Guest Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 love and hugs V, got a lot on my plate but still thinking of you xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 love and hugs, still thinking of you xxxxx Ditto . No call from Mum today . Every time my phone went, I thought it would be her. Brother is coming tomorrow so maybe she's saving it for him . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fur 'n' Feathers Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Hi ANH. Just caught up with this after 2 weeks off the internet and can see there's little change. Hope you're keeping an eye on your own health through all this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 1, 2008 Author Share Posted July 1, 2008 Nothing major to report, just a blog entry .... I phoned my brother ("M") who has just spent the w/e with mum. She was no better really, still being very negative and talking about suicide. She can't decide whether to get her cataracts done - "what's the point if I'm not going to be here much longer". She's been visiting dad in the mornings (so much for the plan to go in the afternoons ) and seems to ask the staff every day if I've been in (she hadn't spoken to me for 10 days). M said she was very angry that I'd been in to speak to the home help agency (she'd got totally confused over what was happening after the home help didn't turn up one week, I happened to be passing so asked them and then told mum it was all fine). One significant change has been with M. He says he's getting increasingly fed up with it all and often wonders if he should just wash his hands of it. She phones him almost every day and every phone call is doom and gloom. He says it's really starting to get him down. I said I was worried that if I carried on not phoning her and she didn't phone me, it would escalate into a falling out. He suggested I call to confirm that I'm taking her to the eye hospital next Monday. Phoned and she was fine, quite chatty in fact . No mention of our not speaking for 10 days but no arrangement to meet made (except for next Monday). I think that's for the best. I've decided I'll only phone when there's something specific to discuss. I'm still a bit cross that she forgot my ES's 16th birthday . My fault really, I usually remind her but deliberately didn't as she was being so nasty. Par for the course really, she's never (I mean ever) bought either of my boys an actual present, however small (even when they were little). She gives me money for them but it would've been nice if she'd made a little effort even once in their lives, especially when they were small. And she wonders why they don't really have a relationship . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 hmm - so, no change really! It does sound as if keeping your distance is better for you, and no worse for her. It's interesting that your brother is now getting all the doom and gloom, and is fed up with it - you seem to have been putting up with it long enough! Sorry to hear that she's no 'better' but that would be expecting a lot. And I'm sad for your ES, but she's not going to change now. Probably better to try and keep some sort of relationship going, even if it's a bit distant - as you say, you don't want it to escalate. Perhaps she doesn't even realise it's been 10 days since you spoke - maybe as long as she can moan and groan to someone, it doesn't much matter who! Maybe we should set up some sort of rota - she can ring each of us inturn and have a moan, and we'll just tuck the phone under our chin and get on with things while murmuring 'No, how awful' a la Sybil Fawlty! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
..lay a little egg for me Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Hi ANH I have been keeping up with this thread but not posted till now as I felt I didn't 'know' you well enough. However, just wanted to send my good wishes and to let you know that my Auntie was v similar to your Mum...she didn't have any kids of her own so 'adopted' my sister as it were. My sis was incredibly attentive but just got a load of abuse for her pains (while at the same time being pressured by Auntie to move in with her). She also started the "whats the point of anything if I'm not going to be here..." routine about 8 years before she died. She accused my sis of not visiting when she had and all sorts. She managed to fall out with all her old friends and so my sis was really all she had and she was a saint to put up with all she got. So, sad to say, it seems not that unusual for elderly folks to get quite embittered in their later years and they just don't seem to be able to help taking it out on those who help them most (biting the hand that feeds as it were). It is really a second childhood, isn't it? The behaviour is so childish...you know, fighting and arguing with the people who love you most, being selfish, calling names...that kind of thing. It seems that having spent 20 years or so civilising children, about 60-70 years later it all drops away again! Keep hanging on and remembering that there are lots us out there rooting for you. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 2, 2008 Author Share Posted July 2, 2008 Bit upset today . Went to see Dad. When I arrived he smiled at me and said "I know your face but can't place your name". I tried to get him to work it out for himself but had to give him the first letter. He said "Vicki", I said that's right and he said "have you taken my Vicki's name?". I said I was his Vicki. "Really?" He didn't think I looked like "her" - I know I've had my hair cut but it's not that different . I thought maybe he was thinking of me a lot younger so asked how old he thought I/Vicki was. "In her fifties?" I'm "only" 45 . I mentioned Mum. He obviously now thinks of his mum when I say "mum" and he got quite tearful and upset (she died 40 odd years ago). I'm going to have to use her name and not "mum". He was very surprised to hear that I visit him every other day or so. At least that means I don't have to feel too guilty if I miss a day or two . The staff say he's doing really well, quite chatty and eating much better. He also spends a lot more time with the other residents which is great too. I'm now thinking that he maybe hasn't been sure who I am for a while but this is the first time it's actually been said. I think that must be why I got a bit upset by it . