Locking Bar Eglu Classic

[BeckyBoo]

Thinking of you me lovely, hope the sun shines on you for a change. Keep your chin up, this sounds like a living hell, we're all behind you so you can fall back on us and just chill.

 

Mrs B

[Tiggy]

I wonder if she wants to be able to say to people (not that she ever sees people ) "oh, poor me, my family abandoned me and don't want anything to do with me :cry:" . Why else would she be so intent on pushing me away? .

 

 

my mom has done exactly this for YEARS, it is really upsetting, chin up sweetie you are not alone

]

[Tessa the Duchess]

Again I am sending you lots of e.hugs and support. This forum is the perfect place to come and have a huge rant when you are at the end of your tether.

 

Your mum sounds very much like my late MIL She was a hugely difficult and needy woman when she had all her marbles, but when she started losing them she was a nightmare. She said she wasn't leaving my children any money in her will because they were adopted they weren't 'real' grandchildren and they had bad blood She would phone up sometimes at midnight with requests like the battery had gone in her radio and would DH drive up and replace it NOW! And she treated DH, her only child, like poo, he used to come back from visiting her literally shaking he was so upset at the things she said to him So I do understand a little of what you are going through, and I know it is not easy.

 

Tessa

[Olly]

hang on ANH, here it is ... *pop* no, hold it a bit nearer *glug, glug, glug* there you go, just shout when you need a refill.

 

I think your behaviour has been exemplary, but the fact remains that what your mum does or says just doesn't seem to bear any relation to what you have done or said. Because of the way she is, whatever you say to her at the weekend may not produce a result.

 

A 'normal' person, even if they were in denial about what they are being told, would take on board the fact that you have been very hurt and that they have behaved very badly towards someone who has only ever tried to help them. There's no guarantee, going on what your mum has been like so far, that this will even penetrate her consciousness! Go ahead and do it on the basis that it will make you feel a lot better - but I wouldn't count on it changing anything.

 

good news about your dad, anyway - fingers crossed that you can soon get him settled in the nursing home. I agree with Helly Welly, time to be selfish!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks everyone, as ever your support is a real help.

 

they weren't 'real' grandchildren

We've had that said too about my two boys and my brother's four children .

 

All I can say is thank goodness none of us are actually blood-related to her .

[Yorkshire Pudding]

Hi ANH

 

I haven't posted in this thread for ages, but I've been keeping up and just wanted to add my support.

 

Your Mum's behaviour isn't rational and it isn't reasonable. You've put up with so much from her, but it is taking its toll on you. A long step back from her will do you the power of good.

[Fur 'n' Feathers]

I wonder if she wants to be able to say to people (not that she ever sees people ) "oh, poor me, my family abandoned me and don't want anything to do with me :cry:" . Why else would she be so intent on pushing me away? Every time in the past I've extended the olive branch after a falling out as I know she will never, ever make the first move. When I do, there's never any discussion of what caused her to flip or any of the things she's said to me.

 

Well, no more. If I get a chance at the w/e I'm going to tell her (with BB as bodyguard ) just how what she says affects me.

 

Hi AnH. Thank goodness you've landed with an empathetic Social Worker.

 

Have you ever heard of the expression "I hate you, don't leave me"? It refers to the relational style of people who, for whatever reason, have difficulty in trusting people and also struggle with their inner feelings of emptiness and fear of abandonment. They push people away and then become distressed with their own feelings of abandonment.Then comes the intense reactions, threats or desperation to reconnect.

 

Sounds illogical, but it's more common than people realise. Others around the person get caught up in the person's chaotic world unless they are aware of this.

[Olly]

Wow, that's a deep one, Fur'n'Feathers! It struck an immediate chord with me, I've never heard that phrase before but I know someone whom that describes to a 'T'.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

That sounds like a pretty accurate description of mum's behaviour, F&F (apart from the desperation to reconnect which I've not noticed yet )

 

Anyway, today Dad was assessed by the nursing home (bless him, he was getting a bit confused so it's just as well I was there). She asked him if he ate and drank OK, and he started rambling on about having a wee tot of whisky every night . He's being moved tomorrow morning.

 

Unfortunately, on my way home I got a call to say he'd fallen over . Luckily, there's absolutely no damage done - he'd tried to pick up a tissue from the floor and sort of toppled over.

 

Spoke to BB and mentioned my plan to give mum a good talking to but he pointed out that she would undoubtedly just fight back rather than listening to the painful truth and we'd be back at square one or worse. She's so irrational that it just wouldn't be worth it.

 

So I decided to push all the lies and accusations to one side and phoned her. She sounded awful, almost zombie like, but at least she was listening so I said that whatever she thought, I had never said I wanted nothing to do with her, I wanted us to get back on track so I could help her and dad. She said, plaintively, that she had no idea what was going on and was very confused by everything so I reassured her that I could help her if she'd let me. She's agreed to come to the nursing home to help dad settle in and let me take her to the dentist tomorrow too.

 

I'm going round at 10am to help her get a few of dad's bits and pieces together. She didn't even sound able to do that by herself .

 

So at least she's speaking to me for the time being - until the next bout of accusations .

