Ain't Nobody Here Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 I was feeling really Christmassy yesterday, after a lovely time with Sparkysmum and her family at the German market and some successful Christmas shopping. Now, I just feel fed up and nearly on the edge of tears . I arrived home yesterday to find the biggest pile of dirty dishes ever seen. "Ooops, word censored!"ody ever thinks to do the dishes unless they're told to . I left them (plus last night's dishes). I did some this morning as I couldn't stand it any more and we'd run out of mugs, OH did at least do the rest. I've checked the last posting dates and I've missed all the foreign ones . I'm usually more organised . Today I have the job of wrapping the presents that need posting and writing the Christmas cards. OH never ever helps with any of that - thinking what to buy, wrapping, writing cards, nothing (although he did pick a book for his dad - I bought it ). Maybe it's my fault - I should just ask him to do it but I've been doing it for over 20 years. I'm thinking of leaving the envelopes for "his" friends and asking him to write them at least. Also, I haven't seen my mum for 3 weeks and have only had one very short phone call. I'm getting anxious about it all now. I'm trying to prepare my "speech" for when/if she ever calls. My view now is that because the last time I saw her she was decidedly cool towards me (not a first), I should let her decide when she wants to speak to me. She obviously doesn't. OH says I'm as bad as her and should just call. She's been complaining to my cousin (who I'm not at all close to) that "we don't get on" and blaming my (deceased) god mother (long uninteresting story) and I've just had enough of her complaining, exaggeration and blatant making up of things. My brother is with her this w/e but tbh he's pretty hopeless and doesn't tell me what's going on. I need to see him before he goes up north again to give him his kids' presents (and his 50th) so hope to find out what her state of mind is then. Also, I don't know what mum's doing on Christmas day. I've got the in-laws (who are lovely) coming but honestly don't want her here . I'm hoping she'll spend the day with Dad but she hasn't said one way or the other. Sorry for rambling on and on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwing Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Oh dear! I am really sorry you are having a bad time, its the time of year when the weather is rubbish, the streets are busy and its been months since your last holiday and things do seem to hit harder than usual. Start with your mum, forget the speech - you don't have to justify everything you do or don't do, once that one big thing is out of the way things will be easier. As I always say 'eat the frog first' ! (everything else afterwards will seem easy in comparison) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fowlbird Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 big hugs! ((((Ain't "Ooops, word censored!"ody Here)))) quietly point out to your OH that dirty crocks are the responsibility of everyone there's nothing to be done now about the foreign cards - write Happy New Year on the envelopes and post them anyway... blame the postie for their lateness too many families rely on one person to all the work of xmas - point out to yours that unless they pitch in xmas may very well not happen in your house as to your mother... if your situation is anything like mine was then you've nothing to reproach yourself for, it's her view of you not the real you. I suffered from my parents for far too long then I realised that what ever I did would be wrong for them so I backed away. Now I send a card and a pressie to my dad at xmas and that's the extent of it. where your mother spends xmas day is her responsibility not yours - if she says at the last minute that she's coming to you tell her it's too late - you have other stuff organised it might sound as if I'm lecturing you but that's not how I mean it - I'm speaking from experience here - if it's all too much for you step back a bit - it's good for the rest of them to go without xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chelsea Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 I know exactly how you feel. Its sometimes feels that things are really on top of you at Christmas, we have to do everything dont we??! My OH also does nothing to help me prepare at Christmas, last weekend on Sunday I sat and wrapped 75 presents.....he came in and sat down and started to fall asleep before I told him to go out somewhere as he was doing my head in. Try to take a step back, relax a bit and think to yourself "it will get done when I get around to it". Dont worry about the forgotten cards, I find if I worry too much I make myself ill and end up in bed over the festive season. Go and watch a happy film that makes you laugh, eat loads of chocolate and wind down a bit - laughter is very good therapy! x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poachedegg Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Good advice from the others - I have a non existent relationship with my parents too - however, I much prefer it that way at the moment! I am probably not the best to give advice apart from don't try and second guess others - it will drive you mad! Get that film on and put your feet up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missuscluck Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Vicki big hug from me too. As to 'familly' chores, I often find that it seems to me that it usually comes down to good old mum to carry these out. I often have a 'family conference' where I reel in my lot and point out it is not actually my responsibility to pick up sons undergarmets, socks, do all the dishes etc... etc...etc... At which they all nod and apologise and things are good for a day or so then revert back to normal! I dont give in though and keep on trying. It is frustrating when you step out of the house for a while and come back to a big pile of chores. I think christmas on top of the usuall day to day stuff gets a bit stressy when you dont feel there is any help from the rest of the family. Make them help Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fowlbird Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 I have this vague thought that at one point xmas didn't happen because I just couldn't do it on top of everything else... you know what the biggest protest was about? the lack of decorations since then OH has gradually got in to the habit of helping do the decs if nothing else and this year youngest will be cooking xmas or boxing day dinner... normally xmas day is spent in front of my laptop watching the entire series of Desperate Housewives and we don't bother with a traditional dinner but as she offered... yesterday I had a frantic phonecall from Santa in who just happened to be in Tesco's... was this year's DH series 3 or 4? It looks like he has that one in hand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Delegate Delegate Delegate!!!!! Easier said than done - I know I buy all the presents (including most of mine ), wrap them all and deliver them. I write all the cards and post them. I put all the decorations up and when it is all over I take them down. But this is my choice - its either that or do up the horse lorry / do the dog poo run in the garden / pressure wash the green off the patio BUT do not be a superwoman - ask for help - its the only way. And as for the situation with your mum I dont think there is one amongst us that doesnt have problems with family (anyone want a brother - going free ) so all I can say is BIG HUGS - relax and Delegate Delegate Delegate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fowlbird Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 anyone want a brother - going free I already have a perfectly good brother but if yours isn't too bad then I'll swap him for 3 quite nasty and "Ooops, word censored!"y sisters... