Storms and chickens

[Willow]

Last 2.5 years have been rather awful due to problems with my brother. He died this summer which has been inevitable the last year. His problems caused splits in the wider family that I had hoped couldn't start to heal but his will and the way it is being handled by one of my sisters who is his executor has horrified me, and are in danger of causing the splits to be permanent rifts. She won't listen l've raised my concerns and I have been told it's none of my business. I'm worried I'm going to have to chose which members of my family I continue to have contact with soon and as the innocent parties in all this it will be my brothers children.

 

My youngest will be heading off to uni very soon so an empty nest is looming.

I'm really struggling to get focussed on work, freelance work from home so flexible but I don't have the discipline of an external office. I feel like I'm letting my current client down by not getting on with his work.

 

My already poor sleep patterns have got significantly worse.

 

We're just back from a few days camping which was nice but all the sorting of stuff comes down to me, I can ask for help but I have to ask for specific jobs.

 

Right now I'm feeling a bit weepy and fed up with everything. I'd like to not be the person responsible for sorting everything but years of trying to get my husband to take on responsibility for sorting stuff means it just doesn't get done so one of the reasons I do more flexible freelance work is so I'm not trying to do it all as well as full time work.

 

Realistically I know it's the wider family situation making me fed up not the rest and I can't do anything to improve that.

 

Not really sure how to get out of this mood.

[patsylabrador]

I've read your post carefully and would like to say something positive. The best I can do comes from my rather warped position of already removing myself from a large portion of my family. 4 years on I accept that while it seems harsh it was the best thing in the world to do. Some of the tangles have been removed from my life and everything is more clear. I can focus on what I need to do much more easily. I feel no guilt because it's also shown me the value of me. We are referred to as 'the London lot'. So I would say go ahead, make that decision and prune your family tree. It doesn't have to be forever.

I can also add that the empty nest does not stay empty nearly long enough. Mine's filling up again!

If you live near London for goodness sake get on the river bus. After London Bridge it flies along and you feel alive with all those views and that history. I find it very therapeutic.

[Willow]

Thank-you Jude, I'll be in London soon for work, I will make sure I schedule my day to do the river bus, I love the river and a blast along the river sounds just the thing to distract me temporarily

[Grandmashazzie]

Hi Willow,sorry to hear of your difficulties. I think if you are having major stresses with family problems it impacts hugely on everything else.It disrupts your clarity with work and your own relationship. It also eats away at your physical energy and leaves you at a low ebb. I would take time out with huge sheet of paper and put down problems. Then look at what you can do to alleviate them.If as you say you are concerned re will,you have made your point. It has been ignored so as PL says draw a line under it and strike it off your sheet. Look at next issue e.g.nephews,nieces . Don't know issue but can you ring,write,let them know you are thinking of them. You have then done something and wait see what they do.Work way down list and try and do something positive in each case and as PL says try and enjoy beauty around. Hard to do when your mind is in a tangle. Try the usual sleep stuff,no TV computer,hour before bedtime. I love Lavender oil on pillow. Dr Stuart does some good go to sleep herbal teabags ,breathing exercises. Xx

[patsylabrador]

Yes to oils! Every morning without fail I put on five different oils. It's taken me years to find the blend I love but the journey has been fun and the ritual of applying them is calming and luxurious. My current favourites:

Avocado

Camellia

Sea buckthorn

Lavender

Raspberry

They must be cold pressed pure stuff.

No more expensive than pre-prepared serums and so on and just self indulgent joy. I truly believe it will help you.

[patsylabrador]

Willow, you've always been so kind to me on this forum and I don't like to think of you being sad so i thought I'd tell you about this time when my son was in the police. They were chasing down some suspects who they caught with those amazing police dogs. But, there was one dog who didn't find anyone. His handler asked my son to hide so that he could be found otherwise the dog would be sad all night. He hid behind a tree and got found, the dog got lots of praise and his favourite toy to play with so everything was right with the world!

There may be a moral behind that, I don't know but it gives me a smile when i think about it.

[Alis girls]

I do feel for you. Families are hard work. I am in process of trying to clear dad's house with hindrance from my aunt who unlike me lives near his old house. She thinks she's helping and seems to be in a rush to get the house sold. Unfortunately as dad did nothing by halves it's not gonna happen anytime soon. Prune away I would say. Sending you hugs. Xx

[Willow]

Ah Jude, the police dog story made me smile, moral definitely 'be kind and everyone is happier'

[soapdragon]

Willow, I am sorry that you are having a rough time. However, I love the 'prune the family tree' expression. I cut ties with my dad some years ago and, whilst I agonised about it at the time and felt very guilty and even went into a funny sort of mourning, I knew it was the right thing to do. I came out the other side and, whilst I still feel a bit sad, I know that he was never going to change his behaviour and the fact that I didn't have to put up with it any longer has made me feel lighter (emotionally, sadly, not physically )

 

I know what you mean about being 'the sorter' in the family If I didn't organise holidays, etc then nothing would happen and its very frustrating. However, I tell myself that, this way, I get to go where I choose and that's some consolation.

 

Finally, I am sure that some people feel bad at this time of year...personally I love the autumn but I have several friends who get really down, citing approaching cold weather, dark evenings/loss of light. Do you think this may be SAD (seasonally affected disorder??!!) due to less daylight (something to do with melatonin production?) You can get special lamps/bulbs to sit in front of to help counteract this - just a thought?!

