4m x 3m Omlet pen, cube, new auto door still boxed and coop light

[BeckyBoo]

...we're about to have our middle daughter aged 5 1/2 and son aged 2 1/2 baptised, in just under 2 weeks actually. I've obviously invited friends and all the family but have had a bit of a shock when OH's Dad announced to him in the pub last week that neither him, nor the mother in law nor their daughter would be coming. This is because we haven't made OH's sister a Godmother. They reckon we said we would, well, neither OH or I remember saying that, if we did it was years ago. I made her my matron of honour at the wedding so she would feel involved and we gave middle daughter her name as a middle name but we don't think we ever said anything like it.

A bit of history, S-I-L is about 37 and still lives at home with her mum and dad. As far as I'm concerned she's still treated like a baby (MIL gets up at 5am to make sure she's up for work, makes her breakfast and coffee and takes it up 3 flights of stairs to her bedroom for her, cooks for her etc etc) Both MIL and FIL are retired and have had terrible health over the last year (cancer for him and a knee op and query mini-strokes for her) SIL works full time but does nothing round the house. ANYWAY. She's not married, hasn't had a relationship in years and years and is the only one in the family like it and who has no children. Subsequently because they're only a 5 minute walk from us she's had a fair amount to do with the children, having them for sleepovers etc although not so much since they moved house almost a year ago.

I sent her a message (seeing as how I went round there after it had been said to OH - I hadn't got a clue this had been said at this stage - and they didn't say a word to me about it) so I sent this message saying sorry but we didn't remember saying we would, and that we'd chosen friends (I've known my friend for 25 years, she's my choice) so that the kids would have someone other than family to turn to, that it wasn't meant as an insult and that I wanted them to reconsider their decision as they would REALLY hurt my daughters feelings if they stayed away. Which they will as she loves all her family - how am I meant to explain to a five year old why Nanny, Grandad and Aunty aren't coming to her baptism? Worse than that, MIL has a twin sister who has two daughters both with families of their own, and I've not had replies from them yet either so it looks like they're all going to stay away. I have to say, my SIL is quite an intimidating figure in the family, she rules her little roost and is very definitely king of her little hill. I REFUSE to make her a Godmother, if I'd have wanted her to be one then we'd have chosen her - she is NOTHING like me or OH, sits eating sweets on her computer or watching films ALL DAY LONG. I'm more of a hippy, grow it, recycle it, animal loving earthy person. I thought Godparents were supposed to be there for your children through their lives and also if something happened to me or OH.

God. This has caused SO much trouble, OH doesn't know what to do for the best, if they upset my children as far as I'm concerned it will be their terminal decision - noone upsets my kids. I can understand if she's disappointed, but surely my 5 year old comes first (I haven't mentioned son as he really doesn't get it and it will, thankfully, all go over his head)

 

What do I do? Personally I want to tell them to go away, and that if they can't put a five year old above their 37 year olds disappointment then I don't want them involved anyway, but it's OH's family.

 

Sorry, this is a real long winded one, Mods - feel free to delete it if it's too much detail, I nearly posted it before but didn't, just writing it has let off a bit of steam.

 

Mrs Bertie

Edited May 26, 2008 by Guest

[chickencam]

Sometimes you just need to let of steam and it can help to sort things out.

 

All of our children have Godparents who are not family members and it has given them great neutral relationships.

 

My ED has a lovely Godmother who is a long standing family friend, she used to be a magiatrate and has seen the world whereas "Ooops, word censored!"ody in the immediate family has ever stepped foot in another country. Her other Godmother is a school friend of mine who I have known since I was 11.

 

DS had a Godfather who is a real eccentric who is very educated and cultured from an Anglo/American family. Our son is quite quirky too and they get on like a house on fire.

 

YD has 2 lovely Godparents who have been our neighbours for 15 years and again can offer loads of life experience which her family cannot.

 

The only family member we have as a Godparent is my BIL who is ED's godfather.

