4m x 3m Omlet pen, cube, new auto door still boxed and coop light

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Whilst on holiday we went to visit my sister-in-law and 3 of our 4 nephews/nieces (she and my brother are separated so we don't see much of her but we get on fine).

 

We were chatting about me having traced my natural family a few years ago and general stuff about that which she didn't know when she mentioned that my brother (also adopted but from a different family) had had some members of his birth family visit him and had even travelled to Jersey to meet the rest of them, including his birth mother.

 

Now, I knew that a half-brother had traced him and got in touch a couple of years ago but he's said very little about it since.

 

I cannot believe that he hasn't told me about this. He knows that I've been through a very similar experience. I told him when I met my family and he knows all about my half sister and my birth mother both having died since I met them.

 

I am completely at a loss to understand why he hasn't told me. There is no conceivable reason why he wouldn't. We are in touch at least every 3 weeks when he comes to stay with our mother and he comes round for a chat every time he visits her. We sometimes speak inbetween too.

 

It's not enough that he has made no attempt whatsoever to help heal the rift between me and my (adoptive) mother, despite having that power, he has failed to mention a huge event in his life which he knows I would at the least be interested in and at most be really pleased for him. I am also almost the only person he knows who truly knows what it feels like.

 

My SIL described him as "emotionally constipated" and cited a couple of examples of his behaviour while they were married. I now feel really sorry for her and can totally understand why they split up. He is a really nice bloke but obviously just can't deal with relationships and what they entail.

 

I think I have hero-worshipped my brother all my life and overlooked his lack of emotion and commitment to our family as a result but I now feel totally let down, dismissed and unimportant.

[chickencam]

I feel for you.

 

Some men find it very hard to give of themselves, I was wondering how old he was when he was adopted into the family and if he has some emotional damage from pre-adoption.

 

Families can be so difficult.

 

Please try not to take it personally, you sound like a very giving person but not everyone is, and often they just don't realise when they are causing hurt.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks, Liz . I know he probably has no idea he's caused me any grief but I still just can't understand why he wouldn't mention it, even in passing. All his kids know and have even spoken to their "new" family and have received cards from them.

 

He was adopted at 6 weeks, as was I, so that can't be a reason . The only other reason I can think of is that we were both at boarding school from age 7. He hated it whereas I was happy enough and have no regrets (in fact I think it was a blessing as it meant not being brought up by our mother ).

[Lesley]

Perhpas he didn't want to hurt you, given the different circumstances for you both?

[Egluntyne]

Perhaps he thought that you might have felt betrayed/left out if he was to meet them and didn't want to upset you.

 

Maybe it wasn't the joyous reunion he'd hoped for, making it difficult for him to talk about.

 

Try not to take it personally.

 

Could you bring the subject up with him and tell him how you feel?

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I think he knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't feel hurt or betrayed. I know it's technically nothing to do with me (as we aren't "related") but I still thought we were close enough for him to share it with me . We have shared a lot over this past year what with our mum and dad's situations.

 

He met one sibling plus wife (who apparently fell down his stairs and broke her leg ) at his home and presumably that went well enough for him to decide to travel all the way to Jersey to meet the rest of his family. By all accounts, there is plenty of contact with his kids so it can't be all bad news .

 

I know you're all right that I shouldn't take it personally and that perhaps he has a good reason (in his mind ) but I still can't think of one good reason why he shouldn't have mentioned it.

 

Did it not occur to him that his kids/ex-wife might mention it ? He knew we were visiting them.

[Guest]

He sounds very mixed up about all of this?

Look at it from his point he doesnt seem to know what is the right way or is it a man thing? or is it because it all causes trouble to him and could possibly hurt you too?? Not sure?

For your SIL to share some not so good thoughts sounds like he has issues

 

A friend of mine was adopted (female) and she grew up knowing the only reason she was adopted with her blood brother was because the adoptive family wanted a boy and they had to be adopted together. She always felt unwanted not unloved as they were kind adoptive parents.

 

Years later she tried to trace her mother via social workers who sat in front of her with her huge file and she felt they had power over her whole life in that folder...she had lots of meetings to get the info about her mum(whom she suspected was a prostitute etc etc) by the time she found out due to social workers slowness of info her mother had died...and all she wanted to do all along was to give her mother some flowers. She ended up at her mothers graveside. She is a really grounded lady who turned out well & had no bitterness to her cirucumstances. In fact we all use to think if we could have had wealthy parents what a different life we could have all had(we even had a good laugh about it all)

 

Tough subject families, I entirely agree with the old saying you can choose your friends but not your relatives.

 

Families drive you nuts at times dont they indie

[Space Chick]

Just a thought ANH but maybe he's feeling guilty in some way, because you have lost your half sister and birth mother since finding them. So he's found his family but you have lost some of yours.

Edited August 2, 2009 by Guest

[Seagazer]

I think to me it sounds as though he probably didn't want to upset you. I thought at first it might be a typical bloke thing where they don't think to share their thoughts, emotions etc (I realise this might be a generalisation but women tend to share more). But I think that given that your birth mother died, he might have felt it was insensitive to talk to you about his meeting all of his birth family.

 

I'd just have a chat with him and say that SIL has told you what has happened and just talk about it with him. I'd try not to feel upset with him about it.

 

I have to say that sometimes when we visit my MIL my OH switches off completely and doesn't take in a single thing thats going on and doesn't realise sometimes that comments have been made that could be upsetting so perhaps your brother is the same?

[Happy chickens!]

