Tessa the Duchess Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 You have my utmost sympathies Cinnamon, I wouldn't go through the teenage years again for anything. I found it really difficult to impose sanctions on my eldest son who was a total nightmare for 5 years. He was grounded more times than I remember, but he still had to go to school, and he would just not come home after school, and stay out until all hours I was at my wits end with him. The most important thing I found was to try and maintain some sort of communication, I started watching Eastenders and following "Ooops, word censored!"nal football club just so that I had something to discuss with him that he was interested in I agree that the 'way' you talk to them is very important. Instead of saying "You know I love you but....and then going on at length at how awful he was" I used to reverse it. Get the rant over and end by saying "You know I will always love you" so that is the last thing they hear and hopefully remember. I read somewhere that a teenager will exhibit symptoms of all the main serious mental disorders in a 24 hour period, due to hormonal ups and downs Good luck with living through the teenage years. Tessa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted April 25, 2008 Author Share Posted April 25, 2008 I read somewhere that a teenager will exhibit symptoms of all the main serious mental disorders in a 24 hour period, due to hormonal ups and downs Good luck with living through the teenage years. Tessa Yes, I read that too & was pondering it earlier. What doesn't help in our situation is that us 3 girls cycles are all in synch too, so for one week a month the house is a seething pit of hormones. Pity my poor Hubby! I also read recently that more than 4 hours of gaming a day can cause them to behave as if they are Autistic, which was most certainly happening in Devons case. That is why we imposed a restriction on her gaming time in the first place & we had hoped her behaviour would improve,but it seems that she an be a little moo whether she has spent a lot of time gaming or not Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules. Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I have a book called "Teenagers what every parent has to know" by Rob Parsons, from the charity Care for the Family. I can send it to you if you like, it has some really good, sensible advice in it. I like the bit where he writes that being a parent of a teenager means you will have a car clapped out by taxing at the end of the teenage years Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairy&cake Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Cinnamon, you will get your relationship back. Me and my parents did, until they sadly became the children. Quite litterally. After about the age of 17 she will probably be alot more chilled out. The boy who is a friend, is probably just a friend. I had 3 main girlfriends when i was her age, and about 20 male friends who were just as close as the girls. One friend in particular Jason, was a fantastic friend to me. It is hard being a teenager, but that doesnt mean she can treat you in the way she has been. Its difficult, and i am so glad i have a boy. Im too scared to have anymore incase they are girls. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Hope it starts to get better soon Sarah. I'm with the others boundaries are important as is consistency from you so you're doing the right thing. I absolutely agree with computer games etc making them worse. My kids are unspeakable if they spend too much time on games - and some games have much more of an effect than others but I haven't worked out what the factor is - I guess I'd have to understand more of the games to do that and I can't think of anything more boring I have said since mine were very small that I'm kinda glad to have boys as I remember what it was like being a teenage girl - hormones surely there's a better system... At 15 I guess this is her pre-GCSE year ? it may be exam/school pressure making her worse right now. I suspect teachers started putting on the pressure just before the school holidasys to try and get them revising over the break. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 This should be a new club! My son was terrible until recently. He is extremely bright, so it was a shock when he dropped out of college because he wanted to spend time with his girlfriend - also at college (all his friends carried on with their own studies). Since then and lots of fighting squabbling and me in between him and OH, he has suddenly grown up. He got himself a part time job - then said "I'm going back to college because I'm not washing up all my life - I can do better." He now works full time at his restaurant and has long conversations with OH and a much pleasant atmosphere. Common sense seems to be catching up with him at long last. What is really nice to hear is that he works very hard at his job and his boss sings his praises. They might be awful at home, but if they are well behaved outside then that is good, and shows there is hope for you yet. We also tried family meetings - they were extremely stressful, so we stopped. Almost as if someone turned a switch, our 16 year old daughter is playing up instead - arghhhhhhh! The other weekend she returned home from a shopping trip with her lip pierced! Why the heck she couldn't wait a couple more weeks before the end of school we will never know. I made it plain about my views, and when something was mentioned at school she complained to me - didn't get any sympathy I can tell you! When she tried with OH (who is putty in her hands as a rule), he said the same as me and that resulted in her not talking to her dad all evening, although she spoke to me! She doesn't hold grudges long. We also notice it is much worse at certain times of the month, and then it isn't worth entering into any arguments. Legally she can get married at this age! I can't wait for her to reach 18 - she loves tattoos - ! I agree that having an older sibling doesn't help, because she wants to do the same. Basically, it is pure attention seeking and they don't mind if it is the arguing kind, ditto to all the other peeps who advise sticking to your guns! At least they know the boundaries - another problem is if you say no and other half says yes - they play on that a lot (as my OH has found out). My son says that OH always takes my daughters side, and I agree, but he says I am more fair - I tell them all off just the same! I think that was a compliment??!! Still it could be worse, one of the girls in my son's year was smoking before she was 13, drinking alcohol and taking drugs by 14. She was a monster at school and her parents drove around the village trying to find her. She would get into boys cars and do things for alcohol. A girl in my daughters class had an abortion at 14. So bear in mind that your daughter might be willful, like mine, but she doesn't sound as bad as the girls we know. Nowadays they seem to be much older than we were when we were that age. Hang in there it will be over soon and back to the nice girl you knew once before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen & co. Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I really think that babies should be born with a Government Health Warning I was discussing my ES's behaviour the other day, and my friend got so fed up of asking for things to be done, that took hours and then were only half completed, that when his son asked for a lift into town so he cold meet up with friends, he said yes and then went up stairs and started to tidy up his clothes and empty sock drawers his son kept shouting he was ready, and could they go now, and my friend kept shouting back "Yes in a minute" Eventually he took him in the car, half way there he stopped and asked his son to get out, this caused much confusion, and the explanation was "I'm doing what you do, half a job in my own time" I might try this Karen x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 - that made me smile Karen. I went through a few difficult years with my son which unfortunately coincided with divorce from my husband - his step-father. I found it very difficult as a single parent, but stuck to the boundaries I'd set out. It lasted for about 5 years and communication - for him - was difficult. His way round it was to write me letters of apology - very touching letters. All that was needed then was a big hug and no awkward talking........ I think you're doing everything you need to Sarah - and it will pass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 It will pass. If I had a quid for every girl who told me how much she hated her Mum I'd be rich! They sit in my lessons telling me all about what total cows their Mums are and how they are never allowed to do anything, they hate them. A few days/weeks/months later they'll say something about their Mum and how lovely she is, and I'll always say "I thought she was a total cow?" then they realise how harsh they were. Stroppy little madams are full of hormones and under so much pressure at school and peer pressure to push boundaries. They always have mates whose Mums don't care, too busy with their new relationships etc and let their own girls get away with murder. We all want that freedom when we are 15 but the ones who have that freedom really want care and attention at home. You are lucky and so is your daughter - you do have a caring relationship and she will value it again one day soon. In the meantime you keep telling us what a stroppy mare she is and she'll keep telling her mates, teachers etc what an unreasonable cow you are! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicken Licken Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 I have 2 analogies for you. The behaviour is a dark cloud - it looks much worse than it actually is and the anticipation of the storm makes it worse. Try to think of it just as a cloud! The other thing is that we mirror behaviour, if your daughter is confrontational human nature makes you reflect it back. Difficult though it is try to de- escalate the situation and don't hem yourself into having arguments that you can't win. There is nothing worse than frayed nerves meeting an articulate and argumentative teen. You also have the ultimate escape..... chickens. Keep going Cinammon you will get there in the end. They grow up generally speaking into lovely and well balanced adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules. Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 At times I was a horrid teenager, & I am so grateful for the unconditional love that was shown to me by my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
layla Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 I don't even understand my teenagers........they speak a different language .....m looking for a phrase book .........if anyone finds one ...let me know pleeeeeeeeeese Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxanne Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 Sarah You are completely doing the right things - stick to your guns! My lot (29,28,26,20) have had me tearing my hair out in past years with the same issues as you have been facing. We kept to our family rules and at one time had a 'family meeting' where we had an agenda and everyone was allowed their say on eachother's attitudes and behaviour and how it was affecting the whole family. We copied minutes and agreed to abide by decisions made around the table. We all made changes (some to save face for the kids) and since then, we have communicated much more and still do. It's lovely now, looking back, and the girls turning round and saying "OMG, how on earth did you put up with me, I was such a cow?!!!" The most important lesson was to keep having family meals, round the table at least 3-4 times a week without the television on. It meant we talked and laughed together... and we still do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted April 27, 2008 Author Share Posted April 27, 2008 Thanks all. The good news is that she has been a bit better over the weekend I have got to the bottom of her problems - she gets on better with boys than girls & one particular boy is seemingly jealous of her friendly relationship with another boy & has been spreading rumours about them. I have let her stay up later on friday & Saturday & she seems to have really appreciated this little bit of extra 'grown up' time It has made me remember how VILE I was myself as a teen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules. Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 Sounds like things are on the up Sarah Being a teen is hard, and I bet even more so in this day & age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shirl Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 I can sympathise. My DS1 (now 21) never went through this, oh he was a little grumpy at times but was generally easy to handle. DS2 on the other hand was born grumpy! He's 18 now and was always doing the grunting thing. If asked what time he finished work he'd snap that it was none of our business. In the end I laid down the law and told him whilst he is living under our roof he has to be civil and it is our business to know when he's working so we know whether to cook for him etc. But he is older now. I do think you have to demand some respect but I wouldn't go too far. Your DD needs to feel as if she has some control over her life and laying down rigid rules could mak her really rebel. I'm glad you've found out what is troubling her and that things improve for a while (well you can't hope for a permanent change she is a teenager ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