 

Ultimately you have to do what feels right for your child. Families eh

[WitchHazel]

Mrs B, I think you have done what you can, and if they are really going to be so...pathetic (sorry, I can't think of a better way to describe this sort of behavour from a 37 year old) then there isn't really much you can do,

 

If the text doesn't work, you could always go round and say it face to face. And I think you can ask them what they would like you to say to your daughter when she asks where they are. That might make them think a bit.

[Guest]

I didn't really need to read more than a few lines (although I did) to tell you, it's YOUR decision. That is a very selfish and spoiled attitude to adopt and, as you say, they're not just snubbing you they're upsetting your daughter as well which is unforgivable.

 

A similar thing happened to me when I got married in 2006.

 

When my sister got married, she didn't invite my dad's, brother's daughter (our cousin) but she did invite *mum's sister's son (our other cousin), his wife and their kids. The reason is because we see *them all the time. Our other cousin never bothers to write or come round and has wanted nothing to do with us for years (her choice).

 

Then, when I got married, I only had a small wedding and only invited parents, aunties and uncles and 1 pair of friends (the husband of which was my DH's best man!). We decided not to invite cousins as: a) we only wanted really close relatives and b) we couldn't afford a big wedding so wanted to do it small but in style.

 

I invited dad's brother and his wife but they turned their nose up at the invite because of what happened at my sister's wedding which had nothing to do with me!!!!! So, to fill their places, I invited my mum's sister's son and his wife! Which probably put his nose even more out of joint but tough!

 

Who's day is it, theirs or yours? Don't let them spoil it for you by being selfish and childish!

 

Your daughter will have a lovely day regardless!

[Tessa the Duchess]

This is so sad Mrs. B. just the sort of thing that will cause a rift in the family which may carry on for years Personally I don't think you should even contemplate giving in to the SIL and her parents. They are your children and you have every right to choose who the godparents will be. Tbh I'm a bit hazy as to the role of a godparent, looking after the child's spiritual welfare? I think they are being childish and throwing the equivalent of a toddler tantrum, best ignored. I do feel sorry for you though, being in the middle of it all.

 

On the same note, I had a huge dilemma when it was announced that my grandson was being christened 2 years ago. We don't 'do' god in our house, I talked to my son about it and he said he really didn't want his son to be christened, but was going along with it to keep the peace as his g.friend's family are quite religious and always had their children done I went through a phase of feeling really angry about it and considered staying away in protest, DH felt the same. I had a long think about it and decided to go with the flow because I didn't want bad feelings between the two families, I even contributed towards the cost of it all.

 

I think your MIL/FIL/SIL should be made aware of the long term implications of their actions, maybe peace will break out before the

'event'

 

Tessa

[Keanie Bean]

Its such a shame that a nice event has been soured like this for you by a realative, especially one so close to your daughter.

 

Like evey other comment here I agree that it is your decision and ONLY YOU know what is best for your children.

 

Maybe you should point out that it is very unchristian of them to behave this way towards your family. ( I am presuming you are christian with a baptism).

 

Do what you feel is best, but I think you already know what that is,

 

Good Luck, I hope it all ends happilyfor you.

 

Sarah.x

[Mrs Frugal]

Oh dear, Mrs B. Isn't it sad when families try to spoil things. It's your decision who is a godparent, not anyone else's so don't let them try to blackmail you into making a decision you're not happy with. If they want to throw a strop and not come to the baptism, it's their loss. You'll have a good time whoever is there because it's yours and your children's special day and don't let anyone spoil it for you.

 

Enjoy the day and I hope that your inlaws realise how silly they are being in time to change their minds and join in.

[Cooks]

This is really sad and I totally feel for you, but like others have said you cannot give in, SIL sounds like a bully to be honest who wants everything done for her and her own way.. 37 and still getting her mother to wait on her???!! you dont want that as a godparent do you?

 

You made your decision, she has to live with that and obide by what you think is right for your children, they are your children not hers, therefore she has no say in this decision.

[Egluntyne]

Oh dear.

 

Who you decide to ask to be godparents to your children is entirely up to you and not up to your FIL.

 

They are going to deprive themselves of a lovely family occasion, and surely they must realise the day is about the children and not them.

