2009 Omlet cube and run for sale

[Alis girls]

You remember a while back I posted about my father who has mild vascular dementia. Well I am going to rant so look away if you wish. Today whilst at work OH had a call from dad to say he had a man from a bath seat company with him wanting to sell him a bath aid for £2000. Dad was obviously worried as the guy wanted the money up front. OH said no tell him no as dad obviously had reservations. Long story short muggins here came home (stressed already due to other worries I cant post about) and basically I lost the plot with him. My father comes across as very capable to those who dont know him but we see otherwise. I read him the riot act - a few years back he decided to put the house in equity - he has more than enough savings. I fear when he does die I will have some nasty surprises. He refuses to move and rattles round a 3 bedroomed semi - house is not clean and when i bought up subject of cleaner - whoosh he didnt like it. he lives 100+ miles away. I could get him nearer but I dont think he''ll move.

Sorry not that short. OH said he;d known me since 1985 and had never seen me so cross - he says it must be years of pent up anger. The last 3 times he came down - he had head injuries and last time we had to call and ambulance for him. Thanks for listenoing

[dancing cloud]

Parents eh! Can't live with 'em, not allowed to push 'em off a cliff and claim the life insurance

 

More seriously, the fact that you are so cross shows how much you care, so don't see it as necessarily a bad thing.

 

When you've had time to calm down (and a large glass or two) maybe tell your dad how worried you are about him, all on his own and so far away, and see if he has any ideas about how things could be made easier for both of you. Move to something smaller/nearer, get help with cleaning, maybe meals on wheels? Does he socialise at all?

 

It can be really difficult when you become your parent's parent

[Daphne]

Ali - I didn't post much last time as I was dealing with a death in the family, with some of the same issues you are facing - but am much calmer about it all now. I know how frustrating it is as you cannot reason terribly well with your father because of his dementia. However, I have seen the strain this type of thing brings on the rest of the family so I would strongly advise considering and actioning the options which will make your life easier. I know this is much easier said than done, but at some stage some difficult conversations have to be undertaken (and sometimes tough decisions have to be made) otherwise you will all go mad. Taking some practical steps will help you be more in control rather than having everything rushing round in your head endlessly with no resolution.

 

Immediate ideas which spring to mind (ignore if not appropriate!) include one of those alarms so if he falls someone will come, obtaining a power of attorney (although I know that its much harder to get one than it used to be), setting up a joint bank account with dual signatures required, perhaps with a standing order to his personal account so he is always in funds, and is he registered with the Telephone Preference Service to get rid of calls? Regarding a cleaner then I think its quite well known that elderly men in particular can self-neglect. It depends how bad it is. A bit of dust - my advice is to let it go although my mother would hoover on her visits and we discovered at least a decade of dust in the spare bedroom . However, if it is unsanitary filth then I would requisition all available arguments and get a cleaner in (just for a trial period )

 

I wish you good luck, rant away

[Alis girls]

Have power of atroney and TPS have rebooted that. I will speak to him re the bank account - cant see him agreeing to that mind. thanks so much for your advice and sorry to hear of your sad loss Daphene.

[keyhole kate]

I don't have any words of wisdom I just wanted to give you a big virtual hug xxxxx

[chickencam]

I hope that you can come to an arrangement that suits you all. We are going through some difficult options for the care of my dear old Grandad at the moment, finding a compromise that suits all concerned can be hard. Thinking of you (((hugs)))

[Willow]

You have my sympathy, I so hope I am more reasonable when I'm old and my boys are trying to support me

 

We're going through a little of this frustration (but nothing like as bad) with my OH father. He has to move and we've been trying to get him to move close to us as he has no other family in this country. After I've spent hrs trekking around unsuitable property locally with him because he won't give the estate agents a proper brief he has decided to move somewhere 30 miles away inside the M25 (the journey could take from 40mins middle of day with good weather and no traffic problems to a more typical 1-1.5hrs with normal traffic and more if there's a problem of any kind). A place where he knows no one and he just keeps saying 'it's only 35mins drive' when we try and point out that we won't be able to pop in and check on him or sort anything out very easily. If he already lived there it would be different but he has the chance to make life easier for him and us instead he is fixated on wanting 3 bedrooms (for just him). He is trying to get us to say we think the property he has chosen is a good idea to make himself feel better about the decision but I just cannot - first time he falls ill it will prove what a stupid decision it is.

[Alis girls]

Patricia - I feel your pain and your frustration. My aunt (mums sister - my mums dead) says there is nothing you can do. I feel soooo frustrated - I was so cross i am ashamed I tried the "mum would turn in her grave line" - I told my kids send me to Switzerland ( or wherever they put you to sleep0 if I get like this. Shoot me. well dont I dont want them in prison.

i woke up in tears today - quickly pulled myself together as have a 10hour day at work.

