Smart Feeder - Light sensor values

[Paddy]

I say ditch!

[chick wiggle]

Here, here! i agree with all of the above but, maybe, witchhazel has a point. You have nothing to lose by telling her how you feel, if she goes off in a huff and you never see her again - job done! If she looks thoughtful, maybe she never realised how draining she was and "Ooops, word censored!"ody else has had the courage to tell her, she may change. Either way, you win .

Good Luck!

[Blackrocksrock]

She is NO friend.

[majorbloodnock]

Major! You are so profound, and such a deep thinker!

 

Me? I still say ditch her!

 

I know it may seem like it here, but in fact my feet are firmly on the ground. Desiderata is an excellent collection of practical advice, and there are a few salient points here.

 

Firstly, "as far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons" is a great ideal, but there seems to be rather a lot of surrender going on in this particular instance. The point to highlight is that peace isn't something worth gaining at all costs, and the simple fact that kitchens has felt the need to post here suggests the limit has been reached.

 

Secondly, "speak your truth quietly and clearly". If other people don't know what you have to say, they can't take it into account and/or act upon it. However, there's little to be gained by being aggressive or confrontational in your stating your case, and stating it meekly is little better.

 

Thirdly, "avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit". We can't get on with everyone, and there will be personality clashes with some. If we can't get along, then a bit of distance is a healthy alternative.

 

I don't know about you lot, but I reckon that's fairly well grounded advice, and, it not being my own invention, I'm happy to push it.

[cluckingmad]

Cor, haven't heard/read Desiderata since I was at school - DEFINATLEY one to print out for hanging someone in full view..

 

Major, have to ask - are you a Goon show fan by any chance is which case.... I don't like this rotten game!

[majorbloodnock]

Major, have to ask - are you a Goon show fan by any chance

 

...pauses for applause - not a sausinge

 

...in which case.... I don't like this rotten game!

 

Foin, foin, foin

 

 

OK, game's up. You're right. I do like the Goons, as well as Monty Python's Flying Circus. I have a fairly lavatorial and smutty sense of humour, so long as it's done intelligently, so Spike Milligan's gift for irreverence fits the bill perfectly. It so happens I like his written word too...

 

A baby sardine saw her first submarine;

She was scared, and looked through a peephole.

"Oh, come, come, come", said the sardine's mum.

"It's only a tin full of people".

 

[sadietoo]

Kitchens, as everyone has said you need to get this woman on to a different footing or out of your life altogether, but if you are anything like I used to be perhaps you find it very difficult to be assertive, (and that's why we end up in these awful situations being manipulated by others). Now I am rushing towards my dotage at full speed ahead, I find I care much less about what other people think of me, and the no word easier to say, (sometimes!) but before I reached this happy state I found Anne Dickson's book A Woman in Your Own Right had some quite useful practical tips for ways to deal with difficult situations and people assertively. From what you have written it seems this friend has trouble with being assertive herself, and resorts to bullying and aggression to get her way, she needs help too, but only when she acknowledges she has a problem herself and I suggest you don't need to be the one to save her...!!

[Alis girls]

The girl has issues- if you cant confront - drop - cruel but no worse than shes treated you. Either that or a list of hometruths. Good luck.

[Fur 'n' Feathers]

Kitchens. You've had some good advice here, and I also would recommend the book just mentioned.

 

Assertiveness is a matter of treating other people with respect... equal respect for them as for yourself.

 

In your struggle you are assuming responsibility for how the other person will feel. We cannot be responsible for how other people feel. Their feelings are their responsibility. If youi say something rude or deliberately hurtful then that is another matter. However, if you are speaking to the other person about something that you find unhelpful/difficult/negative and you are doing that out of care for yourself and care for the other person (that they are not ultimately caring for or helping their own self by their negative and critical talk/actions) then they have to own the feelings they subsequently feel and you are not responsible.

 

I had to address the behaviour of a friend once asit had been draining and negative over a period of time. Her response to the situation was to criticise me and say I wasn't helping her and that she had thought I was her friend. My response was that I was her friend. The issue was, was she mine?

 

I am sad that we no longer have contact, but the reality was that this person only evr used me when she wanted something. It was a very one-sided relationship and that is not true friendship.

 

I hope you find some courage in this.

 

One other tactic you may find helpful is to pause when someone starts organising the next event. If your stomach feels like it's sinking then it's not for you. You can always say, " I will need to get back to you on that one". This gives you space to think.

 

Be honest with people and yourself. If you keep a "No" in your pocket to use people will respect you more as your "Yes" will have more heart to it.

 

Feathers

[Olly]

well said Feathers, and I really like that last comment about keeping a 'no' in your pocket. That's one I could definitely do with learning!

 

I really wholeheartedly second that advice about pausing when you get that stomach-sinking feeling. I was pondering the other day on the fact that my life is pretty good these days - it has its ups and downs, of course - and I realised that I no longer do things that I don't want to do. My recollection of my 20s and 30s is of agreeing to go to places, parties and even on holidays that I knew in my heart I wouldn't enjoy - seems I must have learned to say 'no' somewhere along the way.

 

This is a really thought-provoking topic, it's making me consider some of my friendships and recognise how lucky I am. I hope it's helped you, Kitchens, and thanks for starting the debate off.

[The Dogmother]

You are so right Olly. Age has taught me to say 'actually, no, that is not OK', whereas before I'd just have gone with the flow.

[poachedegg]

I was pondering the other day on the fact that my life is pretty good these days - it has its ups and downs, of course - and I realised that I no longer do things that I don't want to do.

Absolutely hit the nail on the head for me Olly!

 

I believe that negative and moany people have lots of 'stuff' going on in their life, sometimes created by them, though not always - however it is down to us how we deal with these things and the choices we make - including not doing things you don't want to do.....life is so much happier and contented that way!

[majorbloodnock]

Perhaps, Kitchens, you need to spend a bit of time in the Netherlands.

 

Different cultures handle these things in different ways. In Japan, everyone will bend over backwards to avoid forcing you to say "no", and are horrified if they have to say it themselves. In contrast, don't ask someone Dutch "does my bum look big in this?" unless you want an honest answer, 'cos that's exactly what they'll give you.

[poachedegg]

Perhaps, Kitchens, you need to spend a bit of time in the Netherlands.

In contrast, don't ask someone Dutch "does my bum look big in this?" unless you want an honest answer, 'cos that's exactly what they'll give you.

 

*Crosses off list of places to visit!*

[kitchens]

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has read this thread and replied and given their opinion as to what I should do. I really appreciate it. I now have to be strong and cut my ties with this woman. It's amazing how negative one person can make you feel and I can't be doing with it any longer.

 

Thank you again so much you lovely lot

[Ain't Nobody Here]

You go for it . You don't need her, you've got all of us .

[Couperwife]

oh horrible woman

 

next time she wants to meet up, tell her that you are meeting one of us

 

cathy

x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

That's a good idea . There's enough of us that you could be busy 365 days a year .

[kitchens]

Now there's a plan