 

Happy Families eh?

 

I hope you have a wonderful time, with or without them, but please don't allow them to bully you into making a choice that you would rather not have had foisted (is that a word?)upon you.

[Guest]

Oh Mrs Bertie, I am sorry. How horrible for you.

 

We made a point of NOT asking family members to be Godparents. I felt quite strongly that they were already important people to our children and didn't want to 'cloud' the role by having the person as two things. Your SIL is already an aunt. That is very important and gives her a proper role with your children. I would boost this side of things and I hope it can all be smoothed over very quickly.

 

It's lovely news anyway and I really wish your lovely children every blessing at this special time.

 

We were very put out that DH's brother refused to come to our children's christenings. He is a committed Christian but does not 'believe' in infant baptism, so refused to come. We were very hurt for our children - but soon got over it with a bit of angry dismissal on our part!

[chickencam]

We are not church goers, only at Christmas. My husband was both Christened and Confirmed, but I was not because my parents felt that i should have my own choice later in life.

 

I would have much rather have been Christened when I was little because that would have made the church seem less formidable when I was older.

 

We decided to have our children Christened so that they could then make the choice in their teens as to whether or not to be confirmed.

 

I was Christened along side my ED when she was 6 months old - the vicar didn't tuck me under his arm though

 

Each and every family have to do what feels right for them and their children, hopefully your family will take a more Christian view and come round.

[Olly]

Agree totally with others on here - it's YOUR decision. The responsible thing might have been for them to say they were hurt by the decision and ask to discuss it - not to act in this way. They are definitely not putting the children first, and that alone would rule your SIL out for me, as a godparent!

 

I actually thought it was more usual not to choose family members, but to choose close friends as godparents - the aunts and uncles will always be there for your children (at least, one hopes so! ) but this brings those close friends into the family circle and gives them a little bit of status and hopefully ensures they will maintain contact with your children as they grow older.

 

Stick to your guns. They are being very selfish if they insist on this, but the last thing you should do is give in to this sort of childish blackmail.

[Guest]

I agree entirely with what Olly has said and I certainly would not be bullied. They're your children and you decide what you want for them.

 

BUT, in case you decide to concede and smooth things over, you can of course have as many Godparents as you wish. So your SIL could be a Godmother, the family would feel happy and from that day forth you can continue to treat the 'real' ones as you would have done and continue to treat her as an aunt.

[Egluntyne]

I would say don't have her as a godparent if it is not really what you want.

 

To steamroller one's way into an important role such as this is really rather missing the point of the whole thing.

 

Similarly to behave as your FIL has done is hardly in keeping with what a baptism is about.

 

To be asked to be a godparent is a privilege, not a right.

 

Whatever you decide, I hope the day is marvellous for the whole family.

[little chickadee]

I think it's a bit daft having family members as Godparents personally, but I know people have other views. I had family friends as Godparents and they were a special part of my life (extra presents, attention and fuss) but my brother had my dad's brother and sister as his godparents. I think he always felt a bit put off about this as they were already members of the family and not special people to him as opposed to me.

 

My son has my husbands brother and his fiancee as godparent's but I only agreed to this as it's something which my husband felt strongly about. I thought it was daft personally and insisted on him having an extra godfather as well (who he is very proud of!!!)

 

I hope you manage to sort things out with your family. It's such a shame that adults can be so childish sometimes. Thinking of you.

[BeckyBoo]

Well I'm seething, this is part of the reply I've just had from her...

 

One the subject of the Christening, I was hurt to be passed over for Georgia's christening and devastated and shocked that you have reneged on your promise that I would be there for Lauren. It is, of course, your privilege to choose whoever you like for God parents but I come from a background where "families matter" and are always there in times of joy and sorrow. Perhaps it may be being an only child yourself that you don't understand this.

 

I know I am their Auntie and that will never change, I adore G, L and H and I enjoy the very special relationship that I have with all three..

 

I have considered the children which is why I will not be coming as I want them to all have a great day and enjoy themselves without bearing witness to my hurt and pain, shielding and protecting them as a family member should.

