Chicken Memorials

[The Dogmother]

Why not move him into a hotel for a week and ask him if that is the life he wants because that is what he expects of you - except hotels have different staff to do the laundry, cleaning, cooking etc

 

i am afraid I have to bite my tongue a little as I would offend if I said what I really feel

 

Maybe that is why I live (more or less) alone

 

I think that's what I'd do too Louise, but then I divorced my nightmare, so I;m not the best person to ask for unbiased advice

[chickenlover]

mmm some of these men sound like mine, having 4 children i never get alot of me time, infact the only time i do get is 2 1/2 hours when my smallest is at nursery and i tend to want to go to a friends house and have a coffee and chat. Unfortunatly the other half sees this time as time for me to do house work, so if by chance he is on nights i cant leave the house until it is tidy by which time the little one has finished nursery and i dont get any me time

[feemcg]

It's a difficult situation but I'm afraid I'd be telling him to shut it, as his moaning is dragging you down. I can never understand the people who say their OH's are upset if the dinner's not on the table or the house untidy - what's that all about?, it's not our DUTY to serve up a dinner every night or clean, just like there's no rule that says they can 'opt out' of these things.

 

And another thing that really pee's me off......my ex-MIL wouldn't speak to me when she found out I didn't get up at 6 in morning to make her beloved son's 'pieces' for work..eh? - why would I get out of bed to make sandwiches when he's up for work anyway and perfectly capable of making his own?

 

....sorry, I could rant about things like this for hours, so I'll stop now.

[Tessa the Duchess]

Ginette wrote:

 

Jay, I have only just read your post. My first thought was that your OH sounds in a terrible state, very wound up. Sometimes it's helpful to stand back a bit and see an unhappy person rather than a downright difficult and rude person.

 

I tend to agree with you Ginette, hard though it may be when you are the 'victim' of what I think is mild abuse You really have my sympathies Jay, it must be horrid living in an atmosphere of criticism and feeling very unappreciated I do hope you get some help very soon.

 

I also agree that men in general seem to be gloomier than women, women

just get on with it, they may have a moan to their women friends but they don't take it out on their family. My DH hates Christmas and tends to get really 'difficult' at this time of year but mostly he is an angel to live with we share all boring housework between us, except chicken housework which is mine alone We have been together for over 30 yrs

and I made it quite clear from the off that I was not going to fall into the

trap of the one with the boobs cleans the toilet, does the laundry, cooks etc., etc., whilst the one sans boobs does things like taking the van to be MOT'd and bleeding the radiators, tasks that need doing once a year

 

Tessa

[The Dogmother]

You're not a domestic slave Hon - gone are the times when women stayed at home and were expected to 'keep house' - you both work (I presume) and marriage is a partnership of equals (or should be) so he needs to pull his weight. I'd be inclined to sit down and draw up and agreement about who does what - not in an adversarial way; just to make things clear.

 

My neighbour's son (a total neanderthal) blacked his wife's eyes for 'not keeping house'!!!

 

I am lucky that it's just Rosie and I at home, although it does mean that all the domestic work and DIY falls to me. But when Phil stays at weekends, he is very clear that he has to tidy up after himself or else.

[CatsCube]

Let this be a lesson to your other half, your discription spot on discribes my dad, my childhood memories of him were of him moaning if dinner wasnt ready on time, moaning about the state of the house (it was always tidy) moaning if me or my brother made a noise while he was around, or getting toys out, moaning if he had to pick us up if we went out with our friends, moaning saying we wernt allowed to have friends round cause we made a noise and a mess etc etc you get the picture. About 8 years ago he had an affair and my mum kicked him out. My brother and I have had nothing to do with him since, not because of what he did to mum, but because he was such a misserable old git, who brought us all down. Ever since our family have been a lot closer, we realised after he went that we had spend a long time walking on egg shells round him never really relaxing and enjoying ourselves. Now he is a very lonely man who lives alone in a pokey flat with nothing, all due to being a grumpy old man.

