Ammonia smell in coop-first time owner

[Krysia]

Mrs B, I am horrified at the situation you find yourself in and the sheer audacity of your SIL.

 

when Ash was baptised we had my brother and a friend, No one was

put out (If they were they didn't say anything) and we had a great day. DESPITE having to chase all of Paul's family for RSVP's and only his cousin coming. (His parents have both died but his step mum and step brother and sisters with their families didn't come his Step bro didn't reply even after 3 chasing phone calls)

 

If Family can't act as adults (Which she clearly can't) you will have better day without her (and her slaves!)

I know I don't know her and only have your side of the story on this issue to judge her but its no wonder she is single and still living at home!

 

Being a catholic (although not very practising) we are huge on forgiveness I presume that whatever her faith is, it has never heard of forgiveness or letting bygones be bygones.

 

I hope you have a lovely day!

[One Man Banned]

Oh Mrs B, what a horrid way your SIL is dealing with the situation she's created.

 

I would certainly sleep on the response and agree that it should just be a short "Sorry you're not coming to celebrate your niece's special day"

 

Regardless of what happens tho, you've got a special day to look forward to with your children, and that is the important thing.

 

Hope things don't get messy for you, and the Christening is a wonderful day for you all.

 

 

A

xx

[missuscluck]

oh mrs b, poor you. Famillys can be so awfull sometimes. I agree whole heartedly with having close friends as god parents, although mine have a mix of both.

 

She is behaving like a spoilt brat.

 

My S.I.L stormed out of my daughters christening and has barley spoken to me since, as I was supposed to have spoken harshly to my neice (I didnt!!!)

 

I think a lot of it is to do with the limelight being focused elsewhere. Boy do they know how to get the attention switched back to them by behaving like this. Its nothing short of devious. If she is anything like my S.I.L she is probably loving every minuite of it.

 

Stop worrying, give it the attention it deserves. NONE. Dont lower yourself to her level. You have done all you can. You wont be able to change the situation. You will have a better day without them.

 

Your kids will have a lovley day. Their day, not hers!!

[Guest]

.... without bearing witness to my hurt and pain, shielding and protecting them as a family member should.

 

 

attention seeking drama queen

[WitchHazel]

I think a simple: "we're really sorry that you have decided not to come" might do the trick. She can read into that what she likes, and you've curt off the oxygen of attention.

 

What a sad person she is.

[Christian]

Horrific situation Mrs B. You have my sympathy.

 

Best bet is to be polite and don't rise to it. Say 'thank you for letting me know you can't attend your niece's special day' and leave it at that.

 

Christmas might be more fun without the selfish ***

[BeckyBoo]

Thanks everyone, can't speak to OH about it at the minute as he's been at college for three days doing electricians exams which have been really really hard (he passed much to his delight and surprise) so he's just so relieved to have that under his belt he really doesn't need this.

And now I've temporarily stopped being so angry, I'm just really upset on behalf of my daughter. They DO have a good relationship with their aunty,or rather they did, she's always spoiled them rotten, so how am I going to explain to her that she isn't coming? And nor are her Nanny and Grandad? She's going to be so upset, I know she'll still have a lovely day, but they SHOULD be there. She's such a sensitve little thing and I hate to see her sad about something that should make her happy.

I hate them for this and I hate hating people, it uses so much energy and take up so much emotion, it makes everything negative and I don't like feeling like this. I need a glass of wine.

Mrs B

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Mrs B, I'm so sorry to hear your relatives are being so mean and unfeeling . Isn't she content to be their auntie - "Ooops, word censored!"ody can take that away from her (I'm not implying you took away godmother status, BTW ).

 

Also, has she considered if she's prepared to take on your children if something should happen to you and your OH? Isn't that sometimes a reason for choosing as a godparent someone that you would trust to bring up your children? Doesn't sound like she'd be very good at parenting .

 

I hope you can make them see sense so your daughter doesn't get upset.

 

Good luck (and enjoy the wine )

[Goosey Lucy]

Oh Mrs B this is a hard one.

 

I don't think you should lie to your daughter about why her Aunty and other relations aren't there but neither do you need to tell her the whole truth.

 

I wouldn't say anything to her about it until the day then just say that yes, it is a shame that X, Y and Z aren't able to come but look at who has come to share your special day. When she is older you can explain things to her but it is her special day and although she will miss her Aunty, there will be lots of people there to make a special fuss of her.

 

I wish you luck and I'm sure you'll all have a lovely day.

[Yorkshire Pudding]

I completely agree.

 

This is not about her and obviously she can't stand it. Ignore it completely, send a short, polite reply and save on the cost of the catering!

 

I don't know how you can break the news to your daughter without upsetting her, but I do believe that honesty is usually best - you don't have to give her all the details now, but a simplified version of the truth would be my instinct. As she gets older perhaps she will want to ask them herself... they will never be able to explain satisfactorily and that will be their burden to bear. It's so sad that they put themselves before your little girl.

[Helly Welly]

Gosh Mrs B, i've only just caught up with this and i'm in shock.

