tara Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 Hello thought I'd put how I'm feeling this evening ,, my dad died 3 years ago had only been close to him for about 5 years as we was up and down ,, but I grew to think so much of my dad I'm now 37 he died when I was 34 ,, in 2011 then a week later my mum was diagnosed with dementia ,,anyway last year my marriage which wasn't a happy one ended after 17 years ,, I met a wonderful man and we recently started living together we both have 2 kids so with 4 kids where a busy house at times I get very sad and low because I see how he has all his family all the normal stuff he has lovely parents who see family very important ,, he has loads of family his kids often go to grandparents to have dinner with out him ,, he says he don't like going because it's leaving me ,, this morning his boys where going around his parents for dinner so I held my tears in and said babe why don't you go with them for dinner as he's not been with them since I moved in ,, I don't want him to give up his family time so I said to go ,, but I went upstairs and just cried ,,he says how where all family and he loves me more then his ex wife ,,I feel sad as I miss my family atmosphere and being with them having fun ,, but also his parents don't invite me and my kids his mum cooks for loads of people all the time. I wouldn't want to give her extra work but even if they where going out for a drink or all playing cards or board games why not invite me ,, makes me feel like it's just me and my kids because when it comes to it where not family.. I don't want to ask him why I'm not invited as it would never be a genuine invite anyway but if that was my parents I'd say to them to come ,,, today I've been tearful and low because it's a reminder he has what I don't ,, finding it hard today hearing all about them from the boys when they get bk and knowing my kids don't have that ,,,just all of it ,, I love and enjoy my children just like he loves his but he's so lucky to have the full family ,,, my mum is very ill and my brother don't want to know Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 Hi Tara - sorry you are feeling so low. Its tough being a mum and you sound like you have had a tough time in recent years. Hugs coming your way. several thoughts Have you considered any counselling for your self? i dont know how old all the kids are. Many kids aclimatise to not having grandparents - my ES only had 2 grandfathers and my YS only knows my dad. If they have missed out they have never said and I know they would. YS's friend has 6 grandparents as 2 have divorced and remarried - but no hunky dory - lots of issues so more doesnt always mean better. Have you spoken to your partner? Did his ex get on well with his parents? if so maybe more difficult to step in but not impossible. You are his partner now so they should accept you and your kids as a package. As his kids live with you even more so. What if you marry? I think you need to sit down with him without the kids and discuss. Or ask his parents to you - neutral ground??? Finally being quite a bit older than you in recent years we have surrounded ourselves more with friends as family left are ageing and you can choose who to spend your time with. I think kids cope better than we give them credit for. You may also have soem depression - probably speak to your GP for help. Good luck and lots of hugs - Ali xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tara Posted November 12, 2014 Author Share Posted November 12, 2014 I have been through a very hard breakup my ex was aggressive ,, I have suffered from depression over the years where I just feel people would be better off without me once they got over it ,, silly I know but Its just a feeling nothing more ,, plus only sometimes ,,I'm also dealing with issues over my ex wants to see the kids he wasn't aloud to for a year as injunction in place ,, so the thought off not having my kids with me is awful anyway somthing I got to get used to ...today I went past a graveyard and had tears because the only way I can spend time near my dad is his ashes my partner says he don't want to leave me so the choice he makes is not to May be they don't like me and he knows they seem too though , he asks me to other family things but not the very immediate ,,,his dads birthday is coming he's said about that not sure if I even be invited ,,, just bothers me how it's a choice of leave me or go with out me I'd never do that to him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mollyripkim Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 Haven't really got any advice but didn't want to read and run. Seems like you have an awful lot on your plate over the years, I think sometimes it just all builds up and has to spill out. It's a shame your new partner's family haven't embraced his new relationship. He sounds lovely and is probably caught in the middle, could you invite them round to your home? I guess there is no easy solution but please look after yourself, sending lots of hugs xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 I'm not much good at offering advice for this situation either but just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time . I have very little immediate family too and often feel sad/jealous when I see others with big happy families (although the truth is probably that they all have problems too). Your partner does sound lovely and understanding so just try to remember that rather than feeling left out. (You might find that you'd hate it if you did actually get an invite so maybe you're better off staying at home .) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkysmum Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. Like ANH I dont feel I can offer advice but tomorrow is another day and my hope for you is that tomorrow you will feel a little better. Please look after yourself as we can only look after others if we feel well ourselves. Keep us posted. Axx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gavclojak Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 Gosh at the risk of sounding hard why do you feel so bad when he visits his parents? I would welcome the free time,have a nice soak in the bath, watch what you want to watch on TV and generally have a bit of me time. Don't spend time worrying about what you can't change and try not to sabotage this relationship because of what happened in another time and place! If you really feel your kids are missing out on grandparents then why not buddy some old folk in a nursing home and they can be faux grandparents! My daughter in law lives a long way from her nan so she