The Dogmother Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am?” Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are." 2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 5. Back in the 1800's the Tate Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tate's is lost!" (just say it quickly several times) 6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." 7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." 8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lewis Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 *wooshes straight over head* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 *groans* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majorbloodnock Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Firstly, a reminder rather than retyping. Next... A couple visited rather an exclusive restaurant which specialised in seafood. The Head Waiter introduced himself as Gervais, greeted them warmly and told them about the day's specialities. He also indicated the large aquarium in the centre of the restaurant containing a wide range of marine wildlife, and said they would be happy to catch anything that took their fancy and cook it in whatever style they wished. The couple were interested in the tank, and the man spotted a small, light green squid with bristles just above where its mouth appeared to be. It seemed to be rather a nervous sort of creature, sitting quivering in a corner, but for some reason it got the man's appetite going, so he requested that. Gervais accordingly rolled up his sleeve, plunged his hand into the tank, retrieved the squid and marched into the kitchen. There, he put the catch on the work surface and picked up a mallet ready to dispatch it. However, he caught sight of the squid's frightened eyes and hesitated. "This is ridiculous", he thought, "I've killed thousands of fish; why should this one be any different?". He tried again, but once more found he couldn't do the deed, so, remembering he had a customer waiting in the restaurant, he called over Hans, the kitchen porter, and asked him to kill the squid. Amazingly, the same happened again. Hans tried several times, but each time he saw the squid's plaintive eyes, he faltered. All this proves, then, that Hans who does dishes is as soft as Gervais with mild green furry-lipped squids. Don't worry; taxi's already called..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyBoo Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Brilliant. All of them. In the most AWFUL way BeckyBoo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
..lay a little egg for me Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Oh no! Claret's were bad but the Major's is simply awful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Couperwife Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 to all of them major - yours was fab cathy x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Can't match them - very good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Space Chick Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 The shrinking patient, the viking and the majors made me laugh out loud. Thankyou Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geoid Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 *groannn* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saronne Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Ha ha ha! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted March 31, 2010 Author Share Posted March 31, 2010 All we need now is Paola to add her trademark giggle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 I'll have to PM her and make a request! I love her weeeees - that's Paola that is! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
