Will hoey

[bluekarin]

Our youngest daughter, 15, has quite a up down relationship with her friends. For the most part they get on, but then something happens and they fall out. She is friends with two people in particular, and I suspect these two hang out a lot more and our daughter gets left out of things.

We bought the tickets (they were to pay back) for a gaming convention this weekend for all three and were meant to be taking them up there tomorrow morning. We got her to double check with her friends they could come and then paid for the tickets. Now it turns out one has family visiting this weekend so can't come and the other doesn't feel like it and doesn't want to go anymore. This one is also saying they didn't agree to go, which is a lie. So now they have fallen out again, with her friends are saying unkind things via Skype.

My hubby is phoning the parents up later as he can deal with these things better, but I wondered if anyone had any advice on how to deal with these friends? Our first instinct is to get her moved from the form she shares with them at school, as they go back in a few days, but it is their final year. I just want our daughter to get out of this friendship and find people who don't make her feel the way she does. She has had such a tough time these past few years, which came to a head a few months ago and she now has to see someone professionally. Her self worth is so low, and I am sure that these 'friends' aren't helping matters at all.

So, how would you feel best to deal with this? Thank you.

[Cinnamon]

Having 2 daughters I know exactly where you are coming from & how you & your daughter feel.

I will never forget that awful 'hollow' feeling you get when someone has been horrible to your child either to their face or behind the curtain of social media.

For my eldest , who had it worse of the 2 of them, her saving grace was school ending& college starting, where she found more people like herself, plus a lovely boyfriend who really helped her. She has always got on better with boys than girls anyhow, as girls can be just plain nasty & "Ooops, word censored!"y

 

I can't think of an immediate solution for your daughter other than her breaking contact with these 2 manipulative nasties & finding her own way for a bit, & hopefully some nicer friends. As its her last year she could try to lose herself in her studies maybe?

 

Good luck.

[patsylabrador]

Can your daughter perhaps do a sort of flexible schooling? I can't remember it's official title but in theory she could do a sort of distance learning, keeping in contact with her regular teachers and nicer children but not at the whim of not so pleasant girls. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful but I remember reading about how that kind of arrangement was very useful to some children. That was before the Internet became so amazing too so presumably it must be easier to set up now.

Is the person she's seeing a sort of councillor? Maybe they have information or ideas about a slightly different approach to your daughter's last year.

I think Cinnamon is right about things improving when your daughter gets off to college.

[bluekarin]

Yes, it is a councellor she is seeing. She has had, well is having, some mental health issues, which are under control currently, but I don't want things like this that are happening to cause a lapse.

 

I have spoken to her about the things you mentioned Sarah, and she agrees. She is going to throw herself into her studies so she gets at least a good pass in art and can go on to college and her hopefully future art career. She doesn't want to change forms, and thinking about it, I think if she did it might make things worse for her. I have said to her to walk into school with her head held high and to just ignore these people. Not to be rude to them, but not to seek them out to hang out with. I am sure, after a while of sitting on her own reading or probably drawing, she will have other people come over and speak to her who are interested in what she is doing. Who knows, maybe she will find genuine friends in her last year. It is sad as one of these friends she has known since preschool.

[Grandmashazzie]

I really feel for you. I too have 15 yr old who has trouble with friendships. I do think sometimes 3 is a crowd and someone will always be left out. I too hate the whole social media thing and have seen some really nasty messages from so called friends.Is there any family that can go in those girls places? I limit my daughter to 1 hour in evening of phone iPad etc and cultivate the one friend she seems to have by taking them ice skating etc. I am looking at it as a get them through this stage and hopefully as they mature and can deal with it college will be better. I was at a course recently and the presenter said school is very tough for some kids and then asked who was still in touch with people from primary school?....no one.Who was in touch with someone from secondary school...1 person,then college a few.She then said these are just stages and just get the kids through and things will improve.

[Bramble]

I'm sorry to read of your daughter's troubles - it brings back rather unpleasant memories of my own school days (all girls school where I was very much the fat ugly duckling and treated accordingly).

It is very hard to offer words of comfort/support and I know (from personal experience) that from here another year of school feels like an eternity to your daughter. I hope she is able to talk to her Counsellor about all this stuff so that she can come to realise that she is a very important individual who has much to offer the world, if her current "friends" don't appreciate her, then that is their problem, not your daughters. I am pleased to hear that she is having help from a Counsellor (even if not specifically for this issue) it wasn't the "done thing" when I was her age, but, with hindsight,having someone independent to talk to then would have helped me hugely.

