patsylabrador Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I have had a bad few days in my head, I kept it all wrapped up inside me but I know you won't mind me letting it out here. Despite all the great advice and support on here I have been letting the situation with my parents fester in my mind. I realised a few days ago that it doesn't matter what I do now because they have cut ties with me anyway. I thought we had a good relationship and that we were close even though I know it was totally conditional on me never, ever saying or showing anything remotely critical of a family member. His behaviour made that impossible, I challenged their response and have been dumped, utterly. I'm just trying to deal with that rejection because it makes you wonder if your parents ever loved you and I find myself questioning my past. I always assumed that everything they did, even if I didn't like it, was done with a degree of love, now I'm not so sure. It's very unsettling but my sister is going through the exact same and we are very close now. In fact we're having a fun Halloween holiday this week with our husbands and as many of our kids that can make it. Every cloud and all that..... I think I need to give time a chance to work it's wonders and things will settle. Thank you for giving me the place to write this down, it does help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PixieDust Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I am sorry you feel so sad. I don't know your circumstances so can't offer any really constructive advice other than keep that relationship with your sister going strong. We don't choose our families. But you can choose who you want to share time with. Questioning the past is obvious but try not to. If other people choose to cut you dead then walk away knowing you did all you can. I know it's harder when it's family. We come into this World alone and we leave it alone. Only gather good people around you. I am sure the past was genuine. Think of it that way and just move on. Big hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purplemaniacs Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Sorry to hear that things are difficult. Families are so hard to cope with at times, I was an only one and often wished for brothers and sisters but at times I think I was perhaps better off without siblings. Parents can be quite cruel, my OH's mum always favoured his younger brother and despite his life following an unconventional path he was always the best son, when she was diagnosed with MS he couldn't cope and left the country so he again went up a level as he couldn't do or say anything wrong whereas OH and I were doing a lot of daily caring and sometimes things were difficult so they were our fault, not the brothers as he was out of the picture. Sadly OH and his brother don't speak now, OH's mum and dad died over 10 years ago now but it is still difficult. I talk to OH's brother via email occasionally and DD talks to him but I don't think OH will ever speak to him again. Brother still lives abroad and has never come back to this country since. Oh dear, I have gone on now. It is really good if you and your sister are now getting on well. I think you have to try to see the positives of that relationship. As a grandparent now I think your parents are the ones missing out as I think you get so much pleasure from grandchildren and that was certainly the view of my mum, she was so happy that she enjoyed some years knowing her two grandchildren. Take care of yourself and enjoy the relationship you have with your sister. Perhaps sharing your feelings with your sister will help you both to come to terms with how things are. Chrissie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Hang in there. You have your sister and you are enjoying yourselves. It took me 6 months of citalopram to realise it wasn't anything I did wrong - I was trying too hard to please everyone and never had time for myself. I still find it difficult to be selfish but I am learning - still feel guilty at times though. It is their loss and time will make them think twice. If they can't see their huge mistake then don't waste your time and your worries over them. They really aren't worth it - stay with the ones that make you happy. Hard I know when it's your parents - I was lucky, I only have one like that. My dad was a lovely man - and now I know why he spent so much time in the shed and the greenhouse . . . to get away from my manipulative, nagging, selfish mother. Life is far to short to dwell on unpleasant people. Says the person who still feels a bit of injustice has been dished out to her. Karma, think karma!!!!Ooooohhhhmmmmmm! And sending you virtual hugs because you need them big time.xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Thank you. I do feel better today, it seems to come in waves. MS asked me yesterday that when the world is full of millions of people, why was I clinging on to the tiniest few that hurt me and that has changed my perspective considerably. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucky Mama Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 They are the problem not you. You can't change them but you can change you. Move on and spend time with people that make you happy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Driving son to work today and he was on his Mr Angry soap box. He's very disappointed with my closed mind. Hey don't think you are the first kiddo - you are just one more in a long line starting with my mother! Did he upset me? Yes it was a very quiet thoughtful ride home. But hey ho - he's an idiot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadietoo Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it Patsy Labrador. I didn't have the best relationship with my mum, before she died when I was 25. I was an only child, and so was the focus of her displeasure quite often. I never felt quite good enough for her.....but when I held my daughter in my arms for the first time as a brand new mum I realised for the first time how much she must have loved me, even if she had trouble showing it......and was able to make peace with her. Letting go of the hurt was the best thing I ever did for me and I really recommend it, whether or not you are able to actually arrive at a truce with your parents. We are all products of our upbringings and my mum, born at the end of the twenties had had a really tough time of it, but looking back I think she tried her hardest. with me I know I haven't got everything right for my two children, in spite of doting on them and trying hard not to be distant and critical like my mum, I still have had my moments. I don't know the background to your current situation, I was just prompted to post because you were questioning if you had ever been loved by your parents. I'm sure the answer is yes.....you've held your own babies, how could they not have felt the same way? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvachicken Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I just wanted to send you a massive virtual hug. I hope things work out happier for you soon. xxxxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Sorry to hear that you are feeling down, PL. Tho it can be really hard, sometimes you just have to accept that relationships won't work out and try to move on and concentrate on the relationships in your life that DO work and put your efforts and love into those. Leopards rarely change their spots so invest in the people that you love and are closest to and put those who refuse to engage to the back of your mind. However, sometimes you have to allow yourselves to 'mourn' relationships that havn't worked out before you can move forward so be kind to yourself. Hope things brighten up for you very soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Hope you're feeling a little better today . I agree with all the sentiments above and especially your wise MS's comment about not clinging to the few that hurt you. It's hard to get over the hurt and bewilderment but you are very lucky to have your sister, who at least knows exactly what you're going through. Concentrate your energies on your great kids, know that it's nothing you've done and they are the ones that are losing out. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandmashazzie Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Agree with all everyone has said.Have you thought of counselling.Sometimes it is available in your workplace totally confidentially.It just might be good to talk out your feelings,to help you come to term with the end of your relationship.Even if never good it is still a huge loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 Thank you so much everyone for your messages. Sorry for not responding, I was in a very isolated spot in Lincolnshire without WiFi and only sporadic 3g. It's such a weird time for me and my sister and your support does help me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 I feel for you Patsy - hope you can move on. I never felt I was good enough for my mother. Sadly shes dead now but I would love just once to say to her - look I have a lovely husband, 2 sons and an assortment of beasts to share my life and ok my jobs been giving me angst recently but I can feed and clothe us. i have lovely friends and I suffer depression and prob always will but I'm a good person with a good heart and frankly I dont think I've turned out bad. She had her own demons like we all do - you need to try and put it behind you - its not easy I know but you have a husband and family and lots of friends and although I dont know you personally - your posts show you are kind, very wise and a good listener. Counselling might help - I hope you can move on. Hugs Ali x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...