 

That sort of attitude annoys me and my other half can be prone to it too, I have had a few nasty things happen in my life, and the thing that has always got me through hard times is by being positive about the other things I have in life, so when he is sitting their moaning and getting stroppy about pointless rubbish I remind him of how many good things we have in our lives, and how stupid and insignificant the things are that are bothering him.

[chickencam]

I have dragged my hubby largely down to my level over the past 20 years, he now accepts that a house is tidy and a home is a bit rough around the egdes.

 

He has probably improved some of my slovenly habits over the years too. I came from a house with cobwebs and piles of newpapers etc. and he came from a house where his undies and towels were ironed, so some compromises have had to be reached.

 

Communication is key and I aggree that Relate sounds like a good idea I gather they are good at helping couples find some middle ground and I think that you can even go alone at first, although I presume that may not be easy if he is at home a lot.

 

It does sound that he could do with some proffesional counselling of his own to find what is missing in his life. Try to find out what is available for him then have a chat when tensions are low.

 

Good luck

[Louise]

The thing that saddens me is how familiar this sounds like Clare i gave the boot to my husband for reasons I can't go into but it was only after all that I realised I was the victim of what is now described as psychological abuse

 

Had I got shut when in my heart I knew I had to I could have saved myself 3 years of sleepless nights and living in fear AFTER I got him out of the house

 

What I am trying to say is look at how you are treated as it sounds like he is being quite cruel

[Looney]

Poor you Jay, it does sound like a complete nightmare Reading your post brought back memories of a previous relationship and although not exactly the same situation I can clearly recall how someone made me feel and how low....

 

You are not his mother or his nanny and you must try and remember that when he is ranting on. Living with someone is supposed to be about partnership and helping each other out.......He has it well within his capacity to rectify this apparent "mess" that he sees around him but chooses not to as it is easier to release pressure by having a go at you....and I'm not surprised that you are fed up being criticised. It sounds like rather than addressing what is really bothering him (whatever that may be) it is far easier to vent his anger/frustration at you as you are the easiest target.

 

If he is at home because the weather prevents him from working then he should make himself useful around the house. Or perhaps a change of career. But unfortunately I think he has to realise this for himself...

 

Please don't allow him to crush your spirits.

 

(By the way my unborn baby has started kicking me when I've been typing this - obviously stirred up some emotions!!! )

[Looney]

By the way - my Dad reckons his two heroes are Victor Meldrew and Doc Martin (sp?) and prides himself on being as grumpy as possible!!! He is quite funny as well so we all find it highly amusing

 

To top it all, he recently lost his job for telling the Chief Exec exactly what he thought of her......she did provoke him by all accounts.....but he did something that people at his work have been dying to do for a very long time He worked with the elderly and has since received letters from them congratulating him on speaking his mind (along the lines of "we didn't fight the war for people not to be able to say what they think"!).

 

So there can be a positive type of grumpy - if that doesn't sound too ridiculous?!!!

[Egluntyne]

The womene's lib movement and equality legislation hasn't made a heap of difference really has it.?

 

The attitude of so many men remains "woman - kitchen"

 

They are happy enough to enjoy the benefits that a second salary brings, but still expect a 1950's aproned and lipsticked wifey to wait on them hand and foot despite the fact that she may well have worked as many if not more hours than them.

 

As Claret says..marriage/relationships are about partnership, shared aspirations etc. Where is the partnership in that kind of attitude.

 

If you think he might be ill or depressed, encourage him to seek help.

 

If he won't listen to reason, show him the door. It's your home and your children and your happiness come first.

[Joojoo]

If you think he might be ill or depressed, encourage him to seek help.

 

If he won't listen to reason, show him the door. It's your home and your children and your happiness come first.

 

Hear Hear!!

 

Good Luck - I'll be keeping everything crossed for you.

 

Big Hugs x

[Olly]

I read this earlier, but paused before posting ... a few thoughts occur to me, you say that you're ok with it Jay, but it must be wearing to live with someone who is constantly negative.

