xScrunchee Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 All he does is moans!!!! Morning, noon and night he goes on and on over some petty little thing and he is driving me insane! He needs the weather to be ok or else he cannot go to work (window cleaner) and just lately, with the weather being bad he has spent so much time at home I am surprised that I have managed to keep my hands from around his neck-so far!! My house is clean and mainly tidy. Everyone who comes here says that it is spotless although I wouldn't go that far myself but it is reasonable!! He moans! He says that everything is ruined and bashed up, the house is covered in cat fur, bla bla bla. None of this is true! Some appliances have small scratches or marks on them but they are NOT ruined in any way! My house is home to three cats and a dog-all of which have fur and yes-their fur does shed around the house but it gets hoovered every day and is in no way 'covered' with fur! If people listened to the way he speaks they would imagine that I was a right scab and we were wading about in 6 inches of pet hair!!! He has now started moaning about the chickens. He says that the Hemcore is all over the garden and it looks terrible! He says that he thought it would all stay in the run but it is ALL OVER the garden!! He mentioned how he 'doesn't mind' me having all these pets but thought that I would keep on top of the mess!!!!! What a damn cheek!! He just looks for things to moan about and is driving me NUTS!! The garden does have some Hemcore blowing about-it's just Hemcore, no big deal surely?? I do sweep it if it looks bad but I do not sweep it every day-where's the crime?? He kicks up a right stink if he is hungry and sits sulking until his dinner is done, he gets very stressed if the kids happen to 'roll' on the furniture. (Yes ROLL-not jump or leap about, simply roll) When the dog has a mad minute and charges about he starts shouting at her! Don't get me wrong-I am not feeling sorry for myself and I do not run myself into the ground to keep him happy-in fact I doubt I could stop him from moaning anyway. When he starts going on over the Hemcore or things I laugh at him. Not to be nasty but just because he wants me to bow down to him and I won't and I think although laughing annoys him-it's better than arguing or letting him get me down! I have tamed him a little over the years but- Boy there's a long way to go before he is actually chilled!! Am I the only one to have such a wonderful, joyus, laid back OH?? Oooo-that feels better, like counciling this!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Perhaps he could devise a way of making sure that the hemcore stays in the run if it bothers him. If the cat hairs bother him......point him in the direction of the vacuum cleaner. If his tea is not on the table .....point him in the direction of the cooker and tell him to get on with it. They say the best way to show a man what exactly you do all day is to stop doing it.....they soon get the message. Sounds like a bit of corrective training is in order Good luck. Men eh .....cant live with them...can't kill them and get away with it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xScrunchee Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Perhaps he could devise a way of making sure that the hemcore stays in the run if it bothers him. Hardly any hemcore comes out of the run!! It has a plinth around the bottom to keep it all in. It's the bits that we walk out that bother him I think!! If the cat hairs bother him......point him in the direction of the vacuum cleaner. Mmm, he knows where it is and uses it about three times a day including while I'm on the phone or we have people round. He uses it and complains that he is having to! I do in fact use it every day myself but obviously not often enough!! If his tea is not on the table .....point him in the direction of the cooker and tell him to get on with it. He would rather walk to the shops and get 'himself' something than cook Lovely hubby/Dad eh?? They say the best way to show a man what exactly you do all day is to stop doing it.....they soon get the message. Sadly he doesn't get the message. He continues to moan-does some chores moaning that he goes to work etc, he will then be a humpy so and so for days and days to the point where I could literally throttle him! Sounds like a bit of corrective training is in order Good luck.-I need it!! Men eh .....cant live with them...can't kill them and get away with it! It's the not being able to get away with it that has stopped me doing that so far!! I think what I need to do is hand him over to someone else who can be bothered to 'train' him and then I'll have him back when he's half normal. I am willing to pay- pleeeease someone....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura & CTB Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Sounds to me like you need a trade-in Jay!! When CTB and I got married apart from the love, cherish etc I also made him vow to "100% devotion". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xScrunchee Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 How horrid for you, I really couldn't live with someone like that Sure,The Hubby has his down days.He works out of doors too & hates the cold,the wet & the wind. But he is basically a cheerful chap who will do anything for anyone........even me sometimes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I think you should send him over to Egluntine - she took the words right out of my mouth It sounds like he's suffering (sorry, couldn't think of a different word!) from a combination of SAD and OCD............. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xScrunchee Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 The OCD is definitely there-not that he thinks it is. As for SAD-I don't think it's that. He's like this in the summer too!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I think you should send him over to Egluntine :shock: It has taken me 27 years to housetrain the one I've got....and there is still some way to go!! :lol: Seriously though....you need to have a long talk with him....and maybe some professional advice from relate or similar. You are obviously unhappy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I've always been an OC and I find it difficult to cope with Jazz's hair............ and her occasional 'Wall of Death' around the room but I try not to moan too much about it to Carl. Moving to a farm has cured me of some of my obsessive cleaning habits Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xScrunchee Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Seriously though....you need to have a long talk with him....and maybe some professional advice from relate or similar. You are obviously unhappy. It is a tricky one to be honest. I don't want any sympathy though, just a rant every now and again. When we met he liked my animals-7 years down the road it turns out that they are really not 'his thing'! He was also pretty relaxed-well, that's the impression he gave but he is the complete opposite. He is not all bad-obviously, but he is hard work. I am quite good at coping and would not allow myself to be bullied by him-even though that's what I think he tries to do. I am a strong woman and will only do what I think is right even if it means that I have to put up with his moaning/shouting/swearing or going off in a huff!! He is a good provider but lacks basic compassion, paternal skills, empathy etc. We do speak about his ways but it always comes down to him saying that he 'Can't live in a sess (sp?) pit!' 'Cannot live in mountains of pet hair!' etc etc. It is ALWAYS my fault for not seeing things from his point of view. I am a happy person, the kids are happy and we pretty much ignore him. He wants to be miserable and that's fine. We don't so we take no notice of him! He has a pet fur allergy (it's mild be he thinks it will kill him!!), and he says that anyone would see it from his point of view. He moved in knowing that I had 3 cats and a dog-mmm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 hmmmmmm - difficult one Jay. Most people, when they aren't happy, will pick on minor things. I've lived like this with my ex. and didn't want to rock the boat I stuck it for many years and even though I'm a strong person, I was bullied by this behaviour. You sound as if you're coping well - just come and have a rant to us every so often Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 You hoover HOW often? Maybe we could all take photos of our (well, mine!) grubby houses and hemcore-strewn gardens to make him appreciate what sounds like a very clean house/garden. You rant away, girl . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenlass Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Seriously...Do you think he could be suffering with depression at all? Things do seem to be out of proportion when you are not thinking clearly as in depression. Jokingly....If not then perhaps he is just a carrier of depression.. I certainly would have throttled him by now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xScrunchee Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 I make sure he is about when programmes like 'How clean is your house' and 'Life of grime' are on so he can see filth!! I do believe that some people in this world are never happier than when they are miserable I have put up with him for this long but I cannot say that I will put up with him forever. He knows this. He had a strange upbringing and we have VERY different ideas to each other. In some ways I have helped him but just not enough for him to be 'fixed'!! It really isn't too bad and I am not living a miserable little life in fear of upsetting him. He just makes me angry when his demands and expectations are so high that they are impossible to live up to. I have high standards and according to everyone I know-I am a perfectionist and have a very clean, tidy home. I used to have OCD myself. Only mildly but bad enough to take over certain aspects of my life-my Mum threatened to take me to the doctors which frightened me so I started to try to change. Slowly but surely I got over it mostly. Having pets and children helped-almost impossible to maintain perfection when there are so many others messing it all up!! More than anything else I hate his moaning. He moans about everything-a right Victor Meldrew just without the humour!! Never mind-he does have a sweet side (thank god or I think I would have given up years ago)!! If he can 'buy it' it's ok, if he has to 'do it' he struggles. Not in touch with his emotions at all-in fact I don't even know if he has any!