Solitary chicken - need advice

[chuckmum6]

I have a dear friend who is really struggling with her grown up son, she is at her wits end and I really don't know how to advise her any further. Son is very manipulative and a huge drain on her finances (she has recently retired), he has bummed around used his mother and a few girlfriends to bank roll him, never held a job down and has been unable to manage money or indeed any part of adult life. He racks up debts, smokes like a chimney and drinks, he gets very depressed and is constantly demanding money and his mothers time. This is making her ill and is putting a strain on her long tem relationship (sons dad had nothing to do with the family since son was 12), son is in his early 30's but is like a spoilt teen. Mum has in my view made a rod for her own back by being to quick to bail him out, she has always picked up the pieces, paid off the debts. Son seems unable/unwilling to listen to reason, he has stopped taking medication and is behaving appallingly. I have suggested she tries to get him to a doctor to sort out the meds, she ignores the 'emergency' texts and phone calls, he is about to lose the job her partner has bent over backwards to provide, as he can't be bother to turn up. I feel she needs to employ tough love and leave him to it, but she is worried he might do something stupid. I also suggested she sees a councillor to help her cope. It is all risking her health (which is poor) her relationship and her financial security for her future. I have little else I can do beyond listen and watch this perpetual circle continue as it has for the last 15yrs or so, any suggestions welcome.

[Patricia W]

I do feel for her and for you watching this downward spiral of both of them. Could you offer to go to the GP with her? Is he/she also her son's GP? I'm sure that if you went with her, you may be able to provide an objective perspective and make sure she isn't fobbed off.

[C&T]

I agree with your approach of tough love and leaving him to it - but that is very easy for me to type, and a whole other story for your friend to actually implement.

 

What a horrid situation all round - no-one sounds happy, including the son.

[chuckmum6]

She is desperate to find someone to help her and him, I too do feel, however that it does lie in her adopting tough love, which much easier to say than do. I don't know beyond a GP can advise her, especially as son is not a child. I only have one young teen myself, as my children are still young, so I don't have first hand knowledge of adult children.

[Plum]

What about a bit of practical help for him. Citizens advice can point him in the direction of help with managing debt, paying off minimum amounts etc., or going bankrupt but she can still be there for emotional support. In the end she'll have to say no but still be supportive and there if only to take his grief, in the long run he'll learn responsibility.

 

She's going to be so scared he'll harm himself but she needs to be able to talk about that to him and help him by providing food and a roof over his head not paying off debts. It's tough love and she needs to tell him how he makes her feel, otherwise it'll carry on forever. Easy to say not easy to carry out. Will she take this sort of advice from someone? I'm sure you've said it or thought it yourself. She's going to have a hard time whether she deals with the situation or lets it carry on. If she can be brave, he might find a new way to live.

[sadietoo]

I really feel for your friend but ultimately it is her son who needs the help to accept responsibility for himself and as others have said part of that will be tough love on her part. it sounds to me like he needs some CBT or other counselling to help him recognise his downward spiral and do something about it alongside the meds he is receiving (albeit not taking). she'll need to push because imo mental health issues lag behind everything else in the NHS. In the meantime you are doing a fab job to support her I am sure...and that's exactly what she needs to get through this tough time.....sending hugs...

[merlina]

Relate do family counselling as well as the 'couples' work they are better known for.

It might be worth contacting them and seeing what they suggest.

if they can help, then perhaps it's time for an ultimatum - go to counselling with her or he gets no more help.

The counselling may ultimately move into them being seen separately or just him being seen, but it sounds like they would benefit from a mediator

 

It sounds like he's very very angry about something, perhaps his dad leaving, and doesn't know how or where to express it.

[chuckmum6]

Thanks all, I agree with all the advice, he has had help/therapy that mum paid for, with little effect. I feel that drugs may have played apart at some point and may still do, mum thinks it is possible. He is in total denial about his problems and is capable of presenting himself as perfectly normal to everyone, but his mum? When he doesn't turn up to work he s full of excuses and 'remorse', but he has never held a job down despite 5 yrs of degree level education, he has always been let go. Even though he hasn't had income he has holidays, numomrous cars he writes off, fags and booze, nights out paid for by mum or which ever girlfriend. He then has the cheek to moan about how poor he is and how unfair it is he has never had a nice house of his own !!! That drives me mad! He just wastes the chances he is given and only has this job as a favour from her partner.

He currently has been provided with a house with six months rent paid for by mum, as well as another car, he pays his wages (whilst he is in work) to mum, who then gives him daily/weekly fuel and food, bills and spending money etc plus more. He had been living with mum and her partner, but that became impossible.

I feel she has removed all responsibly - as he can't manage money and wouldn't pay bills or debts, but then why would he as she always bails him out. She can't bare to see him get into a state, but I feel he has to, if he is ever to grow up - mum isn't going to be around forever. I have said this gently to her, she agrees and says she has tried tough love before. They are 3 months into the 6 months rent, after which she says she can do no more. I don't think she will be able to hold fast, I do understand she is terrified of what might happen, so he has control over her here. However, she is in danger of losing her partner and damaging her health, she has to say no and stick to it.

[Plum]

She does and I do feel for her. Stuck in a real nightmare and the only way he will change is by going down further but that would be so hard for her at this stage.

[Patricia W]

I really do think that her doctor should be the first port of call as he/she may be able to refer her to some specialist counselling help.

[chuckmum6]

Yes, that was what I advised her, I feel she also needs support too.

[chickenanne2]

Sounds like he doesn't stand on his own two feet because he doesn't need to. To be very harsh, in some ways your friend has enabled him to live like this, for the last 30 years. For all the best reasons of kindness and care. Horwever this 6 month period has given him the ideal opportunity to learn how to be independent, which he hasn't taken (so far); it sounds like your friend is doing a great job in really trying to sort him out.

 

Why does your friend think he'll harm himself if she stops bailing him out? Sounds to me much more like emptional blackmail rather than a severe mental illness. BUT I've no experience of severe mental health problems (ie of the kinds where suicide is a real risk) - if hh suffers from that type of condition then could you contact mental health charity to get some advice? Even leaflets from GP surgery might help.

 

She can still be there to give him emotional support, just remove the financial help. I'd be inclined to try and get her to tell him that after the 6 month rental period expires that's the end of all financial help from her, including luxuries like holidays, cars, nights out, and essentials like bills, rent, and food. At the same time, it sounds like the lad has no respect for the job opportunity given to him, and as such I'd be tempted to allow his unreliability to loose him the job. He clearly doesn't want it anyway, and it's unfair to your freinds partner (and any work colleagues) if the lad is treated differently from any other employee.

 

What does your friends partner think?

 

I agree with you that some tough love is what's needed here, but your friend will no doubt need the support of her partner and you, especially if he is as manipulative as it sounds; after treating him this way for 30 years it will be very hard to break the habit.