 

I agree with the others that this pathetic woman should not receive the attention she is obviously craving. Would it be possible to have a word with Nan and Grandad without her there and explain that your children will be really upset if they aren't there?

 

All she's doing is proving that she would be a bad choice of Godparent.

 

Stupid moo

[Lesley]

Oh Mrs Bertie, I am sorry. How horrible for you.

 

We made a point of NOT asking family members to be Godparents. I felt quite strongly that they were already important people to our children and didn't want to 'cloud' the role by having the person as two things. Your SIL is already an aunt. That is very important and gives her a proper role with your children. I would boost this side of things and I hope it can all be smoothed over very quickly.

 

It's lovely news anyway and I really wish your lovely children every blessing at this special time.

 

We were very put out that DH's brother refused to come to our children's christenings. He is a committed Christian but does not 'believe' in infant baptism, so refused to come. We were very hurt for our children - but soon got over it with a bit of angry dismissal on our part!

 

I agree with Ginette - and everyone else as well of course!

 

Family memebrs are, or should be, an important part of any childs life. My daughter deliberately chose non family members when Lauren and then Jake were baptised, for that reason.

 

Have a wonderful day with those family members and friends who do care.

[little chickadee]

I'm glad to see you've calmed down a bit Mrs B. It's obvious that you have got to be the adult in this situation and it's important for the sake of your chidren that you don't escalate the bad feeling. I think the short polite reply is the best option.

Something like

 

"I'm very sad that you have decided to take this course of action and ---- will be hurt not to have you there as they love you very much. You are already a very important part of their lives and we believe that Godparents should be brought in from outside of the family circle to add to the children's group of important people. We have absolutely no memory of the promise you are upset about, but are sad that you feel like this. If you feel that you are able to attend the occasion for the sake of ------, please feel free to attend. The christening is at ----- on --------

. We hope to see you there and that we will not have to explain to ------- why the people they love are not attending their special day."

 

Good luck.

[WitchHazel]

Oh Mrs B this is a hard one.

 

I don't think you should lie to your daughter about why her Aunty and other relations aren't there but neither do you need to tell her the whole .

 

One thing to remember Mrs B is that, at her young age, your daughter will take her cue on how to react from how YOU tell her the news. If you get teary, or overly apolkogetic, or over-reassure her then she will pick up on those signals and is likely to realise that This Is Something Very Upsetting.

 

I;m not quite sure what the right approach is. I would suggest a simple it "They're really sorry to miss this, but they weren't able to come" . If she asks "why", you can say "It's just one of those things poppet. And we're going to hav e a really lovely day". You'll need to practice saying it out loud in advance (seriously, i'm not kidding) so that you can get the tone just right.

 

I would be tempted not to say anything at all to her, and wait until she asks. If the day is really busy and centred on her, she won't necessarily notice.

 

lAlternatively, if you aren't confident at pulling it off, you could say "Aunty X isn't feeling too good and doesn't feel up to coming. Nan and Grandad are looking after her, and send you their best wishes".

 

Finally and separately to the above (sorry to go on), you could talk to Nan and Grandad and say that: whilst I don't agree with what X is doing, she's an adult and it's up to her if she wants to miss her niece's special day. Are they sure that they want to miss it too?

[Rhapsody]

First of all can I say how sorry I am and I think you are dealing with it (at least on here ) with grace.

I once got fired by e-mail, and the tone of it was much the same as your SIL's letter- very aggrieved and sanctimonious and as if they were being the bigger person. I thought about writing exactly what I thought of her back but in the end I just mailed back "I see." Which said it all I thought!

As others have said her behaviour shows exactly what a poor choice of Godparent she would have been, she is clearly used to getting her own way and I'm sure usually this kind of emotional blackmail works.

You never know, on the day your kids might not even notice they arent there....

Can I also say on the subject of families being Godparents, my Aunt and Uncle were mine and when my parents died I didnt see them for dust.

[Chooks Aloud]

You can pick your friends, but not your family! How true this is. Family eh!

 

You have whoever you want as Godparents, don't be bullied into anything - if you do it will eat away at you for a good many years to come. If they want to behave like this, let them, you just enjoy your day.

 

Can I just say that I am the only girl in my family with 3 older brothers. Not one of them asked me to be their bridesmaid. Their wives asked relations/friends on their side. One of them even had 8 bridesmaids and did not think to include me. Hurtful, yes - but it was their decision.

 

Although I've never forgotten it, nothing was ever said. But when I got married and had a photo taken with all my friends, and not my brothers, all hell broke loose!!! My mum created something rotten. She put my brothers wedding photos up on the wall, but mine, which I brought for her, she screwed up and chucked in the drawer.

 

Stick to your guns and you enjoy yourself and don't let anyone spoil it for you.

 

Karen

[Guest]

Can I also say on the subject of families being Godparents, my Aunt and Uncle were mine and when my parents died I didnt see them for dust.

 

Staggering! I'm really sorry to hear that.

[MedusA]

So sorry to hear all about this situation, Mrs. B.

 

I wouldn't respond at all to her nastiness and personal remarks, I would just say something along the lines of you are sorry that they do not feel able to celebrate your children's special day as part of the family and leave it at that.

