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The Dogmother

Britain to repossess the US

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A Message from John Cleese:


To: The citizens of the United States of America:


In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates

for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby

give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume

monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except

Kansas which she does not fancy).


Our new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections.


Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.


A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any

of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the

following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.


1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will

be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.


2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the

suffix -ise.


Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').


3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with

filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and

inefficient form of communication.


There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You

will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.


4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. And Benedict Arnold Day

(our national hero) will be substituted instead..


5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using

guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers

and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.


Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult

enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist

then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.


6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if

you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are "Ooops, word censored!" and this is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what

we mean. Holden Monaros are also approved.


8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go

metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.


Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British

sense of humour.


9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.


10 You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling

potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are

thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with



11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will

be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and

accepted rovenance will be referred to as Lager.


South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the

greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.

They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.


American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so

that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English

dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to

having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind

of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough

will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities

to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every

twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of

nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like

they regularly thrash us.


14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the World Series for a game which is not

played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn

cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the

sting out of their deliveries.


15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

monies due (backdated to 1776).


17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never

mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries

in season.


God Save the Queen.


Laugh? I was nearly crying!

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:lol::lol: I hope the US Omleteers find it funny!! Many pop over onto this forum....especially recently!! :lol::lol::lol:


:? I hadn't thought of that.... I'm sure they will.... they have chickens, so they'll have a sense of humour.


I love John Cleese; a real genius!


True enough!


I especially agree with no 2.


This forum often tells me I have made a spelling mistake....when I haven't...and it is usually neighbour, flavour, and something with an "ise" at the end.:? Grrrr. :lol:

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I love these two! :lol::lol:


Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.


14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the World Series for a game which is not

played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn

cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the

sting out of their deliveries.

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In response the US have now decided to take over the UK:


your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon, which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling.


Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). Learn to live with it.


You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh. If you wanted it pronounced "Eddinburra", you ought to have spelled it that way in the first place.


You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".


There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers. Microsoft is aware of this, on your behalf, you know?


Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes, and Welsh characters will not be used since there are no notable Welsh Americans.


The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be "good guys".


You will learn your new national anthem, "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish, so stop "Ooops, word censored!"ing about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a two week period.


You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored (note spelling) strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.


In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers", they are "teasers".


November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. It is July 4th which is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there.


Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of Bud, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia.


There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".


Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so - though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.


Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance.


Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call "beer" is properly termed "ale" and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans. And perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.


All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and your therapist. Therapy, like, will take the place of speaking to family members.


You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.


You may not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town or school (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a 50-mile (not kilometre) radius. We call this hunting.


And we'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".


Thank you for your co-operation

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