does this and loves every minute of it. Chin up! Onward and upward sweetie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tara Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 We had a long chat last night when he came back I explained how hurt I felt that he didn't want to involve me and my children ,, he said he wanted it to be special time between his parents and his kids ,, I sa d so us being there is going to ruin there evening ,, we live together we are a family to me that's living separate still ,, I may say no babe it's fine I'm going to have a bath but I should have been offered ,, I have hardly any family and it hurts to feel like I'm nothing when it counted ,,, he also blamed my 7 yr old son who has ADHD as he might have a tantrum which I can't understand as my son loves him to bits and give him his ipad he's fine plus he don't have that many tantrums unless where shopping he also said his parents don't know the kids very well I reply was how are they going to get to know them then ,,, they live 10 min away it's not like we can't see them loads ..I'd have never done that exclude the person I love or have set my life up with ,, ,, today we have spoken more and I've cried he has relised how hurt I am and says he's so sorry he gave me a cuddle and said he knows he needs to change ,, he said 2 weeks ago he hadn't been because he felt guilty about leaving me I said why do you have leave me why are they your only opioins. I think he's seen it from my side today especially when I reminded how much my kids think of him and he says he dose them but he left mine out,, I won't forget it I can't but I love him and he's a good man just don't think at times ,,As for me time yes I love me time if I was offered but not to be asked would you like to come to my parents just hurts ... Thankyou everyone I've kept reading all your comments Thankyou for giving up your time to read and reply Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 Well done Tara - hope something positive comes of your chat. The "happy famillies" thing is thrust down our throats esp at this time of year. Chin up kid and I am sure with time things will improve. Keep us up to date with things Ali xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
percy049 Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 Feel free to vent on here anytime, it helps a lot to let your emotions out x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvachicken Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 Just wanted to send you a hug and hope you are feeling happier about things today. Every one on here is fantastic when you need a pick me up. xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandmashazzie Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 Good you had a chat Tara. Perhaps as said the way forward is to get to know each other better.Could you meet up outside for a walk,then coffee,then the kids could run off some energy and it would only be an hour or so.Build the bridges slowly and hopefully things will improve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 Percy049 is right. I've had a rubbish experience with family this year and have found the support on this site very encouraging and hopeful. One of my sons has given me some good advice - firstly he said that the best revenge is to live well and I think what he meant was to crack on and have fun and do stuff and ignore boring people who don't value you. It's amazing how people start to want to be part of what you are doing. Secondly he asked me why when there are millions of people in the world, why was I clinging on to the tiny number that are hurting me. I've found both of these a good and strong base to work from. It must be very difficult for your OH but my pride would make this situation too difficult for me. Compromise but don't be a doormat. If it was me I'm afraid I would plan alternative, fun things when I was excluded. A simple pizza and movie night for you and your kids, chocolate and wine for you. Be strong, if there is one thing I've learnt this year it's that family isn't all it's cracked up to be. That really is the best advice I can give - I just think that if you've been the best you can be and people disrespect you then blow them. You are who you are and that is great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tara Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 We did talk but inside I'm still very sad to be excluded and when he said am I selfish for wanting my kids to have time with there grandparents that cut deep ,, I've lost my family I'm still grieving for my dad plus my mums illness of dementia is hard to cope with knowing she's getting worse I've lost the mum I had so my family is no more ,, my mums family never include me I suppose they don't feel I need it but yes I so want my family to help support me take this pain away to know I have people that will be there because you have that connection ,, my partner has been through none of this I remember my dad playing with my kids and enjoying them coming up at Christmas ect my mum doing the mum stuff buying gifts for each other just so very special ,,I am struggling with all that loss everyday meeting my partner and moving in together 17 months later I thought I could enjoy his family but it's not to be they don't include me it's his dad's birthday today my partner is at work but his kids who live with us have gone for a meal out with his sister and his parents plus all the grand kids and his sisters foster kids so I wasn't thought of as wasn't invited I may have said no Thankyou but wasn't asked ,, I've felt down since this all happened Wednesday as he said he wanted his kids to get all the attention ,,, I did say to him they are 14 and 11 and are your parents on there death bed where they only have moments to live ,, plus I brought up ask the boys I bet they wouldn't have cared if we was there just him that didn't want us ,, but his own parents didn't ask about us weird because I get on with them ,, just hurts I have to try and realise I'm not part of there family no matter what I've already lost my own I can't loose another today we've talked and texted he has asked if I'm ok I've said I'm still hurting he has said he's sorry he hurt me and he promises things will be different but he still did it ,, I don't want to feel this pain but can't switch it off ,, this evening I've taken my kids to get new shoes for my son who has ADHD he was very hard work I could of cried I also treated the to eat out somthing that should be fun turns out to be horrible as he's rude to me he's hyper he can't be still and cheeky ,,,, I just feel what's the point