Smart Feeder - Light sensor values

[kitchens]

I have a friend who I have known for about 15 or so years but became closer when we both had our children and were off work at the same time mine is now 6 hers is 5.

 

I have now had enough .... drained of her moaning (I have moaned myself before on here regarding this ) and using me as her chauffeur.

 

But what am I to do. Every time we meet up she gets out her diary for the next date (which I know would be great if I wanted to meet up again ... but I don't really ... ). I would consider myself to be quite a nice person , who does take other peoples feelings into consideration so would not drop her like a red hot brick ... but I don't know what else to do.

 

She makes me nervous when I am around her and she DOES NOT STOP COMPLAINING and she is rude (example ... in a shop asking a shop assistant a question who does not know the answer WELL I DON'T THINK I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT (ok something some of us may think but not say out loud).

 

Most people that know her feel this way about her. What am I to do?

 

She was supposed to come round after school today with her little one to have tea with mine but I've cancelled and said I am ill its a lie.

[chickenanne]

You have a "freind" who you don't enjoy spending time with. It's perfectly OK to not like everyone; it doesn't make you a bad person or nasty or whatever. For example: I'm guessing that you, and most parents, wouldn't expect your child to be freinds with everyone she knows or meets: allow yourself the same choices.

 

However, I do think it's harsh to bite your tongue and still spend time with her: it's draining, making you feel rubbish. It also wouldn't be nice from her point of view to realise how you feel about spending time with her.

 

How about trying to tell her how you feel when she is rude to others when you are around? Maybe quit the chauffer duties: don't offer a lift anymore, and if she asks, then only do it when or if it is convenient to you. Maybe even -gasp- ask her to drive sometimes, or if that's not possible, start asking for help in return.

More importantly, when she settles in for a good long moan (again) rather than going along with it try to point out the other point of view? Move her onto positive topics as much as you can. Sounds to me like she enjoys a good old complainy moan (everyone needs/likes a good vent occasionally, but where more often than you want to hear it's a problem). If you don't indulge her in her moaning then with any luck she will either start to spend more time with people who do, or stop spending as much time trying to instigate a big rant session with you.

 

If none of this works, then you do need to make the effort to spend less time with her. Start saying no to social events, citing something else you would rather do or other people you want to spend time with.

[Chucky Mama]

I know exactly where you are coming from. I have - or should I say HAD a friend like this. It is so difficult as these people sap the joy out of life and are very difficult to be around. Unfortunately they are also very thick skinned and don't pick up on other people's subtle signs. It is so hard as of course it is not in your nature to cast someone away in the type of manner necessary for this person to get the hint. My friend was also loud and rude in public. The last straw came for me when she gave me a cheque that bounced. I had to make myself completely unavailable to her and she seems to have got the hint. It isn't easy though as I am not very good at thinking quickly of a reason why I couldn't do something. I had to stall by saying that I would check and then get back to her. I would try and make the break, she is no a friend really so you need to walk away from the relationship.

[kitchens]

Thanks Chickenanne.

 

I think the hardest thing I'm feeling right now is feeling guilty for thinking the things that I do.

[cluckingmad]

My sympathy petal, I know exactly how you feel! the others are right, if she's making you this unhappy then maybe best to put some distance there... don't feel guilty, you have a right to be treated nicely and not feel used...

 

Having said that (I'm sorry, I'm a right "Ooops, word censored!" for being a devils advocate ).. is she moaning because she's not really got anyone else around? I have a friend who does this and drives me to distraction, however I can deal with it better because I know that she's only doing it because she's alone and really has no-one else to moan at (and yes, we have tried really really hard to find her a man!!) - if you don't want to make the break fully, perhaps you could suggest joining a group/hobby class together or something? At least that way you'll have some buffer zone as there will be others around? This sin't to give a guilt trip, because I suspect you've had that from said friend already, but might be a gentle way to do things?!

[kitchens]

Here are a few things that stick in my mind:

 

When my boy was walking and hers was not she insisted every Friday we went to a shopping centre. It was hell for me as my little one kept running off. As soon as hers could walk we never went there again.

