Solitary chicken - need advice

[Alis girls]

Now have coped with first days at school, teenage years and first girlfriends but uni is looming and today whilst hoovering the pit (aka ES's bedroom) and searching for a missing mouse (computer) I found the knitted toy bunny dusty and stuffed down side of bed still wearing hospital band from one of his frequent ops as a child. Blub blub - later over a cuppa with OH I lamented I wished he'd chosen London uni and not Bristol or Nottingham - not a million miles away but I cant say how bereft I feel. I've been ratty and grumpy for days now - i think its the big M, work and demands of teens but I feel so worried. On the one hand I left home at the same age and never went back and survived - well sort of - I'm still in one piece. OH didnt do uni and lived at home for years. Is this normal to feel so tearful. Apparently its worse with 2nd, 3rd etc. Help!

[bluekarin]

I would be interested to hear about this too. ED is in Yr 12 so Sept 2015 she will be off to uni, all being well. She isn't looking at ones close to home, she is after going to Durham! Or Cambridge! I keep having moments thinking about how it will be at home when she has gone, and how it will be for her away. I think I am more worried as she is reliant on wheelchair and crutches and I would worry about her getting stuck out and about and not being able to get back to her digs. DS also wants to go to uni, not sure where yet, but he won't be off until 2017. I am not so worried about him, though will miss him when has gone. YD isn't uni material, so I am sure she will be here for much longer. Then again, maybe she will leave around the same time as DS. I was 18 when I left home to move in with my now hubby. I guess I just need to get in the mind set they will be adults ...... which is scary!

 

Hope you are feeling a bit more yourself again.

[Chickendoodle]

It's perfectly normal and you will miss him like crazy.

 

I think you have to go through a type of grieving process when your children leave home as you have to start the next phase of your life. You are still a mother, just on the sidelines a bit more.

 

I have a fantastic relationship with my adult daughters but I still desperately miss the time when they were little.

 

You bring your children up so that they can set out on their own, when they do you miss them and you also realise that you are getting older. All of this makes it a very difficult time.

 

Once all of your children have gone you really need to find something to do to occupy your time - find a new hobby, join a gym, volunteer for a charity......

 

Also it is worth reminding yourself that some people are not so lucky to have children who are able to leave home and would love to change places with you. You won't be any less sad but you will also feel a bit thankful.

 

You won't ever stop worrying about your children and it is very, very difficult when they leave home.

[soapdragon]

Oh goodness bless you! Mine are 6.5 and 9.45 and I am nearly in tears sympathising with you! Its only natural but I guess you just have to let them go and trust that you have instilled all the relevant values ets, etc!

 

Don't feel bad - let yourself 'mourn' the 'old' life but, equally, look forward to a new chapter for all of you and send them off with love!

[Cinnamon]

I 'lost' my eldest to Uni, then my youngest moved out a year ago also, when she was just 18. I felt horrid.

I didn't expect my youngest to go so quickly & it was like a sort of bereavement really...the loss of my girls to the big bad world.

 

But........& this is a BIG but.......you get used to it very quickly

I go out, come home & there is still food in the fridge. The housework gets done & stays done & the poor washing machine is finally getting a break

 

I see my youngest every week for a coffee, or lunch & a chat. She has grown into a wonderful young woman & we are so proud of her for working revolting hours in order to maintain her independence at such a young age. She has coped with money issues, being mugged, man trouble & other things admirably.

 

My eldest has blossomed too & when she comes to visit it is wonderful, but my goodness it is odd having someone else in the house! She is now working at looking for a job so that she can live in her Uni area permanently. He house contract runs out in August & she want to be able to live up there. I suspect a man may be involved!!!

 

We feel that a new chapter of our lives has started & are looking forward to making a bid for our own independence in a couple of years time when the mortgage is finally paid off!

We have fantastic relationships with our girls & chat to them online or on Whatsapp every day.

 

So yes, it will be odd for you, & for your children too, but that will pass & very soon the odd bit will be when they come home

[Ain't Nobody Here]

My ES has just finished 4 years at Uni (I am totally flabbergasted at how quickly the time has gone ). YS is going into 3rd year so not long to go there either!

 

I dreaded them both going (I worried about how they would cope and how much I'd miss them) but as they are both only an hour away, we see so much of them, I've not had time to miss them . They have both managed admirably and it's been so good for them.

