Will hoey

[patsylabrador]

I suppose it's because Christmas is coming up and I don't know why that makes a difference but it does but the thought that it's nearly two years since I've seen most of my FOO or birth family or whatever the correct term is, is on my mind.

I'm writing on here just to let the feelings out I think.

About two years ago there was bit of a blow up and instead of being normal me and following the party line I gave a clear and concise account of my opinion. That caused all sorts of drama and I've been quite stunned to find out that when the subject is my brother I am not allowed, even as an adult to in anyway dishonour him. I didn't like his behaviour or that of my parents and I was not permitted to say so. I tried for about a year to open discussion but they just ignored my texts and emails. Last Christmas I tried again and sent an ecard which was about regeneration and hope but that got ignored as well.

Since then there has been nothing apart from a meaningless birthday card.

I know what I have to do to stop the silent treatment, I have to apologise and state how lovely and kind and truly wonderful my brother is. I won't be doing that. I was curious to find out what was more important to my parents - their relationship with me or my opinion of my brother. Clearly they can't get over the latter. I'm not a victim, I have systematically cut myself off from most of my family now and plan to keep it that way. "Ooops, word censored!"ody misses me, there have been marriages and births and parties that "Ooops, word censored!"ody has told me about. My sister ( who is apparently as nasty as me) scratch around to find out what's happening.

The funny thing is that I've never been happier, I feel more relaxed and confident and more myself than I ever have. I've discovered a truly lovely friend in my sister. We didn't know each other growing up in the same house, divide and conquer was the name of the game and we distrusted each other which I think is very sad. I would never go back to my family now, it's like my parents' big sulk has released me from some pressure I didn't know was there.

If you've read through all this thank you.

[gavclojak]

Isn't it funny but there seems to be a recurring theme with mothers/brothers!!!

 

My friend and I have a very similar stories, our mother treat our brothers like little soldier boys. My mum always favoured my brother, she says it's because she was alone with him for a few years before I came along?? He still lives at home, has never worked and never contributed to the household income but if he does anything such as take the shopping from the car to the house she calls me to tell me! I sound envious of him but I really don't, mother has ruined him and made him dependant on her which she wallows in.

 

 

My friends mum "pays" her freeloading son to do jobs around the house...I would never make my kids feel there was a favourite NEVER

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Brothers and mothers, don't get me started .

 

A sad, sad story but one you seem to be successfully rising above . If they aren't bothered about you, forget them, it's their loss.

[Cinnamon]

Can I just say FATHERS & Sons too

 

My Brother, who is 10 years younger than me & the baby of the family, is hero worshipped by my Dad,& it got to the point where he (my Brother) could not fathom why he wasn't hero worshipped by my sister & I too.

There have been a number of little incidences...I couldn't go to his wife's baby shower so she un friended me on Facebook, I couldn't go to the babies first birthday party as it was my daughters 18th that day, so he un friended me too

Then I started to get a lot of dropped phone calls, spam emails & a whole bunch of P.P.I stuff through the post. I sourced the P.P.I stuff to an umbrella company who told me when I had 'signed up' for their literature...it was half an hour after the wife un friended me on FB, & came from their IP address

 

This summer I declined to send his son a birthday present but did send a card. My Brother sent me a vicious text message saying that he wanted nothing more to do with me as, & I quote, I always put my Husband & daughters above his family. Go figure!!!

 

So I have decided that I don't need his pettiness & negativity in my life. I feel a LOT better for it too.

I feel as if a weight has been lifted, & I am glad that everyone else here who has been through the same & come out feeling better has too.

[Valkyrie]

Join our ever growing club. Although I "get on with" my mother (on my terms now) she still tries to tell me what to do. I'll be forever 6 years old I think! And my brother is still the wonderful son - shining out of the proverbial bottom however badly he has behaved. But I agree - cut the ones causing most stress out and once the guilty feeling subsides (why do we get it and they don't?) then much happier. Wasn't easy at first but mum made her choice (badly) and there's nothing I can do about it and I have now accepted that. But when I go and visit and there are no photos of my children and his daughter's photo is on my mum's bedside table then I start to stew a tad and then I wonder if that's just mum playing me - which she has done so many times in the past. So I don't rise to the bait. I hope that makes her miffed!

