EmmaJC Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I'm due to give birth to my first child in the summer, and already I'm feeling a bit fractious about my in-laws. We live a few hours away from them and my partner is of course very keen for them to come see the baby soon after the birth. Whilst we don't have a bad relationship, we never argue for example, I do feel very uncomfortable around them. Our lifestyle choices are very different, my partner and I are laid back guardian reading types whereas they're quite the opposite. I find it impossible to talk with them about anything at all and I find them boring. I know I should make more of an effort, but I do find their visits very uncomfortable, especially since we moved as they last a number of days! They're not flush with money either so their visits tend to be a bit of a drain on resources, which is fine but I'm not sure it's ideal after a new baby! They're also very messy and happy to sit and watch me cook and clean up after them which drives me mad and as their own house is a bit of a mess I've developed a bit of a cleaning complex, so when they've visited I spend hours disinfecting and scrubbing and washing and cleaning. I'm aware that this is stupid, and that I'm being unreasonable but right now isn't the time to tackle my phobias I feel I've been told to expect the first few weeks of my new baby to be quite difficult, what with the lack of sleep, the various pains and aches (and unexpected floods of blood - ick!) and trying to get breastfeeding established, so I've told my partner that if they visit I'd like them to stay in a hotel (at my expense) and not at the house but he seems to have got a grump on about this and is now avoiding the subject. He asked me how long I expected to be struggling with my post birth maladies though which leads me to think that he's planning on having them stay regardless. He also pointed out that I'm happy for my own parents to stay. This is of course true, but my own parents are helpful, my mum will do the cooking and cleaning and will be able to help me breastfeed having been a breastfeeding mum herself, unlike my MIL. I'm also more comfortable sitting in my jammies and being a bit icky around them as they've seen it all and worse from me before! Around his parents I'll be filled with paranoia and uncomfortable, not ideal with a baby. After my wall of text, my question is, how should I deal with this situation? I know it's petty, but it's really getting at me and I struggled to sleep last night worrying about it. Thank you all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucky Mama Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh dear, the joys of families. How does your husband feel about how you are feeling? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Congratulations on the imminent baby . But ... poor you . I can totally understand your concerns. I wouldn't have felt comfortable having people actually living in my house just after giving birth . Even more so if you know they won't help out and will actually create more work. How soon after the birth is he expecting them to visit? I really don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to stay in a B&B or hotel (especially if you're paying). Although it's a wonderful time, it can also be draining, scary and emotional and I think it's important for you and your OH to get to grips with the whole experience - on your own but with help when you want it. I think you really have to get your fears across to your OH and make him understand that your life (and his to an extent) will be totally different after the birth and you will be spending all your time dealing with a brand new baby and won't have the energy to cope with his parents as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Poor you (and poor in-laws), always a difficult one. Reading through your post I think there are a number of bits which, without the rest, make it sound like a perfectly reasonable request, and I suspect that telling your partner - and his parents - these edited bits may give you the outcome you want without ruffling too many feathers. You may find it easier to write the parents a little note to explain. You may also find it easier to write this down and give it to your partner to read, rather than trying to say all this when you are feeling very emotional. I've taken bits of your post verbatim, and just added in stuff to join it together. I've been told to expect the first few weeks of my new baby to be quite difficult, what with the lack of sleep, the various pains and aches (and unexpected floods of blood - ick!) and trying to get breastfeeding established. I know you'll want to come and meet the baby as soon as possible, and it would be really helpful if you would let us put you up in a nearby hotel for a few days. I will be having my parents to stay, and I hope that this doesn't seem a bit "unfair". I don't mean it to be. The reason for this is that I'm more comfortable sitting in my jammies and being a bit icky around them as they've seen it all and worse from me before!. I also won't feel awkward that my mum will do the cooking and cleaning, and she will be able to help me breastfeed. Or something like that, anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Well put WitchHazel I can totally understand how you feel and you're not being unreasonable; this is time for you and your OH to bond with your baby and get used to the new routine. Any parent should understand that. Your OH is probably feeling a bit marginalised and useless - you are carrying the baby and obviously, the birth and time immediately afterwards will be centred around you and the baby; he will be having trouble adjusting to his new place in this order, so some instructions as to how he can be useful and a help might be in order. I was on my own almost immediately after the birth so sent a birth announcement out asking friends and families