 

After suffering a miscarriage, when telling her I had miscarried. Instead of saying something like “I’m sorry to hear that”, she cuttingly said “I didn’t know you were pregnant” there was no reason for her to be told as I was only 7 weeks pregnant. That hurt!

 

I always drive.

 

All the time she was in work (I was not working and quite hard up) when we went out with the kids we would eat in a tea room or something. When she was made redundant (with a 5 figure pay out) we spent our winter days out sitting on cold walls outside eating sandwiches.

 

On numerous occasions I looked after her little boy while her and her husband went to watch their favourite premiership team. They have season tickets. We were never offered them in return. She told me one day if we wanted to borrow them – they would be £50 each!

 

On a visit to the seaside she offered to pay the parking which I thought was great. But then she told me I could get the ice creams. Magnum’s all round. When she pays its mini milks.

 

I could go on and on but it’s too boring and I'm beginning to sound like a 5 year old

[cluckingmad]

 

I got as far as the miscarriage bit sweetheart - please ignore my ramblings from before, this is one person you do not need in your life!

 

And even if it was a while ago, I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that *hugs*, my mum had a miscarriage before she had me, so we're taking about 33 years ago, and she's never forgotten.

 

x

[kitchens]

Thank you cluckingmad (((hugs))) back

 

Appreciate it

[Cinnamon]

Thats not a friend,thats a frenemy

[The Dogmother]

Another emotional vampire

 

Ditch them!

[Chucky Mama]

She is a user, get rid!

[Rhapsody]

Expelliamus!

[Egluntyne]

Ditto to all of the above. Life is too short.

[The Dogmother]

It certainly is.. I blew a vampire out just recently; I feel so much better for it.

[Olly]

Sometimes our true friends are having a low point, and they want to talk about themselves, or moan about things, or they're having a bad day and they behave in a way that we know isn't characteristic. We put up with this sort of thing because we know it's just an off moment or because we know that right now they need to tell us in ten different ways how unhappy they are without bothering to ask how we are - tomorrow they will be supporting us when we're down, and in between they will be the entertaining, funny and loving people that made us choose them as friends.

 

She doesn't sound like one of those, unfortunately, and you don't owe her ANYTHING!

 

I'm not good at confrontation and in your shoes, I would just tactfully withdraw from things. Forget to take your diary out, so you can't make another appointment to meet - when she phones you, be soooo busy with all your other friends that you really can't fit her in for the next six weeks. Friendships are two-way things, and from what you've said above it's hard to see that there is any benefit in this one for you.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I agree, she needs dumping . Don't phone her to arrange another meeting and if she phones say you've got a lot on and will get back to her but don't ... ever! (I'm not good an confrontation either - it's easier than telling her face to face to get lost .)

 

I ditched my mother who was an emotional vampire (love that phrase ) - what a relief .

[abwsco]

I'm another one in the ditch camp.

[kitchens]

Thank you omlettettes. You have made me feel so much better today. I've just gone out and mown the lawn to get rid of all that stress

 

... and Olly I do forget my diary on purpose and I can see that a 'friend' who makes you act like this cannot be a friend at all.

 

Have a good evening everyone

[chickenNutter]

Expelliamus!

 

On a similar HarryPotter theme, she sounds like a Dementor, like my Father in law - emotionally dependent and high maintenance. ditch her quickly and don't feel guilty!

[majorbloodnock]

Remember the piece of prose by Max Ehrmann called Desiderata? Second paragraph seems apt here.

 

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

 

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

 

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

 

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

 

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

 

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

 

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

 

 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

[chickenanne]

I'm going to try to add what I think to the end of your examples: apologies if it comes out like I'm amending your quote ....!

 

Here are a few things that stick in my mind:

 

When my boy was walking and hers was not she insisted every Friday we went to a shopping centre. It was hell for me as my little one kept running off. As soon as hers could walk we never went there again.