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Sorry to hear your latest news ANH, it's very sad. On the plus side, it means that he'll be a lot less aware of other problems and issues, and you can stop feeling guilty if you don't get to visit him as much as you would like. I wonder if he knows who your mum is when he sees her? I can imagine it would be very frightening for her to hear that he doesn't really recognise you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted July 2, 2008 Share Posted July 2, 2008 Oh Vicki I'm so sorry to hear that ... it's devastating when that happens, and there's nothing you can do but it's really scary to find someone you know so well, and have always known, suddenly thinks you're a stranger. It's almost worse when they then have flashes of lucidity and know who you are again. My heart goes out to you - at least he is well-cared for there, and contented. And as you say, he probably won't notice if you miss a day or two, so no need to feel guilty. Sending big virtual hugs ((())) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Sorry to hear that Vicki - as has been said, at least he is in the right place and being well looked after. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 Sorry to hear it Vicki. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted July 3, 2008 Share Posted July 3, 2008 I'm so sorry Vicki, that must have been so sad for you. I don't know what else to say really. Take care. Ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 7, 2008 Author Share Posted July 7, 2008 Dad seems to know me again so that's something. After phoning Mum last Monday and her phoning me on Friday to confirm I would collect her from the eye hospital today, I got there and she didn't react to my arrival (I haven't seen her for 2 1/2 weeks), not even a hello, and said "I didn't know you were coming" . She says the doctor told her there's nothing that can be done for her eyes and no point in doing the cataracts. Who knows if that's accurate or not? I took her home and as well as making "Ooops, word censored!"y remarks about my Dad's mum and other relatives, she talked about moving to be near the sea (Findhorn near Inverness was mentioned - suits me ). I didn't like to say "what about Dad?". She got out of the car, saying nothing. I watched to see she'd got into the house safely and came home. I'm not looking for a medal but a thanks would have been nice. The phone rang just now and when I answered it, someone hung up. Dialled 1471 - it was mum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jess Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 Sounds like you are going to need this cycling holiday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 <> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 Definitely sounds like you need your holiday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessa the Duchess Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 Still a nightmare situation isn't it So sorry to hear the latest. I guess you just have to go with the flow and take each day as it comes. Agree you are well overdue for that holiday. Keep your mobile turned off Tessa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 7, 2008 Author Share Posted July 7, 2008 The phone rang just now and when I answered it, someone hung up. Dialled 1471 - it was mum. On reflection, I bet I know what that was about. She was probably hoping I was out and she could leave a rude message with one of the boys demanding something . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 So sorry about yr Dad; it's worse for you on the "outside" than for him, as he seems relatively happy. Yr mum, well, she's consistent!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 7, 2008 Share Posted July 7, 2008 ANH, I am sorry to hear your ongoing worries and stresses. It must have been horrible to hear your Dad speaking like that and not knowing who you are. And then to be so rudely dealt with by your mother as well. I hope you can take a deep breath and carry on - again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 I can't keep up with this . She's so unpredictable and changeable . This morning, we found an envelope put through the letterbox. It was a note saying thank you for yesterday and reimbursing me for the parking (with £10 ... it was only £1 ). We were obviously in so she deliberately avoided seeing us. I then got an email, very happy that a parcel of clothes from the psych hospital had arrived (only about 3 months later) and thanking me for chasing it up (I didn't ). I phoned her and we talked for half an hour. She was fairly bright and chatty. No plans made to meet up but we parted on reasonable terms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 That smacks of 'too proud to say sorry to your face, but I am sorry'. I'd accept the 'apology' and move on. At least that way you might feel less stressed by it all. Sending supportive thoughts to you . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 She's on another planet ANH - that may sound unkind, but what she says or does bears no relation to what you have done or said. I think your childhood must have been extremely confusing if she was like this when you were younger. Like Ginette says - accept the 'apology', move on, and just don't expect her to acknowledge it next time. Roll on that cycling holiday - I think if you can cope with all this, you're going to have no problems negotiating Italian hotels and road-maps! Sounds like you're used to finding your way without any signs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 What a roller-coaster for you ANH Good idea to accept it as an apology - and a good way to move on. This is probably one incident you could look at 'fondly' - if that makes sense? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 A couple of examples of her irrational thinking have come to light recently. She told me a while ago that her only friend was moving into a nursing home - now she says that's not actually happening. She was away staying with family, and says she may move into that home at some point (she is 87 after all). I reckon mum heard the words 'nursing home' and managed to make the rest of the story up herself. She also said yesterday that she is getting the cataracts done. She's on the waiting list for a cancellation. So why oh why did she say the doctor told her there was no point in getting them done? Attention and sympathy seeking, I suppose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