I would say if typical bloke that he would have no idea he would upset you by not keeping you in the loop - he may have just thought it didn't work out, so why involve you?

 

Of course it's something to do with you, life is about shared experiences even if not related by blood - if he was a friend, you would expect to hear about such things, so I can totally understand you feeling hurt and angry. Probably no point having a row about it, but as the others have said, mention it in passing.

[majorbloodnock]

Years ago, when my father died, I coped with by distancing myself from several emotional "risks" whilst I sorted out my head. This included not baring my soul with my mother, despite the fact that she (having obviously just lost her husband) wanted to deal with her loss by trying to move closer to me. I know this seems off topic, but my point is that whilst my mother wanted to be privy to what was going on in my head, she had no right to it. It was very distressing to her, unfortunately, until she came to terms with that fact, but once she did, she realised I'd open up if and when I was ready. I did, in fact, do so later on, and the fact it was unforced brought us closer together.

 

I know it's unpalatable, ANH, but what's happened to your brother are his experiences, and his feelings about them are something personal that are his to do with as he wishes. It's obvious that, were you in his position, your reaction would be to share with others. However, just because he chooses to react differently doesn't mean he's wrong, or that he's intending to hurt you.

 

I suppose what it boils down to is that I believe everyone has a right to the privacy of their own minds. If they're going through an emotional upheaval, it can be hurtful for others who're close to realise that person wants to make the journey on their own, but they have to be allowed that choice.

 

I'm by no means certain I've expressed myself adequately here, and certainly don't intend this post to be offensive; if it comes across that way, I apologise.

[Plum]

I can understand you feeling hurt ANH but you heard this second hand and perhaps things have not gone as well for him as first appears. Which may be why he has found it difficult to tell you.

More likely as others said, perhaps although he would know you would be delighted for him he was trying to save you the pain you would feel reflecting on your own situation.

 

Give him hell that's what sisters (blood or not) are for.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Major, you (and all you others) have expressed it very well. As ever, it's so interesting reading all these different answers which help you see things from lots of different angles .

 

I suspect I've over-analysed everything, expected him to behave as I did and have taken it too personally when he didn't (I should have known - he has a track record of non-communication, after all ).

 

I still feel hurt though. I have no hang-ups about my sister and mother dying and wouldn't have felt any kind of jealousy towards my brother having a "whole" family - I'm just grateful that I met mine in time. I only had 6 weeks with my sister but I suspect I would have felt a lot worse if I'd traced them and she had already died.

 

Apparently, there is a strong family resemblance (which there was between me and my mum - to the shock of the rest of the family ) and his mum has always carried a photo of him around with her. I find that so fascinating and positive, I just want him to share it with me (although I know he won't talk "feelings" just facts!).

 

I'm going to phone him today and just ask about it casually. I wasn't planning on a big row (he doesn't do them, unsurprisingly ) but I would be interested to know if there was a reason he didn't tell me. He probably won't even know that himself .

[xScrunchee]

I think that's the best thing to do-getting it out in the open.

Who know's why he didn't talk to you about it? Perhaps you'll find out when you ring him, or maybe you'll be none the wiser but at least you will have made the effort to chat with him about it all.

 

Best of luck to you and I hope that you get the answers you are seeking.

[Chickvic]

I have no advice ANH but thought I'd send you some (((hugs))) my DH's family are pretty non-commital when it comes to feelings and things and it is so different to my family. Luckily I met DH when he was young enough to bend to my will

[Happy-Mama]

nothing to add, sounds like you are taking the right approach. Just sending more hugs

[Alis girls]

You know he probably has forgotten hes not told you. Some people just dont realise that they havent informed those close to them what has happened. No disrespect to the male of the species but they are the worse and my OH often forgets to tell me important things and I throw a strop as you do He willl probably be mortified when he realises the hurt. Chin up ANH and lots of hugs and positive vibes

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Well, you were all right . I saw my brother this afternoon and asked in a lighthearted way why he hadn't told me about his birth family. He admitted that he's finding it quite hard to deal with and as a result deliberately hadn't told anybody. His eldest daughter lives with him and so obviously knew. He had told her not to tell anybody but she told her mum and the rest of the kids (fair enough really). He told me quite openly all he knows about them (it was about a year ago he met them). I think he feels that the fewer people know about it, the less he has to confront the issue.

 

There is clearly also a lot of animosity between him and his wife (he usually doesn't say much about it) and I think he worries that she might use it against him (maybe even telling our parents which would be a complete disaster).

 

Anyway, we joked about all the other things he hadn't told me (like my niece being Head Girl ) and I sent him off with strict instructions to keep me informed .

 

In a nice twist, guess what his birth sister is called? You guessed it - Vicki .

 

Strangely, my birth mum was called Jennifer and my brother's wife is called .... Jennifer .

 

On another note, I have an update about my mum too which I'll add to my other thread (in a while though as my friend is coming round with her pets that we're looking after while she's away - cute bunnies and hamster photos to follow .)

[Egluntyne]

Not so bad after all ANH. He just needed his own space to deal with it all in his own way.

 

Am glad that it hasn't come between you.

[Couperwife]

im glad it wasnt as bad as you thought, and everything is out in the open

 

(((hugs)))

 

cathy

x

[Seagazer]

That must be a relief for you, at least now he knows that you like to be 'in the loop' so to speak.

[xScrunchee]

Well done for bringing up the subject in a light hearted way even though you were feeling so peeved.

 

And what a lovely outcome!! Really pleased for you