The Dogmother Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 Subject: FW: The work of Steven Wright If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a "Ooops, word censored!"el Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,... but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. And an all time favorite- 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theherd123 Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I love no 15 - must share that one with some people i know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christian Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 they are all really good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Thanks, Clare, I enjoyed those. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 No.8 is my favourite - I love rainbows! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I forwarded this on to a Stephen Wright I know who is a scientist and asked him if he was 'the one' and here is his reply No, but from some of the quotes, I kind of wish it was! I particularly like numbers 6, 21 and 30, though 2, 18 and 26 are also worthy of consideration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I really like these. There is something for everyone there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bronze Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 no 8s been stolen Dolly Parton is supposed to have said that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...