Sending huge hugs to you and your daughter, I truly do feel for you both xx

[The Dogmother]

I am so sorry to hear this, and know what you and she are going through - been there too

 

It is very common for teenagers, boys and girls to make arrangements with their friends without consulting their parents - it's a sort of trial run of their independence. They make all these grand plans without consulting anyone else, then find that they are either booked to be elsewhere, or can't get the lift they took for granted and it all goes down the pan. Rosie has had this happen to her, and has also been guilty of doing it too

 

It was hard at first, but they learn who to depend on, and who cannot be relied on. One particular friend used to go off and not speak to her for ages; I advised to let her go... if it was meant to be, then she'd be back. If not, then no great loss.

 

Work at building up her confidence and making her own choices; it will help her to deal with this situation.

[sparkysmum]

Have sent you a pm. Take care. Ax

[Valkyrie]

She is not alone. I don't remember my school being as bad as they seem to be now. A huge pecking order seems to be the thing nowadays. My daughter had the same thing and flitted from friend to friend. Then old friend wanted to join in, old friend pushed DD out and then the process kept repeating itself. Exactly the same thing happened to my neighbour's daughter who is now 19. My DD now has some very close friends mostly from her tech college - they weren't even doing the same subjects and came from miles away. She's very happy now. Neighbour's daughter repeated the process during her college years and as a result her results were affected so with the guidance of her teacher she approached her career differently and is now going to uni in September, a year later than her peers. For the most part I think once you get away from school and 6th form college then you meet more like-minded people. I think also if you are on the quiet side then a stronger "friend" will easily start to manipulate - they do seem to like the discomfort they give and enjoy the power that they have.

 

I don't know if it's the same for boys - my son keeps in touch with a few friends from school but a lot more from college - he met some new friends - only turns out to be a younger brother of one of his friends from home! He said he thought he looked familiar!

 

But it is a horrible time for your daughter at the moment - particularly at the stage she's at in school. I feel dreadfully sorry that you are both suffering at the hands of some unpleasant children. It is a form of bullying to a certain extent.

[chickencam]

I had a lot of this when I was at school, the problem is that a year in the life of a 15 year old is a very long time. If I could speak to my 15 year old self, I would say never mind it will soon be over and happier times are coming, but I probably wouldn't have believed this. . She needs to do well in her academic life and leave the happiness vultures behind.

It is so hard seeing your children suffer, hope all goes well. Just keep telling her how worthwhile and loved she is, eventually you will get through.

[The Dogmother]

It's an age when friends, the number of them, and acceptance are all important. As Liz said, we look back now and smile at it, but it is very hard on them, especially in an age when social acceptability is so very important.

 

I'd suggest finding something that she is interested in and can excel at, and then encouraging her to do well at that to boost her self esteem. For example; I work with a lot of very intelligent high fliers (god knows what I am doing there!) there are times when I sit in meetings and wonder what on earth are they going on about, but then I think... well, I bet they couldn't deliver a lamb, castrate it, despatch and dress a chicken/rabbit. Forage the hedgerows, and make their own bread, jam etc. I wonder which one of us would fare better if we had to go back to nature....? We are all good at different things in our own worlds, so help her to find hers, and learn how to shine.

[Alis girls]

i do feel for you. Boys are not exempt from problems either. My youngest 14 was tricked into drinking alcohol by his so called mates. He had a mouthful spat it out and gave them a right earful. He was really angry and humiliated and I was ready to go round the their houses and give them and their parents a right verbal going over. Several of them apologised. He has grown up a lot and seems to be able to hold his own more. A year ago he was in a bad place. I know we arent out of the woods. I worry re uni - but I dont think he'll go not cos hes thick I think he'd be better with an apprenticeship. Good luck - lots of love cuddels and support for her. You have a lot on with one going to uni too. Good you can off load on Omlet. Hugs Ali x

[Valkyrie]

Hmmm I seem to remember with boys if you are a "boff" then you are an outcast, but if you are a "boff" who happens to excel at sports then that's cool. I'd forgotten that.

[Alis girls]

Things dont change = bullying takes many forms - only difference is social media makes it much worse. I was bullied from primary school, secondary was no better - I was skinny, tall, bad haircut (thanks mum) and braces. But things do improve as you get older - now have a good haircut, straightish teeth and a figure of sorts - ok I'd like to be a bit skinnier but at 53 it doesnt always look good. Just be there for them.