The Dogmother Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 This'll make you laugh: When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" . ..This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? You've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Very funny....and all too true! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura007 Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 heehee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfamily Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 we have new public loos in Chichester. There are a variety of cubicles - men only, men and women, baby changing facilities, disabled ................. After standing for ages trying to decipher the pictures on each door and pushing your way through the heaviest doors in the land, you are greeted by a fully automated stainless steel environment and the anxious thought that you hope that the door locks properly as they open straight onto the street ..........and there is a very good reason why for centuries men and women have never shared a public loo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gooner.girl Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 ..........and there is a very good reason why for centuries men and women have never shared a public loo Yes, thats because men smell bad... (runs for cover) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Hilarious...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kannie Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Rang lots of bells, Claret! Like the time I visited some posh and quite busy exhibition at the Royal Academy, and realised on my way out that I had toilet paper hanging out of the back of my trousers! It was the seat-protecting pair of sheets from my pre-exhibition wee! I do remember seeing a website somewhere detailing how women can pee standing up. I did try it, but never quite got the hang of it! Will see if I can find it again and maybe someone else can perfect it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Stop it!!!!!! I haven't stopped laughing from the last lot yet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kannie Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Here's the link: edit: PM Christine for the link - over 18's only - Lesley Who's going to report back?!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 There was a film where one of the women peed standing up - was it The Full Monty? I'll go and look at your link now Christine - personally, I think we should be teaching men that they can sit down to pee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 It was the Full Monty, Lesley! It was on the other night! Very funny Clare and Kannie ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 I edited your link Christine - there was a lot of other stuff on that site Well worth looking at though - the peeing bit that is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Oooh, I didn't click the link! I'm too young, Lesley ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 I'll send it to you Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Are you sure I'm mature enough ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 I think you'll cope - I've just popped my eyes back in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kannie Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 I edited your link Christine - there was a lot of other stuff on that site Well worth looking at though - the peeing bit that is Ooh sorry! Didn't check it all out - just the relevant bit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Frugal Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Don't worry, Christine. Lesley will only hand out the link to those mature enough . Amazingly, I am ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 I don't know if I am - I might sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 18, 2007 Author Share Posted January 18, 2007 personally, I think we should be teaching men that they can sit down to pee Phil has to sit down to wee in my house - this is a female house (well apart from Biscuit), and i have made it plain that if I find the seat up, then the next time it will come down on his..... He says that sitting down is more comfortable anyway. Apparently one of the Scandinavian countries promotes it for hygiene reasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Both my boys sit down to wee, unless they need to go in a public toilet. Saves having any 'bad aims' hitting the floor, or wall behind the loo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 18, 2007 Author Share Posted January 18, 2007 Good call Chooks When I moved in to this house, the previous occupants had laid a beige shagpile carpet in the bathroom, and they had two small boys You can imagine the mess around the loo - it really stank - I heaved up the carpet, lobbed it in the skip and disinfected the lot! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
One Man Banned Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 When I moved in to this house, the previous occupants had laid a beige shagpile carpet in the bathroom, and they had two small boys You can imagine the mess around the loo - it really stank - I heaved up the carpet, lobbed it in the skip and disinfected the lot! Ditto when we moved in here Claret - the carpets were mostly all vile! A xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Carpets in bathrooms! Yuk...Shudder! (Speaking as the mother of 2 sons who have inherited their inability to aim from their father) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 EXACTLY the reason for training the wee chaps to, well, wee sitting down. Never mind the Health Visitors advice of putting ping pong balls in the loo for them to improve their aim(!), I'd rather not take the risk! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
