theherd123 Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 A friend emailed me this, it is long but well worth the laugh!! WAX is "Not your Friend" All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *Hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo- ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to s"Ooops, word censored!"ing the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 That is excellent Em!!! Trying to read it with Rosie hanging over my shoulder asking what a hoo haa is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocchick Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnieP Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Don't do it kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
One Man Banned Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 YYEEAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Gosh that has brought tears to MY eyes A xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Very funny!! You do have to suffer to be beautiful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 It brought tears (of laughter) to my eyes! I used to share a (very big) house with 9 other girls - plenty of stories along the lines of these spring to mind Not for a family forum though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfamily Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 OUCH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 How many of us have got our legs crossed now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kannie Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Nice one theherd!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beauty-Box Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 That was so funny, but it made me cringe at the same time!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 When I was reading it, I had to keep stopping to wipe my eyes; I was crying with laughter ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mad house Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Oh my god I was going for a wax before my holiday but thats just put me off...razor and veet for me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura & CTB Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Reminds me of the time my best friend bought one of those epilators and the first time she used it "everything" got caught up in it...... we spent about an hour trying to cut her free!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 Ther are some things you can only ask a very good friend to help with Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 My BF asked me to go round and help her wax her bikini line before she went in to have her baby - she couldn't see to do it herself, but 'wanted to look her best' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
