Chicken bald back

[jlo]

I have just had a good read through this thread and probably can't add much of any originality.

 

I think that if I had been forced to take a parenting test before having kids, I would have failed! OH and I, like many others, muddle along trying to combine commons sense with fairness.

 

We had a pact that we would be consistent with our rules and that has been the case (with one exception when OH insisted that DS get a haircut and I was on DS's side because it really wasn't that long. I showed OH a picture of himself at the same age and he backed down!)

 

I have tried to avoid the, "because I say so," explanation that I sometimes got as a child. If things are heated I will suggest that we continue a discussion when we are both less fraught.

 

I think that, however you bring up children, you have to accept that they are all totally different. I like to think that I have brought up both of mine the same but DS is as laid back as you can find and DD drives me to distraction on a regular basis - go figure!!

[Couperwife]

I think the "because I asked you to" statement is acceptable.

 

I teach classes of about 20 - 30 students, and sometimes I need them to do something - like hand out the folders, or swap seats, or take a message to someone, I dont have to justify my reasons for asking the student.

 

most students happily do stuff with out asking why, its the awkward ones that argue the point.

 

I think parenting must be one of the hardest jobs in the world

 

children ask why, why, why, or just say no, but never consider it from the other side. its only when you get older do you realise that the other person had as many rights as you do.

 

sorry, going off on one there

 

ill go now

 

cathy

x

[Tiggy]

I escaped the convent school thank goodness,

I went to a convent school in Barnet for 10 years!! Actually, it wasn't too bad. However, discipline was high on the agenda, but then so was being kind and considerate to each other. Boarding school in Bedfordshire was a million times worse. More like a prison camp.

 

 

my OH went to boarding school & loved it, my friends husband went to the same school & would get arrested if he ever did what he wants to do to the place . Funny how our own perceptions of the same thing can be so different

[henriette]

You're absolutely right, and thank goodness we do have different ideas and views

[The Dogmother]

The thing is.... theer are no hard and fast rules; different things work for different parents and children, but I still think that some basics should be there...decency, moral and manners to start.

 

Cathy, the hard thing about parenting is that emotions are more involved; it's different whe they are yours.

 

One thing that the ex and I agree on is consistency in parenting; we had very different upbringings but insist on the same basics, which is just as well now that Madam is playing us off against each other!

[jlo]

I think the "because I asked you to" statement is acceptable.

 

 

 

cathy

x

 

I think that that statement is different from the context that I meant it and agree with you.

 

If I ask my children to do something, I would expect them to comply without arguing the point. (and to be fiar, they usually do!)

 

"Because I say so," can be a bit of a lazy reply when a parent doesn't want to be bothered to explain. That's how I remember it from those far off days when I was a child anyway!

[BarbaraJ]

The thing is.... theer are no hard and fast rules; different things work for different parents and children, but I still think that some basics should be there...decency, moral and manners to start.

 

Cathy, the hard thing about parenting is that emotions are more involved; it's different whe they are yours.

 

One thing that the ex and I agree on is consistency in parenting; we had very different upbringings but insist on the same basics, which is just as well now that Madam is playing us off against each other!

 

i think that was the best thing we agreed on, sticking together and when we didn't hear what the others answer had be we made sure we asked the child first and if they said dad said yes and they were lying big trouble. They always got in more trouble for lying about things than when they owned uo however bad they were.

 

yes there are basics, be polite always, be considerate and helpful to others. Our favourite saying when they were younger was ' if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing'

[Tiggy]

I've been so lucky, having step children it could have been difficult but once they were both old enough to understand they accepted 'no' if we explained why, and asking rather than telling them if I needed help with anything, " please tidy your bedroom, we have friends comming to stay" or " Dad may inspect your rooms this afternoon to see if you should have any pocket money this week" bribery worked a treat

[Cinnamon]

Bringing this up again,so I can tell you what I witnessed in Reading today

 

A youngish mum, maybe early 20's, so not a teen,but still young, with a pushchair carrying a crying little baby & a little girl of about 4 years by her side too.

The little girl was going 'Mummy,mummy,mummy' with some distress,which is what made me notice them.