to be understanding and not to visit before X date and then only with offers of help and food I had a c section and knew that i wouldn't feel up to much. My folks were great and the ex MIL was thankfully absent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmmaJC Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Thank you all for the advice! Thinking about it, I'm convinced it's my partner who is the problem in this case. He was a bit of a problem child and his whole family isn't especially close, I suspect he's trying to make amends and impress his parents now. I dare say they'd not invite themselves or come for too long if it weren't for him inviting them. He's always at it. I've stopped planning weekends away for us as he insists on inviting them over to 'look after the house' (why? Is it going to throw a party and trash itself while we're away for 2 nights???). I think I need to get him to see that he's going to make life hard on me at a time when I don't need to have a harder life. We only live 2 hours apart. I may just tell him that they can come down for the day, but that's it. I feel a falling out coming on, but I think I'm going to have to put my foot down. I hate confrontation - the last time they came to stay they nearly ended up storming out of the house because they had an argument over the Lib Dems policies (I hid in the bedroom the whole time). The funny thing is, they drive him mad too. He's always moaning about how he's got nothing in common with his family and how he has nothing to say to them! I did have a giggle about the thought of sending them a note, he left home at 17 and couldn't be bothered to tell them to their faces, so he left them a note saying he was sick of them and was leaving. I fear a note may not be the best approach here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I think a 2hr journey for a day is acceptable - could you not make use of MIL - get her making tea - get a takeaway if you can afford it or ready made. i have to say there have been times I have been upset at the lack of grandparents but so many people have probs with extended family i am glad I only have dad and a mad aunt and uncle . Any more and it would be a men in white coats job for me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmmaJC Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I think a 2hr journey for a day is acceptable - could you not make use of MIL - get her making tea - get a takeaway if you can afford it or ready made: If only! Her cooking is shocking, she actually microwaves cakes! Alas they have very specific ideas about food too (no foreign muck for them) so unless somewhere out there does a roast dinner takeaway we're a bit stuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ygerna Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 If a note is out of the question, how about, you use the note suggested above as a way of guiding a phone call? If you have it in front of you, with perhaps, a little list of back up replies to any arguement they, or your DH may put forth, then you can hopefully prevent being rail roaded into something you are not happy with. It used to be customary for new mothers to have a two week 'lying in' period, but in todays modern, fast paced, world, this has faded into history which is a shame, those two weeks are so important to new parents and of course the new baby, who has no idea of whats happened. Good luck with the birth and becoming a mum, its quite a ride but, its more than worth it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh dear - I sympathise. Like me it sounds like you have nabbed the only decent & sane one in the family I would try to go for a compromise here - it is after all your husbands baby too & he will want to show it off to his parents ... prove to them how well he has turned out,after his own problem childhood So, tell him they can stay for 1 night & 1 night only,but not until 2 weeks after the birth. That way you will be feeling a bit more human,and a little less shell shocked. You can stock up the freezer now for when they come,so catering won't necessarily be a problem,but do point out to your husband that he will need to be on full dishwasher & tea making duties while they are here,as you will have your hands very full indeed. I would be very firm on the 1 night rule,& if they have to compromise & have a take-out Pizza,well tough on them - it won't kill them,will it? Or if the worse comes to the worse get a take-out for you & get him indoors to take his folks to the local Toby Carvery or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmmaJC Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh dear - I sympathise.Like me it sounds like you have nabbed the only decent & sane one in the family Honestly, there isn't a sane one in the bunch. They're all loonies I've told him when he gets back (he's working abroad for the week) we're going to sit and have a serious talk about the plans for after the birth. So I'm going into our conversation informed... how bad is it post birth? I'm having a home birth and got the list of essentials last week for two days after the birth and couldn't help but notice that the number of maternity pads needed was 24! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Hi Sweetie! Having a baby isn't the best experience in the world, but I've had two, and it isnt the worst either! The human body is designed for it, and the medics are pretty well set up for it, should you need them., so dont panic too much, which i know is easy to say, but is true, you'll be fine. Yes, you will bleed afterwards, it's to clean out your system, and again is natural, it's as bad as a bad period, and doesnt really hurt much at all, but can be a bit sore, esp if you've had a fwe stitches Try asking at the local health shop for tinctures to ease the swelling /soreness, (yes, it will be a bit , as a lot of stretching has gone on!!) Breastfeeding is a bit of a knack, i fed both of mine, the baby has to learn, and so do you. the midwife should give you help, or if your mum is willing, then get your baby feeders out, and let her help you! It took my first baby a couple of days to get the hang of it, and I was catching milk in a teaspoon and spooning it down him( my boobs were so full, they were blown up like footballs and he couldnt latch on; a friend got me to waste some milk down the sink, then the pressure was off a bit ). Yes you will be tired, and have no routine at all, but as log as you and the baby are warm, and fed, you'll be fine. Tell everyone to go away if you need to, or invite them in between set hours, and if they offer to help(which they will) then accept, and ask for washing to be hung up, /potatoes to be peeled, whatever. no one minds, asa we've all had kids and know how it is. Freinds made me stews and lasagne / cakes and allsorts in foil throw away containers, and i put them in the freezer ... no washing up either!!!bread and tin soup, with fruit for pudding will do!, Throw out all the baby books, and stop worrying, enjoy your baby, and your pregnancy, you're blooming, and so special. you are creating new life, and it's wonderful. My Min law wa sa pain too. She sent a Vicar round!!!!! I had my boobs out, and was spilling milk everywhere. Poor man, didn't know where to look! Let them come, preferably sooner , rather than later, and stay in bed for as much as you can, they wont starve, and do you really give a toss what they think anyway; it's your house, your life and your new baby!!Tell them to bring their own bedlinen with, as you have far too much washing with new baby, and that way they can take it all away with them too! Sorry to put such a long one.. Families are just the best, eh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Could you angle the conversation that you don't want to impose on your inlaws? You don't want to give them work to do, as you won't be able to do much and they would have to fend for themselves etc and also lack of sleep due to crying baby etc? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyBoo Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Having a baby is messy and exhausting and teary and wonderful, but it really doesn't matter what I, or anyone else, tell you, you won't know until you've experienced it. You know about sleep deprivation, except you don't until you've done it. I always say the first three months just get your head down, shut your eyes, ignore the housework and concentrate on baby and you. I think the one night and one night only rule sounds like a really good idea, gives you a time limit which should make it much more bearable. And yes, stock up the freezer, not just for the inlaws but you and OH. I hope you have a good birth (took me til number 3 to get a halfway decent one - you know, the "falling in love with baby and isn't everything wonderful just how you read about it" one, just remember, you don't get a medal for going without pain relief (some women brag about no pain relief as though they're somehow "better at it" than you - the only aim of childbirth is a live, (hopefully) healthy baby and a live healthy mum. Doesn't matter how you get there.) Will look forward to the pics, and hope OH eventually sees sense, but then he's probably got no idea of what it's going to be like which is why he's making rash invitations. BeckyBoo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunty e Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 The first couple of weeks can go either way I think - both times I've found it very easy, but you will have a lot of bodily fluids spilling uncontrollably. The bleeding will have pretty much done by two weeks after the birth, and your milk should have settled down by then BUT if your baby is anything like either of mine, you will still be whipping a boob out every five minutes to demand feed your little piglet. I would only have my in laws around for an hour or two, as that's how much expressed breast milk I had in the fridge and there was no way I was BFing in front of them again after the photos in the hospital the first time round (ARGH). I would never ever ever have let anyone other than the closest of female friends stay in the house immediately after the birth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh congratulations on the baby. I've had three and would like a fourth at some point in the future, so it can't be all that bad. I have to agree with Freddie and Cinnamon. After the birth of my son in 2000 I got the lovely 3 days in hospital to recover, it's not like that now, when I had my daughter in 2008 and son in 2009 I was almost kicked out the next day! I've found that the first 2-3 days after having baby I am so full of energy and bouncing off the walls. I think this has something to do with not having every ounce of goodness sucked out of me by a growing baby. Once your breastmilk comes in though your body is working hard again and that energy boost suddenly dissapears. For the first two weeks after the birth you will be trying to find your routine, you'll learn when your baby will want feeds, nappy changes etc, you will almost be able to set your watch by them. This enables you to get timing right for going out etc. My daughter would always want a feed and nappy change at 12noon the next one after that would be 3pm so I knew if I wanted to pop to the shops the best time was between 12.30 and 3pm. His mum should be able to remember all the ups and downs of becoming a mum it may be worth inviting her out for a girly day and having a chat with her. I remember being really uncomfy around my MIL as my house always has toys on the floor and can be quite messy at times. I eventually asked her if she had any tricks to get her son to clean up after himself. This was when it all came out that he does nothing to help me around the house. She apologised to me for his behaviour and said that