 

Hope you feel better very soon - hugs.

[Blackrocksrock]

Hi Willow - Every family I know has similar situations and they really can bring you down - but as said draw a line under it and just go your own way. My step sister has not talked to me since my mother (adopted child), her stepmother died 13 years ago! Over a will - My mother lived with us for 15 years and my stepsister lived in England while we were in North Scotland - she thought her once a year birthday visit was enough for her to get what my mother had left - this was a paltry sum as my mother had never owned a house and was 96 years old. I gave her some lovely ornaments my mum had had in her room and she had already given her jewellry to her step grand daughters many years ago. I decided after she left that day that it was actually a blessing that we were not seeing her as she stressed me out so much. I have since heard through another family member that she lost her husband but I have never been told.

We are obviously the black sheep of the family but I like it that way! Take care of you and go on that river boat - it sounds really lovely and will be great fun with the wind in your hair.

 

BTW I am the sorter and general dogsbody around here too - my other half has retired but does not seem to do anything at all !! or what I can see anyhow - I was up at 6 this morning and off to the town 16 miles away to buy a part for our boiler which has been broken for 2 weeks - do you think he could arrange to do it = I then came back home and went to work!! Men!!

[Willow]

I don't think it's the time of year as I like all seasons and do like the excuse to get cosy in the autumn.

 

Cutting off family members would be easier if it was just the one person but it will lead to a bigger split with many people not knowing the full story. Before the problems with my brother we were a close family and it's horrible seeing it ripped apart as a result of one persons alcoholism.

 

Re not sleeping I've tried a multitude, not yet tried essential oils so I will give that a go. Each thing helps for a while but doesn't keep working

[mullethunter]

Willow I'm sorry life's getting on top of you at the moment.

 

As seems to be common amongst women on this forum (and I mean absolutely no disrespect to any men here or otherwise) I'm also the one in our relationship who does all the sorting, organising and arranging. I keep thinking that maybe one day OH will surprise me with a big romantic gesture of some sort, but it's never going to happen.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure his will help because you've probably either already tried it, or know it wouldn't go well, but have you talked to your husband about how you're feeling and the moment? Failing that do you think perhaps it might help you to talk to someone professional? Sometimes hat can help you get a different perspective on things.

 

Apart from that just try to pick out all the small positives and tiny moments of pleasure in your life, and remind yourself that you WILL get through this time and there will be better times ahead.

[patsylabrador]

That is the part I struggle with most. To justify their actions my parents must have said some awful stuff about me. My mother was willing to sacrifice my sister and when I wouldn't pick sides I can only assume she said bad things about me. In my case the parents will always be believed, it's natural and I can't fight that. I asked for time out for everything to calm down and what I got was complete ostracism. I can't fight that and have had to accept there will be collateral damage. I think a lot of my family believe I am evil but not one of them has actually cared enough to ask me what actually happened.

What can you do? You move on and love the friends and family that love you back.

[Willow]

Thanks all, feeling a bit better today after your kind words of support

 

Started tackling the towering heap of paperwork and found my vat return is due today so I know my main task this afternoon!

 

Realistically I know being the person who does all the sorting will never change and anytime I get tempted by a permanent job I need to keep in mind I need the flexibility to be able to keep my sanity. Freelance is not easy especially as I hate the searching for new opportunities but it does let me take some time out when I need to. I spent my boys younger years working incredibly hard at work full time (plus some)as well as home and I think I burnt myself out then.

 

Family I can't fix, just want to find a way of keeping the peace without having to sacrifice my integrity and as Jude says move on and love the family and friends that love you back. Not easy but what else can you do.

[soapdragon]

I have just 'sorted' a few days in Bruges in Feb half term. The insurance came through to my e mail addressed to MR Soapdragon. I emailed them back saying that I had researched it, I had organised it, I had paid for it, I would be packing for it and, in the unlikely event that anything went wrong, I would be dealing with it so would they PLEASE put the policy in my name!

 

If it was up to Mr Soapdragon we'd all spend half term on the sofa playing with tablets (in my case prob Valium!)

 

Hope you are feeling chipper, Willow!

[mullethunter]

My birthday on Friday and I've booked the day off work. Has Mr mullethunter booked / organised / sorted ANYTHING to do at any point during the day?! What do you think!!

[Willow]

Turns out some of my feeling under the weather was due to gallbladder problems which on reflection have been escalating the last 2 years as I soldiered on. Resulted in emergency admission and it whipped out - just in awe of the NHS workers from NHSdirect operator onwards. Ironically only bit that didn't work so well was when ambulance deposited me at a&e and waited with me as long as they could I was then neglected for a while due to the chaos caused by and the demands of the too vocal drunks and addicts.

[chickencam]

Hope that you are now physically on the mend. Take this as a sign that is time to look after you.

We too have family issues ongoing this year. Started with BIL's divorce which is acrimonious and ongoing followed my my dad's cancer diagnosis and subsequent ill health as a result of treatment then my cancer diagnosis now rapidly deteriorating health of inlaws, MIL in particular who I am very fond of. I feel so helpless, we too are new empty nesters and the timing interns of care for MIL should have been ideal but I start my chemo this week and we have done what we can in advance of this but the rest is down to BIL and her 80 year old sister who both have problems of their own but are much more local. I have just had to say that it is time for me to be selfish now but it is hard.

I hope that you find a workable solution to your family problems and that you start to feel more positive soon.