[Guest]

i just don't know how you're managing to keep mind, body and soul together! thinking of you xxx

[Lesley]

Thinking of you today ANH - I hope it all goes well.

[Egluntyne]

Ditto ANH.

 

All the best.

[Tiggy]

how are you today?

[Tessa the Duchess]

I hope your dad's move goes smoothly today ANH and that your mother behaves herself

 

Tessaxxx

[Joojoo]

Thinking of you and hoping that everything goes well today.

x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks everyone .

 

Went round to mum's at 10am and she was already trying to sort out some of dad's clothes. No mention of her rant on Tuesday . She's presumably forgotten about it, so I suppose I have to as well .

 

Went to the nursing home and dad arrived eventually (held up by one lift not working at the hospital ). He seemed happy enough and we stayed for 3 hours to help him settle in. We got a sense of how much help he actually needs when he needed to go to the loo. We had to call for help . He had a tiny bit of lunch in his room (they gave us lunch too!) as he was exhausted by the move. He obviously needed a sleep so we left him at about 2pm.

 

The staff all seem really nice but we're still a bit worried that he'll be left in his room and not know how to call for help. He can't even really stand up without assistance. We rearranged his room today to make room for his (borrowed) wheelchair and zimmer but we'll have to change it again tomorrow so the call button is within reach of his bed and his armchair.

 

Took mum home. Organised for a new cleaning company to come and see her; checked whether the Council had received her Taxicard application - it hadn't so filled out a new form; phoned the optician to make an appointment to start the cataract procedure. She made a positive comment about my managing to organise these things (she'd tried and failed) so I said "as long as you don't think I'm taking over". She said she just felt useless and didn't like having no idea what was being done when I organise things without her being there. Fair point, I suppose, although I have always told her everything that's been done .

 

Took her to the dentist at 4pm (that took an hour, but I managed to have a snooze in the car in between dodging the traffic vultures, sorry wardens ).

 

Took her home and she did seem genuinely grateful for my input today. She actually said "you need a halo" - I don't think she was being sarcastic .

 

Still some confusion evident but her mood was vastly better than before. She did admit to having a bad day yesterday, missing dad and having a good bawl .

 

Taking her to see dad at 10am tomorrow then BB can take her in the afternoon when he gets here.

 

Very glad to have the "argument" dealt with (well, swept under the rug ). At least together, we can concentrate on making dad as comfortable and contented as we can for however long he's got left.

[WitchHazel]

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[Olly]

good news, ANH. Hope your dad settles in - it must be exhausting for everyone concerned.

[Egluntyne]

I hope your Dad settles in too.

 

Good news that your mum seems on a more even keel today.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I got a summons this morning - "we need to have a long talk". I had a knot in my stomach all morning wondering what was in store.

 

When I went round she was obviously winding herself up to lay into me but BB stepped in and methodically went through the list of things she had got worked up about & thought I'd organised behind her back. All of them had been done with her in the room with me . I was only there 20 minutes but I think we managed to defuse her. The "long talk" never happened.

 

She said to BB later that maybe I should just see her for lunch once a week. (Must I? ) At the moment, I feel like just leaving her to her own devices. If I offer help, I'm accused of interfering; if I don't, she tells everyone I "don't want anything to do with her". The words 'rock' and 'hard place' spring to mind .

 

Dad isn't great - very muddled and not able to do a thing for himself. Although, bless him, he managed to sing along to a Doris Day CD today .

[fairy&cake]

Good old Doris eh?

 

I really really feel for you. I've been through someting very similar to you. I dont really want to go into it, as its very distressing.

 

But i wanted to say, your doing fantastically, and theres nothing more you could be doing. Well done.

 

Your very brave,

[Olly]

Hear, hear. You are doing a brilliant job, and you are a loyal and supportive daughter.

 

Your mum's behaviour is not caused by anything you do. There is a big distinction between 'responsible for' and 'responsible to'. You're discharging your responsibilities towards your mum admirably. You are NOT responsible for her feelings. See her, don't see her - it won't change the way she is (but it may impact on how you feel).

 

I hope your dad is comfortable in the nursing home, sorry to hear that he's not in great shape but I bet he was pleased to see you. Thinking of you, hope you get a peaceful night's sleep.

[Egluntyne]

You are a star ANH.

 

I hope your Dad picks up a bit.

 

I am glad you have your brother's support re your mum.

[One Man Banned]

Vicki, I've just read through this whole topic as I hadn't dipped into it before today. I'm glad I didn't tho as emotionally I wouldn't have understood it but now I do.

 

It's a terrible time that you've had to go through over these past few weeks, and I really would love to give you a hug and say that you must be the one of the strongest people I could ever "meet". Your strength of character leaves me with a sense of joy, you keep going, and probably want to scream most of the time with your mum's behaviour.

 

I really do hope that your Dad settles down in the new home and that your mum too gets the help she so clearly would benefit from. I have had blazing rows with my mum and my brother especially - as for my dad, well that's a whole different story.

 

The good times will return - keep close to those you need to. This forum has been a wonderful place for me recently too. There are always people thinking of you that we never realise.

 

Take care hun, and sincere best wishes

 

A

xx

[Tiggy]

I hope everything settles down, you are doing a grand job