she had "given up" on trying to get him to tidy his room. She now takes the kids for a couple of hours every Sunday to allow me to catch up. You mentioned maternity pads, I found that they were not absorbent enough, I ended up using sanitry towels the huge night time ones with wings, I got fewer leaks and were far more comfy. Tommy Tippee breast pads were the best I found too. Try to get your hubby to agree to the cooking and cleaning for the first weeks till you find your routine it will make it so much easier for you. I remember trying to cook Christmas dinner 5 days after my son was born whilst looking after a 1yr old too I will say one thing though and every woman who has given birth will agree. No matter how easy or traumatic the birth is the moment you are handed this tiny little baby for the first is amazing. There are no words to describe what you feel as it's an overload of emotion that's highly addictive. Best of luck with the in laws, your pregnancy and birth. X Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Having a baby is messy and exhausting and teary and wonderful, but it really doesn't matter what I, or anyone else, tell you, you won't know until you've experienced it. You know about sleep deprivation, except you don't until you've done it. I always say the first three months just get your head down, shut your eyes, ignore the housework and concentrate on baby and you. I think the one night and one night only rule sounds like a really good idea, gives you a time limit which should make it much more bearable. And yes, stock up the freezer, not just for the inlaws but you and OH. I hope you have a good birth (took me til number 3 to get a halfway decent one - you know, the "falling in love with baby and isn't everything wonderful just how you read about it" one, just remember, you don't get a medal for going without pain relief (some women brag about no pain relief as though they're somehow "better at it" than you - the only aim of childbirth is a live, (hopefully) healthy baby and a live healthy mum. Doesn't matter how you get there.) Will look forward to the pics, and hope OH eventually sees sense, but then he's probably got no idea of what it's going to be like which is why he's making rash invitations. BeckyBoo Oh yes, I wanted all natural at first. Morphine is gooooooooooooooood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 When it comes to the birth bit tell em you want it all - drugs, epidural, gas n air - the lot - bring it on. Good luck with the chat with OH - just be pleased the outlaws are 2hours away and not 2 mins Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatieB Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 You asked what it is really like in the first few days...I can't remember Seriously its like a post birth haze. I can recollect getting to about 5 p.m one day thinking what have I done today I'm not sure I've managed to find time to eat and not showered Or was that just me I do remember weetabix being a life saver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 You asked what it is really like in the first few days...I can't remember Seriously its like a post birth haze. I can recollect getting to about 5 p.m one day thinking what have I done today I'm not sure I've managed to find time to eat and not showered Or was that just me I do remember weetabix being a life saver. I can still remember and there are some days I'm still like that! Son comes in from school and I'm still in pj's Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 When they turn up say "Thank God you're here!!" and hand them cleaning cloths, the shopping list, point them in the direction of the laundry basket and retire to sofa with baby. They will either start helping or push off!!! *whispers* I had first baby in hosp with drugs etc and hated every moment. Second at home in bathroom on my feet with pizza and champagne afterwards and loved it. Everyones different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Definitely make them earn their keep. You never know they might surprise you and be very helpful. If they sit around, expecting waitress service, don't provide it. Go to bed in the afternoon, take the baby with you and if they don't like the sight of breastfeeding, make them leave the room and not you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 no hand them your screaming colicky offspring complete with pooey napkin and say " Thanks for coming- off for a bath now" grab a bottle of wino (who cares if youre breast feeding) a load of mags and the radio to drown out the screams - of the outlaws Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 , take the baby with you and if they don't like the sight of breastfeeding, make them leave the room and not you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PurpleTree Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I wouldn't have wanted anyone staying in the house for the first few weeks. It really is about you & OH getting used to having a baby & what you're meant to do with it! I don't think a 2 hour drive is too much for a day trip, I would do it. Think it'll all depend on what sort of birth you have as to what you'll feel like afterwards. With my eldest I was in labour, in hospital, for 2 days. I ended up with an epidural right at the last minute, he was eventually delivered with help from a ventouse. Needless to say I was completely shattered before even starting to look after baby, also very sore thanks to stitches. I did try and breastfeed and lasted 2 and a half weeks, but ended up hating it and made myself ill trying. I was a lot happier once we changed to bottles & hubby could do the night feeds I bled for about 6 weeks afterwards with all of them Obviously everyone's different. Despite all the aches & pains & exhaustion I've gone to have another 2, so it can't be all bad Good luck, when are you due? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