This could be ignorance on her part: not realising how hard work it would be to have a child that could walk. An apology would've been good when she did relaise.

 

After suffering a miscarriage, when telling her I had miscarried. Instead of saying something like “I’m sorry to hear that”, she cuttingly said “I didn’t know you were pregnant” there was no reason for her to be told as I was only 7 weeks pregnant. That hurt!

That's dispicable. Beyond selfishness to forget your feelings and instead imagine some slight in no being told (you were 7 weeks pregnant) H'mm, freind going through a hard time: who is more important, trying to invent a small percieved possible slight or supporting you through what you were suffering?

 

I always drive.

Unless she is unable to drive, or has no car, then there is no excuse for this.

 

All the time she was in work (I was not working and quite hard up) when we went out with the kids we would eat in a tea room or something. When she was made redundant (with a 5 figure pay out) we spent our winter days out sitting on cold walls outside eating sandwiches.

Selfishness, inability to see anyone elses point of view.

 

On numerous occasions I looked after her little boy while her and her husband went to watch their favourite premiership team. They have season tickets. We were never offered them in return. She told me one day if we wanted to borrow them – they would be £50 each!

Mean of spirit and mean in all other senses of the word.

 

On a visit to the seaside she offered to pay the parking which I thought was great. But then she told me I could get the ice creams. Magnum’s all round. When she pays its mini milks.

 

I could go on and on but it’s too boring and I'm beginning to sound like a 5 year old

 

She is treating you incredibly badly, like a mug. She takes, you give, in all ways- material, time (looking after her kids for her), energy (driving her everywhere) and in all other ways. Re-read the above: she is treating you badly, and showing you no consideration or respect, and you are allowing her to do so. Stop allowing her to behave this way toward you; you're even feeling guilty about how you feel toward her.

 

Whatever her reasons for treating you this way (and maybe she is just deeply insecure and lonely), they are her issues, and you don't need to put up with her treatment of you; in fact, turning a blind eye and putting up with it does not help her or you. In any way. It is not the right thing for her. It is not the right thing for you.

[chickenNutter]

Major! You are so profound, and such a deep thinker!

 

Me? I still say ditch her!

[WitchHazel]

I suspect your friend has *no idea* how you are feeling.

 

Given that you are ready to drop her anyway, you could always try saying something (not everything, and not in anger) next time you see her and she's being negative. You could say "do you know, you *always* look on the negative side", and maybe try and tease her out of it. Or say "Let's see if we can get through an afternoon without moaning".

 

Or you could try telling her everything. That you really value her friendship but iyou've been finding it very draining, and you've stopped looking forward to your time together.

 

Whatever you feel able to do.

 

The worst that will happen is that she'll get in a huff and won't want to speak to you again. Well, you were ready to give up the friendship anyway, so no loss. (possibly even a positive, as it won't be you that broke things off). But it might help her, and it might mean you can keep the friendship.

 

Just a thought.

[jlo]

I suspect your friend has *no idea* how you are feeling.

 

Given that you are ready to drop her anyway, you could always try saying something (not everything, and not in anger) next time you see her and she's being negative. You could say "do you know, you *always* look on the negative side", and maybe try and tease her out of it. Or say "Let's see if we can get through an afternoon without moaning".

 

Or you could try telling her everything. That you really value her friendship but iyou've been finding it very draining, and you've stopped looking forward to your time together.

 

Whatever you feel able to do.

 

The worst that will happen is that she'll get in a huff and won't want to speak to you again. Well, you were ready to give up the friendship anyway, so no loss. (possibly even a positive, as it won't be you that broke things off). But it might help her, and it might mean you can keep the friendship.

 

Just a thought.

 

For what it's worth, my advice was going to be along these lines but WitchHazel has put it much better than I could.

 

I think I am going to print Desiderata out. I only every knew the first two lines and it is really inspiring. Thanks for that!

[Space Chick]

You've had fab advice from everyone, I have nothing to add but wanted to send hugs.

 

I am a firm believer in surrounding yourself with positivity and ditching negativity. Life is too short to be unhappy