 

The mum couldn't (or didn't want to) hear either the baby nor the little girl BECAUSE SHE HAD AN IPOD ON

 

It truly beggars belief

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

I was working with a group of kids (with parents on hand) last week where one mother saw fit to pounce on her child with a bark or a threat every time she showed enthusiasm or enjoyment or initiative, which made the child 'play up' which the mother saw as a justification to grab her by the scruff in front of everyone, implement 'naughty corners' in front of everyone and lecture her aggressively in front of everyone. It was nothing short of mental abuse. Subtle at times, totally irrational, and persistent. She was the kind of person who'd present as ever so normal and Country Living reading and wannabe yummy mummy until you actually saw her interact with her child. It was heartbreaking and I can't get my head round why she was doing it.

[Seagazer]

It makes me want to cry when I see children being mistreated.

[Old Speckled Hen]

It breaks my heart the way some littlies are treated. They are never going to remember the warmth of love and growing up in a safe cuddly family and what's more they will never learn those same parenting skills to use with their own. My parents were poor and my sister and I went without many material things but I was brought up with so much love and care my childhood memories will warm me to my grave. Don't get me wrong, I'm not harking back to the romantic days of The Famous Five et all with rose tinted glasses but what IS wrong with some of today's parents. They have no patience and no interest in their children. I despair!

[The Dogmother]

It breaks my heart the way some littlies are treated. They are never going to remember the warmth of love and growing up in a safe cuddly family and what's more they will never learn those same parenting skills to use with their own. My parents were poor and my sister and I went without many material things but I was brought up with so much love and care my childhood memories will warm me to my grave. Don't get me wrong, I'm not harking back to the romantic days of The Famous Five et all with rose tinted glasses but what IS wrong with some of today's parents. They have no patience and no interest in their children. I despair!

 

Couldn't agree more.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

They have no patience and no interest in their children. I despair!

Sadly, it's not just today's parents . I didn't know at the time but that's the kind of parenting I had. Thankfully, I've not used those "skills" with my own boys.

[Rhapsody]

well said ANH

For some of us, being ignored was a good day, and I'm an old lady..

[chickenNutter]

ChickenNutter Guide to parenting

 

1. Treat everyone including small people as you would want to be treated - with respect

 

2. Ensure that that respect is in proportion to their age/experience/behaviour

 

3. Be firm - you are not their friend, do not have to please them, can say 'No' as often as you need to

 

4. Set a good example with regard to manners/behaviour/respect etc, but try not to appear as a paragon of virtue - ensure they see you being unreasonable/slightly drunk/in the wrong, at least once in their lives to avoid them putting you on a pedestal. If not it will only lead to a lifetime disappointment the time they catch you out.

 

5. Be consistent

 

6. No means No

 

7. Accept that they will fall from grace from time to time, and are not perfect - just like us.

[henriette]

The ChickeNutter Guide to Parenting seems like a pretty good one to me

[majorbloodnock]

Certainly implied in ChickenNutter's list, but I think it's worth stating explicitly.

 

• If you want a child to do something, particularly if it's not strictly an obligation, phrase it as a proper request; preceded by "please" and succeeded by "thank you". Just because one is in a position where one can tell children what to do doesn't mean one should do so.
  
• If you make a mistake or find yourself in the wrong, apologise. That speaks volumes to the child about their worth in your eyes.

 

I also happen to agree with the point about friendship with your children, but here I won't wrap it up in a blanket comment; I'll just say my views about me. I believe my fundamental goal as a parent is for my children to become healthy, kind, morally responsible and socially and emotionally well-adjusted adults. If they end up like that, I've done my job. If they happen to like me as well by that point, I'll be overjoyed, but if I had to choose between the two, the former must win every time. Fortunately, I also believe that everything I do which successfully gets them closer to that goal will, in fact, help both causes, so I doubt I'll ever have to make that choice.

[chickencam]

I think that the repect point is very important. Too many people feel that they can give a child a rude command. Saying please and thankyou leads by example, as does apologising when wrong. It is possible to be both firm and respectful.

[Happy chickens!]

I always found this tip when trying to deal with awkward child, leave out the please but include the thank you so you have set up an expectation that your command will be carried out, eg 'remember to put your shoes away, thank you' and it's less of a request.

 

I agree with MBN about being a friend to your kids comes second, but hopefully they like me as well as respect me!

[henriette]

my fundamental goal as a parent is for my children to become healthy, kind, morally responsible and socially and emotionally well-adjusted adults.

This should be the goal, and I think often is , but circumstances out of our control can and do arrive, upsetting the balance and changing the goalpost somewhat. Perhaps this is when parents cannot always cope and things fall apart