 

Then she goes on to put a quote from a Pregnancy and Baby website.

 

I've typed a reply but I haven't sent it and I certainly couldn't post it here. Needless to say that's three less for Christmas dinner.

 

I shall sleep on it before I send something terminal, they are still OH's family, what a rotten position for him to be in - selfish wotsit she is!

 

Mrs B

[Mrs Frugal]

Oh my word . Good idea to sleep on it, Mrs B. What an inconsiderate, selfish person she is . Has your OH seen her reply yet? Poor chap, it must be really hard for him as they're his family but they are in the wrong.

[little chickadee]

Do be careful about your reply Mrs Bertie and get your OH to proof read anything you send. I really do feel for you.

[mayflower]

I think that Ginette has given a very interesting and postive reply. I agree with her that, family already have a special place in the lives of our children. Furthermore, I think it is lovely to invite best friends to be Godparents. It sort of cerments the relationship, and friends usually know much more about how you want your children brought up etc, bcause it is a topic that can be discussed with a best friend without 'baggage'....holding back in case you offend a family member. Do all you can to build a bridge of communication, but if they choose to blow it up.....then it is their problem not yours.

Whatever happens, have a lovely day xxx

[Cooks]

She's protecting/shielding them??? she should be adult enough to not show if she's 'hurting' and put that aside on their day!.. my word she's selfish!

 

She is very lucky she has the relationship she has with them! she wouldn't if she was my SIL not with an attitude like that.

 

Bless your heart. xx

[Tessa the Duchess]

I would be seething too All that stuff about not wanting your children to see her hurt and pain, YUK, a nice little bit of emotional blackmail if ever I

saw one, not to mention passive aggression.

 

Wise to sleep on your reply, but really I should just let them get on with their childish games and make a note to yourself to buy a smaller turkey this Christmas

 

Tessa

[jess]

Well I'm seething, this is part of the reply I've just had from her...

 

One the subject of the Christening, I was hurt to be passed over for Georgia's christening and devastated and shocked that you have reneged on your promise that I would be there for Lauren. It is, of course, your privilege to choose whoever you like for God parents but I come from a background where "families matter" and are always there in times of joy and sorrow. Perhaps it may be being an only child yourself that you don't understand this.

 

I know I am their Auntie and that will never change, I adore G, L and H and I enjoy the very special relationship that I have with all three..

 

I have considered the children which is why I will not be coming as I want them to all have a great day and enjoy themselves without bearing witness to my hurt and pain, shielding and protecting them as a family member should.

 

 

this woman is a complete idiot. you are better off with out her.

[bronze]

I would send one back simply saying 'well perhaps if you are incapable of controlling yourself like an adult would it is best that youdo not come.'

Before that I would write and not send several ruder versions.

[theherd123]

Oh dear what a terrible situation

 

I do think you are right. If she can't have the good grace to accept that you have not chosen her to be a Godparent then i think thats a good decision made. After all the upset she has caused would you even want a person like this to be a guiding light to your children over the years? I think not.

 

One thing i would do is sleep on your reply until you feel a little less 'raw' about things and discuss the issue in detail with your OH before you move forward. I know you will feel very angry now but a knee jerk reaction could inflame things further.

 

I dont envy you at all right now but try not let this unfortunate event colour the wonderful day you have planned where you will be welcoming your children into a faith.

[Egluntyne]

Oh dear. Sleep on it Mrs Bertie, but I do think that you are in the right.

 

Where does the idea of a "promise" come into the choosing of a godparent though. It should be an invitation, and as I said before, should be considered a privilege, not a right.

 

They have demonstrated very clearly their lack of understanding of what the occasion is about, and really have burnt all bridges.

 

It is their loss. The children do not need this unpleasantness marring their baptism.

 

I wouldn't respond at all to her nastiness and personal remarks, I would just say something along the lines of you are sorry that they do not feel able to celebrate your children's special day as part of the family and leave it at that.

 

They will be left wrong footed as you are obviously meant to relent.

 

What does your OH think to it all?