majorbloodnock Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majorbloodnock Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Little Jimmy Croft loved tractors. He was tractor mad. One look in his bedroom would show he had tractor posters on wallpaper with a tractor motif, tractor stickers on his window, tractor designs on his duvet and pillowcase and various tractor magazines strewn about the desk and floor. Perhaps this all stemmed from the fact his father worked in the tractor factory just up the road, coming home at night after a long day's work and chatting happily about various aspects of his work. Whatever the reason, when Jimmy came of age, he followed his father's footsteps and applied for and got a job at the same company. Then came the downturn in the market. Sales dropped off and redundancies came. Despite being a hard worker, Jimmy was one of the last in, so one of the first out. He was devastated. Disillusioned, he resolved never to have anything more to do with tractors. He tore up his posters, ripped down the wallpaper, burned his magazines and completely cleared his room of all things tractor-related. He then stomped off to the pub to drown his sorrows. As he wandered into the bar, he was hit by an incredible wall of cigarette smoke. He'd never seen it so bad. Having ordered a pint, he looked around and could just make out a young lady on her own at the other end of the bar. Testosterone taking over from self-pity, he wandered over to her, but as he got closer he could see her eyes were streaming. "What's the matter?", he asked. "How come you're so sad?" "I'm not really sad." she replied. "It's just the smoke is really killing my eyes." "Don't worry," said Jimmy. "I'll deal with it." And with that, he exhaled right out, then took a huge, deep breath. He sucked in all the smoke, walked out of the door and then blew the lot out into the evening air outside. When he went back inside, the bar was crystal clear and the girl's eyes had stopped watering. Amazed, she thanked him profusely, then asked, "How on earth did you manage to do that?" "It was easy.", he said. …. … …… "I'm an ex-tractor fan." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majorbloodnock Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.' 'Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now what on earth would you say?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gongladosh Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 q: what's whisky? a: wussian woulette Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Just a polite reminder that this is a family forum, with many young readers. Could we keep the jokes clean and inoffensive, as we have had some complaints and have had to moderate the thread. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beach chick Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 q: what's whisky?a: wussian woulette LOVE it!! going to send it on.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodge Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 A man walked into a bar Ouch It was an iron bar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 What do you call a Russian Napkin? A Soviet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Space Chick Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I dreamt I was chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper.... I was dicing with death Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gongladosh Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Q: How do you make Lady Gaga cry? A: Poke 'er face... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goosey Lucy Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Did you hear about the man with two left feet who went into a shoe shop? He bought a pair of Flip-Flips Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jomeena Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 This page has cheered me up on a wet dull day. What is green and hairy and goes up and down ? Gooseberry in a lift. Sad but my sons fav joke ( he is 26 ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Ok, tears are leaking from my eyes & the screen is splattered with tea...........thank you all in a similar vein to many before...... What do you call a man with a leaf on his head.............. Russell Sha x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majorbloodnock Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 On the grounds that the old ones are the oldest... What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack. What do you call a woman on top of a house? Ruth What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward What do you call a man with three planks on his head? Edward Woodward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henchanted Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 What does a woman with a limp call herself........ .....Eileen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clootie Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Titter me not. Well maybe Space Chick's grim reaper joke made me smile. I am notoriously difficult to make laugh with jokes and yes, I do have a sense of humour ......... somewhere. Last seen in 1976 heading south. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beach chick Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 I dont know if this one is entirely family friendly so mods please remove if you feel the need!!! however my own kids thought it was EXTREMELY funny when they were about 9, so I dont think its obscene... Q: how do you titillate an ocelot? A: you oscillate its' tit a lot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goosey Lucy Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 What's white and red? . . . . . . . . . . Pink Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickvic Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beach chick Posted July 30, 2011 Author Share Posted July 30, 2011 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven til its Bill Withers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henchanted Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beach chick Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 Tell me a joke about potassium.... K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuckyChickenLover- Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Tell me a joke about potassium.... K Oh , don't even get me STARTED on the science jokes *Groan* What do you do with a dead scientist? Barium Do you know any good sodium jokes? Na I like telling bad science jokes because all the good ones Argon. Two scientists walked into a bar. The first one said, "I'll have some H2O please". The second one said "I'll have some H2O too please". He died. There's a lot more. I won't make you suffer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beach chick Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 Oh, don't even get me STARTED on the science jokes *Groan* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gertie Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