 

I have a colleague who is always moaning, he obviously loves his wife and son and is proud of them, but he can't talk about them without saying things like 'oh, taxi duties again this weekend - all I do is drive my son around'. We actually didn't know his wife's name for months because he always referred to her as 'she who must be obeyed'! The point here is that people can get into a habit of moaning without realising it, it starts as a bit of a joke or a 'grumpy old man' attitude and becomes constant. I really don't enjoy working with him because he's always complaining.

 

I am divorced, my marriage wasn't always bad in fact a lot of the time it was very good, but when things stopped working it became horrible - we were both constantly picking on each other, and finding fault. It made for a very unpleasant atmosphere. I got out, and promised myself that if I ever met someone else (and it's been a good few years!) then I would not get into or stay in a relationship if I wasn't enjoying it.

 

Real life isn't all romantic moments, it is things like putting the bins out, cleaning the floor and doing the ironing but you can still have a laugh and have fun. It doesn't sound as if you have a lot of fun in your household, Jay. Maybe you could do something together, get away from the house - rediscover the things that made you want to be together in the first place.

[xScrunchee]

Right, where to start......................

Firstly I need desperately to point out that I feel bad that people are feeling sorry for me.

I just had a load of attention because my hens were eating eachother and now I'm getting attention because I live with a moaner.

Feeling quite embarrased . I was having a moan and have given the impression that my life is unbearable, I'm mentally abused, I am unhappy and I need to escape.

I don't live in fear-dread sometimes definitely but not fear. I am not afraid of him at all but I do dread his outbursts.

I am quite a peacable soul-he is the complete opposite. He can fly off the handle over tripping over a dog toy or finding cat hair on a T-shirt. He lives to moan!! He had an odd upbringing-he was the eldest of four brothers and two of them were bought up in care. His Dad would hit him with a belt or the cat 'o' nine tails!!

He came from a family with no love, respect or emotions. He and one of his brothers were running away from home at the age of 5 or 6 but he doesn't remember why. The police knew them well and would take them home.

He has no real understanding of how people feel. He has no sympathy for the homeless, abused animals etc. He knows that it is wrong but it doesn't stir an emotion in him really.

He thinks I am too caring, too sensitive, too kind and so on. He feels this because I posess emotions which he cannot understand. He also says I'm a 'goody goody' because I don't shout

 

We have spoken about him seeing some type of counciler to help him understand why he is so angry.

Can you imagine him telling the therapist about how everything in the house is broken, we live in a 'cesspit', there is cat fur EVERYWHERE!! He would get sympathy not help with his anger!!!!! LOL

 

I do not work by the way-I am a full time Mum of two and I home educate them.

I am not a lazy mare and my house is far from being a cesspit.

I do have days when I cannot be bothered to do certain things but hey-who doesn't?

He has got issues and he is an OCD moaner but in general I am a happy sort of girl

My kids are very laid back and happy too and even the pets walk about like they haven't got a care in the world.

 

Like I said before-I have never needed a man and he knows this. He hates the fact that I do not NEED him, he is here while I want him. I think that should work both ways, people shouldn't be needy. Either one of us is free to call it all off at any point. He also knows that sometimes he comes pretty damn close too.

 

Right or wrong-I have explained to Emmie (8 Years old) that Daddy doesn't think about peoples feelings and when he shouts it is not a personal attack-just his way of communicating! She knows that she's a brilliant kid and that her Dad has some problems which he needs to face in his own time. She is understanding and winks at me if he starts ranting-we know it's HIS problem and not ours!

 

So-he is a pain but it's not all bad. We are all on this earth for a reason-I have learned patience since being with him. Now I have tons of the stuff!!

Sorry this is sooo long.

I am fine I am happy I am a bleedin' saint I think But most of all I am touched by everyone's kind words and friendly advice. Please do not be concerned though cos I am made of tough stuff-take after my Mum!!

[xScrunchee]

I read this earlier, but paused before posting ... a few thoughts occur to me, you say that you're ok with it Jay, but it must be wearing to live with someone who is constantly negative.