[Daphne]

Ali - Is there anyone you can talk to? I have a vague feeling you work in medicine? I was wondering if a body like the Alzheimers Society (or whatever) would have a support group. It seems to me you need somebody to share this burden with, its destroying your equilibrium, and its just not fair on you. Don't beat yourself up about using any levers you have to hand - sometimes emotional stories are the only ones which seem to get through, although don't waste them so the impact is lost.

 

Patricia - If you & OH are your FIL's only support network then personally I would intervene very strongly; there is too much at stake; not so much now, but in the future, assuming your FIL is unlikely to move again after this time. I had a 2 hr journey each way when dealing with my relative. Its too far when they become ill or when there is a crisis - falls/medical issues/domestic problems - which you have to deal with immediately. You can't keep doing it as its both physically and mentally exhausting - the travel, the worry, the care - not to mention the fact that you have to keep leaving your own life and family behind. In fact, if I wasn't self-employed it just wouldn't have been feasible.

[Duncan08]

Its a terrible situation, not helped by the distance covered.

I am not sure if our family set up would suit all but it works really well for us and has for the last 8 years.

 

My brother who is now 40 has Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus, he is looked after mainly by my mum.

12 years ago my dads pension fund went bust, Their mortgage was due to finish about a year AFTER his retirement date.

They sold their home which was very near to us and moved to North Wales, about 30 minutes drive away.

Then about 18months before he was due to retire he was made redundant.

My mum has never worked with having to look after my brother, but as she reached retirement age the carers allowance was stopped. My mum is also not in the best of health and my dad has had cancer with several ops and radiotherapy, but is OK at the moment.

 

My husband and I found a house which had a reasonable area at the side of the house. Mum and Dad sold their home in Wales and we used the proceeds to build a single storey extension for them. They now have a big lounge, a small bedroom and a wet room which is all pretty much self contained. My brother lives in the old kitchen, and we put a new one behind the garage. We could have put a kitchenette in the lounge and hardly ever seen them but we share the kitchen and dining room as we do like to cook and eat together.

 

It works for us, because the spaces are self contained, (we have the whole of the upstairs to ourselves), we all have some privacy.

We pay all the bills, Mum and Dad buy the food, so they now have enough money to take a holiday, go out for dinner. They have me there so there is someone to help out with my brother if they want to go away or when mum is not too good.

We have on site odd job man and cook! who also does the ironing most of the time. Dad is cheif egg collector.

We also have live in baby / dog sitters.

 

Disadvantages, loud son and husband, quiet mum dad and brother. Sometimes feel stuck in the middle. We have spent the inheritance! As an extension the true value of an individual property will never be realised, but that isn't something that bothers me.

 

Not sure of course how you would feel about him moving in, even in a separate way. But if you thought you might like it if you can find a way of putting it to him that it would be mutually beneficial or even doing you a favour then it may be a solution.

Its not for everyone though. I know a dad and a daughter, he thinks our lifestyle is great and keeps offering to buy a big house for his daughter and her family and him to all live happily ever after. Unfortunately he isn't very good at keeping his opinions to himself and she is having none of it!!!

[Alis girls]

I suspect I would beat dad to the grave if he lived with us. He would never understand that we needed space and time. When he comes down he is very needy and I think he always has been - i wonder if thats why my mum was such a difficult character - she;d had enough.i like the idea Duncan - we have got a garage which we could I am sure have renovated with sale money but I dont think its the answer for us. I also have the 2hour drive but I think I might if it gets hard go by train as I worry about crashing esp when stressed.

To add to my misery I found today my job may not be safe. I am trying to stay positive and am determined not to go back on antidepressants as I;m down to 1/2 tablet a day having wearned myself off.

Thanks for your replies - and forgot to add - i regulalry post on Talking point on dementia forum.

[Duncan08]

It is a big decision.

 

But you can only do so much and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.

We spend lots of time worrying over things we have no control over and that creates a lot of the anxiety.

 

The train is an excellent idea, I find driving very stressful, but find train journeys very peaceful and usually end up very relaxed at the end of one. You can read, watch the world go by and just relax, even if they are delayed there is nothing you can do. It would make a great chance to get yourself back together after visiting your dad.

 

Sorry to hear about your job, another worry that you don't need, but another one you have no control over. Seems to be so much of it about these days.

 

Thank god for the chickens - they keep me sane and give me someone to talk to, I come home from a stressful day and love to get out with them and have a potter. They listen to all of my problems with a little clucking every now and again

Keep your chin up,

[Alis girls]

Thanks Duncan - yes my chickens keep me sane (ish) OH reports bad behaviour from them today which made me laugh. I also talk to the cat. Sad I know

[Daphne]

Talk to the cats - check

Talk to the poultry - check

Talk to the bees - check

 

According to OH I use the same voice for all 3 of the above and also any stray young children that happen to be around

[Willow]

I think using the train when you go visit is a good idea, lets you unwind and safer if you're stressed.