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clash City Rocker Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I am the one who keeps our house running, Mrs Clash would be the first to admit that she doesn't:- Cook, Clean, Garden or Iron. All skills I learned in the Army and generally she doesn't moan too much!!! I find moaning is also my role, and most of my male friends approx age 40 would admit the same. When "Grumpy Old Men" first appeared on TV it was considered "funny" now with hindsight I find myself agreeing with all of their moaning. If I watch TV news I can moan about every item without fail (Today I want to rename a chicken "Mohamed"). For every item I publicly moan about there is about a dozen I can't be bothered to moan out loud about. I'm really looking forward to getting old when "moaning" and being "cantankerous" is perfectly acceptable!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beauty-Box Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 You are not alone, Jay. My husband moans all the time too. He moans if the kids leave anything lying about, even if it's just fluff from their socks! He moans if his meals not ready when he gets in from work. He moans about the cat being unhygienic (even though she's on his knee every night). He's moaning about the chickens now because they have stopped laying eggs. He seems to find the tiny things I haven't done in the house, but doesn't seem to notice all the things I do. He moans if I spend any money. On the positive side, he has mellowed with age and He does have a caring side. I just wish he would relax more and not take life too seriously. I'm so glad I'm not the only one living with a misery! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I'm with the others on this - sounds like he doesn't have enough to do, so sits around finding fault - theerfore, if he's not happy with it, he should do something about it HIMSELF, not expect you to do it all. I think that he/you both might benefit from some professional counselling - try Relate first, who will mediate and help you talk things through, or perhaps he needs some help with depression... but then what do I know? Best check with Buffie - she's the professional. You've got friends here Jay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Poor you Jay - helps to get it off your chest occasionally doesn't it? Have you had any time to yourselves recently? My OH and I have agreed to have an annual break away from kids, home, everything, just to remind ourselves what we actually saw in each other in the first place! A couple of nights of 'passion' doesn't half help to put things in perspective (and it cheers up the grumpiest bloke a treat ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I do that with Phil, Snowy (not that he's ever grumpy - that chap has the disposition of an angel). I tell her dad that he's havign Rosie for the weekend and we try to spend some time together - even if it's just being at home and making the time for each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I think you made a good point though- some people are only happy when they're miserable and this in my experience seems to apply to men much more than it does to women. You know how 3-year-olds moan and whinge and find fault all the live long day? Same thing. I take the p*ss relentlessly if OH starts griping and ask him if his hair shirt is giving him gyp or *sniff sniff* ask him if he can smell Burning Martyr as well He takes himself a lot less seriously since we went to Relate 3 years ago and no longer assumes he is judge jury and executioner. I would check into a hotel for a week babe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Oh Rhapsody - that made me laugh! I'm afraid if mine kicks off I just say "can anyone smell burning?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Jay, I have only just read your post. My first thought was that your OH sounds in a terrible state, very wound up. Sometimes it's helpful to stand back a bit and see an unhappy person rather than a downright difficult and rude person. I think it would be fair to point out to him that the language he uses can be very hurtful e.g. calling your home a cesspit when that is a long way from the truth. If he can be more careful with his descriptions that would be a good start, as well as realising that he is upsetting you. Do you think he is out to hurt you deliberately or just out of control himself? Certainly he needs help of some kind whether it is time away together or professional or somewhere in between. There is something wrong. Good luck with it all Jay. I hope you find the strength you need. I am really looking forward to hearing a tale of success and improvement sometime next year!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Why not move him into a hotel for a week and ask him if that is the life he wants because that is what he expects of you - except hotels have different staff to do the laundry, cleaning, cooking etc i am afraid I have to bite my tongue a little as I would offend if I said what I really feel Maybe that is why I live (more or less) alone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunty e Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Ouch. Sounds upsetting. My husband at least admits now that my main role in life is not to keep the house spotless for him to come home to, but it's taken a few years and some pretty difficult discussions to get to that point. I still find myself weeping the odd tear of frustration at his inability to accept that I am not prepared to keep the house like his mother did. I don't know why he wants me to, she was a living nightmare of obsession and compulsion. Tidied for the cleaning lady, that sort of thing. Be strong, and do ignore childish behaviour, but maybe think about some of the good advice earlier in this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