in my life it's just heart ach and struggle I'd like to say Thankyou I've been so lucky reading all your replys your people that care for that you all mean a lot Very kind Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mullethunter Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Hi Tara. I'm finding your posts really difficult to read. I really wish I could suggest an easy fix for you but I'm afraid I can't. What I can do is say that however hard it clearly can be, it sounds like you're being an excellent mum to your own children. It must be heartbreaking when you're just trying to enjoy a nice meal out and it goes wrong, but please try to take comfort in the fact that you are giving them those experiences. One day your efforts and love for them will be appreciated. As for your partner, I don't want to say too much as I don't know either of you but it sounds like he should do more to get his parents / family to realising how much they're hurting you. It may be that they're wary of including you and your children in case the relationship doesn't work out. But your partner needs to make them see its serious and that you ARE part of the family. Lastly - do you have any friends outside all this you can talk to or spend time with? It sounds like you could do with some 'me time' too. Good luck Tara and don't give up. You're clealry a caring person and a good mum - I hope things get better for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tara Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 Plus he knew I had a son with adhd when he dated me and asked me to move into his house ,,, he wants me to think of his house as ours but I can't legally he could ask me to go ,, the plan was for me to go onto his mortgage but it can't be done ,, so I always feel like i live with him ,, he has said to me he feels I haven't connected to the home as if it's ours ,, I don't intend on putting my soul into this house then to loose it ,, I pay the food and gas and loan amount for our extension I've also got savings which I intend on keeping aside I've been homeless last year with 2 kids and I had no money I'm not going there again ,, I was diagnosed with depression years ago because of fertility problems I guess I have it back ,, my ex keeps blaming our problems on my mental state not his aggression at all he used to push us about and put us up walls my daughter he kicked until she was bleeding. I wasn't born like this but had to cope through horrible stuff ,,My partner wants us to go to his parents for Boxing Day but not sure if I want to feel if I'm not good enough other times then stuff the lot of ya ,,,, not sure I mean it though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandmashazzie Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Tara if you haven't already I would really urge you to go to your GP.You are coping with so much at the moment and with the stress of Christmas it will be very hard for you.You have left an abusive relationship ,you have been depressed in the past,you are coping with ADHD ( is he on any treatment? ) and now stress in your new relationship.Your new partner may be torn between his family and you,but it is up to you both to work this out.Do accept the offer at Christmas,but only what you feel you can cope with.Maybe lunch would be too long and stressful if you are worried how your son will behave,maybe suggest calling towards end for pudding and coffee.As said you are a good mum,try and speak to someone who can help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tara Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 Thankyou feeling a little better this week I've relised I havnt grieved over my dad and not having my family never easy my mum hasn't been well on top of her dementia ,,, been crying a lot recently my partner has explained he hates seeing me unhappy ,, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvachicken Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Glad you are feeling a little bit better. Things take a long time to sort themselves out and sometimes even the smallest thing can make us upset and cry. Keep smiling. You know we are all behind you with hugs xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mollyripkim Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Hope you are continuing to feel a bit better this week, just wanted to say thinking of you, take care.x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tara Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Ah that's so nice I'm up and down missing my dad loads and with my mum getting worse and all families getting together feel emotional ,,,, hard talking to my partner as he wont understand the loss he's still got loads of family including support that's really kind of you,,,k I need a kick up the butt I think Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlottechicken Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I haven't commented on this thread before as I really don't have experience of what Tara is going through (apart from losing a parent) so don't feel qualified to offer advice. What I did want to say was you most certainly do not need this! I need a kick up the butt I think Take it slowly, if you have countryside near, wrap up and go for a walk, that nice fresh air will make your lungs feel better at least. Oh, and have a big (((((hug))))) from me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tara Posted November 26, 2014 Author Share Posted November 26, 2014 I feel so lucky having had you all comment and be so so nice ,,I've felt like there are people that care and understand Thankyou with everthing I have ,,, I need to learn to talk and not bottle things up so glad I have this site and all of you ,, gona clean my chooks today always enjoy there company ,,, then work tonight so will be having my yankee candle on and chilling this morning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlottechicken Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I've got the lid off a Yankee Candle at the mo, it's Mistletoe I sit mine unlit on the radiator shelf, that way they smell nice but I don't have the burning candle smell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mollyripkim Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Hope you enjoyed cleaning the girls out, don't know about you but I find them very therapeutic. Was crawling around the run today poo picking with lots of curious little faces and some jumping on my back, definitely made me smile. Know these things won't change the bigger picture but it's nice to have something that makes you smile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