 

re state of his house - unless it's in danger of being a health hazard I'd be inclined not to worry. Whilst it's not always the case many older people get less concerned about cleanliness as much as they get older so if he's safe and it isn't bothering him leave it. One less thing for you to worry about - just wash your teacups before having a cup of tea

 

I don't know how much help social services local to him can and are providing, I'm sure you have investigated.

 

I know it's different for you when it's your dad but I'm inclined to think when my FIL does need help he'll have to manage with what we can do and I won't lose any sleep over it since he went ahead with his ridiculous property wish list that couldn't physically be meet in either of the two lovely market towns close to us and refused to consider any form of compromise on his list (and I have my own parents who aren't getting any younger and may also need support). I have a new contract that takes me 80 miles (160 round trip) the opposite direction 2-3 times a week. My OH already goes 85 miles (170 round trip) once a week in another direction that goes slightly nearer where FIL will be living but goes other way around M25 and he stays away 1-2 nights a week. Oh and we still have two teens, my family, community commitments, chickens (!) and friends we'd like to spend time with. Frankly I'm not going to be able to drive 40-90 mins to check on him let alone willing to

[Alis girls]

No I am going to take a step back. SS offered help some years back but he sent them away Frankly he is with it enough to be awkward - so until things are so bad I think for my own sanity I will have to leave be. Oh and thanks for warning on teacups Patricia - I have had many a cuppa in dodgey cups when I used to do home visits and am still standing so I suspect my insides will survive.

Thnaks for your advice everyone and support - families are too close to you sometimes and only those a bit more removed in similar situation seem to know what you are going thro.

I really like Duncans set up but it wouldnt work for us or many others I suspect. I think we'd end up killing each other.

[Valkyrie]

Nah, you haven't lost the plot - you're just human. Did much the same with my mum just about a year or so ago. Because of her constant checking up on me - she'd ring my home phone and mobile at the same time. But she's able bodied, able minded - no excuse for her apart from age. She lived 10 minutes up the road and I did so much for her - but it wasn't enough. OH was sorting her finances for her - she still was in control, but he helped savings and stuff to get better interest for her. In the end she didn't trust us with her money (anything that went out of her accounts was purely down to her). She caused a lot of problems between myself and my brother - one item on her statement said "pay roll" and a company name. It turned out to be a payment in regarding my dad's pension!!! She read it as going out and my brother assumed OH was sending payments our way! Things went really downhill from there. Needless to say we are not on speaking terms now (there were a lot of other things all mixed in and I forget the order of happenings and it was totally unpleasant). She was really miffed when I took my daughter to work when her car broke down as I might not make it back in time to take mum to the docs. It was only a 10 minute walk for her and she gave me a really hard time guilt tripping - which was any time that she didn't get what she wanted. It was like snap fingers and Valk comes running like an obedient dog. As it was I made it back in time, but she'd already left the house half an hour beforehand. I did take her home though - and got the huffy treatment.

I also got "you don't phone me any more". That's because I saw her 3 days in the week and I didn't have to use the phone!! But she still marked it on the calendar when I did - also when my brother rang. She pointed out how many times he called compared to me. Like I said 3 days a week and she was almost living with us at one time - she'd stay overnight and it ended up 4 nights on the trot because she didn't want to go home! So his one phone call a week was wonderful. He visited probably once every 3 months or so.

This February she moved near my brother about an hour and a half drive away. He is now her financial advisor (well, he can't really be bothered like OH so it's all up the creek now). The move was very quick, but she didn't have a phone working when she got there and the previous owners took their cooker - all of this should have been noted and sorted. She was without a phone for 3 weeks and without a cooker for 6 weeks. I can't begin to tell you how smug I felt! My brother is so fantastic though. He has bought her a shopping trolley and she has to walk to the shops (I drove her to Sainsbury's and Waitrose every week). She has to walk to the doctors - 20 minutes to get there. In all I pampered her so much that when he takes her to Stourhead for a trip it's the best thing in the world. I feel she's more alone than she was here, but there's nothing I can do about it. But the freedom I have now . . . !!!

So don't think bad of yourself - talking to my neighbours they have at some time lost the plot with their oldun's too - and they all seem to be very similar. I have requested to be dispatched when I start doing that!!! Although that part was very well received by DD - a little too well methinks. I just hope I'm not dispatched long before I get to that stage now!!!

 

Sorry - this is a bit long. Ranted a bit myself!