 

 

Real life isn't all romantic moments, it is things like putting the bins out, cleaning the floor and doing the ironing but you can still have a laugh and have fun. It doesn't sound as if you have a lot of fun in your household, Jay. Maybe you could do something together, get away from the house - rediscover the things that made you want to be together in the first place.

 

I do agree Olly- it can be very wearing and somewhat irritating but I try hard to not let it get to me and 9 times out of ten I take a deep breath and carry on.

As for fun-when it's me and the kids we laugh till we almost cry. We joke about, act silly and have a great time. Sometimes when he is home we carry on and he might join in-depends on his frame of mind. He is not exactly Mr Jolly as you may have all gathered but he will lark about with the kids sometimes doing silly voices and stuff. Like I said before-he can be ok if you catch him in the right mood. (Y'know, full moon, christmas etc )

[Snowy]

Maybe you need to try some positive reinforcement Jay! If it works on pets and children, who knows? Lots of praise and attention when he's in a good mood, ignore him when he's not!

[Olly]

Hey, this forum is here for us all to have a moan, don't feel bad! Perhaps it is significant though, that what you describe as 'well that's just the way things are, we're fine with it' has actually made quite a few others on here think that it is a more serious problem.

 

Just a thought - you say he doesn't understand emotions ... could he have Aspergers' Syndrome?

My brother-in-law has this. He finds it very difficult to understand other people's feelings. He also has a degree of OCD - has to get up at the same time every day, eat at the same time - even on Christmas Day. This causes some difficulty when we're all staying away at another family member's house and he insists on getting up at 6.00 am!

 

I wonder if your OH has this? He clearly had a very difficult childhood and perhaps he had to shut off feelings, and has never learned to display emotions.

 

I think he's very lucky to have you, anyway (and don't worry, we would never believe your house was a cess pit. Anyway, what's wrong with a bit of cat fur here or there! )

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Just a thought - you say he doesn't understand emotions ... could he have Aspergers' Syndrome?

 

The same thought had just occurred to me! I work with Aspergers kids and his behaviours sound similar to some of theirs.

 

Doesn't help you an awful lot though - sorry . You just keep letting rip on here when you need to .

[Couperman]

I rant, I shout, I swear at inanimate objects, I moan constantly, sometimes justified, mostly not,

 

BUT I very,very,very rarely mean it, and never voice such opinions when Cathy can hear me!

 

It does get scary when you scream at the cupboards, cos the egg cups have hidden themsleves only to here a little voice 'we are over here' (note to self: must stop taking career advice from the voices)

 

There is more to life than tidyness, after the first two or three years the dust doesn't get any worse and you don't need vases as you can grow flowers directly in the mantlepiece top soil!

 

Be happy, tidy later!

 

Kev.

[Guest]

Real life isn't all romantic moments, it is things like putting the bins out, cleaning the floor and doing the ironing but you can still have a laugh and have fun. It doesn't sound as if you have a lot of fun in your household, Jay. Maybe you could do something together, get away from the house - rediscover the things that made you want to be together in the first place.

 

been in that rut, got out of it by doing exactly what you said olly, went on holiday (just a cheap weekend in paris by coach) and started finding things to do together again; visitng galleries, museums, National Trust places- whatever floats your boat etc etc- i think that's really good advice, well it worked for us anyway.

 

Our latest thing together was getting the chickens and although I've pecked his head (pardon the pun) about run/coop security, we're enjoying being chook owners, together.

 

I'm afraid I'm the moaner in this house, so maybe I should put my DLSH on line to give you some advice

[xScrunchee]

Interesting about the Aspergers.

He does show some symptoms-such as routine, not understanding other peoples feelings etc. He also walks off half way through conversations! 'What a charmer!' I hear you all cry!!

 

Mmm, food for thought there anyway.

