . . .

Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.

Contestant: Shark.

 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

[bronze]

Can that Maths one actually be marked as wrong? Surely if 'expand' was required, 'expand' was done

 

It was only the other day we were discussing something similar in English. The old English Language Writing papers used to contain 3 questions based on argueing, persuading or advising. You only have to do 1 of them and still only do need to do 1.

 

The old exam paper said: Choose one.

 

One candidate drew a big arrow and wrote next to it 'I choose this one' The exam board were forced to give full marks.

 

The exam now reads: Choose one and write about it/explain.

This reminds me of a GCSE french exam (the first ever GCSE french exam)

There was an article in French all about Madonna, and then a load of questions in English about the same article!! Step forward all Madonnas fans you've passed!!!

 

Unfortunatley I took German and the article was about Kraftwerk, I failed, well got a 'd' for effort.

 

Kev.

 

I had an equally annoying question in my mock GCSE aural French exam.

 

Which sport do they not do on the lake?

 

a) kyacking

b) sailing

c) surfing

d) windsurfing

 

Noa I didnt know, I'm rubbish at french but I do know you can't surf on a lake so said c. I got it wrong.

[tenzin]

This is a picture , made me giggle when i see it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[bronze]

Dont know whether to laugh or be sick

[Egluntyne]

Good Lord!

[bronze]

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

 

 

I think I have an odd sense of humour

[Geoid]

[tenzin]

ROFPMSL

 

 

Only in America hey guys !

[Snowy]

Fred, your quiz questions and answers have had me in hysterics - not laughed like that in ages! Tried reading them aloud to OH but couldn't 'cos I kept getting the giggles!