 

I still dread her funeral as I think I'll be a target - if I'm "invited" and the things that go on afterwards regarding estate. I think I'd have to involve a solicitor to act on my behalf so I don't deal with brother and his nasty little wife. On the other hand all that has been promised to me in the past has been given to brother without asking me first. So it's just material and I'd like to wash my hands of it all and then the evil part of me says - hmmm just what sister-in-law would want, so I'll just dig my heels in to be awkward. Besides, although I am comfortable in my own savings etc., I would like any inheritance to be divided between my children. They count. And my dad would be mortified/turning in his grave if they were not included. Oh dear stressing just thinking about it all. Just goes to show - it isn't over till the fat lady sings!!!

[Guest]

My parents favour my youngest sister who is the most insane selfish being to ever walk the earth but my other sister and myself are not fit to shine her shoes.

 

I divorce my abusive wealthy husband after 14 years of marriage as I couldn't take any more abuse and my GP was involved but my parents treated me like scum.

 

My youngest sister left her husband after a year to bunk up with his best friend yet she was pampered and spoilt by my parents.

 

Myself and middle sister have given up, it is not worth the heartache we suffer to involve ourselves with our parents above the odd phone calls, visits on birthdays etc.

 

Families are a PITA

[gavclojak]

One thing I have taken on board is to count myself extremely lucky in the choices my kids have made with their partners. All three are amazing, totally different characters but each one I wouldn't swap for a million pounds. We have been on holiday together and shared some amazing times and all 8 of us are off to Mexico together in April. I count my blessings everyday.

[Alis girls]

I do feel for you and admire your bravery. I'm an only child and having seen what families do to each other I am glad. I was chatting to my aunt about an aunt of my uncles who they helped care for - had every Christmas and believe me she was a difficult old coot. Then some cousins weedled their way in - sold her bungalow and pocketed the money from the will. My aunt was told by someone in the family that this couple werre trouble. How some people sleep at night I dont know. As for black sheep in the family - I seemed to have a flock of the devils in my family.

[soapdragon]

My father has always been very controlling. He is 6f 3' so physically very overbearing and has a foul temper which he vented on mum, sister and I. In short he is a bully. I did not have a happy childhood and was always scared of him; it has really clouded my whole life, looking back.

 

When I started to see certain patterns of behaviour repeated with my boys some years ago I finally saw red and told him, in no uncertain terms,very forcefully where to get off. He accused me of being unbalanced (well, tell me something I didn't know ) and we havn't spoken since. He was at mum's 80th party but I avoided him as did OH and my boys, bless them!

 

I feel so much lighter and happier (apart from the fact that he still has mum under his thumb) and wish I'd told the miserable old ****to ****** off years and years ago Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean that you have to like them Sometimes you just have to move on.

[chickencam]

My parents excommunicated my paternal grandparents when I was about 19. They were fed up of what they saw as controlling behaviour. My grandparents did like to comment about things and try to take over but I managed to control that by politely asking them to back off a bit when I first lived with my OH only 40 miles away. Obviously I didn't see what went in when they lived closer to my parents when I was very small but by the time the split happened they were 150 miles apart and only saw them a couple of times a year. The catalyst was then visiting my OH's parents on the way back from a visit and when they got home and called to let my parents know that they were home safely they had the audacity to comment that OH's parents had a nice house. My mother took this as 'but you don't' which was not how it was meant.

 

My grandparents tried several times over the years to build bridges, but my parents felt that now I had left home they had no obligation to continue the relationship. I was piggy in the middle saw both sides but became very close to my grandparents because we lived much closer to them and saw them on a weekly basis. My gran died broken hearted and my grandad lived for another 14 years and it was a constant source of sadness to him. Fortunately he saw our children regularly and watched them grow up which helped him a lot.

 

My parents have been closely involved with the cantankerous elderly couple next door for a couple of years, helping them and being very neighbourly which I respect them for but I do wish that they could have done more with my grandparents. I have seen both sides and I am not particularly close to my parents but I would not break contact unless something really horrible was said or done. I can see why a lot of you have broken contact with family members, there are some very valid reasons, but there are always people who are pulled both ways in these situations.

[Alis girls]

I agree and you only ever hear one side. I am struggling at present with family stuff. Went thro enough of this when OH's dad died. Having got myself very worked up about things I have now decided what will be will be and I cant change anything. My uncles illness (see my thread) couldve been avoided if he'd gone to the doctor months ago and my aunt is also at fault for not nagging a bit more. However he is a grown man and she I think has emotional issues. I think this may be down to either her father who was a religious fanatic who wanted boys and got 2 girls and a grand daughter or possibly some form of autism not recognised then. I know some couples show no affection but I have never seen them kiss hold hands or anything. Bizarre - its amazing I turned out as normal (sound of sniggers from all on forum)

[chickencam]

Don't worry you are in good company here, this is the most normal place in cyberspace