Snowy Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his SweatShirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' Liverpool .' And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------------------- 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour ----------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! ----------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooks Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mostin Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Love it, especially the instruction manual bit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooks Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I liked number 4 best.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 There will be a backlash! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christian Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 There will be a backlash! Of course! Sorry - have to smile and not laugh... I like the "Why do little boys whine" one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooks Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 the instruction manual one is spot on as well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickvic Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I loved all of them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy chickens! Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Thanks for sharing, need a bit of light relief today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Very good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfamily Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 very funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phonix Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwing Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Great! I love the 'Dear Lord' one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 Don't worry - I'm prepared for the backlash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purplemaniacs Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Brilliant , made me laugh after a long evening at a paediatric first aid course. Chrissie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlo Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Don't worry - I'm prepared for the backlash Thanks for the giggling - and loving the peeping sofa smiley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard T Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Three Women were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! ...God gave her big arms and strong legs and she was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second woman prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river' Poof! ... God gave her a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and she was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two women, the third woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.' Poof! ... She was turned into a man. He checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your husband told you to! --------------------- A minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled out and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were still hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.' --------------------- Five Rules for Men to Follow to a Happy Life: 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who you can curl up with and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other -------------------- Why it is difficult being a man. Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage with equal roles... So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the egg on the plate, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time lucky" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached? "Here, my love. Enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg." --------------------- • How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. • Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. • Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." • How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. • Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. • What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. • I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. • Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called the Wedding Cake. • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ---------------- Why Do Men Die First? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework... you're a wimp. If you work too hard... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy bottom and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you... its equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks.... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet... it's male indifference. If you cry... you're a wimp. If you don't... you're an insensitive so-and-so. If you make a decision without consulting her... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you... she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy... that's domination. If SHE asks you... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a pervert. If you don't... you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're sexist. If you don't... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain. If you don't... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers... you're after something. If you don't... you're not thoughtful. If she has a headache... she's tired. If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often... you're oversexed. If you don't... there must be someone else. Men Die First Because They Want To! ------------------------ What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They're moody. 8. They leave hair everywhere. CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Touchay! (love the one about men breaking wind more than women ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Wonderful ! I must just copy this to DH, he will chuckle....and agree with many of the latter set no doubt Sha x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickvic Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 That's very funny! I like the one about breaking wind the best too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 oh no, I like the one about cats best! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geoid Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 HARD-DISK Woman She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER! WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her. EXCEL Woman They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs. SCREENSAVER Woman She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun! INTERNET Woman Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!! SERVER Woman Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her. MULTIMEDIA Woman She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful. CD-ROM Woman She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!! E-MAIL Woman Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense. VIRUS Woman Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Living dangerously Fred????? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