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 anyone want a brother - going free I already have a perfectly good brother but if yours isn't too bad then I'll swap him for 3 quite nasty and "Ooops, word censored!"y sisters... I think you'll find that would not be a good deal as far as you are concerned. I have tried selling him on ebay - but they dont accept livestock and he keeps on getting back to me through freecycle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 Makes me realise my brother's OK really, he just doesn't communicate well . Feel a bit better now. Got all the presents wrapped ready for posting, all the cards are written (and I've left 11 envelopes for OH to write . Can't think of the last time he wrote one, he'll have forgotten how ). Still got piles of ironing and a Christmas cake to marzipan (nothing like leaving it till amost Christmas Day ) but reading your posts has cheered me up a lot. Thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 You are entirely welcome Get OH to make supper whilst you are ironing - or at the very least run you a bath / make you a cuppa (large g&t?!!?!) to have after you havce finished the ironing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlo Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Hugs from me too Vikki and I go along with the advice given by the others. I tried delegating today...I was taking DD and friend out and said to OH, "In about one minute, the washing machine will stop. Can you please take out the clothes; put them in the tumble drier and press the start button?" (Yes, I had to explain this!) I cam back in; OH was out and the washing was still in the washing machine. One **** thing I ask him to do!!! Good job I love him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Hi Vicki; re the overseas stuff; it's lovely to get a present in the middle of January, an added bonus in a dreary month....(i send late every yr..) Re the dishes, well nothing new there, altho' I've only just crawled out of bed, we're all ill, so theres dishes and laundry all over the place, and none of us care. Re yr mum, try not to stress it over, she's obviously getting great enjoyment from the situation, so you've made one person happy!! without trying.As long as yr dad is ok, thtas all that matters. Hugs from here, virtually, so no risk of infection!! Happy Christmas!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KimmyCustard Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Poor you ANH, you do seem to go through it with your mum! I would echo what the others have said, there is only so much you can take from her, you do all the worrying and upset and nothing changes from her end! I agree with whoever said DELEGATE!! My OH is great and likes Xmas but nothing would be festive if it wasnt for me! I decorate, get food, post cards, decide what to buy for presents and wrap them. However, if I ask him to help, he will, he just needs instruction and pointing in the right direction. Ask for help from each family member, foot stamping always works for me. He hasnt spoken to his ED for over a year (aged 15), my brother is about to ask his girlfriend to marry him (she's a nightmare) and our central heating now wont switch itself off! You have my sympathies and a cuddle on way................. Kimmy x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 Help, it seems I really am not alone in the "prepare for Christmas all by myself" and "nightmare family" stakes . My brother has been round and says mum has been very variable this w/e. The dark days and bad weather don't help - she was always bad at this time of year anyway. Strangely, she hasn't been saying that I've not been in touch with her . More strangely though she says I've been phoning her (sometimes late at night) and telling her she's hallucinating . No I haven't . She's spending Christmas with dad so I'll just see both of them at the home in the morning if I can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Do you think a light box would help your mum (would she even entertain the idea?) - these long dark nights dont help any of us - and we can all do with as much help as possible. (my brother is already engaged to potential wife number three........... he is not even divorced from number two.......... ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fowlbird Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 that sounds a lot more relaxed, ANH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fowlbird Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 my brother is already engaged to potential wife number three........... he is not even divorced from number two Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 told you anyway ANYONE WANT A BROTHER - FREE TO A GOOD HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Him Indoors does all the Christmas day cooking....only fair really , as I do everything else. He does write about 6 "important" Christmas cards. My writing isn't "good enough"" for these, evidently. Children whose ages are in double figures are entirely responsible for bringing their own dirty washing down. If it ain't clean....tough. Adult children are expected to bring in the coal and wield the vacuum cleaner at Egluntine Towers over the Christmas period too. No parents in law left now, but I still get flashbacks to awful Christmases when the remote control had to be hidden from MIL because she would turn off whatever the children were watching ( and isn't it all done for the children anyway) so that she could watch 'Murder She Wrote' She was obsessed with this bloomin' programme. The theme tune is enough to send me into a state of cataplexy to this day. I hate Jessica Fletcher. Re the offer of a brother ftgh.. No ta. I've got 4 already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fowlbird Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 The theme tune is enough to send me into a state of cataplexy to this day. I hate Jessica Fletcher. oddly enough I love that programme, even more oddly... I can't stand Jessica Fletcher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 The theme tune is enough to send me into a state of cataplexy to this day. I hate Jessica Fletcher. oddly enough I love that programme, even more oddly... I can't stand Jessica Fletcher Now that is odd. The two seem to be irrevocably intertwined. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fowlbird Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 put it down to the fact that, not having TV, we don't watch it except when we're on holiday so I have these fond memories of when it first came out and it's only when I've watched the episode that I remember how irritating she is. I very nearly went to Cape Cod just because of that programme. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 I'm glad you're feeling a bit better Vikki. You know what gets me is that I do all the shopping, choosing, wrapping, sending cards etc. He cooks Christmas dinner and expects praise for it all year Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