He is quite obsessive about vacuuming, his morning and evening routines,

even silly little things like cleaning the toilet seat before he sits on it. He cleans it EVERY time he wants to sit on it-without fail. It drives me nuts as the loo seat IS clean!! I might have to take pics of every room in my house so that you can that I am not making him live in a dirty pig sty!!! LOL

The loo seat thing started about 4 years ago when Emmie was tiny and she left a tiny drip of wee on the seat. He got himself in a state and said that living like this-he's surprised we haven't got diseases by now!! So he cleans it before it can use it. His brother who has spent over half his life in childrens homes or prison has OCD to the extreme. (Hand washing until they bleed etc) He also has an anger problem-hense him being in prison for most of his life.

Like I said earlier though-I do not allow his bad behaviour to bring me down or affect me greatly. I used to and he would have me in tears out of frustration but as time has gone on I find myself blocking it out or feeling sorry for the misery he exists in.

I do try to help him and I have a lot of patience but sometimes I like a moan.

 

As for his kids not wanting to know him-he has two children from a previous marriage and neither of them have much to do with him.

I hope that he learns from that and doesn't make the same mistakes this time around but he probably will.

[Egluntyne]

He needs help Jay.

 

It sounds as if he has OCD to a degree too.

 

Could you spare him for a couple of days....my house could do with a good fettling. Just Kidding.

 

Seriously....will he talk about it and go for the appropriate help?

 

I expect that he won't see that he has a problem though.

[xScrunchee]

Nope- he has no problem at all apparently!!

It's just that everyone has a laid back, lax attitude so it seems it's the rest of the world who has a problem!! Apparently most people are lazy and he cannot stand lazy people!!

I was a bit gutted that you put 'Just kidding' after asking to borrow him. I already had half of his case packed!!!!!!

 

I must say again that he does have good points-I wouldn't have put up with him this long if he didn't have but at the same time I also realise that he has big issues. I do believe that with the right help he could live a happier life but untill he see's that, nothing will change.

 

All the while the kids and I are fine I will carry on and help him as much as I can but when the day comes that I feel my children or my sanity are truly suffering-he is out!! I have made this clear to him also.

I am not a nasty cow but will ALWAYS put my children first. I am happy to help him for now. I don't know whether we will be together forever or if I will only manage to help him move on to where he needs to be. Either way-I will continue to do what I am doing untill for some reason I feel that we have reached the end!

I feel more like a Mother/carer/psychologist and peacemaker than a partner when I describe the relationship!!

 

Of course we love eachother and have good times too.

Gosh- this is all very odd. Sounds weird when I read it all back!!

[Egluntyne]

I feel more like a Mother/carer/psychologist and peacemaker than a partner when I describe the relationship!!

 

I think most of us feel like that to a greater or lesser extent.

 

 

Of course we love eachother and have good times too.

 

That is the most important thing.

 

When you stop loving him.......you'll know it's time to end it.

[xScrunchee]

You are not alone, Jay. My husband moans all the time too. He moans if the kids leave anything lying about, even if it's just fluff from their socks! He moans if his meals not ready when he gets in from work. He moans about the cat being unhygienic (even though she's on his knee every night). He's moaning about the chickens now because they have stopped laying eggs. He seems to find the tiny things I haven't done in the house, but doesn't seem to notice all the things I do. He moans if I spend any money.

 

On the positive side, he has mellowed with age and He does have a caring side. I just wish he would relax more and not take life too seriously.

 

I'm so glad I'm not the only one living with a misery!

 

Maybe he has problems too!

There are lot's of people with massive problems or different forms of mental health issues which are never diagnosed.

The only advice I can offer is to only put up with it if you and the children can live a happy life.

If he really makes you all unhappy then maybe it's not worth dragging it out.

I may not seem the best person to offer any words of wisdom but all I know is that while the children and myself can still do the things we like, laugh, have fun and rise above his outbursts-I will carry on but if/when it gets to the point where my children are unhappy and I am struggling to cope and he is having a big negative effect on us-that will be the signal to end it all.

Currently-he lives in misery, we all get on happily. If his ways drag us all down I wouldn't see that as fair on the kids and would have to put a stop to it!!