 

I agree with Cinnamon that the benefits are pretty good - half the amount of shopping / cleaning / washing / ironing!

 

I'm lucky that ES is now home - he is totally housetrained and is a pleasure to have around . He is now looking for a job (another traumatic time ) but is considering doing a post-grad and staying at home.

 

It will be over before you know it so just try to enjoy their journey into independence .

[chickencam]

My ED is just coming to the end of her second year and DS will be going to uni in September results permitting. ED was so ready to go, she needed to be independent in much the same way that I did at her age. She was in halls for the first year and has flat shared with 2 other girls for the past year and has loved it. I can't see her living at home for any length of time once she leaves.

 

My daughter is only in Bristol which is 40 miles away, with a railway station just one street away that brings her virtually to our door, but we only see her on e every couple of months. We chat on Skype once a fortnight or so and on Facebook a few times a week. I don't miss her half as much as I thought I would, ok we still have two others at home at the moment, but we have found that we have just started moving into the next phase of our lives. We spend a lot more time going out just the two of us and have started updating the house after it has taken the rigours of family life.

 

My DS is hoping to go to St Andrews which is 396 miles away, 10 times as far away as ED has been, but I suspect that we will see and speak to him not much less often than we have with her. I will miss him because we are very much on the same wavelength and spend a lot of time chatting and debating.

 

It will be weird only having one child, we are 3 year away from YD going to uni. We have a great relationship with our children, I am really enjoying watching them become happy independent young adults.

 

You will get used to it very quickly. I have found that if they are happy I am happy.

[Lewis]

Seeing this from the other perspective, its just as strange to move 3 hours away from home, be put in a flat with 8 strangers who will become your best friends and expect for it all to be normal!

 

It was expected that we'd all do A-levels and go to Uni and I loved the freedom and independence of Uni, made some of my best friends and still see them more than some school friends - even though they live 3 hours away and school friends are round the corner! but now I'm settled at home and for the first time I have to make proper decisions which will affect my life or career.

 

Last year my brother and I were both at Uni and Dad was working away Monday to Friday so Mom had the house to herself in the week which I think took some getting used to. Thinking about it I probably only rang home once every 3 or 4 weeks and texted at other times but I'd go home every few weeks or my brother would come up to see me a couple times a year.

 

I moved home last summer when I graduated, found an unrelated office job to keep me busy and start saving money and at the moment I'm planing on going back to Uni this September!

[Angie]

I was told it was quite normal to feel like this when my DD's left home for uni , then married.

It seemed no one understood how I was feeling. All my friends were celebrating the fact their children were off to greener paths on the challenge of life away from home.

I couldn't for the life of me feel excited or joyful. It was awful and painful . The eldest at least came back and stayed till she got married at 25 , but the youngest never came home and she is doing just fabulous. But all I can relate it to is going through a bereavement. Yes part of me had died! My wonderful girls had grown and were setting out on the road of university life, then married life, motherhood and everything that comes with it and I felt dreadful. And it lasted much longer when YD left.

My heart goes out to you and very gentle ((((hugs))).

[bellekatz]

I have been lucky in that both ED and YS go to a Uni only 20 minutes away - though they don't live at home. I always thought it was important for them to learn to fend for themselves and make their own decisions. ED hated her first year Halls but was happy in her student house in her second year which meant I didn't see as much of her. This year she is on an Erasmus year abroad which means I have only seen her for two weeks in the last 9 months and 3 more still to go. It's been good for me as we haven't had as much contact as its been too expensive - doesn't stop me missing her though. YS came home to do his washing at first until he worked out how to use the machine at hall and now he has a new set of friends we don't see him as often and I am expecting that to be less again next year. It's been hard, especially when the house is so quiet, but more animals and work have kept me busy and I do relish being able to do things on the spur of the moment as well It gets easier but i don't think it ever goes away!

[Alis girls]

I think it was the sight of his rabbit which set me off. Chatted with him last night and told him that bunny (he doesnt have a name) wanted to go to uni too but only after a ride in the washing machine My son wasnt sure if his street cred would survive bunny going too and was shocked to hear that the said cuddly bun had already been in the wash before after being puked on We had a giggle about it.

Thanks for your replies - i do feel reassured and look forward to a full fridge even thou YS is fast taking over as the food hoover.