 

I agree. You've done your best to apologise for the unintended "insult". I think the ball is in her/their court to be adult about this. Caving in to her pettiness would not be an option I would consider, I'm afraid. How selfish can some people be?

 

I also think there have been some very good suggestions about how to respond if your daughter asks about why they are not coming.

 

I hope you and your family have a fabulous day, centred on the children, as it should be! *hugs*

[Cate in NZ]

What a dreadful, difficult situation to be in Mrs B, and I really feel for you. But I think that there's been some excellent advice here and I just hope that you all have a fabulous, very special day together, and most importantly that your daughter enjoys it .

[BeckyBoo]

There has been some fantastic advice on here and it's really helped to be able to sound off, I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to spare OH as it IS his family. However, he is currently round their house trying to talk some sense into them. I don't think SIL is there so maybe he'll be able to persuade his parents to come at least, although I doubt it as his mother has basically replaced her married independent identical twin (they went everywhere together, even once they were married, however the sister has now gone her own way now she's retired, having the time of her life) with her daughter, so they will side with her to the bitter end.

 

I did think about telling my daughter the truth, but that will be as upsetting as them not being there - she's already asked if they are coming as she asks almost daily about her "party" and "church thingy"!

I'm going to take Witchhazles advice and just try and deal with it as if it's nothing, "Oh sorry lovely, they couldn't come, but I'm sure they're thinking of you, anyway, why don't we go and see Uncle Mark (not a real Uncle - her Godfather)...." and try and distract her. One day I'll tell her the real reason if she asks but I'm not spoiling her day, she'll have plenty of other friends and people who love her there to make her day special.

 

Families. Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em

 

Thank you for listening, it's been a life saver and stopped me from storming round there and telling them what I REALLY think.

 

Mrs Bertie

[chickenanne]

I've jsut read this, and am amazed about how awful your SIL is being. She is, however, brilliant at trying to make others feel guilty though, isn't she? The reply she sent back was outrageous.

As everyone has said, it's up to you and your OH who you invite to be godparents to your children, and she ought to be able to respect that even if she is disappointed.

[Mutrix Farmers]

Mrs Bertie I really do feel for you. We had a similar issue when we baptised our son.

 

SIL is already their aunty so is already involved in their lives (although if she keeps this behaviour up you may not want to include her in the future!!). A Godparent is someone who can support your children's development of faith in God (hence the name God-parent), does she have one, or does she just want to be the centre of attention on the day?

 

On the day she and the in-laws (out-laws??) will be the ones who miss out. Your children will be so wrapped up they may not notice there are people missing, and let's face it you're youngest definitely won't remember!!

 

Stick to your guns Mrs B, spolit brats need to be taught lessons even if they are in their 30's!

 

Hope you and the children enjoy your day.

[Basset]

oh mrs b, poor you. Famillys can be so awfull sometimes. I agree whole heartedly with having close friends as god parents, although mine have a mix of both.

 

She is behaving like a spoilt brat.

 

My S.I.L stormed out of my daughters christening and has barley spoken to me since, as I was supposed to have spoken harshly to my neice (I didnt!!!)

 

I think a lot of it is to do with the limelight being focused elsewhere. Boy do they know how to get the attention switched back to them by behaving like this. Its nothing short of devious. If she is anything like my S.I.L she is probably loving every minuite of it.

 

Stop worrying, give it the attention it deserves. NONE. Dont lower yourself to her level. You have done all you can. You wont be able to change the situation. You will have a better day without them.

 

Your kids will have a lovley day. Their day, not hers!!

 

I completely agree with you. Your SIL sounds just like mine, who always has to be the centre of attention. Even on our wedding day she couldn't bear to lose the limelight and decided to have her child's baptism on the same day (saying it was convenient, as all the family would be around anyway!!). She couldn't understand why some of the family were angry with her for trying to hijack our special day.

[hilda-and-evadne]

I think that your SIL has amply demonstrated how unfit she is to be a godparent. I can't help feeling, too, that had she become a godmother she would have started to "advise" you on being a mother. It is clear that she sees it as a status thing, not a responsibility.

 

I have only one godchild, who is also my oldest niece, and I have understood the role to be about "being there" for her, on several levels, not so much being involved in her religious upbringing (I don't think her mother would thank me for it!) In the past, I seem to remember, when people were more likely to die young or of something that would be treatable today, a godparent was a sort of "spare" parent, someone on whose special care the child had a *right* to be able to depend.

 

I guess the most important thing is that the godparent can be - is free to be and prepared to be - unselfishly interested in the child. Of my three godparents, one is (sadly) mentally ill and used terrify me, one (now dead) was preachy and didactic, and the third has never shown any interest in me at all! I think that they must all have been chosen on "status" criteria ...

 

I would suggest that, for your child's sake, choose as godparents people whom your child has a chance of learning to love and trust and learn from, a good role model perhaps, and an utterly reliable "backstop" if one were ever needed.

[Egluntyne]

It occurred to me today, whilst pondering on your dilemma MrsB....that I haven't the faintest idea who my godparents are.

 

Mind you my christening was quite a few years ago.

Edited May 15, 2008 by Guest